The "Good Guy" Update

[oppath]

Awwww, SB... It's women like you, and Touche, and TBF who've helped me see where I have yet to go if I keep myself in check!! I only wish I also had a futurized version of myself to add to the mix of advice givers back in the day...

 

All of you women give great advice. Direct. Sincere. Compassionate. You've seen the room and walked the floor of pain, of feeling used, of feeling heartbroken, of feeling disrespected and deceived, yet you took responsibility for it, changed, and imparted that wisdom to others. In fact it's women like you who give me hope, because I've been f*cked over bad by women playing me like and I've been left screaming "what the hell, you are girl, everyone knows if I did that to a girl I'd be the world's biggest douche? How is it different?" and to see such amazing women on this board, it makes me realize I don't have to be a dick or a player just to protect myself. I need to make better choices and assert my needs earlier and be willing to walk away too.

 

CC: sometimes with women, it is true, that if they sexually flirt and offer sex, that is all I am going to go after. If I want more, I'll wait. If I want more, it won't matter if I sleep with a girl either, but if I'm not that interested, a girl offering sex will keep me in the game a couple weeks even though I had already decided I didn't want her as a girlfriend (I should note that I've also turned down many girls because I didn't want to use them).

 

You are right, you have NOT slept with that many people. That is not your problem. Your problem has been being too sexually flirtatious or provacative that you haven't attracted more respectful men into your life. Your total amount of sexual activity isn't a big deal at all, it's that a guy gives you some attention, and it seems to turn sexual really quick. Nothing is wrong with sexual flirtation, as long as it is balanced with non-sexual attention. What has been lacking in your life is this balance.

[chill chic]

Well I'm not sure what the average is of how many guys a person sleeps with at the age of 26, but being that I was in a relationship for 5 years, never cheated on him, and looking back at when I left him in '05, since those 2 years, yah I would say it's not a good number.

But besides the point, I was thinking about something else...awhile back I slept with a guy who is a model, all girls are around him, all hot and everything, and my frame of mind of when I was with him, and still my perception of him, is that he's the type that can get ANY girl, and to me, I wouldn't want to compete with all those girls, even know he obviously thought I was attractive enough, but what I'm saying is that I didn't see a relationship with him, because of that fact, like I couldn't see him settling down anytime soon. So...in that way, I'm wondering if that's what guys think of me, or at least if it runs through their heads when they know I have alot of options, and COULD get better than them, if they think that about themselves. So when I slept with that guy, I was thinking like a guy, he's just a "fun time" as opposed to a real relationship so I had fun with it, but that was it. Does that make any sense? lol sorry that was long & drawn out, but if a guy thinks I have many options, would they see it as they couldn't have a relationship with me?

I know we've been talking about the overt sexualness I might give off, that could lead them to think that, BUT I'm wondering if they think that about other guys that are or could be in my life.

[Star Gazer]

*facepalms*

 

Way to address the issue, CC.

 

((Sigh.))

[chill chic]

*facepalms*

 

Way to address the issue, CC.

 

((Sigh.))

 

well it was just a question, not that I was addressing anything in that last post I was just curious BUT that was just one last thing on my mind that apparently I should already know about..yah oh well

[Kamille]

Ah CC! Really, sweetheart, you focus way too much on looks. Your predicament has very little to do with how you look and a lot more to do with how you think about love and how you act.

 

How you think about love: within a week of wondering about one guy, you sleep with another and hope it means that the two of you are headed towards a serious relationship. But wait, are you at the mercy of any guy that comes by? I mean, the very fact that you were considering someone else not a week ago tells me that your feelings for your current fling are probably not that far reaching. So, continue to take your time and stop worrying about making men fall in love with you - focus rather on how they make you feel and how you feel for them. Then YOU DECIDE whether or not you want to take it to another level. I write this and I wonder if you will get it, so far it is from where you are right now.

 

Let me try to explain it another way. I firmly believe that women more then men do the choosing at the beginning of a relationship. We kind of have an ace up our sleeve. The fact is, straight men feel initial attraction for almost any women with a decent personality. They love the company of women, they love the way we look (and my friends tell me that they might have preferences but that they love a variety of forms and figures) and, of course, they love the possibility of sex. So, knowing all this, and especially since you say you are such a looker, know that the power is on your side. You don't have to prove yourself to them, they have to prove themselves to you. They have to be worthy of you. They have to chase you. Oh, and they love chasing and not only that, it is fun to be chased.

