Trying to figure out how to win her heart again..

[dwracing39]

Hi everyone.. Im 26 and ive been seperated from my wife of 2 years for about 4 months. We had the fairytale bf/gf relationship but when we got married everything went downhill. And im mostly to blame. To be blunt.. I became a total jerk.. I wouldnt spend any time with her hardly, I would get super angry over the slightest thing.. and well i was just plain mean to her. (not abusive.. just mean) What brought it all to a head was after we had been married about a year and a couple of months i began talking to a woman online.. I never touched her, i never actually met her, but we did have quite a few "heated" online and phone conversations.. Why i was doing this? I dont really know. All i know was this was a point in my life where i was acting like a total and complete idiot.. The only reason that I can give for the online thing was that maybe it was my way of getting the thoughts of another woman out of my system. I cared nothing about this woman.. Well this went on for about 3 months and i finally snapped out of it. I couldnt believe what an idiot id been.. But instead of telling her that i no longer wanted to talk to her i instead played the "ignore her and she will go away" game. Another idiotic move on my part. Well she kept sending me text messages and such and i didnt reply.. But one night i left my phone out and forgot to delete my texts and that happenned to be the morning my wife opened up my phone to use it... And there i was. CAUGHT. And i went from being sorry I got caught to being absolutely devistated when I seen the look of hurt in my wife's eyes. As corny as it may sound when i seen my wifes heart shatter I believe i broke my own as well. I told her the whole story and she did believe me when I told her that I never met or touched her. This was back in october of last year She stayed. And even though I never so much as thought of talking to another woman again... My actions in my other problem areas didnt improve any. So on april 26th My wife came in one night crying and asked me to leave. So i went back to my parents's home. She said the reason she wanted out was becasue she couldnt stop thinking about what I had done and that the way I treated her made her miserable. She moved out of our apartment and went back to where she is from which is about 50 miles from here and that is where she has been the last 3 months. We havent really talked a lot during that time.. And when we did it was usually arguing. About a month ago we wound up on the phone together.. I dont remember now why we were even talking to begin with but we wound up actually "talking" and we decided to give this another try.

 

Here is the thing.. she has me so confused that i dont know what i should do. She says she loves me and wants to be with me and be my wife, but at the same time she acts like she could care less whether she sees me or not. She has a few friends who she likes to go hang out with which are mostly family (her best friend is her dad's fiancee) and she puts them before me. This really hurts. i ask her if she wants to go out on lets say.. saturday.. and she will say "we will see it just depends on whats going on at so and so's"

 

here are her exact words pretty much.. " i love you, and i want to be with you and be your wife again. But i dont know yet if thats what is right for me. 70% of the time i cant think about nothing but how much i love you and i miss you and that i want to be together again.. the other 30% im still mad as hell and afraid that you will hurt me again. I dont know if i can ever fall in love with someone and give myself 100% to someone again like i did you... including you. you never put me 1st before and i dont know if im ready to put you first im my life again. im not looking for anyone else becasue i dont want anyoneelse, i want you.. but im having a lot of fun with my friends right now. This is a decision that i have to make on my own, and nothing you can say or do will decide it for me." For what it is worth when we decided to get back together we both put our rings back on..

 

So I told her that if she wanted space then I would back off and still work on getting us another apartment which should be in around a month. And that she could call me when she wanted to talk and when I got the apt. she was more than welcome to come be with me. She said that wasnt what she wanted that she still wanted me to come see her.. but that she just needed time.

 

So i read on here some last night. Lysne's comments on another thread really made me think about things differently. So when I talked to her last night i told her that as far as i was concerned i was her husband and that i intended on being her husband for a long, long time. And that i wanted her to know that i was here for her no matter what, that I wanted her to be 100% mine again but that it was going to take time for her to be comfortable and feel safe giving herself to me again like she did before. And that I had all the time in the world and would do anything i could to help her through this. And that when the time came that she felt right and comfortable coming back that i would be waiting with open arms for her to come home to me. She said that this was all she wanted from me because before she felt like i was giving her an ultimatum of some sorts and that she just needs time. I then told her that i didnt want her to feel like she had to make any decision by any certain time and that I knew that the day would come when she would see that i have changed and that im ready to be the husband and man that i shouldve always been. And i also told her that deep down i knew in my heart that everything would be ok between us.. that we would be alright. She then said in kind of a whisper "so do I".

