I've done it for the first time and I can't think clearly

[Kamille]

All this assumes she is really hoping for exclusivity. It is possible she feels the same way you do right now. You don't have to make a big deal about it other than telling her "I really enjoy spending time with you and I really enjoyed the other night, but I feel we may have rushed into the physical part too soon. What are your thoughts? I want to date you and get to know you better, but I'm not quite ready for a relationship."

 

Honestly, I don't think that this is leading her on. I think that this way she gets to have a say in it instead of Kryt (and the board) deciding for her that she does want exclusivity. Really, who says that she isn't having second thoughts and thinking that things went too fast? From his description she sounds like a pretty lucid human being. Not a woman out to get a man at all cost.

[Trialbyfire]

It's issue avoidance because it's not really true. Krytellan wants to continue getting laid by this woman but also wants to hit up other people. He's not ready for a relationship and shouldn't let her believe that she has a shot at one because he wants "to get to know her better"...

[Kamille]

It's issue avoidance because it's not really true. Krytellan wants to continue getting laid by this woman but also wants to hit up other people. He's not ready for a relationship and shouldn't let her believe that she has a shot at one because he wants "to get to know her better"...

 

What if he says, and holds true to his word, that he thinks it best that they hold off sex for awhile? That's what both he and Oppath suggested.

[oppath]

I don't see how it is leading her on to say "I'm not ready for a relationship and realize that by having sex, I may have moved things more forward than I am ready for, and I need to know your feelings so you can make a choice about whether to keep seeing me, but I would like to keep dating you."

 

Not all women operate under the assumption that sex = exclusivity. Many do. Many want it to mean that. Many would be offended that sex didn't mean things were going in that direction. But there are women, a great number, who have sex with a guy they are dating, but it is not a relationship, and they are dating others. I'm not suggesting he try to manipulate her into continuing to date him or sleeping with him, just telling her (1) I am not looking for a relationship right now (2) we had sex before I was ready for that deep of intimacy (3) I would like to keep dating you, but since I'm not ready for a relationship, I need to let you know how I am feeling because sex is deeply intimate for me and I value you as a person.

[Star Gazer]

It's issue avoidance because it's not really true. Krytellan wants to continue getting laid by this woman but also wants to hit up other people. He's not ready for a relationship and shouldn't let her believe that she has a shot at one because he wants "to get to know her better"...

 

I agree completely.

[oppath]

It's issue avoidance because it's not really true. Krytellan wants to continue getting laid by this woman but also wants to hit up other people. He's not ready for a relationship and shouldn't let her believe that she has a shot at one because he wants "to get to know her better"...

\

 

Ok, I didn't think that was Krytellan's stance. I felt he truly likes this girl, but just coming out of a relationship, isn't ready to make himself vulnerable again. Sex happened, and now he realizes he wasn't prepared for that level of intimacy. It happens. To both genders. It sounds to me like he is saying there IS a shot with her, but he just doesn't want to commit to someone he's only been seeing (presumably) a couple of weeks. Whose to say she isn't dating other guys right now?

 

Now, if he continues to sleep with her under the guise she has a shot, that is wrong. I'd recommend no sex if he feels she has a shot, and to re-evaluate in a couple weeks, though once sex enters the equation you can't divide it out.

[Star Gazer]

I don't see how it is leading her on to say "I'm not ready for a relationship and realize that by having sex, I may have moved things more forward than I am ready for, and I need to know your feelings so you can make a choice about whether to keep seeing me, but I would like to keep dating you..."

 

 

It's leading her on because you're leaving out the most critical parts of the above quote, which I will add and put in bold for you:

 

"I'm not ready for a relationship and when I am ready I don't know if I'll ever want one with you specifically, and realize that by having sex, I may have moved things more forward than I am ready for, and I need to know your feelings so you can make a choice about whether to keep seeing me, but I would like to keep dating you as well as dating/sleeping with other people."

 

Do you see now? It would be leading her on to leave out the bolded part. Unless she knows the truth - and that means the FULL truth - she cannot make an informed decision. Without that knowledge, she'd be strung along like a puppet.

[Star Gazer]

Ok, I didn't think that was Krytellan's stance. I felt he truly likes this girl, but just coming out of a relationship, isn't ready to make himself vulnerable again. Sex happened, and now he realizes he wasn't prepared for that level of intimacy. It happens. To both genders. It sounds to me like he is saying there IS a shot with her, but he just doesn't want to commit to someone he's only been seeing (presumably) a couple of weeks. Whose to say she isn't dating other guys right now?

 

You're incorrect. It IS his stance. He has said he does not want to "deny [his] downright boyish impulses to have fun while it may be [his] last opportunity." He wants to have his cake and eat it too, at her expense...and his methodology is to string her along.