 

But being able to pull off this attitude means that you have to be very confortable on your own. It also means that you need to have criterias of what you are looking for in a man. You have to know how you want to be treated by this man, and how you want him to make you feel. And then, if a guy doesn't treat you that way, you walk away from him. Especially since you have nothing to prove to him.

 

Makes sense? Really honey I hope it helps! And I'm glad to see that things are cool with this good guy.

[Arizona100]

Well I'm not sure what the average is of how many guys a person sleeps with at the age of 26, but being that I was in a relationship for 5 years, never cheated on him, and looking back at when I left him in '05, since those 2 years, yah I would say it's not a good number.

But besides the point, I was thinking about something else...awhile back I slept with a guy who is a model, all girls are around him, all hot and everything, and my frame of mind of when I was with him, and still my perception of him, is that he's the type that can get ANY girl, and to me, I wouldn't want to compete with all those girls, even know he obviously thought I was attractive enough, but what I'm saying is that I didn't see a relationship with him, because of that fact, like I couldn't see him settling down anytime soon. So...in that way, I'm wondering if that's what guys think of me, or at least if it runs through their heads when they know I have alot of options, and COULD get better than them, if they think that about themselves. So when I slept with that guy, I was thinking like a guy, he's just a "fun time" as opposed to a real relationship so I had fun with it, but that was it. Does that make any sense? lol sorry that was long & drawn out, but if a guy thinks I have many options, would they see it as they couldn't have a relationship with me?

I know we've been talking about the overt sexualness I might give off, that could lead them to think that, BUT I'm wondering if they think that about other guys that are or could be in my life.

 

Well no, in my opinion they don't stay because you might come up as superficial, needy, arrogant even, and all about the look. That's how you come up to me at the moment.

 

You keep talking about how hot you are, well that's good but that's not gonna get you a good guy. You're hot, good, they'll sleep with you, but that will not make them stay.

 

I'm good looking, above average like you said, but I know one thing, that's not enough to make a man stay with me. I have my issues, that is true, but I do try to resolve them, you have to listen to the people who are trying to help you.

 

I find your remark about that model you dated very typical. Tell you what, I dated that kind of guy, he was gorgeous and I ran like HELL when I realized he was superficial, very jealous and with low confidence. Girls were in line (nope, not exaggerating) to say Hello to him... yeah that kind of hot guy.. I rather be with someone who's confident and kind.

 

My guy has a belly, shave his head because he loses his hair, has wrinkles showing up and..... he turns me on just by looking at me ...

 

That's up to you but I'd listen to the friends you have here.

[Trialbyfire]

Awwww, SB... It's women like you, and Touche, and TBF who've helped me see where I have yet to go if I keep myself in check!! I only wish I also had a futurized version of myself to add to the mix of advice givers back in the day...

That's really nice of you to say. We all learn from each other. Most people have different strengths.

 

Overall though, women need to learn to respect and value themselves as other than objects. No doubt it's easier to be an object when you're attractive but really, who the hell wants to be drooled on, for a [insert appropriate body part(s) here], with little to no respect given. Don't you want to be viewed as a person? Someone worthwhile to be a partner and to share a loving relationship with, instead of the slab of meat they pull out, if and when the urge hits them?

 

cc, you seem to care way too much about superficiality of both you and any guy you might be interested in. I'm beginning to think you're lazy, too lazy to develop yourself, so you fall back on sex and your looks, to do it for you. Funny how sex and looks, haven't gotten you a meaningful relationship beyond the one LTR. Have you looked hard at your LTR to see what it comprised of? What was the currency of that relationship? That the two of you made a great-looking couple?

[chill chic]

Ah CC! Really, sweetheart, you focus way too much on looks. Your predicament has very little to do with how you look and a lot more to do with how you think about love and how you act.

