I've done it for the first time and I can't think clearly

[Star Gazer]

Am I to assume that her question was a very vague and lame way of establishing exclusivity?

 

At the very least, you should have known not to sleep with her until the answer to the "exclusivity question" had been answered one way or another.

 

I am as aware as them of the consequences of my actions, and I usually know when I'm in a casual or committed relationship, implied or not.

 

And Krtyie did too. He KNEW what sleeping with her would mean, believed they had an "implied relationship," and thought he had "sealed the deal" by having sex with her.

 

StarGazer, I can't find that quote that you have anywhere. Is it Kryt or yours?

 

Not mine. It's his:

 

The difficulty is that I just don't know if I can deny my downright boyish impulses to have fun while it may be my last opportunity. I just feel like I need to know what it's like.

 

That's cake and eat it too, man.

 

Come on Kamille. If a guy doesn't know if he wants you exclusively, are you up to date him? If you date lite, that's a whole 'nother ball game but it should be stated upfront.

 

Exactly, it's one thing if all you want is a casual fling. But that needs to be known up front - both people need to know this. As someone who does want a relationship and not some casual thing, I for one would absolutely NOT see a guy ever again who AFTER sleeping with me didn't know that he wanted me and me only. My va-jay-jay is not going to wait on a silver platter while he tasted other entrees. He!! no. And no self-respecting woman would allow that to happen either.

[Star Gazer]

I think I am hanging on to this because I have been put in this exact situation recently. GRANTED, I didn't sleep with the guy but I was getting attached (or rather considering getting attached) when he told me he really liked spending time with me, would like to keep seeing me, but didn't feel he was ready for a relationship. I chose to walk away and I really appreciated being given that choice.

 

I still respect him, I feel that he respects me and I will be more then happy to see him again - and even go out with him again (he moved out of town for his job).

 

Well, the lack of sex in this situation changes the equation entirely.

 

Would you still have respect for him and want to see him again if he had said the same thing to you only AFTER having sex with him? AFTER you felt there was an "implied relationship"??

[Trialbyfire]

Well, the lack of sex in this situation changes the equation entirely.

 

Would you still have respect for him and want to see him again if he had said the same thing to you only AFTER having sex with him? AFTER you felt there was an "implied relationship"??

Ba da bing... In an "implied" relationship style of dating, if we sleep with someone, we've invested.

[Krytellan]

At the very least, you should have known not to sleep with her until the answer to the "exclusivity question" had been answered one way or another.

 

OK, look. I'm a pretty considerate guy, more than a lot of men maybe. But at what point did it become my job to police my own and the emotional stance of my partner? You know, at no point did I coerce, encourage, or pressure her into this. We made the decision to do it. Neither of us mentioned being the only ones in each other's lives. I followed HER lead. If she asked, I answered. And I answered everything she asked and I answered it truthfully.

 

I understand your feelings on the matter SG, I just don't see why I'm the irresponsible jerk here. Before sleeping with her, I was unsure about where the relationship was headed. After the act, I freaked out. I freaked out and all that became clear to me is that I REALLY wasn't sure. I didn't bail on her. I am totally willing to address this issue head on.

 

I guess I'm just asking for some slack here. Even I am allowed to falter. Now that I have, I'm planning to address it head on.

[oppath]

My va-jay-jay is not going to wait on a silver platter while he tasted other entrees. He!! no. And no self-respecting woman would allow that to happen either.

 

APPLAUSE!!!!!! .

 

But where is her responsibility in this? It sounds like all the blame is being put on him for sleeping with her BEFORE an exclusivity talk. Does she not have an equal onus to ensure they are exclusive before sex?!? Sex happens...it is a choice both people make...but I do not know this woman. I've had women go on dates with me and sleep with me and they had NO intention of a relationship. True, it doesn't sound like this is the case. It does sound like she was hinting for more.

[Kamille]

Well, the lack of sex in this situation changes the equation entirely.

 

Would you still have respect for him and want to see him again if he had said the same thing to you only AFTER having sex with him? AFTER you felt there was an "implied relationship"??

