Krytellan Posted August 21, 2007 Share Posted August 21, 2007 I always gave people a hard time for this, and now I can totally relate. So, I "sealed the deal" with a girl I've been dating and am now freaking out about it. I feel like a deer caught in headlights because it feels like too much too fast. Part of me feels like a jerk for doing what I did, but I didn't freak until after. She's a great girl, I just don't think a relationship is something I'm in the position to handle after my track record of the last 5 years. I didn't know at the time how I would feel after. Can anyone relate to this? I was always in committed relationships and never did any casual dating. Now, I find myself meeting (and sometimes more) women on a weekly basis and well, it's fun. I don't know if I can give that up for a relationship... it's just too... fun. But this girl is different because we have been on several dates so there is an implied "mutual relationship" thing going on that doesn't exist with other people, so I feel pressure now to step up or get out. And I honestly have no idea what to do. This girl seems like great relationship material. Bad timing? Does that explain it away? Damn. I have always been more "together" than this. Link to post Share on other sites
Alexandra-Girl Posted August 21, 2007 Share Posted August 21, 2007 It's alright to feel confused. Just take a step back and allow yourself to breath. Be upfront with the lady and tell her that you are having a wonderful time with her, but you need to take a step back to focus on something else at the moment (i.e. yourself). You don't have to give specifics, you could even say it is work. Just make sure that you reassure her that is NOT her fault in any way. Tell her that when you have figured things out, you WILL be in touch so that she doesn't feel entirely abbandoned during this process. A women should understand this, we do the same thing when we hit uncertainty (which is what you are going through). If you give yourself the time to rationalize things, you might be surprised at the internal answers you find. Good luck, Alex Link to post Share on other sites
cr8sea Posted August 21, 2007 Share Posted August 21, 2007 hmm funny you should say that! hehe i think you responded to one of my posts about this...only im on the other side. i swear honesty is the best policy...specially since u feel she's special anyway. Not gonna lie, it might shake her ground a bit, if you tell her you arent ready to be committed....but if she's reasonable, and feels you have good intentions, it should be alright. ....however..... There ARE people who feel that if a man isnt ready to commit right away is because he is waiting for "the next best thing". Its a common fear....and a lot of women, once a man backtracks, will break it off to avoid later heartache. This is why, if you're gonna tell her you dont want commitment right now, you MUST make sure she knows you're not out to play her. I personally appreciated when my guy told me that he didnt want a commitment right now. I was glad to KNOW where i standed...and sure it kinda scared me a bit at the beginning, and maybe im being a fool for being optimistic and seeing the good in him . But i feel that as long as you dont change how you treat her, despite your "non relationship" status, things could actually be better in the long run than if you rush into a relationship that you arent sure of. If ive learned ANYTHING from my current relationship is that slow progression is the best way to go....no hurt feelings if things dont work out...and if they do, you know the relationship was really thought through, not rushed... I hope it works out for you.... Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted August 21, 2007 Share Posted August 21, 2007 Get your real feelings on the table, STAT! It would be cruel to string her along. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Krytellan Posted August 21, 2007 Author Share Posted August 21, 2007 Hmm... so it seems this is a "we need to talk" kind of moment, huh? I've only once had one of these moments, and I later discovered that it may have been the biggest mistake of my life. I'll make sure the physical stuff gets put on hold until this is addressed. Thanks for the input ladies Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted August 21, 2007 Share Posted August 21, 2007 This is EXACTLY why when dating multiple people you CANNOT sleep with ANY of them!! Grr. Be upfront with the lady and tell her that you are having a wonderful time with her, but you need to take a step back to focus on something else at the moment (i.e. yourself). You don't have to give specifics, you could even say it is work. Just make sure that you reassure her that is NOT her fault in any way. Tell her that when you have figured things out, you WILL be in touch so that she doesn't feel entirely abbandoned during this process. A women should understand this, we do the same thing when we hit uncertainty (which is what you are going through). If you give yourself the time to rationalize things, you might be surprised at the internal answers you find. No, no, no. "Be upfront" does NOT equal LYING and saying he's busy with work. That is the very definition of stringing her along. Truth of the matter is, if you don't commit to her NOW she WILL feel abandoned - period. You're not ready, willing, or able to do that, so unfortunately there's no way to avoid hurting her feelings. Therefore, you must do it in the kindest way possible. Get your real feelings on the table, STAT! It would be cruel to string her along. This is critical. Above anything else, be HONEST. Tell her what you told us: that she's a great girl, but you are not in position to handle a relationship right now. Tell her you didn't enter into this dating situation with her and her bed knowing how you'd feel. Tell her that she seems like great relationship material for SOMEONE ELSE because you are simply NOT going to be able to be in a relationship with her. Let her make the decision about what to do next - continue seeing you in basically a FWB type situation, or move on to someone who is ready and capable of a relationship now. In other words, don't do what FF did to me. You saw what that did to me. Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted August 21, 2007 Share Posted August 21, 2007 I think that no matter what you do now and how you explain yourself she will think you're an a*shole that used her. Someone suggested saying you need to step back and take a look at yourself, imagine how that will sound to a girl you just slept with for the first time. That's not to say your feelings aren't genuine or that you did something wrong but unless you commit to her she will feel angry/hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted August 21, 2007 Share Posted August 21, 2007 Which is one of the reasons why people should discuss exclusivity prior to sleeping together... Whether you are or aren't dating for the sex alone, better to leave no possibility of misunderstandings. This is critical. Above anything else, be HONEST. Exactly. Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted August 21, 2007 Share Posted August 21, 2007 Oh crap, Well whatever happens at least you got some sex. I agree you need to have some real good communication with this lady. Of course I agree that this conversation might have been better had before the intimacy. However, the deed has been done. It is risky and there are alot of variables and personality wrenches to explore. Of course you risk coming off as a jerk in her eyes. Or, she may put you in that "unreliable" box and use you until another suitor comes along. Then you might be posting about that and letting the experience jade you further. I guess it is time to ask yourself some hard questions and prepare to have a good talk with someone who saw your naughty parts. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted August 21, 2007 Share Posted August 21, 2007 Or, she may put you in that "unreliable" box Once you get thrown into the box of corn flakes, good luck climbing out... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 21, 2007 Share Posted August 21, 2007 Yup, just speak from your heart and keep it as simple as possible. Meaning - Let her know that you still have some stuff to sort through, that it has nothing to do with her, you like her, think she's great but you definately aren't ready for anything too serious, let alone ready to make a full committment that will mean marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Krytellan Posted August 22, 2007 Author Share Posted August 22, 2007 First off, I thank you all for the comments and that is exactly what I'm going to do. Friday will be the day it appears. As she said, 'You're mine on Friday then?' EEK! If is was "black and white" it would be easier. This isn't about telling someone I'm not into on an emotional level that I'm just "not ready" for the blah blah. The problem is that she is the single easiest woman to be around. Whatever wavelength I operate on, she's on the same one. Personality-wise, this is the person that I would strive to meet. The difficulty is that I just don't know if I can deny my downright boyish impulses to have fun while it may be my last opportunity. I just feel like I need to know what it's like. At the same time, this girl is GREAT! I don't know that I'm not ready for her. That's why it would be so hard to have this conversation because it's not a yes or no thing, it's simply an "I have no idea" thing. So I'm not looking for a FWB. But I do want to continue to go out without the physical, if necessary, until such time as I figure it out. Is that a bad thing if I lay the truth out there that I just can't commit to someone right now? Does that still constitute "stringing someone along"? Does it make me a scumbag if I do random things with other people while dating her on a non-intimate level? Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted August 22, 2007 Share Posted August 22, 2007 I agree with Allina. It doesn't matter what you do or say. She's just going to take it however she's going to take it. To her it will all be the same message, and it will all upset her just as much. And she'll be just as likely to resent you for not having more foresight. If she was smart, she'd read your signals and back off on her own. It's not a game so much as it is understanding the pressures that come with a new relationship. You can't go from utter darkness to full bright light without some pain, unless you take it slow and spend some time adjusting. What you did with her is discover how bright the light is. Now you have to back up and go for a more gradual adjustment. Or it could be that she doesn't have what it takes for you to give up your fun times. Either way, chances are she won't understand. It's something only Shakespeare could explain to her and have her come away feeling happy. I've read your posts. You're not Shakespeare. Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted August 22, 2007 Share Posted August 22, 2007 Can anyone relate to this? I was always in committed relationships and never did any casual dating. Now, I find myself meeting (and sometimes more) women on a weekly basis and well, it's fun. I don't know if I can give that up for a relationship... it's just too... fun. I don't think you need anyone here to tell you this but you MUST make your intentions known before. Since you did what you did and your not ready to move foward, she's going to think whatever she wants. You can tell her exactly what you said here but whether or not she believes you, well let's just say some women have heard it all. Link to post Share on other sites