 

How you think about love: within a week of wondering about one guy, you sleep with another and hope it means that the two of you are headed towards a serious relationship. But wait, are you at the mercy of any guy that comes by? I mean, the very fact that you were considering someone else not a week ago tells me that your feelings for your current fling are probably not that far reaching. So, continue to take your time and stop worrying about making men fall in love with you - focus rather on how they make you feel and how you feel for them. Then YOU DECIDE whether or not you want to take it to another level. I write this and I wonder if you will get it, so far it is from where you are right now.

 

Let me try to explain it another way. I firmly believe that women more then men do the choosing at the beginning of a relationship. We kind of have an ace up our sleeve. The fact is, straight men feel initial attraction for almost any women with a decent personality. They love the company of women, they love the way we look (and my friends tell me that they might have preferences but that they love a variety of forms and figures) and, of course, they love the possibility of sex. So, knowing all this, and especially since you say you are such a looker, know that the power is on your side. You don't have to prove yourself to them, they have to prove themselves to you. They have to be worthy of you. They have to chase you. Oh, and they love chasing and not only that, it is fun to be chased.

 

But being able to pull off this attitude means that you have to be very confortable on your own. It also means that you need to have criterias of what you are looking for in a man. You have to know how you want to be treated by this man, and how you want him to make you feel. And then, if a guy doesn't treat you that way, you walk away from him. Especially since you have nothing to prove to him.

 

Makes sense? Really honey I hope it helps! And I'm glad to see that things are cool with this good guy.

 

aww Kamille how you been?? you've helped me before too, so you kinda know what I'm all about that's true about the chase, how do you get that to work in your favor? sometimes I get a lil giddy when a guy I lreally ike responds to me or calls me or whatever, then I lose focus of how I should be acting. like I get so wrapped up in the moment, I forget how to make myself less available or not as "phased" however you want to put it. I do believe I need to set my standards in a whole different way, and not be so superficial, or hung up on looks or charm, it gets me every time! lol

[johan]

...sometimes I get a lil giddy when a guy I lreally ike responds to me or calls me or whatever, then I lose focus of how I should be acting. like I get so wrapped up in the moment, I forget how to make myself less available or not as "phased" however you want to put it.

 

I have a problem with the idea that you should be "acting" a certain way. If you're excited, there's nothing wrong with that. And you should be able to express yourself. On the other hand, it can be wise to moderate yourself a bit. Maybe the idea is to try to understand why you're feeling so much excitement about someone you really don't know. If it's based on a fantasy of who they are, then you should remember that reality will be much different from what you imagine. Maybe better.

 

I do believe I need to set my standards in a whole different way, and not be so superficial, or hung up on looks or charm, it gets me every time! lol

 

Superficiality is not good. But you should be with someone who you think is good-looking and charming.

 

I think maybe the key to settling into a long-term relationship is to remind yourself that that requires a lot of getting to know each other and negotiation. In the long term you aren't going to feel a lot of infatuation, and you'll know the flaws in the guy. So just assume they are there from the start, and treat him like a regular guy.

 

I'm just theorizing, I guess. Maybe some of it will be relevant to you.

[maynard]

my general read is the confusion of emotional intimacy with physical intimacy. there is no short path to emotional intimacy

[Kamille]

I agree with Johan. It's not about acting at all, and that's why it's important for you to think about what it is that you want in a relationship. The point is not for you to act distant, but for you to be more discerning. To know yourself and your own boundaries, to know what works and doesn't work for you in order to be able to build a relationship based on mutual respect and trust.

 

Enjoy the cute things guys do, but take them as a part of a wooing campaign. The fact is, thinking about what you want in relationship will likely mean you will have to take things slow as you discover yourself and what you have and want to offer. I've been doing it and it has been incredibly beneficial and I enjoy dating a lot more. Not to mention I trust men a lot more then I used to.

 

I guess, also, I know we throw a lot of things at you but you really need to make your own decisions, learn from your mistakes and celebrate your little victories. You need to learn to trust your instincts.

[Yamaha]

What is it about a guy that attracts you?

 

Is it his look, personality, height, muscle, intelligence, Witt, charm, confidence, economic status, sex appeal, honesty, morals, etc....

