To Flirt, or Not To Flirt?

[BohemeRose]

No one seemed responsive to this topic in LDR so, I thought I'd cross-post there!

 

I'm in a rather serious long distance relationship, as some of you may know from previous posts of mine.

 

We still get along, still love each other, still talk every day, etc. I've never entertained any notion of leaving him or cheating on him, and yet I find myself flirting a lot with other men.

 

Not any men, mind you. Only men that are unavailable for one reason or another. They're either married, in serious relationships themselves, or...well...gay. The latter being the most serious type of unavailable!

 

Anyway, like I said, I have no desire to be with anyone else but I find myself being really flirtatious with, for example, these two guys I work with. One is married and the other is engaged, both very happy relationships, but they're just as guilty at the flirting game as I am.

 

What's the deal with this? Would I still be as flirty if my boyfriend were in close range?

 

Discuss.

[Trialbyfire]

As long as both you and your b/f LDR or not, agree or have the same boundaries of how far you can go, you're fine. If you're flirting behind his back and know he would have issues with it, isn't this a form of having your cake and eating it too?

 

I'm not talking about lighthearted flirting.

 

There is a limit and most definitely is an issue if it's kept as a secret. Secrets fester in dark places.

[BohemeRose]

As long as both you and your b/f LDR or not, agree or have the same boundaries of how far you can go, you're fine. If you're flirting behind his back and know he would have issues with it, isn't this a form of having your cake and eating it too?

 

I'm not talking about lighthearted flirting.

 

There is a limit and most definitely is an issue if it's kept as a secret. Secrets fester in dark places.

 

I don't think the type of flirting I engage in would bother him very much. I'm more involved in what I'm assuming you're referring to as lighthearted flirting. Playful, not overtly sexual...pretty light, no?

[Trialbyfire]

I don't think the type of flirting I engage in would bother him very much. I'm more involved in what I'm assuming you're referring to as lighthearted flirting. Playful, not overtly sexual...pretty light, no?

Yes, that's more playful than flirting.

 

If you don't think it would bother him, why not broach the topic of flirting with him to see how he feels about it. This way, if it's no big deal for him, it shouldn't be an issue for you and you can relax and enjoy it.

[popey]

I agree with trialbyfire. Wether or not flirting is ok, and to what extent it is ok, depends mostly on the particular individuals in the relationship. If your bf would not care, then you're probably ok. The one thing however that lingers for me, is what would prompt you to ask the question in the first place. If the conduct is not conduct that your bf would find objectionable on the face... then do you raise the question based on something that is not on the face?

[East of Jupiter]

I think the bigger question is the need for constant extra attention and from men who are already with someone else?

 

This may not be a problem now but the possibility exists that if you do not figure out what is going on with you now, you will be taking this to your marriage.

[Trialbyfire]

I think the bigger question is the need for constant extra attention and from men who are already with someone else?

 

This may not be a problem now but the possibility exists that if you do not figure out what is going on with you now, you will be taking this to your marriage.

Hey EoJ, forgive me if I'm misunderstanding but isn't there a level of tolerated flirtation? Also, what is your interpretation of the flirtation? If someone were to joke with, tease and interact with a member of the same sex, would you consider this flirting?

[East of Jupiter]

Hey EoJ, forgive me if I'm misunderstanding but isn't there a level of tolerated flirtation? Also, what is your interpretation of the flirtation? If someone were to joke with, tease and interact with a member of the same sex, would you consider this flirting?

 

Heck if I know.

 

I don't like my husband flirting. My husband doesn't like it when I flirt. ?

 

I dont think we have to accept any level of flirting if that doesn't work for my partner. It is very simple for me. I don't have to deconstruct his feelings to get that.

 

If she is here asking, she is obviously concerned about the appropriateness of her behavior -- especially with married and/or engaded men. This is a red flag for anyone.

[Trialbyfire]

Heck if I know.

 

I don't like my husband flirting. My husband doesn't like it when I flirt. ?

 

I dont think we have to accept any level of flirting if that doesn't work for my partner. It is very simple for me. I don't have to deconstruct his feelings to get that.

 

If she is here asking, she is obviously concerned about the appropriateness of her behavior -- especially with married and/or engaded men. This is a red flag for anyone.

Then what you're expressing is more a need for discussion with her SO about acceptable levels of interaction between people of the opposite gender. Everyone has their individual limits.

 

Affairs breed and ferment in dark, dank places, much of which is fantasy. If the situation is discussed openly with her SO, it's more than likely an affair situation would not happen, especially if her SO expresses displeasure and wants her to stop. If she cares enough about him, she will stop. If she doesn't, then it's no longer harmless flirting or superficial friendly interactions with members of the opposite gender.

[East of Jupiter]

Then what you're expressing is more a need for discussion with her SO about acceptable levels of interaction between people of the opposite gender. Everyone has their individual limits.

 

Affairs breed and ferment in dark, dank places, much of which is fantasy. If the situation is discussed openly with her SO, it's more than likely an affair situation would not happen, especially if her SO expresses displeasure and wants her to stop. If she cares enough about him, she will stop. If she doesn't, then it's no longer harmless flirting or superficial friendly interactions with members of the opposite gender.

