jerbear Posted August 24, 2007 Share Posted August 24, 2007 7 years is a long time and mid 20's is a life changing period. How the goals between the both of you? Have they changed? I have to agree with the other posters about "woman making up her mind", her stress, and family issues. I would suggest helping her out on some things but do not keep answer her IM's or calls and be at her becken call. Do help her if you can but remember a break is a break. Has she stayed over at your place or officially she still lives with parents? I understand that being 20 something in this culture and living at home, not liking the job can really be stressful and not very relationship material. The home environment can be stressful and parents having issues could be a hinderance. Let her cross the line; allow her the space and option to spend more nights with you at your place. It may go counter but let her / give her some place of refuge. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero2Zero Posted August 24, 2007 Author Share Posted August 24, 2007 Our goals have pretty much remained the same. Maybe it seems like we won't get there to her, but I assured her of it. She officially still lives with her parents, I only see her on Friday after work and Saturday around 6pm, she has to be home by 2am at the latest. She is a wonderful person and if I could have moved with her I would have, but her family is so traditional that she can't until she's married. She wants to move out, and has been talking about it, but I don't know what's stopping her. Even if she moved out, we wouldn't be living together anyway. I understand her stress though, and despite all of the things that may seem really bad about her stress and family, I love her and want to do what's best for her, but I don't think I can be her "place of refuge", as you put it. I can be there for her, but I can't live with her. What do you mean by let her cross the line? This is so complicated, any further input is appreciated and welcome. Thanks everyone for pitching in so far. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero2Zero Posted August 24, 2007 Author Share Posted August 24, 2007 I've been thinking about this the past few days. I'm thinking of asking her to meet me for dinner. Then tell her that I want to set a deadline for this stalemate for 10/10. I will be there for her if she's in trouble, in an emergency, or if she has no one to turn to or talk to. But between now and the deadline, we should not be having casual conversation. I want to keep or regain my own spine and respect, in both her eyes and mine. I want to start healing rather than reopen hurt every time the talks go bad in IM (even if it's only been 3-4 times in 2 months). I am giving her the break she wants by doing this. She can't take a break if I'm always there anyway. And I will let her know that I don't feel any differently about her, and I still love her with all of my heart, but I need to do this for myself and for both our benefits. What do you guys think? Link to post Share on other sites
zebrasan Posted August 24, 2007 Share Posted August 24, 2007 At this point that is the only thing that you can do. Give her time to miss you, realize what she would be losing. I wouldn't pour your heart and soul to her when you tell her about the deadline, she knows how you feel, it's probably been reiterated many times in the last two months. Be kind and curtious but don't bring a lot of extra emotion into the conversation. You don't want her to spend the next couple weeks rememebring you as an emotional mess(it's hard to do, but trust me it's worth it in the end). On a side note, you keep mentioning about all her stress. Typically people tend to get closer to their S.O. during stressful periods if the relationship is going well and both parties are satisfied. She's not doing that, I would take that as an indication of where things could be heading. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero2Zero Posted August 24, 2007 Author Share Posted August 24, 2007 Thanks Zebrasan, she usually focuses our talks around us and what she's not happy about. I do try to ask her about her stresses, but she very, very seldom talks about them. I am just mentioning the stress from what I've seen especially the last few months. She is 25 going on 26, and I know that I had a quarter life crisis and needed to re-evaluate a lot of things about my life at that time, so I'm assuming she's going through the same phases of "where am I headed and what am I doing?" stage that I went through. It does seem like it's much easier for her to detach than me. Do you think that I should ask to talk to her in person, on the phone or email when I say that we need to sever contact until the said deadline? What's the bare minimum way of telling her this? I would like to do it face to face or at the very least over the phone. I feel like I'm betraying her or hurting her more if I do this, but I think it will be the right thing to do for both of us,... right? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero2Zero Posted August 24, 2007 Author Share Posted August 24, 2007 I tried to have no contact and have been trying for the past month. When I do not answer the IMs, she sounds offended, and asks "so you're ignoring me now, that's okay..." What is going on in her head, does she really want me to keep talking to her? For what reason if she doesn't want to talk about us, but wants to have conversations like nothing ever happened? That's what confused me. Also, is initiating no contact for a month and a half going to have any results? It's been almost 2 months since this break started, will it have any effect or significance at this point, or is it just too late to even do this? Link to post Share on other sites
