The "Good Guy" Update

[chill chic]

CC,

 

I don't want to speak as a man on behalf of the Goddesses here, but phone sex with an old FWB is one of the barriers preventing you from galloping towards Goddesshood.

 

To find out if he is now serious, don't talk with him sexually at all. If he moves into your town and wants to hang out, do it, but make it clear to him you aren't interested in a FWB relationship with him anymore. What I see happening is you accepting it under the hope it could lead to something more, and ultimately you being hurt when that doesn't happen. Is he someone you would want a relationship with? Then if you hang out, and you start talking sexually, tell him "I don't want that kind of relationship with you. I'm looking for a relationship, not a **** buddy, at this point in my life. If you are interested in dating me, tell me that, otherwise, I am only willing to be just friends."

 

yah that would be a good test. it seems as though we test each other at times, sometimes he talks serious, other times its about sex, same with me. I kinda doubt that he'd move all the way back here just to have an FWB with me again, but who knows, I know he doesn't know anyone else here though, not to say he can't meet anyone else, but the whole point of him moving back home was to be closer to his family. so it's like he's choosing between me & his family, which he should've done before, maybe he thinks it was a mistake. anyway, the point of the matter is that yes, I'm not going to settle for an FWB with him, it's either we're serious or just friends. he's not getting any younger (he's 33) and I'm at the point where I'd rather have a solid relationship. so I don't know, we'll see when I talk to him.

[chill chic]

I be the phone sex nazi: no more phone sex for you!

 

CC... you have a very weird relationship to sexuality. It's almost like you think that you need to 'lure' men in with sex. You of all people most likely don't. You're a sweet, funny, smart, ambitious woman.

 

It's really simple and very logical: The only guys you'll attract in your life and keep in your life with this approach are guys who are only in it for the sex. Besides, men are as multifaceted as women - and you need to see that they do enjoy being approached as more complex beings then simple horn dogs.

 

Goddesses know they are in and by themselves worthy of a true gentleman's attention.

 

duh I'm practicing safe sex that way

nah but really, I do realize that I overdo the sexual seducing and I believe it's partly because when I was growing up, I had to work hard just to be "good enough" in school especially. I had to work twice as hard basically, so I had a hard time believing that I could be "good enough". So now I tend to use my appearance or sexuality to woo certain guys, when I know they can't connect with me on an intellectual level. I can tell right off the bat if a guy isn't my type intellectually, but if he's hot or something turns me on about him, then I turn on the sexual charm. I don't know it's weird though! So I'm not sure if that makes sense or not, but I'm trying to figure it out myself.

[Touche]

duh I'm practicing safe sex that way

nah but really, I do realize that I overdo the sexual seducing and I believe it's partly because when I was growing up, I had to work hard just to be "good enough" in school especially. I had to work twice as hard basically, so I had a hard time believing that I could be "good enough". So now I tend to use my appearance or sexuality to woo certain guys, when I know they can't connect with me on an intellectual level. I can tell right off the bat if a guy isn't my type intellectually, but if he's hot or something turns me on about him, then I turn on the sexual charm. I don't know it's weird though! So I'm not sure if that makes sense or not, but I'm trying to figure it out myself.

 

That's ridiculous...focus on connecting with who you are attracted to intellectually FIRST...then worry about the rest later. You're not a dumb girl, CC. I can tell you're smart. Don't underestimate yourself.

[Cobra_X30]

duh I'm practicing safe sex that way

nah but really, I do realize that I overdo the sexual seducing and I believe it's partly because when I was growing up, I had to work hard just to be "good enough" in school especially. I had to work twice as hard basically, so I had a hard time believing that I could be "good enough". So now I tend to use my appearance or sexuality to woo certain guys, when I know they can't connect with me on an intellectual level. I can tell right off the bat if a guy isn't my type intellectually, but if he's hot or something turns me on about him, then I turn on the sexual charm. I don't know it's weird though! So I'm not sure if that makes sense or not, but I'm trying to figure it out myself.

 

Oh... man does that remind me of an ex or two!

 

Listen, there are many different types of intelligence! I can easily memorize a whole text book, but I cant remember where I parked my bloody car. I would put money on the fact that you are plenty smart and extrememly capable! Focus on the points where your strong! When you walk into a relationship where you feel "inferior" your going to kill any connection you could have had. Trust me I know this!

[chill chic]

That's ridiculous...focus on connecting with who you are attracted to intellectually FIRST...then worry about the rest later. You're not a dumb girl, CC. I can tell you're smart. Don't underestimate yourself.