 

One would think right?

 

I have not been around here long enough but I think it was on this forum that I read a post by the BW regarding this very thing. They did discuss attractions and she felt that they were doing the right thing to avoid a problem.

 

Her husband cheated anyway.

 

I also have a very close friend with a similar story. She and her husband were very open and he hid nothing. I was often horrified by the things she told me he would do. But it was all done openly and she trusted him.

 

They are raising her husband child with another woman. They are still together but as you can well imagine, she is devastated. This is the OW's second child with a MM. She is from a different country and appears to make her money this way. The OW's first child with a MM lives in her home country with the grandmother (very low cost of living) while Mommy lives high on the hog off of the child support she rakes in from two men. As my best friend told me, she was dumpster diving for her kids when they were young because they had so little. Today she has had to take on another job to help support her own children who are now entering college.

 

People will say and do whatever it takes to get where they want to go. There are no guarantees. But there is a lot of advice out there that warns against even that which some deem "acceptable" flirting. Many people aren't aware they have a serious boundary problem until they cross it.

 

I used to flirt A LOT.

 

 

 

 

With my husband.

 

I'm too ticked off at him to flirt at this point. Unless of course, you count my constantly telling him to "kiss my ass" as flirtation.

[Trialbyfire]

People will say and do whatever it takes to get where they want to go. There are no guarantees. But there is a lot of advice out there that warns against even that which some deem "acceptable" flirting. Many people aren't aware they have a serious boundary problem until they cross it.

 

I used to flirt A LOT.

 

 

 

 

With my husband.

 

I'm too ticked off at him to flirt at this point. Unless of course, you count my constantly telling him to "kiss my ass" as flirtation.

I went through the angry "no flirting" stage after D-day, in reference to what I thought was inappropriate for married individuals. Errr...not angry...more enraged stage. It did go away though but then, so much else has gone away too, including any love for the ex-H.

[East of Jupiter]

I went through the angry "no flirting" stage after D-day, in reference to what I thought was inappropriate for married individuals. Errr...not angry...more enraged stage. It did go away though but then, so much else has gone away too, including any love for the ex-H.

 

This sounds like a happy ending. For you!

 

I wonder if an affair ever happens if there was no flirting to start it off. Think about it!

 

"I got my eye on you!" John from Cincinnati.

[Trialbyfire]

This sounds like a happy ending. For you!

 

I wonder if an affair ever happens if there was no flirting to start it off. Think about it!

 

"I got my eye on you!" John from Cincinnati.

As I've said on LS previously, the next guy who cheats on me is a dead man. Pacificist I'm not...

 

Flirting isn't the issue. You and I both know that there are people who will cheat and others who won't. No matter what you do, you will never be able to stop someone of that bent. Temptation will always cross their paths in life, whether it starts with flirtation or a drinking night out with the buddies and a willing bed partner or a prostitute. We can't control them and shouldn't have to. This is their adult responsibility to control themselves.

[BohemeRose]

Yowza! A whole discussion occurred while I was unable to log in!

 

Really, the only reason I even asked was because a good friend of mine becomes insanely jealous when his girlfriend hangs out with her male friends and becomes a little flirtatious. I tried to explain to him that she has always been a flirt, but always faithful while in relationships at the same time.

 

He didn't care.

 

Then it lead me to think about my own course of action most days. I'm flirtatious, but at the same time extremely faithful to the point where I won't touch another man outside of a handshake, a pat on the shoulder or possibly a hug on particularly special occasions (someone leaving on a trip, etc.)

 

Anyway, I moreso brought it up for discussion's sake. It seems topics are repeated quite a bit on these boards, and not for lack of a good reason, people undergo the same problems throughout the world....but I thought it would be cool to discuss something else.

[East of Jupiter]

As I've said on LS previously, the next guy who cheats on me is a dead man. Pacificist I'm not...

 

Flirting isn't the issue. You and I both know that there are people who will cheat and others who won't. No matter what you do, you will never be able to stop someone of that bent. Temptation will always cross their paths in life, whether it starts with flirtation or a drinking night out with the buddies and a willing bed partner or a prostitute. We can't control them and shouldn't have to. This is their adult responsibility to control themselves.

 

Well you are a woman with a high emotional IQ. There are people who have excellent grasp of healthy boundaries.

 

As you can read on any given day in the OW/OM forums anywhere on the net, the resounding response from cheaters is "It just happened" or "I didn't mean it to go that far." And this can happen to just about anyone. I've surely been surprised on many occasions.

 

But there is no doubt that there are some wo/men who will not cheat for any reason. Where they hide I have no clue. I've met a couple of men like this in my lifetime. Thank you G-d for the hope.

 

But, do you think it fair to say that women and men also differ in flirting?

 

I always felt that men don't give much for nothing. Many are emotionally lazy and unsophisticated or playing the part. Not sure if you get what I mean. If they are flirting, they are looking for a payoff. Or maybe I am a creep magnet! Always possible.