ex gf

[ClearFocus]

Hi , Hope everyone is doing ok or thereabouts.

 

I've posted a couple times on this site, not recently though as I felt I was doing ok but still always read the posts as believe me I can relate to a lot of the pain on these boards.

 

My dilemna is this, 4 months ago my ex gf broke up with me, I was absolutly devestated.. I tried everything to get her back from letters, calls, texts.. literally to the point of begging (big regret) all to no avail. This went on and on with her been hot and cold towards me telling me she wanted to be friends then openly been cold when I tried to talk to her!

 

After discovering this site, I started employing methods of 'recovery' i.e a few bouts of NC mixed with a couple self help/break up books and I was on my way.. or so I thought.

 

A few weeks back I thought I was over the worse and we started talking and I honestly thought I could manage the whole 'friends' thing but I kinda broke and said I wanted her back.. All my hard work undone.. square one - Hello!

So i enforced NC and I was doing so well but she texted a few times over the course of a few weeks then made a call then somehow we got talking again, although I was bein very stand offish.. anyway, long story short, she has started giving me signs and hints that she wants me back. I have tried not to read into it too much but I know she misses me and I definetly miss her but I cant risk letting her kno how I feel cuz it will give her the upper hand again and I'll be back picking up the pieces again.

 

Thanks if you've read this far Anyway what I need advice on is, should I risk it and tell her AGAIN how I feel or is this what she wants so she can feel in control or is it maybe possible she does wanna reconcile?

 

I feel so weak right now, I just wanna feel love again and share closeness with someone who feels the same. I had 2 'flings' during the time we have been broke up but I felt nothing for both girls although they were really nice looks/personality wise.

 

Any advice or response would be warmly appreciated.

 

Thanks

[Alexandra-Girl]

Personally,

 

I must quote you... "ex gf broke up with me". This says a lot. You attempted to reconcile and "to no avail". You have tried the 'friends' thing and it is difficult for you.

 

You still feel emotional towards this woman - who does not appear to be at your same level of emotion.

 

I would suggest that you remain stand-offish and in NON-EMOTIONAL Contact with her. (i.e. email once every 3 weeks, short blurb, alusive details - no more, no less) If she wants to be WITH you AND on the same emotional level as you, she will start to frequently contact you (initiate without flaking) to set something up face-to-face: not just txt, email, IM.

 

Additional note: My friend, you should heal from the heartbreak before you could even consider reconciling. Even this step takes a new and improved individual and you aren't quite there yet. Give it sometime, what you are feeling is normal.

 

Good luck.

Alex

[livebuzzwords]

Make sure you have done all your homework regarding things you missed in the past - make sure you know that these things cannot be dismissed because she broke up with you - so you have to prove you have healed, moved on, got your confidence back, and a zillion other things...

 

then you will have to understand that.....

 

In order for a woman to commit to a serious relationship, or even think about dating a man, a woman requires two conditions (in order of importance) simultaneously: [1] A natural attraction and chemistry between her and said individual. [2] A man who's sensitive to a woman's emotional needs.

 

What is an emotional need? It is a craving that, when satisfied, leaves you with a feeling of happiness and contentment, and, when unsatisfied, leaves you with a feeling of unhappiness and frustration. Emotional needs as being most important to them (admiration, affection, conversation, domestic support, family commitment, financial support, honesty and openness, physical attractiveness, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment).

 

Esteem needs include having self-worth, self-approval, job satisfaction, and personal achievements. Social needs include the need for social acceptance, prestige, and access to certain people, events, or resources.

 

Additionally, most people also need a sense of community belonging to serve, to validate your feelings, attitudes, and reality. There are Spiritual Needs, Safety Needs, Security Needs, Attention Needss, Sense of autonomy and control, Being emotionally connected to others, Feeling part of a wider community, Friendship, intimacy, Privacy, Sense of status, Sense of competence and achievement and Having meaning and purpose.

Life is never 100 per cent perfect, but as long as our main essential needs are being met, and our resources are being used well, we do not suffer mental health problems. However, if just one of these needs is unmet, or our resources are being misused, it can affect our mental health and well being.

 

The key to getting off the dating merry-go-round often requires nothing more than taking time to get to know yourself before you try to get to know someone else.

 

Here are five ways to help you do just that:

1. Define your core values.

2. Understand your emotional needs.

3. Identify your love pattern.

4. Test drive a potential relationship.

5. Once dating, go in for a three-month checkup.

 

Good Luck

[Alexandra-Girl]

I have to CORDIALLY disagree with LiveBuzzWords on this one point in particular: "Esteem needs include having self-worth, self-approval, job satisfaction, and personal achievements. Social needs include the need for social acceptance, prestige, and access to certain people, events, or resources."

 

This is a male view, not a female view of self-worth. Women often find self-worth in maintaing fulfilling relationships. We give and give at the expense of ourselves quite often. This is a cause of relationships breaks because the women has felt that she has given TOO much, thus we feel undervalued. Our self-worth then takes a hit. Where as prestige, access to certain people, events, and job satisfaction have little do with a nurting of relationships. This is more curcial to fulfill for men, than it is to women. Men see prestige etc as offering to his partner. If a man does not accomplish these above characteristics, he feels he can't 'offer' anything. Therefore, we have the 'out of league' syndrome surface. On the other hand, a women knows she can 'offer' things when she feels that her opinions and suggestions matter. This is why women chat amongst eachother in groups and share quite personal details.

 

Now this isn't a steadfast rule, but I would say 80% of women would agree.

 

Hope this helps,

Alex.

[ClearFocus]

Thanks both of you for your replies.. I have taken so much from what you have said. I know that I need to do tons more healing before I can even think about reconciling, I spose I was subconsciously trying to 'skip' that part of the process.

 

Once again thanks SO much for your advice on this matter

[livebuzzwords]

Thanks for the addition A-G, I agree with you comments and would like to add that self worth is so important. To tear down a persons self-worth is one of the cruelest ways to treat a human being. It is a humiliating experience.

 

Many women feel that they have no self-worth because:

 

someone took it from them

a void some fill by over eating

their partner breached a trust

their partner fell into the grips of the world of pornography

their partner demeans them with insults about how they look

their partner continuously admired other women

they grew up being ridiculed by a family member

they suffer from a controlling illness

they bullied and criticized through their school years

they sexually abused as a child

they laughed at in a moment of vulnerability

they may have been raped

 

The struggle is to bring back the person that talked all the time. Bring back the person that was meant to be. Bring back yourself, and then you will have your self-worth back. Then things are on equal footing.

 

Best of luck with your new R