I need advice

[michelle]

Hello,

I am a 23 year old female. Who is engaged to a man that is 4 years my senior. Our relation ship is great in all aspects except here lately he seems distant and realy not all that interested in even having any thing to do with me sexually or even just holding me or talking to me. When we go to bed he faces away from me and goes to sleep. If I ask him what is wrong he says there is nothing wrong but seems irritated because i asked. He even seems kind of irritated when I let him know that I need more from him than what he is giving me.

 

I realy don't know what could be wrong we are not fighting about anything. And most men would say that he is the luckiest man on earth. If he needs something I make sure he gets it , if he wants something i try to get it for him. I let him know all the time that I love him and how much. He never has to realy do anything around our home because I have it done before he gets home from work. I am a very independent woman who can do most things on her own , I can not give my self the passion or companionship that his is supposed to give me. I know he loves me and wants me to be the only woman in his life that is something he does let me know by calling me from work when he can and always telling me but where is the intimacy that I crave so badly that I realy feel I need. I don't ask much even if it is as little as holding me when we go to bed thats all I ask of him is that too much? If not then what can I do to get the intimacy from him that I crave?

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "If he needs something I make sure he gets it , if he wants something i try to get it for him. I let him know all the time that I love him and how much. He never has to realy do anything around our home because I have it done before he gets home from work."

 

Hey, babe...there is almost NOTHING less sexy or attractive than a woman who kisses a man's butt. This guy is wanting some challenge...something interesting....something unpredictable....something different. You provide him with absolutely NO electricity whatsoever. I'm surprised he even sleeps in the same bed.

 

OK, let me give you a few brief pointers from MEN 101.

 

First, not just men but people in general tend to want a challenge. They like what they can't have. Even though you're in a close relationship, you're being way way way way way way way too nice. Yes, I know...you're just a nice person...and that's really nice. But being that way is NOT going to work for you with this guy.

 

Be unpredictable. Insist he prepare meals or take you to eat sometimes. Let him do chores fifty percent of the time. Get out of his face. STOP doing everything for him.

 

You need to ask yourself why you're doing this. It can't be because you're 100 percent nice. Are you afraid that if you don't kiss his ass he'll leave you. Well, the opposite is true. You're going to absolutely bore him to death.

 

Second, don't be so predictable. Go out with friends. Don't be home when he gets there all the time. Go out and get a life of your own. You say you're independent so be what you say.

 

The ONLY way you're going to get some electricity going again in this relationship is to blow his mind away with some fireworks...some sensational change in yourself.

 

STOP being so fricken nice and accomodating. You can be nice and accomodating but you don't need to go so overboard. In psychological experiments, the best results are achieved with laboratory rats by intermittend reinforcement....NOT constant reinforcement. So you've got to change your being so fricken sweetsy sweetsy and balance the act a little bit. Be a bitch once in a while. He will be so damned happy he'll screw your brains out all night. I can't begin to tell you how psyched up he will be when he sees you're actually a woman and NOT an sweet giving kind loving warm cuddly angel from heaven. No man wants to have sex with one of God's little Angels.

 

Go ask some of your girlfriends how you can attain this balance. The same thing applies to men. Most women can't stand a guy who kisses their butt and jumps to give them their every wish. It's sickening to them. They go around and make fun of them to their girlfriends. They take advantage of them and spit them out when they've gotten everything they want.

 

YOU have created this situation for yourself by being too nice. Now you've got to undo that a little bit.

 

Now, you're going to have to change a little slowly. Any abrupt changes will be a signal to him that you are making a concerted effort to do something. You want to break your new self in slowly. And, yes, of course, there will be lots of people who say this is game playing, an act, real phoney and all that stuff. I ask you....do you want to keep this guy or don't you.

 

If you want to keep him around, start changing your ways a little bit. I am telling you there is NOTHING exciting about a sweet, predictable, nice, totally accomodating woman. I know all that will get you to heaven but it won't get you laid. And for many sex is heaven.

