The "Good Guy" Update

[chill chic]

huh...I just read his email, and it said "what are your weekend plans?" ha

 

so I said, "not sure what i'm doing tonight or if I'm doing anything tonight, since i have to wake up early for a golf tournament the next day...then I'm leaving early instead of staying for the stuff afterwards so I can actually do something that night. that's the scoop so far though.

what are your plans?"

 

that's all she wrote

[nicki]

Your dad sounds smart and may be a good judge of character. Bring potential guys around and see what he thinks of them.

 

About the email, I think you give way too much info to this guy. When asked "What are your weekend plans?" I would have emailed back "Why? Are you asking me out? Ha" or something vague like, "Oh, I'll be doing this and that."

 

Make him work for it a bit. Make him say the words and ask you out on a date. And don't give him much attention or email him otherwise. That way he will have to ask you out to spend time with you.

 

Again, that's what most good normal guys do.

[chill chic]

ok me and him have just been emailing each other for the past hour, I thought things were going well, until he said something.

 

we were getting into this deep discussion about how he's sorry that he's been busy and hadn't contacted me, but didn't want me to take it personally...but that he wanted us to call more often. then I asked, since he's busy, when a good time to call him is, and he said anytime I call him is a good time. so I was being serious with my statements, and genuine, and then after a lil bit more talk, with NOTHING sexual coming from me, he said "the #1 time to call me is when you're drunk & horny"

 

WTF???!!! is he just being funny after all that serious talk or that's his true self shining through...again?

[chill chic]

then I said "strike! wrong answer"

 

then he replied back "damn, how many strikes do I get?"

 

I said "you're in the -dog- house...unless you were my bf...then you can say anything dirty you want"

 

 

haha probably strikes him as odd since we used to talk dirty, but now I'm a changed woman, or at least getting there so he has to understand that.

 

was that good of me?

[Kamille]

Wow Chill! I am so happy you had that talk with your dad. My dad used to never mingle in my love life and lately he has been given me advice too and he seriously gives the best advice! Here is a man who truly loves you and wants nothing but the best for you (even though he can be absent at times) and who also knows what it's like to be a man. Not only that, I get the impression that your parents are still together, like mine, and your father is a man who knows what it takes to make a relationship last!

 

As for the e-mailing back and forth... Well... I am very proud of your replies on the one hand and then also wondering why you're bothering with this guy on the other.

 

But I think all in all it is a good practice for you to learn to assert yourself - and to establish how you want him/men to treat you.

 

So good job! Way to go! Pat on the back. Now stop e-mailing him. Surely you have something better to do.

[shadowplay]

I agree with Kamille. Don't even bother with this guy. Nothing you can do, no way of acting will change him. The problem is with him, not you. In fact don't bother with any of the guys you've been hanging around. Stop worrying about how you're coming across and seek out better men.

 

You'll have better luck if you look for guys who are in some way attached to something academic or cultural -- perhaps somebody working on their graduate degree, a professor, a musician, an artist, a writer. Business men tend to be less sincere and more playerly in my experience. You need sophisticated, cultured men who actually value women. Hang out at your local museum, go to an art exhibit, a talk at a nearby university, a bookstore. These are the places to meet serious men. Most guys above the age of 25 who have myspaces are probably not very sophisticated or serious. You've said to me that these guys are smart, but it's possible to be smart and have no taste. You need guys with taste.

[chill chic]

yah...about the emails...I'll give you a lil synopsis of what we emailed back and forth. and at one point I had to ask him a question...

 

and we emailed each other from seriously 11 am til 5 pm, while we were working, a total of 40 emails...yah obviously not working too hard!

 

anyway...there are some parts I'd like to share, and please give me your input

 

but the gist of the conversation was that I was trying to dodge his sexualness until I knew what our status was.

but it's still kinda unclear to me....so I bluntly asked him if he was seeing anyone else, either here or out of state since he travels sometimes. he said he's not. then I asked him if he's sleeping with anyone else or intends to, sorta trying to make him talk exclusively. then he said he's not having sex with anyone here nor there at this time. what's at this time mean?? so I replied back that I'd want the guy to be only sleeping with me if we got to that point, and I choose to do the same.

so that's what the convo was basically about, I kept standing up for myself, and letting him know how I stand about the issue, but I'm still kinda unclear of what it should be or shouldn't be with him.

 

any thoughts? this IS a good teaching lesson

[Touche]

Wow! You're still "unclear?" Wow...I have nothing else to say about this.

 

What do YOU think "at this time" means? Please don't tell me that you still don't get it. What the hell do you think he meant when he said "at this time?"

[chill chic]

Wow! You're still "unclear?" Wow...I have nothing else to say about this.

