Ex-boyfriend still seeing me

[Baubles]

I posted under break-up shortly after Valentine's Day. I'm posting an update here under Second Chances, b/c this may or may not be what it means- but I would like any advice from anyone on how to foster this possible second chance.

 

I won't rehash my old post, other than to say my boyfriend of 7 months broke up w/ me on Valentine's day- I had left a message saying I was upset he hadn't said he loved me yet and was feeling down and not sure we should see each other that night. His reasons...b/c I had a history of being unpredicatable and wasn't sure he could marry me- not knowing if he could depend on me to be stable.

 

So...I took alot of advice from this board to heart, and it helped me move past and deal w/ the break-up. The first 2 weeks were tough- I cried all the time and called 2x a week. We saw each other one night after 2 weeks and had dinner and kissed, etc.

 

I was intent on just sitting back and seeing what happened- I couldn't bring myself to tell him to stay out of my life, yet I knew not to have false hopes right away. His parent came into town from out of the country- so we didn't see each other last weekend- but he called. BUT the 2 weekends before that we spent w/ each other. 6-7 hours a day. He takes me to dinners, ironic in that he always allowed me to chip in, (even though he makes $440,000 and I sure don't!) now he pays for all the meals,

we've seen a movie, went shopping for an anniversary gift for his mom, just like old times.

 

I had told him weeks ago that unless we were dating again, there would be no sex. He agreed. The last weekend I saw him I mentioned well, you are seeing each other in a way in that we are spending time together on weekends and that is "casually dating" and that people who casually date have sex, so I didn't see any real prob w/ sex. He just nodded, when prodded he said he was a guy so he had to agree. I didn't know...

 

Then he invited himself up to my place, he hung out like old times, played w/ my cat...eventually we started kissing, etc and I asked "how do you feel about me?" at which point he froze up and said he wasn't ready to discuss that yet or something along those lines. I brought up the casual thing, and he thought we were on the same page, but he said we could never be casual given what we had before....we then started to umm...have a moment of passion, we talked some more, then he decided to take a 2 hr nap at my place...afterwards we talked some more- and I made a comment how in over a month we hadn't had a single disagreement or moment of "unpredictability"- he agreed and said our time together since has been great but that he still "needed some space".

 

I haven't the faintest idea of this space thing...space to get over me, space to think, or if he even knows...or is doubting the break-up decision. Weirder, I asked for a don't ask-don't tell policy- that is, we don't ask or tell who we see so as not to jeopardize a future reconciliation. He had agreed. Everytime I see him he tells me he hasn't been seeing anyone/sleeping w/ anyone and he hopes I won't either for awhile- the last night, he point blank asked me.

 

Since his parents have been here- we haven't seen each other- but...they leave Sunday, so I'll see then. In the past he hasn't liked to discuss his love life w/ mother so that may be it and it may just be too weird to have me hanging out w/ them as I am the "ex" and he may not want to explain me.

 

Weird thing is...since Sat (we last saw each other the weekend before) he has been calling every day- I typically miss him cause I am out having a life and am busy...and he leaves these messages saying how he was just wanted to see what i was up to and he'll try me later (when his parents weren't here he would ask me to call back- I think he's trying to reach me first, simply b/c he doesn't want his parents involved in why he's talking to his ex- this is ok w/ me). So...today he called me at work...he was in b/t operating cases and just chit-chatted for about 5 mins and then got called in to go quickly (I NEVER call him). He didn't mention

when we'll see each other again and I never ask...I don't ask b/c I don't want to pressure and want him to do it on his own.

 

Oh, after the break-up I started seeing a therapist and have been taking Lexapro for a few wks- the meds may help as I do feel more energetic and less irritable (although, no doubt my ex had his own issues). My therapist is actually dumping me- he says he thinks after 3 more visits one every other week he thinks I'm good to go.

 

So...what I'm trying to say is I'm not waiting on whether I get back w/ him or not . I accepted the break-up and yes, I may have hope of getting back simply b/c I see some signs of hope from him- well, at least that he calls (and I don't) and wants to see me. If we don't get back together, well it wasn't meant to be.

 

I've learned to show more patience which sadly I never did while dating, and I would like the second chance to see whether it can work. Any advice on how to foster this possible opportunity for a second chance- in that he is still calling, seeing me, seeing no one else I assume (as he sees me on weekends- his only free time)?

 

I've never had a non-mutual break-up be this civil afterwards...I don't know what to read into this after 6 wks that he's still calling and seeing me- he doesn't even mention the break-up or that we're "broken up"- neither do I...

 

Is there any hope in this or pointless for me to read more into it?

 

Thanks!!

[Just A Girl2]

Hi there,

I still say that you're the one who's doing all of the work here....and all of the analyzing, changing, compromising. Why?

 

This "space thing", sounds to me like him just wanting to be in control.......he wants the perks of a relationship (hanging out together, going to movies, dinner, being with someone familiar) without having to have any of the commitment or "real" communication (eg...like how he feels about you).

