The "Good Guy" Update

[chill chic]

Oh yes it does.

 

 

 

By saying that, he has demonstrated that he has placed you in the easy lay category. He's a disgusting jerk, CC.

 

dammit he thinks I'm an easy lay, even though it took 4 months to sleep with me? and he did ALL that just to do that?

 

wow I'm really dropping him off my top list

[nicki]

Don't give him any excuses he could use against you.

 

I know you want to believe the best in him. It's a good impulse to have in an equal relationship where the other person has been there for you and has proven themselves to you over time.

 

But don't believe the best in this guy. I'd believe the worst, first. His actions speak as to his state of mind.

 

He doesn't contact you because he doesn't want to. Ouch, I know, sorry. But that's the bottom line. It doesn't really matter if it's due to his "insecurity" or his busy life or whatever.

 

If he does that to you now, then he will always do that do you for the same "reasons." That's not okay.

[nicki]

CC, it doesn't matter that he might think you are an easy lay (which you aren't after 4 months.)

 

It matters that YOU think he is a JERK! And he is.

 

A lot of guys will put in a few months to sleep with a woman. And they sleep with other women while they are waiting for the new woman to submit.

 

Google commitment phobic guys and you will see that many men act charming and wonderful and then flip the script.

 

You had no way of knowing about him until he showed you who he is with his actions. Let yourself off the hook.

 

He could have turned out to be a nice guy. But now that you know he isn't, you have more information than you had before to make a decision about what YOU want.

[Star Gazer]

dammit he thinks I'm an easy lay, even though it took 4 months to sleep with me? and he did ALL that just to do that?

 

 

But it really didn't. You've been tied up and interested in other guys since May (which was 3, not 4 months ago). Once he put any semblance of effort in to make it appear that he was interested in you for you, you caved. It WAS easy for him, CC.

 

Next time, don't be naive and wilfully blind. Make them PROVE IT. That takes time and patience, for sure. But it's the only way to weed out guys like this one. SLOW DOWN, there's no rush.

 

AND if/when you ever get a guy saying something like that to you again, you CANNOT respond nicely to them. YOU teach others how to treat you. By playing coy with a comment like that, you basically agreed with his opinion, albeit unintentionally.

[Star Gazer]

You had no way of knowing about him until he showed you who he is with his actions. Let yourself off the hook.

 

I completely disagree. She could have and should have known what he was really interested in BEFORE sleeping with him. He's not 100% responsible here, particularly given that she sent him a nice reply to his jacka$$ message.

[sb129]

I agree with the others CC- don't even give the guy the time of day.

 

Waiting a week (or more) to call you is not acceptable, and that kind of email makes it clear what hes interested in...

 

I hear what you are saying re: getting on with guys better, not as much drama, but how much drama has this one guy precipitated over the last week? And the week before that it was TWO guys, you wouldn't get half this kind of drama with good girlfriends, because sex wouldn't get in the way. You may think you get on better with the guys because they are nicer to you, but it seems that most of your most recent guy 'pals' are only friendly with you because they are after one thing...and look what happens when they get it.

 

You seem to assume that girls are catty towards you etc, maybe you should give them more of a chance.... they WILL be catty if you write them off in the first instance and show the guys more interest in a group situation- its only natural for girls to do that.

 

Why don't you make more of an effort to get to know some girlfriends??

There is only drama if you create it (ie going after one of their BFs, paying men more attention).... you might be pleasantly surprised. You get on with the goddess gang on here...!

 

I wouldn't give up my girlfriends! They are fun...

[nicki]

True, she could have responded differently to his crude message.

 

And she did overlook the "I'm too busy to be in a relationship" crap.

[Sleek Geek]

sometimes if I don't know a girl too well, it takes awhile for me to trust her, so I only have a few best girl friends that I've known for awhile. other than that, girls can be catty to me, just by looking at me, they assume something, or their jealous of something. guys don't start drama like that.

 

Long but captivating thread.

 

I'm stomped by the paradox here. You admit that it takes awhile before you really trust your girlfriends in your life, yet you are ready to trust the first guy who comes around. But, if anything, I bet the biggest drama in your life happens because of guys.