[Kamille]

I don't see how it is leading her on to say "I'm not ready for a relationship and realize that by having sex, I may have moved things more forward than I am ready for, and I need to know your feelings so you can make a choice about whether to keep seeing me, but I would like to keep dating you."

 

Not all women operate under the assumption that sex = exclusivity. Many do. Many want it to mean that. Many would be offended that sex didn't mean things were going in that direction. But there are women, a great number, who have sex with a guy they are dating, but it is not a relationship, and they are dating others. I'm not suggesting he try to manipulate her into continuing to date him or sleeping with him, just telling her (1) I am not looking for a relationship right now (2) we had sex before I was ready for that deep of intimacy (3) I would like to keep dating you, but since I'm not ready for a relationship, I need to let you know how I am feeling because sex is deeply intimate for me and I value you as a person.

 

This sounds completely rational to me. To me it opens up an honest communication free of assumptions about what she might be expecting. She might not react well - apparently 90% of the women here wouldn't - but I know I would rather be given information this way then any other way. And, yeah, I might consider continuing to date this guy.

[Trialbyfire]

Krytellan doesn't want to let her go but also wants to see others. You can't have both if she's of the understanding that they are already in an "implied" relationship, which is why Krytellan called it a deal sealer when they slept together. He knew what sleeping with her meant, which is what caused the panic afterwards. "What did I just do when I knew what it meant?"

[Trialbyfire]

This sounds completely rational to me. To me it opens up an honest communication free of assumptions about what she might be expecting. She might not react well - apparently 90% of the women here wouldn't - but I know I would rather be given information this way then any other way. And, yeah, I might consider continuing to date this guy.

Would you? I wouldn't. Ambiguity is what causes people to talk and talk but get nowhere.

[Krytellan]

Did the two of you have a discussion about exclusivity before this happened? Were you in agreement with it?

 

As for implied relationship thing, if you did discuss a relationship, there is nothing implied about it. It's a done deal and now you're reneging. If so, you'd better fix it ASAP.

 

The only discussion that was at all had was:

 

her: So, are you still browsing Craig's List?

me: No, I haven't been there in a long time.

 

That's really the extent of the conversation. At no time did the boyfriend/girlfriend thing or exclusivity thing come up. Am I to assume that her question was a very vague and lame way of establishing exclusivity?

[allina]

All this assumes she is really hoping for exclusivity. It is possible she feels the same way you do right now.

 

True. Or maybe she's thinking "Ugh I shouldn't have slept with that guy, that was awful, I hope he doesn't want to be exclusive" now that would be funny

 

(sorry OP, I do wish you the best but it would be slightly funny, no?)

[Trialbyfire]

The only discussion that was at all had was:

 

her: So, are you still browsing Craig's List?

me: No, I haven't been there in a long time.

 

That's really the extent of the conversation. At no time did the boyfriend/girlfriend thing or exclusivity thing come up. Am I to assume that her question was a very vague and lame way of establishing exclusivity?

Where did the "implied" relationship come from?

[Kamille]

Krytellan doesn't want to let her go but also wants to see others. You can't have both if she's of the understanding that they are already in an "implied" relationship, which is why Krytellan called it a deal sealer when they slept together. He knew what sleeping with her meant, which is what caused the panic afterwards. "What did I just do when I knew what it meant?"

 

Yes but he is having the typical man 'oh no now she thinks we're in a relationship' panic without even having any idea how she feels about it! Personnally, I hate it when guys pull that one on me. I am as aware as them of the consequences of my actions, and I usually know when I'm in a casual or committed relationship, implied or not.

 

We're all assuming stuff about her based on our own experiences and our own expectations of relationships.

 

StarGazer, I can't find that quote that you have anywhere. Is it Kryt or yours?

 

"I'm not ready for a relationship and when I am ready I don't know if I'll ever want one with you specifically, and realize that by having sex, I may have moved things more forward than I am ready for, and I need to know your feelings so you can make a choice about whether to keep seeing me, but I would like to keep dating you as well as dating/sleeping with other people."

[Krytellan]

How you deal with this will define your character Krytellan. Are you a selfish man or are you a compassionate man? You decide.

 

I know this, and have thought about this for 2 days. It's true, but you didn't have to do that ya know

[Trialbyfire]

Yes but he is having the typical man 'oh no now she thinks we're in a relationship' panic without even having any idea how she feels about it! Personnally, I hate it when guys pull that one on me. I am as aware as them of the consequences of my actions, and I usually know when I'm in a casual or committed relationship, implied or not.

 

We're all assuming stuff about her based on our own experiences and our own expectations of relationships.