 

So it seems like im doing this the right way.. or am I? It hurts me like nothing else that her friends come before me.. that she would rather go get drunk than see me. Its like i dont even matter. like im someone she wants to see if she doesnt have anything better to do. Does anyone have any idea of what i should do? or how i should go about handling this? I feel like i deserve to be treated like a husband. And im not.

[Scorpio13c]

Hey DW,

What exactly led you to chatting with someone else in the first place?

Knowing that answer will help you understand why she was devastated about it in the first place, because although you may not realize it, what you did, was cheating, in a emotional sense. You understand?

You are facing a very long, if not lifetime, of trying to regain her trust in you. Sorry, but that is the reality of it.

Are you willing to apologize for it, through every argument you will have & she brings it up?

She'll proably never forget it.

 

Good luck Man!

[confuzd]

Your story is not uncommon,

 

For some reason us men are dumb asses, and we don't figure stuff out until it's too late,

 

Your right on the money, but now you need to back off. She knows your intentions, and she now needs space.

 

I see this as a surefire thing, you have all the signs you need it almost seems too easy for you.

 

she said 70% of the time she is thinking about how much she loves you.

 

All you have to do is back off, I would check in on her about maybe every 3 days or so and see what kind of reaction that gets.

 

When you do call make it all about her, you don't need a thing, you are just making sure she is okay, let her know you have been thinking about her and you hope she is doing good.

 

Give her time, you hurt her, good thing is you realized it quick. It was probably a good thing that she found out you where "cheating" on her, because if she hadn't you would not have woken up to all the other mistakes you were making as well.

 

Take some time to work on yourself, make yourself a better person who can have sincere everlasting changes. You will be just fine and your wife who still loves you will be back. granted you do the right things, it is all up to you

 

confuzd

[lysne]

Hi DW and welcome. Just a couple comments below.

 

It hurts me like nothing else that her friends come before me.. that she would rather go get drunk than see me. Its like i dont even matter. like im someone she wants to see if she doesnt have anything better to do. Does anyone have any idea of what i should do? or how i should go about handling this? I feel like i deserve to be treated like a husband. And im not.

 

Your wife is just giving you a taste of exactly what it's like NOT being her husband since, bluntly, you haven't acted like much of one to date. If you're lucky, at this stage it's just a wake-up call and doesn't reflect true apathy about you.

 

However, you're about to walk right into the biggest mistake you can make while trying to win her back - you're being needy! This is disastrous because the minute you show neediness you negate all the gains you've made and all your words become that: just pretty words. Your wife will assume that you're just trying to manipulate her to get her back to service your own needs without really changing yourself from the inside out.

 

So, I think you've made a good start, but whatever you do, pull up your britches and bite your tongue if she prefers to go out with her friends. You've got to earn back her support. She'll prefer to spend time with you only when you become a trustworthy, caring, emotionally supportive - not draining - man and husband. Be that guy and she'll want to be your wife again.

[CaliGuy]

Hi DW and welcome. Just a couple comments below.

 

 

 

Your wife is just giving you a taste of exactly what it's like NOT being her husband since, bluntly, you haven't acted like much of one to date. If you're lucky, at this stage it's just a wake-up call and doesn't reflect true apathy about you.

 

Exactly It's called TOUGH LOVE!

 

However, you're about to walk right into the biggest mistake you can make while trying to win her back - you're being needy!

 

Absolutely!

 

This is disastrous because the minute you show neediness you negate all the gains you've made and all your words become that: just pretty words. Your wife will assume that you're just trying to manipulate her to get her back to service your own needs without really changing yourself from the inside out.

 

Bingo.

 

So, I think you've made a good start, but whatever you do, pull up your britches and bite your tongue if she prefers to go out with her friends. You've got to earn back her support. She'll prefer to spend time with you only when you become a trustworthy, caring, emotionally supportive - not draining - man and husband. Be that guy and she'll want to be your wife again.

 

Excellent advice.