 

But we don't know that she thinks that there is an implied relationship and you and TBF and I spend a lot of time on this forum telling other women that sex doesn't imply a relationship.

 

You also can't assume that because you, as a self-respecting woman, would leave a man who wanted to see other people, she would too.

 

No matter how we feel about Krytellan's actions, I think we all agree on the core issue: he needs to be honest with her.

 

As for the situation with my ex, it is hard for me to put myself in that position since I no longer do the casual sex thing, because, yes I agree with you that sex changes everything. Yet she had sex with him without them having the exclusivity talk so she is capable of assuming responsibility for her actions. She is also capable of making her own decisions and I think we all agree that it is only fair to her that he be honest with her. And from what I hear, he doesn't want to string her along.

[Star Gazer]

OK, look. I'm a pretty considerate guy, more than a lot of men maybe. But at what point did it become my job to police my own and the emotional stance of my partner? You know, at no point did I coerce, encourage, or pressure her into this. We made the decision to do it. Neither of us mentioned being the only ones in each other's lives. I followed HER lead. If she asked, I answered. And I answered everything she asked and I answered it truthfully.

 

I understand your feelings on the matter SG, I just don't see why I'm the irresponsible jerk here. Before sleeping with her, I was unsure about where the relationship was headed. After the act, I freaked out. I freaked out and all that became clear to me is that I REALLY wasn't sure. I didn't bail on her. I am totally willing to address this issue head on.

 

I guess I'm just asking for some slack here. Even I am allowed to falter. Now that I have, I'm planning to address it head on.

 

You're the one continually calling yourself a jerk on this and other threads. No one is saying that. No one is saying you only want to "hit this girl up." No one is saying you're solely responsible for her feelings. But YOU did, and YOU did come to us to find out what YOU should do and if YOU made a mistake and we're answering YOUR questions. That said, if you know a certain behavior is wrong, regardless of the other person's ability to protect themselves, you are partly responsible.

 

APPLAUSE!!!!!! .

 

But where is her responsibility in this? It sounds like all the blame is being put on him for sleeping with her BEFORE an exclusivity talk. Does she not have an equal onus to ensure they are exclusive before sex?!? Sex happens...it is a choice both people make...but I do not know this woman. I've had women go on dates with me and sleep with me and they had NO intention of a relationship. True, it doesn't sound like this is the case. It does sound like she was hinting for more.

 

Same answer as above. We're not charging men with the sole responsibility of protecting a woman's feelings and initiating "the talk."

[Star Gazer]

But we don't know that she thinks that there is an implied relationship and you and TBF and I spend a lot of time on this forum telling other women that sex doesn't imply a relationship.

 

You're mincing words. Sex does not CREATE a relationship. Sex does not CREATE emotional intimacy. But it DOES create an "implied relationship" (as you said, "sex changes everything"), hence the reason it's critical to have "the talk" before sleeping together.

 

You also can't assume that because you, as a self-respecting woman, would leave a man who wanted to see other people, she would too.

 

Sure I can. And I can also ask Krytie this question: Would you be okay with coming back to a woman you had slept with who waited around for you while you slept with other people? Would you, Krtyie, respect that woman? Really?

 

No matter how we feel about Krytellan's actions, I think we all agree on the core issue: he needs to be honest with her.

 

Absolutely. But that means giving her the ENTIRE, WHOLE, FULL truth, including the fact that he DOES want to date and/or sleep with other women - not just the pieces designed to keep her waiting around.

[wwjd]

allina made a great point in her first post to this thread.

 

as she and johan say, i don't think that what do say now will matter much. regardless of what you do or say, i believe that she will feel used and will think of you as no more than a jerk.

 

i also wonder the same thing as posh princess: surely your insecurities where there before you slept with her, and yet you are trying to find a way to pull away, after you slept with her? perhaps this is not how you intended it to be, but it is how it seems, nonetheless.

 

after reading this:

 

The difficulty is that I just don't know if I can deny my downright boyish impulses to have fun while it may be my last opportunity. I just feel like I need to know what it's like.