 

yah umm...I didn't know exactly how to word that. well like for instance this guy that models that has been my friend for awhile, we had slept together because it was a mutual agreement and we were both hot for each other one night so we did it. BUT I know that he's not my type that I'd have a relationship with because he's full of air, and has girls crawling all over him, so it's something that I know, that I'd just like to be friends with him. so there isn't any emotional connection with him. it is what it is, and I don't stress about him.

thats what I thought I was accomplishing with this guy in the first place, connecting with him intellectually first, but then he'd throw in the sex talk, so all together it roped me into him, and ended up having sex with him. so that's why I was confused because I thought I was actually getting somewhere with a guy, like we know, he put in alot of effort if it was just to sleep with me this whole time.

[chill chic]

Oh... man does that remind me of an ex or two!

 

Listen, there are many different types of intelligence! I can easily memorize a whole text book, but I cant remember where I parked my bloody car. I would put money on the fact that you are plenty smart and extrememly capable! Focus on the points where your strong! When you walk into a relationship where you feel "inferior" your going to kill any connection you could have had. Trust me I know this!

 

yah like they say, you can be book smart, or intellectually inclined, but not have much common sense. so I don't have much common sense about relationships, but I just got stuck in the same rut and didn't know how to get out. you're right about the inferior part, because sometimes if I can sense that he knows what he's talking about, and so do I, but he doesn't know yet, I try not to be TOO intimdating at first, BUT that's because I was seeing mostly insecure guys that couldn't handle it. like THIS guy for instance, he told me he thought I was too smart, and said he thought I was smarter than him. and that should've raised a flag in my mind, but I told him, well I'd see it as we're equal.

anyway, we still talked intellectually but who knows about him.

[chill chic]

just lastnight he emailed me saying he had emailed me, but I hadn't received anything, so I wrote him back saying "maybe you clicked unsend instead"

then he wrote back

"Not to my knowledge? I don't even know what 'unsend' means?

but unsending has got to be better than spamming

:)"

 

I think he added that smile to be cute...blah

then I wrote back:

meaning (through aol) you can delete your sent emails before the other person receives them.

yah speaking of spamming...it seems to be going around lately."

 

he wrote back (trying to be cute again):I apparently am obsessed with new ring tones!

:)"

so I wrote back "haha uh oh, well hope you changed your password. luckily I haven't gotten anything like that, who knows what it would be."

 

with NO flirty inuendo, or NO smiley faces, nothing, usually that is totally opposite.

[Kamille]

Chill, I'm wondering why you seem to need to have so much sex. It's just that your need for sex seems to be one of the things running in the way of you actually committing to transforming yourself into a goddess.

 

A part of me wonders if you are focusing on sex so much because you think that otherwise your life will be boring. I think that for you there is a link between sex, self-esteem and self-image. I'm trying to unpack it but haven't found a clear answer yet.

 

Do you find the sexual interactions you have with these men satisfying, everytime? Your model friend, Mr. 3-some guy and Mr. Not-So-Good-Guy?

 

I'm saying this because I used to hop into bed with men a bit quicker then I do now and frankly, the sex wasn't that satisfying. I think I did it because I was craving intimacy but if there was no emotional attachment, then it would leave me feeling rather empty and vulnerable.

 

Some of my friends are different and can find satisfaction in FWB arrangements or one-night-stands. They usually tend to not mix up emotional commitment and sex for sex though. The funny thing is, I probably have a higher sex drive then these friends. I also have some very reliable toys.

 

Also, some people here have tried to address this point in a number a ways but you never seemed to pick up on it:

two-three weeks ago you had sex with Mr. 3some guy.

Not a week after you have sex with Mr.Not-so-good... Hoping that it would lead to something more serious.

But CC, the fact that you had sex not a week prior with Mr. 3some clearly means that YOU were not that serious about Mr. Not-So-Good yourself. You obviously were not invested or had no emotional attachment to Mr. Not-So-Good.

 

If you truly want a serious relationship, you need to stop having sex with men you are not a committed relationship with, period.

[Cobra_X30]

Some of my friends are different and can find satisfaction in FWB arrangements or one-night-stands. They usually tend to not mix up emotional commitment and sex for sex though. The funny thing is, I probably have a higher sex drive then these friends. I also have some very reliable toys.

 

Yeah... I try to stay away from this kind of stuff... it's not healthy in any way. If you start seperating the emotions from sex, thats not something you just turn on and off easily... eventually it starts to float into any good relationship you may enter. It starts to eat your heart.

