She needs space, here's my story...

[Hero2Zero]

OK. This is a long story so please bear with me. 2 months ago, I noticed that my GF of 7 years was unhappy at dinner, I asked her what's wrong, and somehow the conversation went on and I ended up asking if she needed space. She said yes. I told her that I will do what she needs. I know 7 years is a long time, she was patient with me, but I think that ultimately, she felt I took her for granted. She felt as if she could be replaced by anyone and it would be the same to me. She felt that I just think I needed her there, but I really don't. I have to admit that in the 2 months that I've been re-thinking everything, I did take her for granted, and I did acknowledge it and meant it when I said I was sorry I did, and I realize it now. She seems really confused she says she doesn't know what she wants and would like to figure it out now rather than years later. She has a lot of stress at home and at work, she's not happy with her job, she wants to move out of her parent's house, but she's unable to and I believe that it is frustrating her. Her has a low self esteem and I believe that she is experiencing depression. She didn't like me doing freelance work for a couple of years after college, but that's been fixed now. I think that I'm the one thing that she has the most control over, so she exercised her control with me. And that I have become a person she can put her stress on, since she can't really control the rest of her world. She has things to sort out. I understand that. She said that she needs her space to figure out what she wants. She avoids any type of confrontation and having to give any answers, all I get is I don't know. I understand that this is probably 7 years of non confrontation exploding all at once, and I am only 20% of what is really depressing and confusing her. She said that she never had a chance to become her own person like I did over the 7 years, didn't get to make new friends, go and experience things that she's afraid she might miss out on. The thing is, I never said she can't make new friends or stopped her from doing anything or hanging out with anyone. Her parents put so many restrictions on her that she can only go out on Friday and Saturday. Yes, that includes seeing me only on Fridays and Saturdays. I am fine with that, I have learned that I love her and would rather have her that way than none at all. I feel that whatever she's not happy about, I am willing to change for her. This time however is different. She doesn't know what she wants, she says she loves me, but she isn't in love with me. However, she doesn't want to break up, instead, just take a break. Sort of being suspended at work, but not a suspension prior to being fired. Just a suspension, according to her. After 2 months, she still doesn't know if she wants to try or end it. I always get what if..., but that's not really the decision, just what if. I told her that I will never hate her, but I don't think that I can be friends if we broke up. and she started crying, and said that she thought we would always be friends. I merely said that as a worse case scenario, and I told her that. It broke my heart to see her cry. Ready for the weird part? We never set any rules for the break, I kind of just gave it to her. She tells me I can do anything and everything I want. There were things that made us had to have contact. We just got back from a trip to Hawaii that was planned earlier. She was pretty cold to me the whole time. I did try to talk to her, and that's when I told her that I don't know if I can be friends if things don't work out. The whole 2 months, she has always kept in contact with me, through IM, she talks to me as if nothing is wrong, and feels pressured and gets antagonized and defensive if I talk about us. She's afraid of having an answer forced out of her. Outside of IMS, she doesn't want to pick up my calls, but she will talk on IM the next day, like nothing happened. I however am the opposite, when I did see her in Hawaii, I was just happy to be around her. She said I act like nothing happened, but when we're on IM, I'm attacking her, when I just ask about us. I can no longer give advice because I've just become the boyfriend that just wants her to come back because that's what I want, and don't care about what she wants. I am happy to see her when I do, and I don't like talking on IM, she is the opposite, she will talk on IM like nothing is wrong, but won't talk to me outside of it. When do I have a chance to ask her about us if she won't pick up my call or want to meet up? I tried to not have any contact, but then I get "are you trying to hide from me? don't hide from me." What am I to do? I have told her twice how I feel, that I will give her the space she needs and just back off, I will be here for her when she's ready. Just give me a call. But then she'll just contact me on IM. I can't turn it off because I need it for work. I can't back off if she contacts me, and she seems to be offended if I cut off my IM. I feel I have been very patient for the past 2 months but feel that there is no progress, life goes on like normal, just without me in her life. What am I to do? I am about to try for a 3rd time to have no contact. I feel sometimes that I'm getting egged on so that I'll be the one to break it off, if that's what she wants, though she said it's not what she wants to happen. I am confused, either you want to try or not. Right? I know this is a mess, but it's been 2 months, and I'm still all over the place. She says there isn't another person, it's not that, and I trust her 100%. I know her and I know that's not it. Someone care to give advice from outside of this chess game? I'm too deep in it to see.