 

i truly do not understand how anyone thinks that you are not playing around with this girl. it's understandable that you are not feeling all that ready to be in a serious relationship, given past experiences. it is also understandable that you just want to date around, to have fun. what is not understandable, however, is that now you are trying to get her to "slow down" after you have slept with her.

 

i frankly do not see how it is possible that all of your insecurities magnified and spilled out only after bedding her. regardless of how you meant it, in all honesty, it doesn't speak well of your character, imo.

 

you yourself said that there was some type of "implied exclusivity," correct? well, at that moment, when you felt things were perhaps leading into a direction that you did not desire, you should have been frank with both she and yourself. if she had wanted to be intimate with you despite being honest with your thoughts, feelings, and intentions of not wanting more than something casual, then there would have been no problem. but that is not the case. the case is that you were unsure of what you wanted and yet readily slept with her, and now, after you've "sealed the deal," you are ready to let her loose.

 

frankly, the whole "she's a great person, and i still want to talk to her" story is one i'm not believing. if you truly thought this way about her, you would have been more careful or more ready to accept the consequences, which you aren't.

 

i think that this girl thought you guys were going to be exclusive, and that upon sleeping with you, maybe then you would be. perhaps this was wrong on her part, if she thought this way, but you can't control her thoughts and actions; you can only control your own. and yours weren't all that good.

 

i'd suggest that you tell her the truth and leave her alone, if that's what she wants. regardless, be prepared to have her think of you as a jerk who only wanted to jump her...

 

...which is what i happen to think you wanted to do.

[Trialbyfire]

Krytellan, the reason I'm being so hard on you is because of a recent experience when a guy spoke with forked tongue. Bad news. Don't be like that. Make your words jive with your actions.

[Star Gazer]

you yourself said that there was some type of "implied exclusivity," correct? well, at that moment, when you felt things were perhaps leading into a direction that you did not desire, you should have been frank with both she and yourself. if she had wanted to be intimate with you despite being honest with your thoughts, feelings, and intentions of not wanting more than something casual, then there would have been no problem. but that is not the case. the case is that you were unsure of what you wanted and yet readily slept with her, and now, after you've "sealed the deal," you are ready to let her loose.

 

i think that this girl thought you guys were going to be exclusive, and that upon sleeping with you, maybe then you would be. perhaps this was wrong on her part, if she thought this way, but you can't control her thoughts and actions; you can only control your own. and yours weren't all that good.

 

i'd suggest that you tell her the truth and leave her alone, if that's what she wants.

 

This is a good point. It comes down to knowledge vs. lack of knowledge.

 

Krytie, you KNEW how she felt - whether you were omniscient or there was some overt piece of information, you knew. You knew it was "sealing the deal" with her, and you went ahead and slept with her anyway without clearing the air. That's borderline cruel, IMO.

 

She, on the other hand, was willfully naive. She's certainly partially responsible for the hurt she's about to endure, but at least she didn't engage in a form of intentional deception.

 

Now before you wig out on me here, let me be clear. I do believe you're generally a good, decent man. I do believe you're compassionate. But I also believe that given your history and your posts in this thread and others, you feel that this is your "chance" to sew your oats, so to speak. You now feel it is your "right" to be selfish. Perhaps that's true. However, I completely disagree with the manner in which you're doing it.

 

Regardless of your past relationships, you should never deprive another person of the respect they deserve. In order to give this woman respect, you must allow her to make her own decisions. If you're in any way manipulating the information she's using to make those decisions, she's not making the decision herself - you are. Not cool. Therefore, be honest. COMPLETELY honest.

 

You've already done the deed, so there's no point in continuing to harp on you for it. Hopefully you won't have sex with another woman without broaching the subject and coming to a mutual understand first.

[underpants]

OK, look. I'm a pretty considerate guy, more than a lot of men maybe. But at what point did it become my job to police my own and the emotional stance of my partner?

 

When you took the relationship to the next level.

 

You know, at no point did I coerce, encourage, or pressure her into this. We made the decision to do it. Neither of us mentioned being the only ones in each other's lives. I followed HER lead. If she asked, I answered. And I answered everything she asked and I answered it truthfully.