 

Now, don't believe me if you don't want to. Ask around. Check this out with other people. Use a good Internet search engine like http://www.google.com and enter terms like "being too nice" , "being a challenge", "nice people'....just keep going until you hit on the gold. Hold on a minute and let me see if I can find you an example...don't leave.

 

Well, I found an essay about how nice guys finish last. It's at: http://www.angelfire.com/vt2/g_hols/Niceguy Just turn it around and read it as nice girls finish last. That's not totally true but read the material you find on the Internet in the context of what I have written above.

 

You gotta get yourself on track here or you will lose all the days of your life. You are 90 percent of the girl every man dreams of. But the other ten percent needs to be: light to moderate bitch, unpredictabiltiy, aloofness, etc.

 

I hate to have to be the one who told you all of this. But once you stop kissing this guy's ass, you won't be able to get him out of the bedroom.

 

And start making him seduce you. Make him get on the floor and beg. Yes, beg!!! That will drive him out of his mind. There is nothing less desirable than a woman taking off her clothes, getting on top of the bed and saying..."Dear, I'm ready when your weenie is." Yuk, that's such a turn off.

 

You are such a nice person and I hope I've made this so you can understand it. You deserve all the happiness in the world...but you've got to know how to drive your man wild out of his mind....and you aren't doing it by kissing his ass....eeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!

[Pookette]

Michelle:

 

Tony is absolutely correct. Not only will this man take you for granted, but he's sucking the backbone right out of you. I've been there, and there's nothing worse than feeling like Cinderella (pre Prince Charming or whatever). I also know what the feeling is like when you're afraid to do something wrong and he'll leave you.

 

But YOU need to be happy, not bending over backwards for this guy. Go out with friends, go for a walk, take up yoga, join a karate class or something. Flirt with him.

 

Something cheesy that I do for my husband is this: there's a website out there called http://www.newsoftheweird.com I go there and find a bit of racy or just plain weird information and spring it on him. That usually sparks a long and VERY interesting conversation. What I'm trying to get at is still do things for him, but don't be a doormat while you're doing them. Make him change his perspective about you.

 

Be unpredictable, as Tony says. Bake him a pie, then meet him at the door in a Catholic schoolgirl outfit. This one has been personally tested and works very well.

 

Anyway, good luck there. Hope everything goes well for you.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

I have 2 questions for you: How long have you two been together, and what was your sex life like in the beginning of your relationship? Believe it or not, some people do get to a point in a relationship where they don't need or don't want as much sex as they had in the beginning. In my psychology class we talk about love goes through many phases. Two phases are passionate love and companionated love. Passionate love is that really intense feeling where you feel you must be in each other's company, hugging and kissing and loving each other every minute of the day, on the hour every hour, 24/7, and having sex until you can't get enough!! Companionated love is when the passionate aspect of a love kind of winds down, wanes or fades away. But at that point, the love is stronger than at the beginning. It's that "settle" feeling. Because passion eventually fades in a relationship, people mistakently thinks that it's actually love that's fading, when in fact the love is going through a transition phase.

 

This could be the case with your boyfriend. Perhaps the both of you have been together for awhile, you've had a great sex life in the beginning, and now your fiance's going through the transition phase, while you're still in the passionate phase. Maybe he doesn't want or doesn't need as much sex as you do now. Another thing about men is that they're not really into the hugging and holding, "just cuddle me" thing. Men sometimes think they can't do those things without engaging in sex. They equate that with sex. And sometimes they have to be taught that there's a difference.

[Ally Boo]

I see a potential problem in my current relationship. I am super nice to him, like we never fight. He's super nice to me. I guess you could say we kiss each OTHER'S ass.