 

Getting to know someone enough to consider making them a permanent part of your life takes time, guy or girl. Approach men the same way you approach women. Let time build your trust in them.

[Cobra_X30]

uhhh I feel like an idiot now though!!! yah I wish you could defend me and kick his a** for me

 

LOL... I'm trying to cut down on that! Got me into a fight at a movie theater on Saturday! Lucky my little cousin was there to bail me out!!!

 

Anyway, your NOT an idiot... this guy is! What a sad sack. Start a new thread in regards to "how to evaluate potential BF's?" Cause this guy isnt worth another thought!

[nicki]

Yeah, some women will be too jealous of you to be friends with you, but that's their problem.

 

Most women will respond quite well to you if you smile at them, compliment them and act like a good friend would. See them for more than how they look, and they will do the same for you.

 

Having some girlfriends would be great for you!! You would feel loved and there would be no pressure or sexual tension, as there is many times with guys.

[sb129]

Long but captivating thread.

 

I'm stomped by the paradox here. You admit that it takes awhile before you really trust your girlfriends in your life, yet you are ready to trust the first guy who comes around. But, if anything, I bet the biggest drama in your life happens because of guys.

 

Exactly! CC, you put too much trust in men, you make them too responsible for your happiness, when the only person who is responsible for your happiness is YOU.

 

Most women will respond quite well to you if you smile at them, compliment them and act like a good friend would. See them for more than how they look, and they will do the same for you.

 

Having some girlfriends would be great for you!! You would feel loved and there would be no pressure or sexual tension, as there is many times with guys.

 

As usual, I totally agree with Nicki. CC, the other girls will only be catty towards you if you give them a reason to be. If you show them how much of a nice person you are, you could begin some great friendships!

[Star Gazer]

I hear what you are saying re: getting on with guys better, not as much drama, but how much drama has this one guy precipitated over the last week? And the week before that it was TWO guys, you wouldn't get half this kind of drama with good girlfriends, because sex wouldn't get in the way. You may think you get on better with the guys because they are nicer to you, but it seems that most of your most recent guy 'pals' are only friendly with you because they are after one thing...and look what happens when they get it.

 

You seem to assume that girls are catty towards you etc, maybe you should give them more of a chance.... they WILL be catty if you write them off in the first instance and show the guys more interest in a group situation- its only natural for girls to do that.

 

Why don't you make more of an effort to get to know some girlfriends??

There is only drama if you create it (ie going after one of their BFs, paying men more attention).... you might be pleasantly surprised. You get on with the goddess gang on here...!

 

I wouldn't give up my girlfriends! They are fun...

 

I wouldn't give up my real girlfriends for anything. They are my family.

 

That said, I can understand why you have drama with girls, CC. This will likely sound worse than I mean it to, but I'll try to explain this...

 

Personally, if I knew you IRL, I would likely not be friends with you, CC. I would see you as someone who created drama in her life, and put her flirty/sexual (and very shallow [as in "only on the surface"]) relationships with random guys who disrespect her ahead of cultivating deep, life-long friendships with her girlfriends. Most importantly, I would see you as someone who doesn't respect herself...and if she doesn't respect herself, she's not going to respect our friendship (including by flirting with and stealing my BF away from me, claiming it's because you are just "friends" and you like guys better as friends, which is B.S.). Having been in your shoes, I'd totally understand WHY you behave and think the way you do, but I wouldn't want to revert back into those patterns myself, so I'd likely run in the other direction.

 

Part of what got me to where I am now - a much stronger, confident, don't-take-B.S. woman than I was just 5 years ago - was my relationships with my best girlfriends, who are themselves very strong, independent, wise women. Like you, I didn't have a strong male role-model growing up to show me how a woman is supposed to be loved and respected. So I had to turn to the women in my life to show me how to love myself.

 

The common denominator in your repeat problems with guys AND girls is YOU, CC. We've gotta get you to change your manner of thinking about yourself.

 

Seriously, have you considered therapy?

[chill chic]

oy...I'm at a loss of words because of all of this. I wish I could change the title of this thread

but really, I should've seen this coming, I was just a slight bit blind-sided. geez I want to so bad call him a pig right now, BUT I'm not going to show that I'm bothered a least bit.

well if any of you guys can find me a good catch, let me know or if I meet a guy again, I'll put him through the screening test on here

 

I just need to get a lil puppy dog for the time being

[Star Gazer]

You wouldn't ever let a jerk-o hurt someone you love, right?

