help2342 Posted March 27, 2003 Share Posted March 27, 2003 My girlfriend just got back from Cancun last Friday with another girlfriend of hers. Naturally they hung out with guys the whole time and according to her she did nothing except chat and be friendly. I believe her because she doesn't drink and I trust she would be faithful. Many things have come up that have hurt though. She now has all of these guy friends. She is emailing one of the friends she came away with. Yesterday, I came across her first email to him. She had printed it and I found it in her bag (why it was printed and readily in sight, I don't know). It talked about how much they had in common. How she wishes she was there to comfort him with his bad sunburn when he got home. How she wishes she could have seen a sunset with him when he was home(apparently he talked about a sunset). How she thought of him while she was eating ice-cream back home(with me mind you), apparently they share the their favorite ice cream. How she thought he was a great guy. How "incredible" it was that they got along so well in such a short time. How she's been thinking about it a lot since she's been back. And how confusing it was that in such a short time she would be feeling the way she does. The email was quite long but the other parts of the email were just filler that involved how the trip home went, talked about music, etc. What's odd is that she really likes me to the point that she wants to marry me. She talks about it quite a bit. We had a talk when she got back and she said how much she missed me, etc. And even because the whole trip troubled me she re-confirmed how much she likes which is more then any guy she has ever met and how no one even compares to me. Anyway, I don't know anything about this guy, other then that he lives out east and he's emailed her once(she told me). So that's it. I want to confront how much she wants our relationship and who this guy is. Anyone have any suggestions how to go about this? Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted March 27, 2003 Share Posted March 27, 2003 why were you going through her bag??! Do you normally snoop? If that's the case, maybe she was trying to teach you a lesson to not do that kind of stuff, I'd plant a letter there to "cure" my guy ... my first thought was that maybe she just really enjoyed meeting a new friend, and wanted to let him know that. But if she's thinking about him while she's with you, it sounds like she's having second thoughts about what she's missing while being in a committed relationship, no matter how much she convinces herself she wants to be married. Something like cold feet. Any which way, it's apparent that this is going to bug you until you approach the subject with her. Of course, that means confessing that you were in her bag and found the letter, and she probably won't think very kindly of you for being nosy ... Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted March 27, 2003 Share Posted March 27, 2003 What's odd is that she really likes me to the point that she wants to marry me. She talks about it quite a bit. We had a talk when she got back and she said how much she missed me, etc. And even because the whole trip troubled me she re-confirmed how much she likes which is more then any guy she has ever met and how no one even compares to me. One does not like someone to the point of marrying them. It doesn't sound like you two have a real commitment or are really in love with each other. Snooping aside, you need to talk to her about this. Maybe you two are rushing your relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted March 27, 2003 Share Posted March 27, 2003 I don't think it's right to confront somebody about something of theirs that was found in their private space, unless it involves murder or the highest magnitude of national security. Judge her on how she treats you and the romantic ways she talks and otherwise communicates with you. She has a right to her privacy and should not be confronted unless you sense there's something wrong. A lot of people write crap they don't mean...and she can do that if she wants to. Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted March 27, 2003 Share Posted March 27, 2003 [color=indigo] True, people write crap that they don't mean, but what if she meant it? Help2342, I would be concerned with what you found. I think it's time you owned up to snooping in her purse and question what you found. If you don't, then you'll always be wondering if your girl is seriously interested in this other guy. How long have you guys been together? How do you feel about your girlfriend? Do you love her? If you are serious about this relationship then I wouldn't let something like this go. If she is serious about her first e-mail to this guy, then you have to ask yourself about the level of committment the both of you share because that is inappropriate behavior for two people who are talking about getting married. Nip it in the bud now, so it doesn't cause you more pain and heartache in the future. It's better to know where you stand. [/color] Link to post Share on other sites
ThisGirlNameKD Posted March 28, 2003 Share Posted March 28, 2003 I agree with Leikela. I do think you should confront your girlfriend about the letter you found and let her know exactly what you've read. I do believe in relationships there's a need for privacy, however, if she has nothing to hide she should not be all that upset. You've read some things that concern you and how she feels about this guy and you want to know answers about it. Though I do believe that sometimes in relationships, partners may find themselves attracted to other people. As long as they don't act on those feelings (which includes not letting the person you have those feelings for know you have those feelings), and make that decision to remain committed to you that's great. But if she's actually telling this guy how she feels in the terms that she has, that something you need to address. Link to post Share on other sites
Reckless Posted March 28, 2003 Share Posted March 28, 2003 What 'confuses' the issue here is how you found this letter - in the end, I think the letter itself is a bit of a red herring, leave that alone (she will not take kindly to the lack of trust and respect that going through her things implies)and talk about the real issues behind the whole episode * Trust - Have you, even before this been feeling shaky? Tell, her. Do you not really like her having same sex friends? Discuss it. Do separate holidays deep down, bug you? Cough up, be honest. * Commitment - sounds like she might not be ready to 'forsake all others' just yet. It's not a crime, but going forward when you need more time is a sure fired recipe for 'cold feet soup' later. So discuss if you both need a little more time to be 'sure' about the marriage thing. * Compatibility - she seems amazed that she feels a connection with this holiday guy. Can you talk about how she's feeling about YOUR relationship at the moment? Does she feel that 'connection'? are you both comfortable in the relationship or looking for more? Is one or the other taking things for granted? * Exclusivity - in a marriage you don't go deaf, dumb and blind, how will you both deal with being emotionally or sexually attracted to others (yep, it happens). Can you guys talk about these things without hurting each other? In the end, try and remember, he's just a holiday guy, an email buddy, a 'could have' guy. Yes, these things can certainly grow into more but you don't have to get all bent out of shape about your girlfriend noticing other men, you don't know, they may have talked on the phone right after and she could have told him, that if she were available she'd give him a try but she's madly in love with her guy and cannot ever entertain such a thing. Either way, you can only deal with the relationship she has with you so, talk about what's bothering you, it's not the letter so much as the chance that she might be doubting her feelings for you and entertaining the possibility of looking elsewhere. Can you deal with this without saying "AND I was snooping through your hand bag when you were out because I thought you were a two timing trollop and LOOK what I found, xeroxed and have in my hand..." Anyway, she might bring up the email herself but even if she doesn't talk things over (nice) and see how that goes - after all you're more than just a holiday 'coulda/woulda/shoulda' guy, you're the main attraction. Link to post Share on other sites