 

He does pick at me to get different reactions out of me. But...we never are anything but sweet and lovey to each other. Now, I think it would be fun to spice this up. BC I would consider it a type of flirting. I just don't know how or what to do. Or even if it's something I SHOULD do...I mean things are fine...for now.

 

This is definately someone I want a future with, that's why I replied. Would you say my situation could use some spice too BEFORE it gets old?

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "Would you say my situation could use some spice too BEFORE it gets old?

 

There is no way to predict the future. However, as in everything else in life, there are exceptions. Some people who are extremely mature, evolved, balanced, etc., would have no problem in a loving, sweet, constantly giving and taking relationship for a lifetime...particularly if it's two way.

 

You will note from the original post, the female is doing all the work and her partner is a lazy a**h*** who has grown to take her for granted and show no gratitude for what she does...even in the sack.

 

I think most people, no matter what head space they are in, will appreciate some unpredictability here and there. It will be up to you to carry on as you see fit.

 

Relationships are work anyway you look at them and the dynamics are always different and constantly changing. People don't stay the same, feelings don't stay the same...sometimes from one moment to the next. People are chemically driven...that's what makes it so hard sometimes. If you're with somebody whose chemistry is pretty stable, hot dog!!!

 

I think, bottom line, if a person is happy with themselves they're going to be happy with the one they love regardless. Happy people normally attract happy, stable people. People who are fulfilled and happy with themselves aren't desperate to go out and find someone to complete them...and therefore make fewer mistakes picking someone who is compatible.

[michelle]

I would like to thank you all who have responded thus far. Especially you Tony I have started taking your advice. Last night I fixed supper just like I always do I even made his plate but I pretended like I forgot his drink so he had to make that him self. Then I took a bath instead of a shower and went to bed early. Which I never do we usually go to bed at the same time. And this morning I dressed in the type of clothes I would wear if I were single again. That alone got a reaction out of him because he gets jealous very easily. That is the whole reason I stopped dressing this way. And I have made plans this weekend with one of my girlfriends. I hope this isn't to much to fast but I know that if I don't start doing these things I will back out of it. And then all of the help you have all given me would be wasted on deaf ears and it is all advice I know I needed because I do feel like he is taking advantage of me for who I am and not appreciating me the way he should. So thank you all for your help and any other advice would be more than welcome.

[Leikela]

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I have always found the debate on "nice guys always finish last" an interesting one. Here is a pretty interesting article on the whole thing.

 

http://www.askmen.com/dating/curtsmith/getiton15.html

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[Girl]

Errrrrrr maybe he's getting his needs met with another woman. Just a suggestion..... the symptoms are there..... he's distant, doesn't want anything to do with you sexually, doesn't want to hold or even talk to you, gets irritated (guilt perhaps) when you point out to him something's wrong, gets irritated when you communicate to him you need intimacy.

 

You think of yourself as independant but I don't see that from what you've written.... independant people just don't have the time or inclination to meet someone else's needs to the degree you do, lover or no lover.

 

Good luck!

[Girl]

"I know he loves me and wants me to be the only woman in his life that is something he does let me know by calling me from work when he can and always telling me"

 

Why would someone who is engaged feel the need to call you from work when he can and "always tell you he wants you to be the only woman in his life"??. If you WERE the only woman in his life there's just no way he would need to constantly keep reassuring you you are!. Food for thought!.

[michelle]

girl,

You know I would not put that past him cheating on me that is but there is just one problem with that theory I know his every move. If he is at work I know it and if he his is not he is at home. So that leaves that theory out. How do I know, you ask? Well we live on the ranch he works on and the shop is right across the road from our house so I see his pickup when he is at work. And when he is off I know because we live together and we are together when he gets off. Thanks for the suggestion though.

[Tony T]

If your guy works and lives in the same small area, for Pete's sake he needs space when he's off work. The more you plan to be away and do your own thing, the more he will be driven back into the relationship. Don't crowd him and don't kiss his butt. It sounds like you're starting off real good with what you have planned.