zebrasan Posted August 24, 2007 Share Posted August 24, 2007 No contact will especially have an effect because of the "so you're ignoring me now, that's okay..." , phrases. It sounds like she's trying to gauge how much you care about her, this could mean she's really insecure, it could mean she's just toying with you, trully who knows. Take solice in the fact that you have no choice about the situation, it's out of your hands. Hence, going over the nitty gritty details of what she tells you does not benefit you in any way. Stop analyzing. You can't think for her.The "coulda, shoulds, woulda, what if game" will only hurt you in the end. She wants to keep the conversations normal as if nothing ever happened because she doesn't want to/or isn't ready to deal with the situation at hand. When you tell her, I would do it face to face, but make sure you have something planned immediately afterwards, you don't want it to turn into a long drawn out mess. Maybe return something of hers, that's when you tell. I wouldn't keep the conversation going for anymore than 15 minutes, make it brief, while still being curtious and kind, but set a time limit and stick to it, regardless if you or her is crying, nothing good will come out of rehashing the past at this point. Later it will be more important, assuming that the time for that actually comes. Most important, the no contact is for you to gain perspective, not to bring her back. First week will suck, second week will suck less, and so on. By 10/10 you may no longer be attracted to her, she may want to get back together(doubtful), or you may still be holding onto hope, at which point you will be crushed, we've all been there, but at least you'll have an answer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero2Zero Posted August 25, 2007 Author Share Posted August 25, 2007 Wow, sucks to be me. I figure I have a 50 - 50 chance. Or do you think I have a 20-80 chance against me? UGH! Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted August 25, 2007 Share Posted August 25, 2007 Wow, sucks to be me. I figure I have a 50 - 50 chance. Or do you think I have a 20-80 chance against me? UGH! 80/20 against but with woman it could be 80/20 now, 20/80 tomorrow, 0/100 an hour later, 110/0 5 minutes after the hour. Who knows. In regards to letting her cross the line; let her do it on her schedule. 7 years, traditional, and being 26. Yeah she is probably realizing she has other choices. Ditto for you by the way. Around 25 is when some adults goto grad school, career, marriage etc... She may have something on her mind that just doesn't make sense. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero2Zero Posted August 25, 2007 Author Share Posted August 25, 2007 So I shouldn't set a deadline for a decision and do it on her schedule when she's ready? Part of me feels I'm "betraying her" and not doing right by her when I told her that I can step back and let her come to me when she's ready and now want to set a deadline. At the same time, I don't want this to go on forever or indefinitely. I just asked her if she wants to meet up this weekend, and she said yes, with no fight or resistance whatsoever. I'm wondering if I'm looking at this all wrong. Should I give her the time to think on her schedule or should I set a deadline for a decision and not have any contact between now and then? Help? I'm confused. I don't hate her at all and I don't think she hates me, part of me feels like I'm hurting her if I do what I planned, but part of me feels like I have to do it for both our benefits. As much input on this before sunday night PST is greatly appreciated. THanks. Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted August 25, 2007 Share Posted August 25, 2007 Decisions are being made all the time and even during the relationship. It seems she is seeing things in life differently now. She wants the status quo but seems to start being independent and unsure of what to do for the the future. She's only had one thing the last 7 years versus seeing the rest of the world. Let do her own thing, sit down and talk to her. Tell her that you both are aware of the unhappiness and if she won't let you help or assist, you would step back. you can't solve all of her problems; she has to. You have to do your own thing and make your own decisions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero2Zero Posted August 25, 2007 Author Share Posted August 25, 2007 I will offer help but if she doesn't want it, then I'll step back. If I step back now and let her sort this out, it would probably be wise to not have any contact and let her see if not having me there is what she really wants, right? She can't make that judgement if I'm always there. That's my reasoning for wanting to not have communication. Am I right to think that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero2Zero Posted August 26, 2007 Author Share Posted August 26, 2007 Any input? Link to post Share on other sites