 

Well then, I think you should implement a dating moratorium. Do not date anyone or flirt with anyone that would suggest you're interested in them for at least 6 months. I'm dead serious. Get to know YOURSELF. Fall in love with YOURSELF. Once you do that, you won't ever let another jerk-o hurt someone you love - yourself.

[chill chic]

Exactly! CC, you put too much trust in men, you make them too responsible for your happiness, when the only person who is responsible for your happiness is YOU.

 

 

 

As usual, I totally agree with Nicki. CC, the other girls will only be catty towards you if you give them a reason to be. If you show them how much of a nice person you are, you could begin some great friendships!

 

BUT I AM a very nice person, you have to get to know me better besides looking at what's on the outside.

 

uhhh I give up on everything..

[Cobra_X30]

 

The common denominator in your repeat problems with guys AND girls is YOU, CC. We've gotta get you to change your manner of thinking about yourself.

 

Seriously, have you considered therapy?

 

Not gonna beat around the bush are you?

 

I see the same issues... but I'm seeing more of a "hole in the heart" syndrome.

 

SG... Did you ever have control issues?

[sb129]

oy...I'm at a loss of words because of all of this. I wish I could change the title of this thread

but really, I should've seen this coming, I was just a slight bit blind-sided. geez I want to so bad call him a pig right now, BUT I'm not going to show that I'm bothered a least bit.

well if any of you guys can find me a good catch, let me know or if I meet a guy again, I'll put him through the screening test on here

 

I just need to get a lil puppy dog for the time being

 

ARRRGAHGHGHGRAGGAARRRRRRGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Here you go again! Looking for a 'good catch'.... moving right along.

 

The problem is chillchic, is that you aren't examining the deeper issues that are causing you to continue to fall for these idiots.

You are quite happy to now heap the blame on him, and move on to the next one.

 

I am not saying in the slightest that you deserve what you have been through, but you still don't seem to accept your behavioural patterns.

You still seem to pin all your future happiness on meeting "a good catch", when happiness should be yours NOW, with or without a man.

 

Last week, you said the same thing- that you were off men for now.

And lo and behold, a few days later, you were in the same mess, asking us the same questions and getting upset for the same reasons.

 

I don't want to be mean, I really don't. But you seem obsessed with finding a man, which means you are missing out on so much that life can offer you. (for example, having a great group of girlfriends you can enjoy time with).

[Star Gazer]

Not gonna beat around the bush are you?

 

I see the same issues... but I'm seeing more of a "hole in the heart" syndrome.

 

SG... Did you ever have control issues?

 

I've said this same thing to CC ever since she joined LS, and yes, it IS about a "hole in the heart." She's got a big, huge hole - and only SHE can fix it. The same exact scenario with loser/user men who she thinks genuinely likes her (after a week of sexual flirting) has presented itself time and time again in her life. She's not seeing the pattern, and there is a root to this problem. You only have to gloss over her previous threads to see this.

 

I don't want to hyjack the thread, but I don't believe I've ever had control issues, it's nothing my therapists have ever noticed or mentioned...but who knows.

[sb129]

BUT I AM a very nice person, you have to get to know me better besides looking at what's on the outside. .

 

 

!!!!!! The only person who keeps banging on about the external appearance is you CC. I have no idea what you look like, and I only know you are hot because you told me.

I know you are a nice person, so that means other people will think so.

 

You have to give people a chance to find out whats on the inside.

People aren't as fixated on external appearances as you think. I think you focus far too much on that.

[chill chic]

You wouldn't ever let a jerk-o hurt someone you love, right?

 

Well then, I think you should implement a dating moratorium. Do not date anyone or flirt with anyone that would suggest you're interested in them for at least 6 months. I'm dead serious. Get to know YOURSELF. Fall in love with YOURSELF. Once you do that, you won't ever let another jerk-o hurt someone you love - yourself.

 

thanks for the long reply before, well maybe we could be friends AFTER I make my transformation?