[Hero2Zero]

I would like to add that it seems like everytime I bring up us, she puts her shields up, she feels pressured and antagonized, and I feel we're back to square 1, and all I did was just push her away even more. I don't want to do that, but at the same time, I want to find out where we stand, and "I don't know" just isn't good enough an answer for 2 months later...

[Hero2Zero]

[FONT=Arial]I'm about to initiate no contact for a 3rd or 4th time. I'm about to send this, is it a good idea?

[/FONT]

 

[FONT=Arial]"Dear ______[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]I’m sorry that you are pressured or antagonized by our IM conversations. I apologize. It seems that I only put us back in square one or push you away every time we speak. That is not what I want to do at all. I can see you and seem like nothing happened because I am happy to see you and there is nothing in the past that I hold against you. There is nothing else I can do, and I feel that the more I try to understand, the worse things get. I have told you how I feel on several occasions and I still mean every word of it. I realize that I have taken you for granted in the past and have learned from it. I can change and correct my mistakes, but that’s the best I can do, which may not be what you want. I don’t know if there is hope or what your decision will be, just call me when you are ready. I will contact you after some time to see where we are. Until then, I hope you find the answer that you are looking for.[/FONT]

 

[FONT=Arial]I love you as much as I ever have and that is the truth. Take what you will from what I said. I’m sorry that we’re where we are now.

[/FONT]

 

 

 

Bye,

My name"

 

[Hero2Zero]

Anyone, help? Was my post too long? She actually said she needs to figure out what she wants before more time passes and we're just coming to it 5 years from now. Better to figure out what she wants now than later. Don't know if that's the same as "I need space", but she never used those words, she just said she needs to figure out if everything stayed the same, would she be happy with it.

[Cobra_X30]

Wow, you have a tough situation. Listen... if your correct and you are only 20% of the stress she is under, then you need to take steps to help her out. Dont just tell her what to do! Do it for her. Focus on the small stresses, because the big ones you cant fix for her.

Second, you need to decide between the two of you what kind of rules are in play for this seperation. If she is OK with you dating other women... I'd be suspicious. Never ever rule out the influence of another guy... even if its a character from a romance novel.

 

Shoot, dont initiate contact, and dont pressure her to do anything. Also, I know alot of guys feel that they need to just let things play out, and give her as much time as she needs, but I believe that YOU should set the timeline. Let her know she has until Oct 10th or whatever to make a decision, that if she doesnt choose you, your going to move on and NEVER TALK TO HER AGAIN! Also, I'd make it well known that until that deadline you will be there for her in whatever capacity she needs. Even bringing her lunch at work and small things.

[Hero2Zero]

Thanks for the response Cobra_X30. She never said anything about dating other women. She just said I should talk to people, go out, do stuff. I feel at this point that anything I do or try to do is just seen as me just not caring about only what I want, and not what she wants. Then she feels pressured again. Right now, the small stress is talking about us, so does that mean I should just not talk about us? I'm sorry if I'm confused. You're right though, I am thinking that if I let this play out, the answer will come sooner or later. and if I force an answer out, I would only be stressing her out even more. What am I to do?

[geranium]

Wow, this story is a lot like mine. I'm also in a seven year relationship with someone who just realized that he needs "space" and a chance to figure out what he wants." He also comes from a pretty overprotective family.

 

Get rid of IM. If you truly need it for work, create a new name for work and start using that. DO NOT give her your new name. It's basically IMPOSSIBLE to convey emotions and have them interpreted properly across IM. It's a bomb waiting to explode, in your case. Email is a little easier, because you can write and re-write until you've gotten it correct, but face-to-face conversations are the way to go if you've got something serious to say.

 

It really sounds like she needs to grow up. I assume you're both in your late teens/ early twenties, if she's still living at home with her parents' curfew. I agree that you're probably only 20% of what's confusing and depressing her (God, I'm in the exact same situation). She really needs to take care of the other 80%. That probably means moving out of her parents' home, to start, getting a job or going to college, and getting her depression under control.

 

Beyond that, I don't know what to tell you. I truly hope things work out for you. Don't forget to try to take care of yourself as best you can.

 

N

[Hero2Zero]

I'm actually in my late 20s and she's in her mid 20s. I agree that she needs to sort out the rest of her stresses. It's beyond over protective at this point. I agree that IM is a bomb waiting to explode, but I can't get rid of it because I will be isolating myself from not just her, but also my friends, who are her friends too. I'm sure that the new IM name is bound to get to her if I give it out to anyone. Sigh...I don't know what to do. I don't want to be mean, I want her back, and I really care for her. All that makes it so much harder.

[Yamaha]

However, she doesn't want to break up, instead, just take a break.