 

You need to pay very close attention to what your training yourself for! Your past experiences are going to bear a great weight on what you do in the future.

[chill chic]

Last Saturday I forwarded all my friends an invite to a club, regarding a guestlist. It was just to let them know, to let me know if they wanted to go so I could tell my friend to put them on the guestlist. Well I have my friends in an address book, so I checked all of them so it would be quick and easy. Well this "guy" was on the list, so he got the email too. Well he just got back in to town today and read and replied to my email.

This is what it read:

 

"Thanks for the note and the invite. I just got back in town.

My best friend from college got married, so we all went up to a ranch in the Colorado mountains for 3 days for the event. A really good time, but good to be back under 8500 feet. How was the parrrty?

I think I am in town mostly for the next month or so...and now that the summer is over I think I will cry.

have a great few remaining hours of weekend!"

 

Ok so I'm a lil...well sorta surprised that there wasn't any sexual inuendo included in his message. But I don't know if he mentioned that he'll be back in town now for awhile to hint to me or what. But I took it as a "friendly" email. So this is what I wrote back:

"Hey no problem. Yah I remember you telling me about your friend getting married in Colorado...that must have been a beautiful scenery in the mountains to have a wedding.

The party was nice...it was a pretty chique crowd. my friends & I were right there when he walked in with his entourage. Then as we were walking out, he was driving away, so I got a video of that with my cell phone, like right up on him at the traffic light lol only a few people knew he was leaving so we were able to see him closer.

well that's good that you'll be in town for the most part, hope to see you soon! And yah it's a bummer that summer is almost over, I like halloween time but when it gets to be too cold, yikes =(

Thanks, and I hope you're enjoying your last few hours too!"

 

was that simple what I wrote, just like he did with me or what? I didn't exactly want to show any flirtations, just to the point, simple.

[sb129]

I think its fine CC. I am assuming the person you caught on a videophone was someone famous??? Who was it>?

[chill chic]

I think its fine CC. I am assuming the person you caught on a videophone was someone famous??? Who was it>?

 

yah he's a famous artist from my city, but I don't want to say because it would reveal where I live

 

ok so I think (from his email) he's either taking this slow, seeing us as friends or what? I mean we had sex, and all. I dunno maybe I'm just overanalyzing like always.

[sb129]

yah he's a famous artist from my city, but I don't want to say because it would reveal where I live

 

ok so I think (from his email) he's either taking this slow, seeing us as friends or what? I mean we had sex, and all. I dunno maybe I'm just overanalyzing like always.

 

Yeah, maybe...... I think you should just keep doing what you are doing.

IE relax, and let it go for now.

Its good for you.

[chill chic]

[sIZE=2]Ok so I was looking on his myspage page, and I noticed this girl that he's always had on his top list (I'm on his top list too) but she sends him comments, nothing out of the ordinary, but I do know that he went to her state for 4th of July. Well her page has always been private so I couldn't see anything on her page. Well today, it was unprivate, and he's the 1st guy on her top list, and it status says "in a relationship" but his has always said "single" . So I'm confused, and I really want to know if he is in fact in a relationship with her. Can I just write him an email and bluntly asked "are you in a relationship with anyone?" or how should I say this?!! Help I want to know so I can stop talking to this guy once & for all.

[/sIZE]

[Touche]

You're saying you can't stop talking to him unless you know? What the heck difference would it make? You already know all you need to know. He slept with you and is now treating you like a casual acquaintance.

 

MOVE ON! I'm almost ready to give up on you, cc. A goddess wouldn't ask the question you want to ask him. Please don't.

[sb129]

You're saying you can't stop talking to him unless you know? What the heck difference would it make? You already know all you need to know. He slept with you and is now treating you like a casual acquaintance.

 

MOVE ON! I'm almost ready to give up on you, cc. A goddess wouldn't ask the question you want to ask him. Please don't.

 

Hear hear! I second that.

 

Who CARES CC??? I thought you were moving on. Whether he is seeing this girl is irrelevant... we have already established he is NOT seeing YOU.... which is all that matters now.

 

YOU have to be the bigger person. For heavens sake give myspace a rest.

It just makes you overanalyse things FAR too much.

Myspace is a disaster zone sometimes.

Sorry to be blunt, but desperate times call for it.