 

StarGazer, I can't find that quote that you have anywhere. Is it Kryt or yours?

We can only base our opinions on what he's stated in his posts. Sounds to me like he wants to have his cake and eat it too, as defined by SG.

 

Come on Kamille. If a guy doesn't know if he wants you exclusively, are you up to date him? If you date lite, that's a whole 'nother ball game but it should be stated upfront.

[Kamille]

Would you? I wouldn't. Ambiguity is what causes people to talk and talk but get nowhere.

 

I don't see where the ambiguity lies if he says: 1. I think we moved too fast 2. I do like seeing you and would want to keep seeing you 3. I'm not ready for a relationship.

 

That's about as unambiguous as it gets. It's honest - or at least, that is how I understand what he is saying.

[Trialbyfire]

I know this, and have thought about this for 2 days. It's true, but you didn't have to do that ya know

You know I had to because you're a better man than that.

[Krytellan]

It's issue avoidance because it's not really true. Krytellan wants to continue getting laid by this woman but also wants to hit up other people. He's not ready for a relationship and shouldn't let her believe that she has a shot at one because he wants "to get to know her better"...

 

As I said TBF, I would want to continue seeing her even is she didn't want to be physical. I did say that. This is not about the sex. Well, not wholly. There is a fine person in there that I like very much.

[oppath]

I see what you are saying. When my ex dumped me using the "it's not you, it's me, I don't know who I am and need to find myself" speech, and then asked to be FWB a couple weeks later, she left out "it's not you, it's me, I don't know who I am and need to find myself ON DATES AND IN BED WITH OTHER MEN."

 

But for all we know, she is dating 2 other guys right now herself! What matters is...does she realistically have a shot? If yes, here's the deal. Krytellan, you claim you've never experienced being able to go out and meet new women, a new one every week, and are enjoying it. Understand, that you can move towards exclusivity with the current woman, and if your feelings don't continue to grow, you can break it off, and BOOM: all those women you are meeting now, you'll be able to live that lifestyle then. It is not your last chance.

[Trialbyfire]

As I said TBF, I would want to continue seeing her even is she didn't want to be physical. I did say that. This is not about the sex. Well, not wholly. There is a fine person in there that I like very much.

But...you're not ready for a relationship and it appears that this is what she wants. You have to let her know that and make her own decision if she's willing to chance it or not. Make it clear though that it's at her own risk.

[Krytellan]

So I'm not looking for a FWB. But I do want to continue to go out without the physical, if necessary, until such time as I figure it out. Is that a bad thing if I lay the truth out there that I just can't commit to someone right now? Does that still constitute "stringing someone along"? Does it make me a scumbag if I do random things with other people while dating her on a non-intimate level?

 

Quoted for emphasis for those who think I just want to "hit her up".

[EnigmaXOXO]

I’m with the other gals on this one.

 

It isn’t an insult or blow to the self-esteem to discover you’re not exactly someone else’s perfect fit. Better to know that as soon as possible before deluding yourself otherwise. I’d have more respect for a man who thought enough of me “as a person” to give me the truth and allow me to make my own choice based on the information in front of me. As a matter of fact, I’d probably encourage him to remain true to himself and others as he continued on his journey towards self-discovery. I may even decide it’s worth sticking around for a little while so long as I was afforded the opportunity to readjust my own personal relationship boundaries to fit the situation.

 

In return, I’ve always found it best to be completely honest with the people I’ve met as well. To this day, I’ve never caused one hard feeling by being open and upfront about where I stood with any of my potential relationship partners. I realize that it isn’t always someone else’s cup-o-tea to date a divorcee or get too serious about someone who isn’t looking to remarry or start a family again. I accept and expect a certain amount of rejection from those who are looking for something different than what I have to offer. And at the end of the day, I’d feel even worse about myself if I had to “trick” someone into staying in a relationship with me until I’ve finally felt secure enough to make up my own fickle mind.

[Kamille]

We can only base our opinions on what he's stated in his posts. Sounds to me like he wants to have his cake and eat it too, as defined by SG.

 

Come on Kamille. If a guy doesn't know if he wants you exclusively, are you up to date him? If you date lite, that's a whole 'nother ball game but it should be stated upfront.

 

I think I am hanging on to this because I have been put in this exact situation recently. GRANTED, I didn't sleep with the guy but I was getting attached (or rather considering getting attached) when he told me he really liked spending time with me, would like to keep seeing me, but didn't feel he was ready for a relationship. I chose to walk away and I really appreciated being given that choice.

 

I still respect him, I feel that he respects me and I will be more then happy to see him again - and even go out with him again (he moved out of town for his job).