 

I'm sorry to tell you this is a typical response from a women who has made up her mind but is trying to make the break up easier for the both of you.

She has been thinking of this for some time as women do not just ask for space out of the blue. Give her the space and see if it helps or hurts your relationship. I would start preparing yourself for life without her as many times there is nothing you can do to change her mind.

[Hero2Zero]

I'm getting IMs yet again today, and I am trying to not respond. Now I get "so you are ignoring me", "that's ok"...

 

Thanks Yamaha. Any input is appreciated. I did ask her if she wanted to break up, but she said no. And she talks about things in the future, as if we're going to be ok later... I keep getting mixed signals and I think she's even more confused than I am... She is wonderful though, and I am willing to do anything for her. I just don't want to lose any self respect that I have left in the process, as that won't be appealing to her anyway.

[Curious139]

You are in an awful position - not knowing whether you are really wanted or not. Cobra makes a good suggestion about helping her with the small stuff.

 

It sounds like she needs space but maybe she also needs a neutral listener. Would she go to a counsellor?

 

I really don't know what to advise. Keep contact to a minimum and see what happens. If the love between you is still strong, she will realise what she is missing. However you need to take a dep breath and understand that it might not work out. Sadly as this site attests, relationships do end and there aren't necessarily any specific reasons. Just human fallibility.

 

Good luck.

[Hero2Zero]

Thanks curious, even my good friend says he does not envy my position. I don't want to suggest that she needs a shrink, and I don't think she would go to one. Her mom has OCD so there's a touchy thing about that, which is also the reason for her strict tie downs at home. I don't know of small stuff that I can help with. I sent her flowers last week. She won't pick up my call or go out on the weekends for dinner. I feel that my hands are tied and I can't really do anything. I can just sit and wait, or just give up. I'm guessing you guys know which option I'm choosing right now. Is it wrong for me to hope for the best but expect the worse? What should I do about the contact though? Should I do no contact without letting her know why? Or should I send an email to her like the one I posted above? Or should I continue to talk to her on IM (which I think is a bad idea, nothing good ever came from IM, and it's a time bomb waiting to blow).

[geranium]

Oh... I'm so sorry for assuming that you were younger. Her parent(s) are dealing with mental health issues, and it sounds like she might be, as well, which explains a lot.

 

"Take a break without breaking up." I don't think it's nonsense--that's what G and I ended up deciding to do about an hour ago. It just means to back waaaay off on the intensity, work on healing together, and then make a decision about moving forward.

 

What I've learned, however, is that I can't heal someone else on my own. He's got to do the heavy lifting, which means he's got to go to therapy, he's got to fall down a few times without me holding his hand through every step. It sounds like she needs the same. She doesn't need to go to a "shrink." A social worker or a person from the clergy will do the job just as well, and they'll refer her to a psychiatrist if she needs one.

 

It really sounds like she's got some work to do. Could you help her see that her life doesn't have to be this way? It will be difficult, because you'll want to get involved in her drama. Do the best you can to stay out of the nonsense. Keep your eye focused on the prize, which is a woman who is whole and mentally healthy and knows what she wants out of life. I think it's impossible to have a mature, fulfilling, and healthy relationship with a person who is not mature, fulfilled, and healthy (in every sense of the word).

 

It hurts so much to admit that to myself.

 

Good luck and I hope you feel better. Sorry again for the assumption. I haven't had a curfew since I was... err.. 14. But my experience isn't applicable to everyone, sometimes I forget that!

 

N

[geranium]

About the contact... in this case, I think she needs your contact. Keep it neutral, don't get dragged into conversations that don't go anywhere, let her know you care but that you won't let yourself be used as a crutch.

 

If you find that she tries to manipulate you, then it's time for no contact. That might be the shock that she needs to seek out someone with whom to talk though her issues.

 

Definitely no more IM. I wouldn't even do email. It's waaaay too easy to type something up in a frenzy, hit "send," and then deal with the regrets. It's much more difficult to say something you'll regret if you have to do it to someone's face. This goes for both you and her.

 

Oh yeah... "Hope for the best, prepare for the worst." I think that's fine. It's smart, actually, if you can do it without tearing yourself apart.

[Hero2Zero]

Thanks, no worries on the assumption. How do I give her contact but not talk to her via IM or email when she doesn't want to talk to me outside of those. I'm not even sure how to show her that her life doesn't have to be the way it is with her stressors. The moment I get close to talking about stressors, it will instantly become me just telling her how easy it is, in her mind, it is the most complicated thing in the world. What makes it harder is that she doesn't want to talk about it at all. It just ends up with what she's not happy with about me, not about her life.