popey Posted August 22, 2007 Share Posted August 22, 2007 You don't have to know what you want right now. You just need to be conscious of not misleading her. For all you know, she could be feeling the same way. We're not all jumping to marry the first thing that climbs into bed with us ya know. Link to post Share on other sites
PoshPrincess Posted August 22, 2007 Share Posted August 22, 2007 I think that no matter what you do now and how you explain yourself she will think you're an a*shole that used her. Someone suggested saying you need to step back and take a look at yourself, imagine how that will sound to a girl you just slept with for the first time. That's not to say your feelings aren't genuine or that you did something wrong but unless you commit to her she will feel angry/hurt. Why is it that so many guys only realise they don't want commitment AFTER they've got the girl into bed? Sorry, Krytellan, I DO believe that you ARE confused but try not to make the same mistake again. I suggest in the future you are upfront about your intentions before you have sex with a girl, that way there can be no misunderstandings. Yes, if this girl is wanting more than you can give her she probably will be hurt and will feel used, although saying that if we really like a guy we are pretty much gullible enough to believe anything. Just tell her how you feel as soon as possible before she becomes MORE emotionally involved. Looking back to when I was young this was a really sh*tty thing to happen because not only did you feel used, but you felt like a slut for sleeping with a guy, stupidly thinking more would come out of it than a 'one night stand'. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted August 22, 2007 Share Posted August 22, 2007 Did the two of you have a discussion about exclusivity before this happened? Were you in agreement with it? As for implied relationship thing, if you did discuss a relationship, there is nothing implied about it. It's a done deal and now you're reneging. If so, you'd better fix it ASAP. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted August 22, 2007 Share Posted August 22, 2007 So I'm not looking for a FWB. But I do want to continue to go out without the physical, if necessary, until such time as I figure it out. Is that a bad thing if I lay the truth out there that I just can't commit to someone right now? Does that still constitute "stringing someone along"? Does it make me a scumbag if I do random things with other people while dating her on a non-intimate level? I've been on the receiving end of a situation like this- except we didn't sleep together. STILL- I think your way of approaching this is great. However, and this is probably a minority opinion, I woud avoid the word 'commitment' on the next date right after, hum hum, "sealing the deal". If I were her, I would actually read 'the talk' as a gentle way of letting me know you were dumping me... But in this case, it's not really what you are doing. Most women know sex does not equal commitment. On your next date, got out, have fun, avoid feeling guilty but tell her you would rather hold off on the physical for awhile. She'll likely understand that means you are seeing other people. Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted August 22, 2007 Share Posted August 22, 2007 First off, I thank you all for the comments and that is exactly what I'm going to do. Friday will be the day it appears. As she said, 'You're mine on Friday then?' EEK! If is was "black and white" it would be easier. This isn't about telling someone I'm not into on an emotional level that I'm just "not ready" for the blah blah. The problem is that she is the single easiest woman to be around. Whatever wavelength I operate on, she's on the same one. Personality-wise, this is the person that I would strive to meet. The difficulty is that I just don't know if I can deny my downright boyish impulses to have fun while it may be my last opportunity. I just feel like I need to know what it's like. At the same time, this girl is GREAT! I don't know that I'm not ready for her. That's why it would be so hard to have this conversation because it's not a yes or no thing, it's simply an "I have no idea" thing. So I'm not looking for a FWB. But I do want to continue to go out without the physical, if necessary, until such time as I figure it out. Is that a bad thing if I lay the truth out there that I just can't commit to someone right now? Does that still constitute "stringing someone along"? Does it make me a scumbag if I do random things with other people while dating her on a non-intimate level? This reads to me that you like her. You like her and want to continue to see her but you also want the opportunity to date other people. She might see this as someone who enjoys having cake and eating cake. Or, in the best light a guy who is just not ready to be in a relationship. You remind me of my 'mad date'. I wonder how he is doing. He was about a year out of a marriage. His wife was unfaithful and she was his only sexual experience. I felt bad for this dude as she cheated on a 20 year marriage with their neighbor and his former best friend. It was all so tragic. I did have my b/s detector on and opted out of any romantic involvement with him. I did however introduce him to a good friend of mine who I felt might be more compatable with him. They got along so good. He was upfront after the lust was satisfied between them. I told her not to sleep with him, but they did it anyway. He floundered alot with his emotions. He too wanted to experience alot of different women. I remember the look of pity I gave him when he told me he had only ever slept with his wife. I later told him that really he did have that fairy tale experience and I was wrong to feel sorry for his lack of variety. Basically, I said 'you know, you can go and experience alot of different women but in the end you will emotionally wind up right here wishing you had the good love of one.' I think he is still on a mission. My friend after not too long threw him in her 'unreliable/cornflake' box and he was/is still a little hurt by it. I don't know what to tell you Kryt. What is it that you wish to have for yourself romatically? What is your long term goal? Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted August 22, 2007 Share Posted August 22, 2007 First off, I thank you all for the comments and that is exactly what I'm going to do. Friday will be the day it appears. As she said, 'You're mine on Friday then?' EEK! If is was "black and white" it would be easier. This isn't about telling someone I'm not into on an emotional level that I'm just "not ready" for the blah blah. The problem is that she is the single easiest woman to be around. Whatever wavelength I operate on, she's on the same one. Personality-wise, this is the person that I would strive to meet. The difficulty is that I just don't know if I can deny my downright boyish impulses to have fun while it may be my last opportunity. I just feel like I need to know what it's like. At the same time, this girl is GREAT! I don't know that I'm not ready for her. That's why it would be so hard to have this conversation because it's not a yes or no thing, it's simply an "I have no idea" thing. So I'm not looking for a FWB. But I do want to continue to go out without the physical, if necessary, until such time as I figure it out. Is that a bad thing if I lay the truth out there that I just can't commit to someone right now? Does that still constitute "stringing someone along"? Does it make me a scumbag if I do random things with other people while dating her on a non-intimate level? Taken on the whole, your post reeks of, "What if I find someone better?" If you were to be honest with her, it would sound like this: "I don't know if I like you enough to decide not see other random women." Is the very thought of doing random things with random people that much more enticing than being only with her? If so, you DO know that you are NOT ready or able to be in a relationship with her - and you need to tell her that, STAT. You can't take-back the sex - once that threshold is crossed, decisions need to be made. You either move forward with this woman, or you let her go and find some other peeps to play with. Link to post Share on other sites
Missa2126 Posted August 22, 2007 Share Posted August 22, 2007 So I'm not looking for a FWB. But I do want to continue to go out without the physical, if necessary, until such time as I figure it out. Is that a bad thing if I lay the truth out there that I just can't commit to someone right now? Does that still constitute "stringing someone along"? Does it make me a scumbag if I do random things with other people while dating her on a non-intimate level? In my experiences, she will be much more open and understanding of the situation if you're honest with her from the get-go, rather than you not telling her and stringing her along. I really feel you should just be completely honest. Tell her exactly what you just said. If she really is this wonderful girl then she will be thankful that you were open and honest with her and maybe she won't mind going along for the ride with you. Good luck!! Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted August 22, 2007 Share Posted August 22, 2007 She might go along with it, or might not. Either way don't try to spin it so it's to your benefit or some way to hold onto her, while still getting laid for no output. A woman who appears to be that interested, might easily get strung along. Sometimes it's necessary to be cruel to be kind, in the long run. How you deal with this will define your character Krytellan. Are you a selfish man or are you a compassionate man? You decide. Link to post Share on other sites
oppath Posted August 22, 2007 Share Posted August 22, 2007 All this assumes she is really hoping for exclusivity. It is possible she feels the same way you do right now. You don't have to make a big deal about it other than telling her "I really enjoy spending time with you and I really enjoyed the other night, but I feel we may have rushed into the physical part too soon. What are your thoughts? I want to date you and get to know you better, but I'm not quite ready for a relationship." Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted August 22, 2007 Share Posted August 22, 2007 All this assumes she is really hoping for exclusivity. It is possible she feels the same way you do right now. You don't have to make a big deal about it other than telling her "I really enjoy spending time with you and I really enjoyed the other night, but I feel we may have rushed into the physical part too soon. What are your thoughts? I want to date you and get to know you better, but I'm not quite ready for a relationship." oppath, that's leading her on. It's issue avoidance. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted August 22, 2007 Share Posted August 22, 2007 Krytellan, firstly I would like to commend you for actually posting about this when you knew full well how many of us feel about this topic. I agree that you need to be up front and honest, and leave the rest up to her. Link to post Share on other sites
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