 

He needs to p*ss or get off the pot. He's a big boy and if he can't figure out if he wants a real relationship with you, he should stop wasting your time and leading you on, so that you can get on with your life.

 

And bully for him, he's NOW paying for your dinners.....good God, I would expect that a guy who makes nearly a half million $ a year SHOULD pay for his g/f's freaking dinner. That's just common sense, IMO. Don't look at it as a bonus. It's not like your portion of dinner is going to break his bank acct.

 

Again, it sounds like YOU think all the problems you had, that lead to him dumping you, were ABOUT YOU. This sh*t about you being "unstable" and "unpredictable", etc. Is he perfect?? I somehow doubt it.

 

Now, about sex...if I were you, given the uncertainty and lack of commitment in this current arrangement, I would definitely advise you to HOLD OFF on any thoughts of sex with him. Why give him any more reason to keep things in limbo? If you give him sex, then he's going to have his cake and eat it too......he can have THAT perk of a relationship as well, without having to give you any kind of commitment. Screw that! Also, you have no idea whether he's sleeping with someone else, do you? Casual sex is nothing but putting oneself at risk for STDs and HIV.

 

Plus..what if you accidentally got pregnant? No form of birth control is 100% effective, even the pill isn't. Can you imagine how things would be if you got pregnant? If he can't even decide now whether he wants a relationship with you, imagine being pregnant and very likely having to go it alone and being a single mom?

 

Sorry, but he sounds like he's simply taking advantage of having someone comfortable and familiar to pass the time with...maybe until someone else comes along. His abrupt reaction to your question about what you mean to him was very telling, I'd say. Especially due to the fact that his reaction was shortly followed by the moment of passion.

 

Still doesn't sound at all like he's even remotely acknowledged how he's hurt YOU....that it's still all about him/and you needing to change for him. Is he that perfect?

 

Personally, for myself, I've always steered clear of docs and surgeons.....they usually have enormous egos, a "God complex" and a major inability to admit their own personal flaws and imperfections. Yuck.

[Baubles]

Thanks JustaGirl...one clarification, no chance of pregnancy- it doesn't get that far. I have maintained that. We would need to be committed again for him to get the whole package, so to say.

 

The only thing that has kept me from giving him the ultimatum was to let time show him how wrong he was...that our time together is good and he acknowledges that...but you're right he has to say he made a mistake- I think he needs time to see that and I'm willing to wait longer.

 

Soon I will sit him down and say that we either need to be in a relationship again or I need to completely move on. I hope to try for another month and then pose it. Honestly, I enjoy the time w/ him- sadly, things are even better b/t us than they were before.

 

I may be too hopeful. You're right I need to give the ultimatum- I'll pose it in a few wks- that should be plenty of "space".

 

Yes, I think your doctor generalization may be correct- the ego is not lacking...the insane demands for perfection in everything...inability to admit fault....yep...

[ThisGirlNameKD]

I don't understand what you mean by he was wrong. If you mean he was wrong for leaving you, I think he has some legitimate reasons. Not putting down your medical condition or talking you down in anyway, but it your mood was instable to the point where he couldn't deal with it, why do you feel that he was wrong? He did what he though he had to do.

 

The guy is telling you (although he's not showing you) that he needs space. You need to listen to what he says, because he's telling you he doesn't want a serious relationship with you right now. And that being the case, sex will only confuse things. As much as you say you're not waiting around on him you are very much still emotionally attach to him. So if he decides to walk away tomorrow, you will not be able to walk away from that unscathe. You're only fooling yourself if you think you will.

[Baubles]

I simply mean I think he made his decision too hasty- he was hurt and things had been going well. He claimed he was going to tell me he loved me that night- who knows- but instead broke it off.

 

These past 6 wks there has been no emotional instability w/ him- no arguments, nothing that we had worked through our misunderstandings during the break-up talks- if that was the basis for the break-up- then wouldn't he naturally fall back to me? Or could he just be giving it some time to see if we really have worked out the issues? In which case I'm fine w/ that. He had mentioned right after the break-up that even if things changed he wasn't sure he could get past the hurt. I guess I'm having some hope cause he does seem to be getting past the hope in that he does call and sees me.

 

He called last night and we chit-chatted and I ended the conversation after 10 minutes...cause I'm not sure what to do at this point. I am leaning towards weaning myself off contact and giving him a month to think alone or wanting to ask him to resume the relationship or go our seperate ways.

 

His actions haven't matched his words- I guess I've been relying more on actions...simply I rarely ask him about feelings to allow him to think- he doesn't say things like he we won't get back together etc...or even mention the break-up anymore. It is confusing.

 

Yes, I guess I am waiting a little. I won't be devastated if it doesn't happen, but as of this point I have no desire to date anyone else still...so anything that could help at this point is a plus.

 

Thanks!

[ThisGirlNameKD]

Yes, he does sound like he's confused. So I think you're doing a good thing by weaning yourself from him, and giving him distance to make a clear decision as to what he wants to do.