[lino]

So...in that way, I'm wondering if that's what guys think of me, or at least if it runs through their heads when they know I have alot of options, and COULD get better than them, if they think that about themselves. So when I slept with that guy, I was thinking like a guy, he's just a "fun time" as opposed to a real relationship so I had fun with it, but that was it. Does that make any sense? lol sorry that was long & drawn out, but if a guy thinks I have many options, would they see it as they couldn't have a relationship with me?

I know we've been talking about the overt sexualness I might give off, that could lead them to think that, BUT I'm wondering if they think that about other guys that are or could be in my life.

 

Well in my case, everytime I've been with a real stunning girl it's not so much the fact that I didn't see a relationship happening with her simply because she was really hot but because I thought to myself 'she could have pretty much any guy, what's really stopping her from leaving me right this minute?' I still wanted to continue things with them, so it didn't deter me from wanting a relationship with them but yeah in not too long they did dump me

So while I can't speak for all guys I think what I just described above is what some might be thinking when involved with a real glamour. Of course some guys might also think a woman isn't relationship material simply because she's a stunner but I don't think there'd be that many.

 

Also I don't think there should be a problem with how many guys you sleep with as long as you are happy with that & you aren't doing it while you're with a guy.

To me it doesn't seem like things are really going so bad for you with the 'nice guy' I think you're just stressing over things too much and worrying too much about the outcome of it. I think you should just take it as it comes & enjoy the company of someone you said is finally treating you well

[fray718]

Well sorry I apologize for not following everybody's suggestions on here. I'm getting slightly better, but unfortunately it's taken longer than expected. This recent guy I've dated since May and just now was intimate with him. Yah I know, sad, but 3 guys in a month or so time isn't good. Ever since my FWB guy left last year in Sept, I hadn't slept with anyone, HONEST to GOD, until this last July.

I think another problem I have is that (not being conceded) since I'm known to be above average looking, it's hard for me in that sense to trust guys. It doesn't necessarily have to do with me dressing in a certain way, like I said I can get good or perv comments just wearing sweats to go tanning. So it's hard for me to weed out the good from the bad since it's always been like this for me. My parents know even, because they've heard the comments about my looks, whether it be good or bad from all sorts of people. My mom had the same sorta problem, she was a model too back in the day, but she's raised me to be proper, but some things you have to learn on your own. But I think it's one of my underlying problems, is my appearance. And I also look really young for my age, so that doesn't help either.

 

I've never said this to anyone, but another problem I have, and have been dealing with, is an eating disorder for about 5 yrs now. So I believe I'm just looking for "love" in all the wrong places maybe I should just get a dog instead.

 

You know, you and I have the same problems. Alot of guys I get involved with don't want a relationship with me, they only want to be fwbs. And like you, I have trouble trusting guys because well I'm what you call good-looking as well. And one more thing....I used to have an eating disorder as well. I read an article written by a women who struggles with anorexia and she said that she knew alot of girls with eating disorders who are very beautiful yet had trouble finding boyfriends/love. Alot of it is self-esteem issues we deal with in connection with the eating disorder.

 

The only thing I learned now is to not get physical with someone until its exclusive. I haven't found anyone yet. And actually right now I'm taking a break from dating and focusing on my work/studies. Sometimes the best way to attempt to break a cycle i think is to take a break to focus on oneself. Just my advice. So far, I'm really enjoying the break .

[chill chic]

So...all in all...if I want to pursue something more with this guy, the best idea is to withhold being intimate again until something solid in our relationship is decided, correct? I wonder what he would think of that. BUT at this point, it would be the best decision for ME. And if he respects the fact that I'm not so animate about sex like I was before, and he still sticks around, will that mean that he wants to take me more seriously?

[Touche]

In a word, yes. But don't be surprised if he doesn't stick around. I mean you've already had sex with him so your credibility might be questioned at this point. What he does though from here on out, will say more about him though than you.

[Trialbyfire]

So...all in all...if I want to pursue something more with this guy, the best idea is to withhold being intimate again until something solid in our relationship is decided, correct? I wonder what he would think of that. BUT at this point, it would be the best decision for ME. And if he respects the fact that I'm not so animate about sex like I was before, and he still sticks around, will that mean that he wants to take me more seriously?