help2342 Posted March 28, 2003 Share Posted March 28, 2003 This is a continuation of the Cancun Help thread... I confronted her this morning 15 minutes before her work...I got something from her bag for her. Needless to say we didn't have much time to chat. I expressed how I felt deceived and that was about it. She told me she didn't want to be with this guy and was going to tell me. She just didn't know why she wanted to email him back. Then she tried to get all huggy. That was about it. We're chatting when she gets done with work in 3 hours. So I need responces asap. So now what... Should we wait before we talk? I'd really like some good input here on a healthy way to deal with this. I want to be with this girl. I want to trust her. Funny though, this has happened in her previous relationships. She's never done anything physical but has played along another guy all the time(I caught it at the very beginning). The boyfriends in the past stayed with her till she broke it off. I'm not going to be that guy. So what do I say? What questions do I ask? What action should I take? What affection do I show? Suggestions... p.s. Let me just say another thing that the whole marriage thing is not that serious. We have very strong feelings for each other and that's about it. Love is(was now) in the air but just not said to each other. pps I really want to email the other guy(the predator) this: Hey guy, Lay off my girlfriend. I'll email you when she is available. Here's some email addresses of some girls that are available. Give some respect to our relationship. - What do you think? More harm then good if I do? Link to post Share on other sites
help2342 Posted March 28, 2003 Share Posted March 28, 2003 More background. We've been dating for 6 months... Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted March 28, 2003 Share Posted March 28, 2003 it's going to have to be HER decision to stop contact with the other guy, not yours. And if you know she's got a history of doing this while she previously dated, then you probably should expect it to happen with you. Maybe she likes the thrill of an "illicit" relationship? Maybe she likes the chase? Maybe she's insecure? Maybe she's testing you to see if you'll put up with this kind of nonsense? Whatever it is, you need to ask her about it and tell her what it means to y'alls relationship. I hope the strong feelings you talk about also include trust, because it's going to be a very big issue when the two of you talk in a couple of hours. Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted March 28, 2003 Share Posted March 28, 2003 [color=indigo] I think you are over thinking this a little too much. Take a deep breath. First of all, e-mailing this other guy would NOT be a good idea. That's her business and you should stay out of it. That will only proceed to piss her off beyond belief. It sounds to me like she isn't sure of what she wants. The fact that she has a history of this kind of behavior should raise a red flag to you. Just ask her to be upfront and honest with you. I don't like the idea that she "doesn't know" why she wanted to email this guy back. Plain and simple, this behavior does not exhibit someone who is 100% committed to her man. She obviously isn't ready. Take it for what it is and YOU make the decision on whether you want to stay with her. Don't depend on what she says to you. Actions speak louder then words. [/color] Link to post Share on other sites
help2342 Posted March 29, 2003 Share Posted March 29, 2003 Well, we talked and she says that she had these feelings and it's been on her mind all week. Even though they were tiny feelings for this guy she was scared that it might mean something more and wanted to figure that out with the email(disrespectfully tagging me along, which she is sorry about). And she's decided they were nothing compared to what we have. She went to cancun not to meet anyone but to have a good time with her roommate. And this guy showed up that she had a good bond with for one night and she was worried that it meant more since it was such a random thing. She's determined it was just a crush. And I want to forgive her. But should I? My outlook is: She didn't do anything physical. It was only an email. We all are tested at some point. She wants me over him. She's doesn't go to the bar. She's not looking for anyone new. Overall she's a great girl. Am I blind or being dumb? Link to post Share on other sites
Amazon22 Posted March 29, 2003 Share Posted March 29, 2003 Just take things day by day. If you feel that what she said is legitimate then by all means carry on with the relationship. Don't analyze everything she says or does either. Just drop it for now and see where things are going between the two of you. If you have only been dating for 6 months then I am sure there is a lot you still have to learn about eachother...focus on that for now! -Haley Link to post Share on other sites
help2342 Posted March 31, 2003 Share Posted March 31, 2003 I'd also like to hear peoples comments on how temptation/attraction is delt with(in a healthy way) when in a relationship. How normal it is, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted April 1, 2003 Share Posted April 1, 2003 I would say that temptation is all in the head. If you are truly into someone, temptation isn't an issue, in my opinion. If someone is being tempted the following would happen: You'd think about how much you care about the person. If the temptation is still greater, your answer is to break up with your S.O. or get some serious relationship therapy. Link to post Share on other sites
Kidd Seuss Posted April 2, 2003 Share Posted April 2, 2003 [color=darkred]One thing you have to remember is, most of the time, men and women have different thought processes. Women have no problem hugging each other or giving each other a kiss on the cheek in public whereas guys tend to be more masculine and shake hands are do the manly "I'm gonna squeeze the air out of you" hug. From what you've explained, it just sounds like she met a friend, she hung out with him and they talked. She's just referring to situations that happened there and there's probably no bigger problem at hand. Just a girl being like a girl is to a guy friend. Now watch this... you are gonna feel really silly when he comes to visit and he's more interested in you than her. heheh Drew [/color] Link to post Share on other sites
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