 

anyway, I need to take a breather from everything really, maybe even get a partime job just so I can fill up some extra time that I'd be worrying about all this crap.

what are some easy steps for loving myself? I really WISHED that I lived on my own right now so I could have JUST alone time with myself. But I'm stuck living with my parents until my bills are paid off even though they are the only other people in my life that make me happy.

[Kamille]

oy...I'm at a loss of words because of all of this. I wish I could change the title of this thread

but really, I should've seen this coming, I was just a slight bit blind-sided. geez I want to so bad call him a pig right now, BUT I'm not going to show that I'm bothered a least bit.

well if any of you guys can find me a good catch, let me know or if I meet a guy again, I'll put him through the screening test on here

 

I just need to get a lil puppy dog for the time being

 

CC, I really wouldn't see this as a defeat because this isn't about this guy at all but about YOU. I've been following your threads since your V I P days and I've seen a lot of improvement on how you approach the issues. This is probably the thread where you've shown the most improvement. Never forget the goddess program ok?

 

You do seem to lapse in between your old ways of thinking and the new opportunities that the guidance you got here has given you. I think today you are mourning the fact that you do have to slam this last guy out of your life and this is bringing you back to your old ways of thinking. That's fine. But remember that you are deciding to keep him out of your life.

 

Remember yesterday how empowered you felt when you decided he wasn't worth your time? Go reread what you wrote yesterday. That's you girl!

[sb129]

CC, you really really do need some girlfriends don't you?!!

 

What are you interested in besides your job? Maybe you could sign up for a nightclass or something that will get you out of the house, and doing something that you are interested in, as well as helping you meet new people with similar interests.

 

Maybe you could join a womens sports team?

[Star Gazer]

ARRRGAHGHGHGRAGGAARRRRRRGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Here you go again! Looking for a 'good catch'.... moving right along.

 

The problem is chillchic, is that you aren't examining the deeper issues that are causing you to continue to fall for these idiots.

You are quite happy to now heap the blame on him, and move on to the next one.

 

I am not saying in the slightest that you deserve what you have been through, but you still don't seem to accept your behavioural patterns.

You still seem to pin all your future happiness on meeting "a good catch", when happiness should be yours NOW, with or without a man.

 

Last week, you said the same thing- that you were off men for now.

And lo and behold, a few days later, you were in the same mess, asking us the same questions and getting upset for the same reasons.

 

I don't want to be mean, I really don't. But you seem obsessed with finding a man, which means you are missing out on so much that life can offer you. (for example, having a great group of girlfriends you can enjoy time with).

 

 

I was doing the same exact "AARRRRRAAAAGGGHHHARARARAAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!" thing you were, SB!!

 

DATING MORATORIUM, CC!!!!!!! Seriously, take a trip to a yoga resort or something, get away from men, and find yourself....and see a therapist. You have some very deep seeded issues that must be resolved before you'll ever find happiness - with or without a man in your life. You must heal those wounds.

[Cobra_X30]

 

I don't want to hyjack the thread, but I don't believe I've ever had control issues, it's nothing my therapists have ever noticed or mentioned...but who knows.

 

I will go back and read some of her other threads. But I sense this control need... when you feel everything in your life is spiraling out of your hands... it often forces girls to grab onto small things that they can control... and obsess them.

 

I dated a girl like that for a while. She got progressively worse as time went on. Developed an eating disorder (or maybe it was always there), because its something she could control.... ect.

 

You cant just shake someone out of that!!!

[Star Gazer]

I will go back and read some of her other threads. But I sense this control need... when you feel everything in your life is spiraling out of your hands... it often forces girls to grab onto small things that they can control... and obsess them.

 

I dated a girl like that for a while. She got progressively worse as time went on. Developed an eating disorder (or maybe it was always there), because its something she could control.... ect.

 

You cant just shake someone out of that!!!

 

Well, my life is definitely not spiraling out of my hands. I am freakishly responsible and very much in control of every aspect of my life at present, to the point where I really wish I had more people to delegate my responsibilities to! If anything, I have too much control already, simply by virtue of my profession, lifestyle, commitments and position within certain organizations, etc.

 

Anyway, what you're sensing isn't a "control need" - it's just straight up irritation at watching CC make the same mistake over and over and over again and drive herself in circles.