Please help me!

[sunnyd100]

Hi everyone,

 

I am new here. I write this post becuase I am not sure what to do, and I was hoping that some of you nice people could help me out.

 

To start, I have been with my girlfriend for almost 4 years now. I love her. I am 24, and she is 22. We have your typical relationship of ups and downs, but things have been pretty good up to now. Unfortunately, it seems like my girlfriend is starting to have some doubts about our relationship.

 

My girlfriend told me recently that "the butterflys are gone." I take this to mean that the physical feeling she used to get in her stomach when we saw each other is gone. This worries her. I think that before, this is how she knew for sure that she loved me. She had a physical feeling that confirmed her mental feelings. I will admit, that for me, the butterflies left a long time ago. I never had a real problem with it. I figured that it was part of a normal relationship. So basically, she says that she isn't 100% sure if she loves me anymore because those feelings havent been there lately. She says that she THINKS that she loves me, she just isn't 100% sure. Also, she used to talk to me about marriage and engagement. Nowadays, I assume because of the issues she is going through, she says she isn't willing to look that far into the future.

 

Our sex life has also stalled to some extent. We used to have sex several times a week, and now it is down to around 1 time a week. Even then, I don't think that she is always in to it. She is a real stress case, so I think that may have something to do with it, but I feel that I should include that info for the sake of completeness. She says that it isn't just me. That lately, she hasn't been getting turned on in general. Aside from a few days ago, she hadn't masturbated in several months. (Sorry for giving way too much info there.)

 

She is leaving for medical school in a few months. She will be moving across the country. We had previously agreed that I would move out there with her after a year. The other day, I mentioned that maybe I would move over there after 6 months, and she was less than thrilled. She said that she kinda felt that she needed the year to be alone (not without a boyfriend, but just on her own) and to grow. After all, she is only 22, and her parents have always been pretty stifling.

 

I love this girl very much, and I can see myself being with her the rest of my life. A few weeks ago, she would have told you the same thing, but right now, she is having doubts. We are comitted to trying to work this thing out (I think) but I would be lying if I didn't say that I was pretty scared about the whole thing. I have had doubts about our relationship in the past, and I have also had to deal with things like the inevitable loss of passion in a relationship, asking myself "how do I know that I REALLY love my girlfriend" etc. I usually just gritted my teeth and got through it. However, I also did those things awhile ago. Perhaps she is lucky, and she got to go through the "honeymoon phase" of our relationship for 4 years, and I only got 1.5 years or so. Or perhaps this is truly the beginning of the end. I can't tell.

 

I guess what I want to know is what do you guys think is going on here? Is this normal at some point in a relationship?

 

I also want to know what you guys think I should do. I admittedly have not been handling this situation the best way. I have gotten pretty freaked out about it, and I bring it up alot. I am a bit obsessive, so these days I am asking her alot how she is feeling, if she wants to be with me, if she has figured things out etc. Should I just quietly support her? Should I withdraw a bit? I am scared that if I tell her too much about how I feel, that it is going to drive her away. The last thing I need to do is tell her how much I love her and how I want to be with her forever, when she is having a hard time figuring those things out. It is really strange because a few weeks ago, she would have said the same things about me (that she wanted to be with me forever, get married, have kids), but something is different right now.

 

I just need some perspective from somebody here, because I probably don't have any myself. Thanks in advance, and PLEASE help.

 

Dennis

[Dragonflys]

I think you have the same problem as her, just in the reverse. What you are talking about is no way normal in a healthy relationship.

 

I am a bit obsessive, so these days I am asking her alot how she is feeling, if she wants to be with me, if she has figured things out etc.

 

This quote from you worries me. Asking how a woman feels all the time will turn her off. Desire for you is not a simple decision or a 'choice', much like many other aspects of life can be controlled by. Feelings or 'butterflies' are a result of sexual attraction, and sexual attraction tends to require that sense of mystery and unpredictability that Tony so eloquently describes. The sexual attraction that was there initially was likely due to the 'newness' of the relationship, now things are more drab and you need to create a new 'newness' to get her back.

 

It sounds from your post that you are a prudent and careful person..just from the way you write. I would 'wild up' a little, and give this woman space to think. You need to try and divert your attention away from how she responds too, no matter how hard that is. If she changes it will just happen, but not on your terms.

 

Oliver

[Tony T]

This girl is fixing to get married...to medical school...for seven long, grueling, grinding years....and then a residency on top of that. That's where her mind is right now. Back off and give her some space.

 

She won't have minutes for you in the first year or two of school, especially if she goes during summers. She knows this. She's a smart cookie. She's also smart enought to know that the fireworks aren't going to last forever.

 

Your lady is very young too. She's not wanting a puppy dog up her butt, especially now. If you want to keep this lady in your life, you better back off and stop pressing the relationship crap. Don't even plan on moving to be with her at all. Tell her you just want to see how everything works out.

 

Over the next few years, this lady will change by leaps and bounds. She will see people die, she will cut up people who are already dead, she will see pain, suffering...and a lot of that will be her own late at night slaving over medical books. She will grow in directions you have never dreamed of.

 

Stay calm, let her have her space and be a good boyfriend. You will gain her greatest admiration and respect if you start following your own bliss in other directions of your choosing.

 

It could very well be that some years down the line, the two of you will have little in common. She will be filled with medical facts and interested in making hospital calls, seeing patients, etc. Where will you be? She'll be making more money than you....but she may be mature enough to not make that an issue. Who the hell knows?

 

Anyway, if you stay on her ass about this relationship she's going to tell you to kiss it. The greatest way you can show your love is to be supportive of her, her goals and wishes, and move on with doing your own thing. Yes, it could be painful, but if you really love this lady you'll do what I've told you. If you want to screw things up royally and end up in the trash, you'll keep acting and thinking like you've been doing.

[sunnyd100]

Keep the advice coming guys..

 

As for you Tony, thanks... I usually am not the puppy dog type, and I do understand the need to keep some mystery in the relationship. How do you think we got this far? I certainly haven't been my usual self the past few days though. When she sprung all this on me the first time, I paniced,and I guess I went to what comes natural, rather than what is the smart thing to do.

 

I don't know if I can totally give up moving to PA to be with her. However, I will stop talking about it for now, and will generally withdraw a bit. That is for the good of both of us. For me, I totally understand the need to keep things mysterious at the beginning of a relationship, it is when you are 3-4 years in, and you truly love the person that gives me a hard time.

 

I understand that she is going to change when she goes to medical school. I am all too aware of this. However, I can just stay here while she is across the country. She says she can handle being in a LTR with me for 4-7 years, but I don't think I can handle that. For me, I think it would be a shame to not go across the country to give our relationship a chance to continue. To me, things like what we have don't come around all that often, and I need to give it the best chance to work.

 

Again, I thank you for your advice, and I will heed a good deal of it. If anyone else feels differently, or even similarly, please feel free to give me some more advice!

 

Dennis