livebuzzwords Posted August 26, 2007 Share Posted August 26, 2007 if u need any info on ways to contact me for whatever reason i can send along any info. rest assured, i am clear on the rules of contact - u are free to copntact me at your leuisure and in whatever method desired and i do not respond unless asked to - not phone calls, emails, letters, drivebys, etc. any contact will not be abused or misused i will not 'collect' data, post on sites other than Enot and LS i will be heading home shortly - thank you for all your trust and your courage Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted August 26, 2007 Share Posted August 26, 2007 I will offer help but if she doesn't want it, then I'll step back. If I step back now and let her sort this out, it would probably be wise to not have any contact and let her see if not having me there is what she really wants, right? She can't make that judgement if I'm always there. That's my reasoning for wanting to not have communication. Am I right to think that? Well not knowing her side, IMO you have to do your own thing. Step back but you should not be at her becken call. If you have a prior engagement and she calls, don't answer. Normally I suggest limited to no contact but I'll suggest limited contact. Mid 20's is kinda young and still have a life ahead. Link to post Share on other sites
livebuzzwords Posted August 26, 2007 Share Posted August 26, 2007 i am not trying to hurt anyone i am trying to help my exgf - how can i do that when all my avenues of communication are removed i care deeply about her i wouldn't be spending all this time if i didn't can someone help me wiht this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero2Zero Posted August 26, 2007 Author Share Posted August 26, 2007 Livebuzzwords....HUH? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero2Zero Posted August 26, 2007 Author Share Posted August 26, 2007 Well, we are meeting for dinner in 3 hours. I'm going to suggest limited contact for the rest of the time. Is it not wise for me to set a 10/10 deadline for some kind of decision or progress as far as thinking and figuring out if this is what she wants for the rest of her life? Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted August 26, 2007 Share Posted August 26, 2007 Good luck! Remember to enjoy finishing the dinner, even if she walks out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero2Zero Posted August 27, 2007 Author Share Posted August 27, 2007 Thanks Jerbear. Is setting a deadline a good move still? Or should I just let her have as much time as she needs, and just let her know that I'm suggesting limited contact during the time. Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted August 27, 2007 Share Posted August 27, 2007 Hard date deadlines is not a good idea, however; follow your own deadline. keep it open, one of you might move forward or move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero2Zero Posted August 27, 2007 Author Share Posted August 27, 2007 Thanks Jerbear and everyone. I'll come back and let you know what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero2Zero Posted August 27, 2007 Author Share Posted August 27, 2007 So, we went to dinner and it was so pleasant. She said that it was nice that we were just having fun, and it was a very nice night. We were talking like we haven't talked in a long time. Towards the end of dinner, she handed me some Dave and Buster cards that she was holding onto. I'm going to read into it: (I'm not sure if that meant that she doesn't think we'll be going there together anymore or she just thought that I can use it when I go out and thought I would use it before she would so she gave it to me as a nice gesture.) I mentioned that I think it would benefit us both if we stopped talking on IM about important things, she agreed it was a bad medium for communication. I suggested limited conversation and that I would be there for her, but I would like to limit the amount of contact. She didn't really say much about it, but just agreed towards the end of the night. She said it was a pleasant night and she thanked me. I walked her to her car and she gave me a hug. I told her I love her and have a good night, she said she loves me too, and she made this expression with her face when she said she loves me too, I know this expression and it was one that she gives when she's genuinely touched. I know I shouldn't read into anything right now, like the D&B cards and the expression she gave, but I think the night went well. I didn't make her uncomfortable or dread going to dinner or talking, I didn't go in with an ultimatum and I think that was a good idea. How did you guys think it went? I know I should back off now and let her contact me, I will only contact her once every 2 weeks to see if she wants to go get some dinner. If not, no biggie. By october 10th, I will ask if she knows what she wants out of this. What do you guys think I should do next? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero2Zero Posted August 27, 2007 Author Share Posted August 27, 2007 Any input? Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted August 27, 2007 Share Posted August 27, 2007 I still avoid the 10/10 deadline. Mentally put one but dont set a hard date. See what happens; don't get hung up on her to much. You two maybe young but it is only a matter of time before you two realize something is amiss and you've wasted to much time. Link to post Share on other sites
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