Nope, it shouldn't be a matter of withholding, it's a matter of how you view yourself and how you want your relationship to proceed forwards. If you want someone to solely view you as a sexual object, you'll start in on the sexual flirting like telling them you like it kinky. This is the go flag to the guy that he can have you at any time and he'll go for it. If you sleep with him at this point, this will be as he views you, nothing more than a chick to bang.

 

On the other hand, if you let a guy get to know you as a person first, before getting too heavily into the sexual aspect (of course there's flirtation involved, otherwise where's the fun), he will associate a more well-rounded person, to his perception of you.

 

The last thing is, have an exclusivity discussion with the guy before you sleep with him. It lets him know you're not here for the ONS. If he balks at this point, you know he doesn't want more with you and the two of you can go your own way, with no misunderstandings.

 

Most mature men will understand this form of graduation from dating to a relationship. This doesn't mean that your relationship is forever. It's just a start of getting to know each other better for an LTR.

[chill chic]

Nope, it shouldn't be a matter of withholding, it's a matter of how you view yourself and how you want your relationship to proceed forwards. If you want someone to solely view you as a sexual object, you'll start in on the sexual flirting like telling them you like it kinky. This is the go flag to the guy that he can have you at any time and he'll go for it. If you sleep with him at this point, this will be as he views you, nothing more than a chick to bang.

 

On the other hand, if you let a guy get to know you as a person first, before getting too heavily into the sexual aspect (of course there's flirtation involved, otherwise where's the fun), he will associate a more well-rounded person, to his perception of you.

 

The last thing is, have an exclusivity discussion with the guy before you sleep with him. It lets him know you're not here for the ONS. If he balks at this point, you know he doesn't want more with you and the two of you can go your own way, with no misunderstandings.

 

Most mature men will understand this form of graduation from dating to a relationship. This doesn't mean that your relationship is forever. It's just a start of getting to know each other better for an LTR.

 

thanks touche, it will say more about him than me at this point.

 

tbf, thanks that was good advice, very thorough thanks!! that's how I want to proceed things, not sexual, but just flirting, to let him know that I'm a person first. I'm still not sure yet what he thinks, I'm tempted to send him a nice quick email saying hi, how's your day going, since we haven't contacted each other since Sunday. just so that he doesn't have that perception of me with guys, that I'm more interested in him as a person. good idea though about the sex, it's more so that I'm the one in control right now, in that aspect.

[Touche]

thanks touche, it will say more about him than me at this point.

 

tbf, thanks that was good advice, very thorough thanks!! that's how I want to proceed things, not sexual, but just flirting, to let him know that I'm a person first. I'm still not sure yet what he thinks, I'm tempted to send him a nice quick email saying hi, how's your day going, since we haven't contacted each other since Sunday. just so that he doesn't have that perception of me with guys, that I'm more interested in him as a person. good idea though about the sex, it's more so that I'm the one in control right now, in that aspect.

 

NOOOOO! Are you telling us that since you slept with him on Sund. you haven't heard from him?

[chill chic]

NOOOOO! Are you telling us that since you slept with him on Sund. you haven't heard from him?

 

yah although it's not terribly unusual since we usually talk every other day or so because we are both busy with our jobs.

 

umm...should I be worried? uhh...so should I email him and see if he writes back?

[Trialbyfire]

Nope, I would let him do the pursuing. If he wants more, he knows where to find you.

[chill chic]

he emailed me right after I got home from his house on sunday, saying he wish he could've spent more time with me but he had to do stuff for work. so yah it's been since then.

[Touche]

he emailed me right after I got home from his house on sunday, saying he wish he could've spent more time with me but he had to do stuff for work. so yah it's been since then.

 

Ok, so did you email him back on Sund? If you did and you still haven't heard from him since then, I'd absolutely back off. I'm with TBF on this.

[Trialbyfire]

Ok, so did you email him back on Sund? If you did and you still haven't heard from him since then, I'd absolutely back off. I'm with TBF on this.

Also, if he wants to get together again, make sure it's not another booty call. You are not an object to bring out when the "need" strikes.

[chill chic]

yep I emailed him back on sunday.

 

ok sweet, I will back off, make him come to me, that way I'll know what his deal really is.

 

thanks guys!!