 

What do YOU think "at this time" means? Please don't tell me that you still don't get it. What the hell do you think he meant when he said "at this time?"

 

meaning....for a short while...use me until he finds someone better correct?

 

hmm...maybe I'll ask him that question.

[oppath]

CC, I would have said "nope, and I don't plan to sleep with anyone else. You are the only woman I want to sleep with. I want to see you; it's been a while. They're having some dj's playing and drinks to celebrate a new exhibit at the contemporary art musuem Thursday night, want to come with me?"

 

You were giving him PLENTY of hints what you want, and he was telling you what he wanted. This guy is not headed towards BF status. Drop him. If you contact him at all, simply say "I've been thinking, and it doesn't seem that we are looking for the same things, so I think it's best not to see each other." Certainly, you don't owe him an explanation, I'm just saying if you can't stop contacting him, then be direct: you are looking for a relationship, and you feel like he is not that guy, so you want to move on and look elsewhere.

 

You will find a good guy. Good for you for standing up for yourself. It will pay off.

[chill chic]

CC, I would have said "nope, and I don't plan to sleep with anyone else. You are the only woman I want to sleep with. I want to see you; it's been a while. They're having some dj's playing and drinks to celebrate a new exhibit at the contemporary art musuem Thursday night, want to come with me?"

 

You were giving him PLENTY of hints what you want, and he was telling you what he wanted. This guy is not headed towards BF status. Drop him. If you contact him at all, simply say "I've been thinking, and it doesn't seem that we are looking for the same things, so I think it's best not to see each other." Certainly, you don't owe him an explanation, I'm just saying if you can't stop contacting him, then be direct: you are looking for a relationship, and you feel like he is not that guy, so you want to move on and look elsewhere.

 

You will find a good guy. Good for you for standing up for yourself. It will pay off.

 

that was sweet that you wrote and explained that to me, of how a sincere guy would respond to that.

 

well since I'm slightly impulsive with my emotions...I just wrote him this note, tell me if it was ok.

 

"hmmm....I didn't realize before that you said "at this time" ...to be honest...I'm not sure what you exactly meant by that or what your intentions are...but I'm looking for something real and meaningful."

 

now if it's not or I need to add something, there is an option to erase the "sent" emails before he reads them.

[lino]

If that guy screwed you over like that, why do you still talk to him or take any interest in him whatsoever? Didn't you say you wanna get over him? He has a weird way of doing it but it looks to me like he's just keeping you as a back up. Do you really wanna be considered just an option to him?

By the sounds of things you have no trouble meeting new guys and you sound like a very nice & reasonable girl, so I can't see the point in wasting your time on him. If I was you I wouldn't contact him in anyway, I think there's heaps better things you could be doing

[stillafool]

You've got to ask yourself why you pursue these type of guys. Forget emailing him anymore it is clear to me he only wants you for one thing. He's horny now and wants to do it with you again. If I were you I wouldn't even talk about sex with him again. The "not at this time" thing is so clear to me that he meant not at this moment but I have plenty others that I will see. Don't let him use you anymore!

[Kamille]

40 e-mails in one day? I get the impression you might think this is something good - when in fact all it does is show that you are WAYYYY too available for this guy.

 

I can tell that you are really viewing this as a learning experience... And you do want to learn. And it's almost like you answered back and forth like that because you wanted to see what would happen, and you enjoyed stating what you were looking for (congrats!) more then anything.

 

But e-mailing 40 times a day is something you do with a really close friends, not a guy you are dating.

 

Here is why you should always wait at least 24 hours before answering an e-mail where the stakes mean a lot to you: 1) it gives you time to think about it. 2) doing other things before answering gives you time to put things into perspective 3) it shows you have a life and lets him know he will have to work to convince you to be his girlfriend. (Yes, he has to convince you and not the opposite).

 

I mean, we all know that this is a guy who waited about TWO WEEKS before getting in touch with you after sleeping with you, and this as an answer to a group invite you sent. He can wait a bit before you answer his e-mails.

 

But CC, for some reason you are still hoping this guy will materialize into a boyfriend when he never ever gave you any indication that he was interested in a relationship past, present or future. LISTEN to him. He means it. This guy will not be your boyfriend.

 

I think you believe people fall in love in spite of themselves. The truth is most people actually do so when they are ready to be in a relationship.

So nothing you can do or say or play will make this guy relationship material. Repeat it to yourself: this guy is not relationship material.

 

STOP contacting him, STOP trying to analyze what he is saying an doing. You told each other you two weren't looking for the same thing. Be proud of standing up for yourself and now act accordingly. Move on.

 

When a real good guy is interested in being in a relationship he lets you know about it through his actions. There isn't much analysing to do.