[oppath]

CC,

 

I'll be blunt as a guy. If I'm into a girl at all, I'm going to be calling her after sex. Sometimes it does happen -- and there was a recent LS thread about a guy doing just this -- that we'll have sex and realize whoa ****, I'm not ready for this, I'm not sure how much I like her, and I don't want a relationship right now. And when guys who are worth a **** have sex before the talk flip and realize "I'm not sure about this," we say "hey, I need to be honest, I'm not sure if I'm ready for the level of intimacy sex will bring to this relationship" IF we value them and see them as more than a sex partner. In all my relationships, the exclusivity talk has come AFTER sex, true, but unless I view a girl as a piece of meat, I'm at least going to call the next day, even if I'm not pursuing her for a relationship. Hell, I'll do that with a FWB the first time. Sometimes it has been the girl saying "why the hell are you calling so soon?"

 

He has treated you like a casual acquaintance AFTER sleeping with you. Has he even called? Or has it been an email game? The fact that he hasn't called means you should walk away. You want more, right? He's not offering more. There are many men out there who won't hesitate to call the next day. There are men LOOKING for relationships.

[chill chic]

you guys are right, why am I worrying?!! I'm over it, seriously. he's a pr*ck with a small d*ck, and just goes to show he's one less jerk I have to waste my time on. no more!

 

well I'm still feelin' my fwb guy, he called lastnight to talk, and told me he went to Vegas last weekend, and he volunteered to say that he didn't hook up with any girl even though his friend was getting girls left & right. and I seriously believe he was being truthful and sincere when he said it, I could just tell by his voice even. but normally like back in the day, we'd both play the game where he'd say "this girl, & that girl" were flirting with him nd the same with me. so I can tell he's a lil different now when he talks to me. and he wants me to go to Vegas with him next spring, and that he's still looking for a job opening here again. so I'll see with him. but until then, I'm done with the guys, and since my fwb is still in his home town for now, I'll be working on improving on myself, paying off bills, hanging with my girl friends, and spending time with family.

[johan]

A little anger helps when you want to forget the other feelings you have about someone.

[stillafool]

you guys are right, why am I worrying?!! I'm over it, seriously. he's a pr*ck with a small d*ck, and just goes to show he's one less jerk I have to waste my time on. no more!

 

I don't think this is the right attitude to have towards him because he doesn't call you. You didn't care about the size of his D--k or if he was a jerk when you wanted him to call you. You didn't feel that way about him before after you slept with him. I think you should take this as a lesson and not give it up too fast or guys will look at you as a piece of meat. It sounds like you need to slow down some or you will get a bad reputation. The other poster was right when a guy likes you he will call the next day if not before.

[nicki]

It's been my experience that most (good) guys will want to make sure YOU are off the market before another guy has a chance to steal you away.

 

I've noticed that most guys bring up the exclusivity talk right after sex. I might not talk exclusivity before sex, but I make damn sure he isn't sleeping with anyone else or even going out on dates with another woman...so, I guess that makes it exclusive before the deed is done...but not technically. He needs to want it, too, and express it.

 

All it takes is one good, normal experience with a normal, emotionally healthy guy and you will understand what everyone here is trying to teach you.

 

The guys on your radar screen are not capable of this kind of normal behavior. You are picking jerks. Why? You need to ask yourself some hard questions. Maybe stop being so sexual for a while.

 

Sex is great, but try to be more economical with it and use it more efficiently. It's not for all guys out there, just for that one special guy you choose to focus all of your attention on.

 

It really helps weed out the losers. They will keep looking for the woman who puts out the sex vibe. Most good guys want a sexy, confident woman....BUT, they want to know that woman is selective and is hard to get for most guys.

 

Chill chic, you are an amazing woman! That's why so many people here are giving you a virtual shake by the shoulders. You are obviously adorable and loved here...and it's not because of your sexuality....See?

[nicki]

Here's one way to make a change in your behavior. Use sexuality as a spice, not the main course. Sprinkle it in here and there, economically:

 

For instance, when you talk to a guy you like, flirt with him a bit, but then change the subject and be interested in what you two are talking about. Your focus should be on exchanging information and seeing what each other's likes and values are.

 

You can be playful. If you are out with him, enjoy eating your food (that can be very sexy to a guy.) Smile at him and bite your lip. Look at his ass or crotch and let him catch you. Then smile sheepishly. Switch gears and talk about things. Get to know his thoughts, his ideas. Share yours. Focus and listen like a therapist would. Tell him your thoughts like you think he wants to know them (and he should!) Touch your hair. Touch his leg. Smile. Get up to go the bathroom. As you are walking away, look back over your shoulder at him. Smile playfully.