 

I am sure that you did. You seem like a cool dude. You are still struggling though.

 

I understand your feelings on the matter SG, I just don't see why I'm the irresponsible jerk here. Before sleeping with her, I was unsure about where the relationship was headed. After the act, I freaked out. I freaked out and all that became clear to me is that I REALLY wasn't sure. I didn't bail on her. I am totally willing to address this issue head on.

 

I don't think anyone thinks of you as a jerk. I don't, however I can see that some women may perceive the ...flaking as jerk behavior. That is all I think that some are trying to open your eyes to see.

 

I guess I'm just asking for some slack here. Even I am allowed to falter. Now that I have, I'm planning to address it head on.

 

You will figure this out man. Really that is what we are all here trying to do. The problem I see with the cake eater thing. Is that no one really wins in the end with that mentality. Just a personal observation I notice here and IRL. As well as with my mad date friend. He can never get back the chance he had with a good woman because she gave up on him after he jumped into the cornflake box.

 

It is all a risk. Love is a risk.

 

You do need to talk with her and I see that you plan to. Just be careful and respectful with the hearts of others.

 

Good luck.

[oppath]

Regardless of your past relationships, you should never deprive another person of the respect they deserve. In order to give this woman respect, you must allow her to make her own decisions. If you're in any way manipulating the information she's using to make those decisions, she's not making the decision herself - you are.

 

Agreed. I am HUGE on this, going so far as to assert over and over again on LS that failure to disclose information that could allow another person to make an informed decision about his/her life is abusive.

 

Krytellan, however, recognized right away he needs to discuss this with her. I applaud him for that. He has no desire to mislead her in any way. He does like her. He is confused and still battling the demons from his past relationships and appears scared to make himself vulnerable right now. We've all been there. And most of us, men and women, have not acted with the care he wants to. He is here because he wants to handle this in the most caring, respectful way to her. The situation he finds himself in...most of us of both genders have been on BOTH ends of it. I want to say: Krytellan, you are handling this really well. You've made no mistakes. You've put yourself in a situation that is very common. You did not know how you would handle the intimacy that can come with sex; you could not know this until it happened. Don't for a second think negatively about yourself, you are handling this with a lot of class.

[Krytellan]

Thanks oppath. And thanks to everyone, even SG and TBF for the posts. This has been so incredibly helpful and motivating... you have no idea. I find myself in a situation I have only heard others talk about and never thought would happen to me. But I know what to do. You all gave good insight.

[fray718]

wow i hate to say it but i think you'd be considered a jerk/loser in most of the female population's eyes. But anyway, keep us updated

[lino]

I think you're handling it well Krytellan.

[Krytellan]

I think you're handling it well Krytellan.

 

Thanks. I'm trying.

[dropdeadlegs]

First, I don't think you did anything wrong. She could just as easily have had any "exclusivity" talk as you. That Craigslist mention could have been her opening to that talk. But she didn't elaborate.

 

I believe that sex is a 50/50 action, either party can excuse themselves at any point. Sure, many believe that having intimate relations means exclusivity, but unless that has been verbally declared, I think it's still open season.

 

I have posted before that I have never had the "exclusivity talk" and things have worked out okay for me. I KNOW when it's exclusive, even without the talk. If I choose to have sex, well, I choose to have sex. I may be in the minority, but I'm a big girl and take responsibility for my OWN actions without degrading others for theirs.

 

The problem here is how to keep her interests ( because you are interested, just not committed) without guaranteeing exclusivity from this point forward. That's tricky but I'm all about honesty being the best policy. Assuming she even asks. Of course if she has made assumptions that you have crossed into another level, I have to go along with those who suggest that you be clear that you intend to date others. I don't assume that you intend to sleep with them because that cannot be assumed from my POV.

 

Who knows, she may be dating others, too and have no implied exclusivity either.

 

There's not enough info to go on yet, but it's Friday!

[4Q2]

I believe that sex is a 50/50 action, either party can excuse themselves at any point. Sure, many believe that having intimate relations means exclusivity, but unless that has been verbally declared, I think it's still open season.