[dwracing39]

Well I haven’t been back to give any updates in forever because there really wasn’t any story left.. She started dating a guy just a few days after I made the original post. I stopped having any contact with her and actually said some pretty nasty things to her. I figured it was done and over with. So I started dating around a little, nothing serious though. But I have to admit she never left my thoughts, I still thought of her constantly from the time I wake up until I go to sleep. I always missed her deeply and I really never stopped wanting her back but finally realized that I didn’t “have” to have her. Well 2 weeks ago I get a email from her wanting to talk.. I was EXTREMELY hesitant to do this but went ahead and done it anyways. She said that her new b/f is a super nice guy and that they get along good.. But that he just isn’t me. That she cant stop thinking about me and that everytime they go somewhere or do anything she wished it was me there with her instead. That everytime she sees his face she sees me. She said she is still madly in love with me and that she thought that she had found what she was looking for when she met that guy.. But that instead she realized that what she truly wanted was right there the whole time and she was just too stubborn to realize it. And that she wanted her husband back. I then decided it was time right then and there to get everything I had to say off my chest finally. We had tried getting back together 3 different times and everytime it was the same.. 2 weeks were great and then she would start saying she was “scared” and that she couldn’t get what happened (see my orig. post) out of her mind. I told her that I loved her and that yes I still wanted to be with her but that I was absolutely finished with being jerked around like I had been before. That I wanted to be with her but that I most certainly didn’t HAVE to be. She then said

 

“ David I apologize with everything I have in me.. I realized that I don’t have to forget what happened but I have finally accepted it and I know it will never happen again and im ready to get on with our lives together.. The way I have done you with the getting back together then dumping you was horrible and if you don’t want to do this I understand. But im 150% sure now.. I made up my mind that Id never bring this up unless I knew with all my heart that I could never hurt you again.. It took being with someone else for me to finally see what me and you had, and im so sorry for that.. But Id come home tonight if you would let me.. we aren’t fighting or anything but hes just not you..”

 

I told her that if this was what she truly wanted then I would start busting ass to get back out of my parents house and get us a place.. But if she wasn’t 150% sure to please tell me now while I could still be friends with her.. because if she done my like that again id never have a single thing to do with her.. She said she was so ready.. that the thoughts of having to stay there actually made her sick… The only problem is that she really doesn’t have anywhere else to go at this point.. Until I get us an apt. So she has to stay there.. I told her how much that bothered me. She agreed but said “ the day you get us an apartment im out of here… im not happy. Hes not you. In any way shape or form

 

Before I would be the one calling and texting constantly… Now it’s the opposite.. She sneaks outside in the middle of the night and talks to me for hours.. she constantly sends me texts saying how much she loves, misses me and cant wait to be together again. I honestly believe that me “manning up” and getting a backbone and showing her that I wasnt going to be jerked around or ran over has made a huge difference. That weather we get back together isn’t just up to her this time, its up to me too.

 

What do you all think of my little roller coaster

[reboot]

I think you need to be very, very careful you don't get hurt again.

[CaliGuy]

Ok bud, here is my advice.

 

TAKE IT FREAKING SLOW.

 

Do not rush out to share an apartment. Do not rush to go right back to where you left off because the same thing will happen again. She is missing what she had with you and that's good, but she also needs to realize she can not take the relationship for granted. If you just haul off and start where you left off she will NOT appreciate having you back.

 

Read this book: "No More Mr. Nice Guy" - Glover. It's not that I think you are a doormat but there is a LOT of good advice on how to make a relationship work and what makes and keeps a woman attracted to a man. It's not what you DO for them, it's how you make them feel.

 

Do you see how a little time apart made her realize that she had something great with you? I implore you to maintain some of your independence. Hang out with friends, invest in hobbies, work out a lot, etc. A little time apart makes the time together that much more special.

[dwracing39]

Your right reboot I need to be very careful.. And Ill tell you guys.. If it happens it will make me the happiest man alive, but if it doesnt Then theres more women out there.. And i told her that very thing. I have always "cowered" to her and let her pretty much run all over me through this becasue I felt so guilty.. But I told her. " I dont have anything to prove to you anymore.. i have done everything a man can possibly say and to to prove himself to a woman.. and you dont have anything to prove to me other than that you truly are certain this time"

 

I told her that i didnt want another woman..butthat if ha had to i would sure find one. But that i really wish she wouldnt make me have to do that. Ive been kind of harsh but i swear standing up to her has made all the difference.

 

Bottom line is. if it dont work.. when she pulls the plug im going out that same night.. Im not going to let it ruin me like i did before.