 

If he starts talking about sex, then tell him you love anything that makes your body feel good. Then tell him that you are only "intimate" with men who are your boyfriends because you like feel competely free and wild with your man. Change the subject or ask him to pass the salt. Smile sweetly.

 

See? You just showed him that you are sexy, confident, smart AND exclusive.

 

If he walks away from that deal, he is an idiot. And you don't want him anyway. If he's a "good" guy, he will get the message that he better step up to the plate as a boyfriend if he wants to enjoy ALL that you have to offer. And you are a PACKAGE deal, right? A guy needs to appreciate the WHOLE you.

 

Basically, think about having some rules for yourself. Like a guy has to take you out and spend time on you in order to get your attention.

 

Anyway, just some thoughts. You don't need to strip away ALL of your sexuality. Just use it sparingly and know that you are a vibrant joyful woman in a LOT of ways, that just being one way.

[oppath]

I've noticed that most guys bring up the exclusivity talk right after sex. I might not talk exclusivity before sex, but I make damn sure he isn't sleeping with anyone else or even going out on dates with another woman...so, I guess that makes it exclusive before the deed is done...but not technically. He needs to want it, too, and express it.

 

And that's usually when we bring up the awkward, "so...you don't have any diseases I should know about, do you?" I agree, exclusivity usually does come after sex for me. I generally want a month or so of sex, not seeing other, before putting titles on our relationship. It just feels more natural that way. However, I do not see other women during that time.

 

As a woman, it's not so much that you need to have the talk first; you can get burned regardless of the talk. You need to make sure his actions indicate he will offer what you want. There is no sure-fire way to know if a guy will be a jerk, if he'll get distant after sex, etc. But you can minimize the chance of a guy acting like that if you pick up the vibe he is really into you FOR YOU AS A PERSON before sex. This means he calls after dates, and a bunch of other stuff.

 

CC, this guy did give you more of those things, so you've taken steps in the right direction, and it WILL pay off for you. But he hasn't called. A FRIEND WOULD CALL, certainly a potential boyfriend.

[nicki]

Well said, Oopath. It's a good idea to watch his behavior BEFORE sex. That will give you a pretty good indicator of what his behavior will be like after (ie, is he thoughtful? Does he keep his word? Does he care about how you feel?)

 

And sometimes, you just can't know how a guy will react after sex. But you have to know that you will respond in a way that is protective to yourself. As in, cutting him loose if he is a jerk.

 

I agree, this guy isn't even acting like a friend, let alone a potential boyfriend.

[chill chic]

thanks for the replies well that's what I was at least hoping that "exclusivity" talk would come immediately after having sex, even though I KNOW I should've had the talk more thoroughly with him before we had sex. But I can't take that back.

Anyway...here is a lil update to this matter. He's on my myspace of course, and sometimes when I'm bored, I post bulletins-surveys that friends send me. So one of the questions was, who last called me. And I said my fwb's name because it was actually true, and I though, ok I'm not hurting any guys feelings I don't think because I see myspace as fun anyway. Well, I hadn't talked to this guy since he last emailed me, (last monday) because I believe that if he wants me, he has to do the work. So...sure enough, he replied to my bulletin post with a funny message. So I replied back, but it was VERY nonchalant, nothing to it, just straight forward reply back. Then this morning he emailed me again, I have yet to read it, but I'm thinking that since he knows that my fwb is still in the picture, and becoming more into me, I THINK that he sees that and is trying alot harder with his contacting. I'm not sure but it does seem like that lately, he's contacting me, not me contacting him. and he's seemingly more aggressive with his approach. So that's the scoop so far.

 

Oh yah SG...you'll be happy to know that I talked with my dad lastnight about dating guys. I was actually at the driving range with him lastnight, and this well dressed, well mannered guy, came up to me and suggested that I hold the club differently, giving me tips, while my dad was standing there. He was really handsome, not too much older than me, but I thought it was nice that he came up to me. Then my dad said, "see that's the kind of guy you should be meeting, down to earth kinda guy" so then we started talking about that, and he told me that whatever I'm doing, isn't working, meaning wherever I'm meeting guys, isn't cutting it and I deserve better than that. He also told me that he notices when I dress like I have money, and drive my mercedes that it could be hurting my chances on meeting these down to earth guys. Which is probably true. So I know he knows, and he just has never told me that before, so it feels good to know and I realize now that my dad DOES care about who I meet and he believes I deserve better and the best. I just needed to hear that from him, because it makes me feel better about myself hearing those words from him. Like that's what I've been waiting for from him and I think it's going to help my "change" even better