[Hero2Zero]

If you find that she tries to manipulate you, then it's time for no contact.

 

What do you mean by manipulate? Is it trying to get me to say something?

[Hero2Zero]

Thanks for all the responses by the way. It's really therapeutic.

[geranium]

Thanks, no worries on the assumption. How do I give her contact but not talk to her via IM or email when she doesn't want to talk to me outside of those. I'm not even sure how to show her that her life doesn't have to be the way it is with her stressors. The moment I get close to talking about stressors, it will instantly become me just telling her how easy it is, in her mind, it is the most complicated thing in the world. What makes it harder is that she doesn't want to talk about it at all. It just ends up with what she's not happy with about me, not about her life.

Hmmm. I don't have an answer for you. I could take a guess, but it's just a guess. It sounds like she's pretty good at controlling a conversation. If you really think you're limited to computer conversations (and, given her living situation, it sounds like you are), then I would send her an email. Tell her that you can't be in any sort of relationship with her until she starts to take some steps to understand what she wants out of life. Give her a concrete date, and let her know that, unless she at least starts to work on things and is making progress by that date, you're done. She's already been stringing you along for two months. How much more are you going to take? Remember to be as caring and non-judgmental as possible. Post a draft here if you want, maybe you can get some good input on it.

 

N

[geranium]

What do you mean by manipulate? Is it trying to get me to say something?

Whoa sorry I didn't see this.

 

By manipulate I meant she can take a well-meaning conversation about your concern for HER and turn it into her own indecisive/ bitter monologue about YOU. Sounds like she's doing that.

 

I know that any changes are difficult. Heavens I know. That's why she doesn't want to talk about it. Either that or she's pulling the "I'm upset but I don't want to talk about it, because if I don't talk about it but continue to act really unhappy you'll continue to pay attention to me" move. Either way, it has to stop, for her well-being and for yours.

 

Just my two cents...

[Hero2Zero]

I really don't think she's doing the "I'm upset but I don't want to talk about it, because if I don't talk about it but continue to act really unhappy you'll continue to pay attention to me" move. She has low self esteem thanks to her mom always beating her down psychologically. I don't want to be an addition to that. She's really not the type to play games or anything, so I think she is wallowing in her own self pity and depression right now, what can I do? Of course, my analysis of the situation could be completely off.

[Hero2Zero]

Any thoughts on what I just posted?

[Curious139]

If she is depressed then it is difficult or you to do anything, especially if she won't talk to you directly. Depression is a consuming illness where the sufferer's brain chemistry prevents them thinking rationally.

 

I can only suggest you be kind to her. Quite how you do that and limit your contact is hard to say. She has to be persuaded to get some help but may not listen to you or anyone close to her.

[Hero2Zero]

Looks like I am in the worse spot possible. I want to be kind to her and help her, but at the same time, I think I need to firm up and set a date to have an answer or start some progress in the situation. What do I do?

[zebrasan]

It's sounds like it's over. She cares about you and enjoys the stability/comfort that you provide(Product of a LTR), but she's feeling guilty about leaving because she doesn't want to hurt you. Hence the "I don't knows" and "We need to take a break" phrases. She's still talking about the future because she hasn't admitted or is willing to accept that it's over for her. Not talking about such things would crystalize what she's unwillingly to accept at the moment, that the relationship is done.

She gets angry when you want to talk about the relationship because she already knows the answer, but is unwillingly to verbalize it to you. Hence she wants to place some of her own guilt on you, or make the problem about you and not her. It's not meant to be cruel or unkind just more comfortable for her to be angry at you and have the attention focused on you.

My suggestion is either to put a time limit to her "Break" and be firm about it, or end it yourself now and save you and her from frustration and bitterness. She could possibly be wanting you to do that because she doesn't have the strength to do it herself. If you ever want to be friends in the future the latter is the way to go before things get ugly. In a few months I would predict that the relationship is going to end anyway as she gets more and more comfortable with idea of you not being around. This all may sound cruel, but I'm never one to give false hope. Hope it helps.

[Hero2Zero]

Thanks Zebrasan, I have gone down that road of thinking myself. I may be in denial or something. Is there a chance that this is not that case? That she really wants to think about things? She did tell me that she wants to take time to think. I felt that 7 and a half years warrants a try to make it better. But I never told her that. She did say that she doesn't want to get back together right away because it's going to be pressure and it might make her not try to be in it 100%, and it will not end well. What do you think? Any hope for this or is it really doomed from this point?