 

I have posted before that I have never had the "exclusivity talk" and things have worked out okay for me. I KNOW when it's exclusive, even without the talk. If I choose to have sex, well, I choose to have sex. I may be in the minority, but I'm a big girl and take responsibility for my OWN actions without degrading others for theirs.

 

Who knows, she may be dating others, too and have no implied exclusivity either.

 

There's not enough info to go on yet, but it's Friday!

 

I concur. Well spoken.

I love how some women in this thread project themselves onto Krytellan's dating partner and assume she is just like they are. So sad.

If Krytellan and her want to have sex together that's their choice they are adults and amenable for their own choices and actions.

[4givrnt4gtr]

ohhh ive been here....

My initial reaction was to cross my guy off as a jerk. But then i realized he never pressured me (just politely asked), i just ASSUMED we were in an exclusive relationship when we werent. (My bad...and i assumed full responsibility for it)

I had a choice to make once he made clear we werent yet exclusive. I had to take into consideration how he treats me, if i felt used, if, from what he said, i was in a "never gonna happen" relationship or more in a "lets not jump into it" relationship. Also helped that he assured me wasnt seeing anyone, nor was likely to since he's busy and "dont have the energy to", but didnt want to put the heaviness of a label into what we have just yet. Sure i may be naive, but i had the choice to believe whatever i wanted. And thats only because he allowed me to make that choice by being completely honest.

All this happened after a month of dating...(yes i know totally naive of me), I chose to stay, and now we're going on almost three months. So far so good, i dont regret my decision, but i also know im solely responsible if things dont turn out the way i want them to.

My point is that its best to give her all the information necessary so she can make her decision as best as she can. If she wants to go, its her call, if she wants to stay, she knows what she is getting into.

 

Good luck, let us know what happened after u talk to her

[Trialbyfire]

So how did the talk go last night Krytellan?

[Krytellan]

So how did the talk go last night Krytellan?

 

Wow, no pressure huh?

 

We had the talk after dinner. The topic had come up and she said that she realized we had never really had the exclusivity discussion. So we did then. She said she was not seeing anyone else, and I said there were a few people I was talking to and that I wasn't ruling out the possibility of seeing any one of them in the future. I told her I really appreciated the relationship we have and that I would respect any thoughts she has on the matter, and that I would want to continue seeing even if she felt the need to remove the sexual aspect of the relationship. Basically, I told her I have a history of investing in people too quickly and that I can't let that happen again.

 

She basically said she had no problem with it and that she would just want to know if I was considering a sexual relationship with another person. So on that we agreed and we had a fun night/morning.

 

All is well and no one is being used. Thanks for all the input LS. It's nice to have gotten the talk out of the way.

 

Any haters?

[Trialbyfire]

Excellent Krytellan!! Everything clearly out in the open so both parties can choose to opt in or out without any misunderstandings.

[livebuzzwords]

[ man isnt ready to commit right away is because he is waiting for "the next best thing". Its a common fear....and a lot of women, once a man backtracks, will break it off to avoid later heartache. This is why, if you're gonna tell her you dont want commitment right now, you MUST make sure she knows you're not out to play her.

 

I KNOW WHAT I AM GETTING INTO, AND THIS HAS NOT BEING AN OVERNIGHT, PASSING THOUGHT - I HAVE WORKED TO GET HERE. I AM NOT AFRAID OF COMMITMENT - I EMBRACE IT AND BECAUSE THIS IS A NEW R, WITH ISSUES INVOLVED WE GO SLOW AND DO THINGS RIGHT. THIS TIME IT WORKS

[Krytellan]

I KNOW WHAT I AM GETTING INTO, AND THIS HAS NOT BEING AN OVERNIGHT, PASSING THOUGHT - I HAVE WORKED TO GET HERE. I AM NOT AFRAID OF COMMITMENT - I EMBRACE IT AND BECAUSE THIS IS A NEW R, WITH ISSUES INVOLVED WE GO SLOW AND DO THINGS RIGHT. THIS TIME IT WORKS

 

I'm sorry, what???