Star Gazer Posted August 27, 2007 Share Posted August 27, 2007 She basically said she had no problem with it and that she would just want to know if I was considering a sexual relationship with another person. You just walked right into a trap, one where she will really think you lead her on despite this talk. Eventually she's going to get hurt; however, I can whole heartedly say that it will be her fault and her fault alone. See, thing is...you are already "considering a sexual relationship" with other women because you're not willing to commit to only sleeping with her from this point forward. From her perspective, right now she's your one and only and will be until/unless you tell her you're interested in sleeping with someone else. This situation is really no different than an exclusive relationship... Does that make sense? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Krytellan Posted August 27, 2007 Author Share Posted August 27, 2007 See, thing is...you are already "considering a sexual relationship" with other women because you're not willing to commit to only sleeping with her from this point forward. From her perspective, right now she's your one and only and will be until/unless you tell her you're interested in sleeping with someone else. This situation is really no different than an exclusive relationship... Does that make sense? I do understand and was thinking about that last night. If I were to sleep with someone else, I would basically have to "break up" with her in the process. So essentially, it does have the feel of a committed relationship. In a moment of clarity while getting ready for work this morning, I questioned whether I could stomach doing what I'm doing to this girl. Keep in mind, I don't see her solely as a FWB. I do have a concrete interest in her as a person and as a partner, honest, I just don't know for sure yet. Maybe that means I don't like her enough... I've never been in a situation like this. I'm waiting for the "click" that tells me yes or no. There's just a part of me that no matter how much I "do the right thing", will feel a little weird about the way this is shaking out. Is it just because I'm new at this? Link to post Share on other sites
Sleek Geek Posted August 27, 2007 Share Posted August 27, 2007 Somehow I think the best way to deal with all of this is to revert to not having sex together up until you do have a clearer idea. Despite what she may want or feel confortable with. Once you know better, then you can offer a FWB arrangement, decide to bail altogether or perhaps manage to commit to something. It's not like you have to have sex whenever it's available just because you're a guy. The situation is not making you confortable. Therefore it is up to you to see to your well being (your own notions of integrity) - and she will most likely benefit from it as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted August 27, 2007 Share Posted August 27, 2007 I do understand and was thinking about that last night. If I were to sleep with someone else, I would basically have to "break up" with her in the process. So essentially, it does have the feel of a committed relationship. If it feels like one to you, it most certainly feels like one to her. And yes, if you do decide to end things with her, there will have to be a "break up." In a moment of clarity while getting ready for work this morning, I questioned whether I could stomach doing what I'm doing to this girl. Keep in mind, I don't see her solely as a FWB. I do have a concrete interest in her as a person and as a partner, honest, I just don't know for sure yet. Maybe that means I don't like her enough... I've never been in a situation like this. I'm waiting for the "click" that tells me yes or no. There's just a part of me that no matter how much I "do the right thing", will feel a little weird about the way this is shaking out. Is it just because I'm new at this? I don't think so. I've been having similar doubts and questions in my mind regarding one of the guys I'm seeing. We've been on about six dates now, and I have yet to sleep with him. I think he's getting frustrated with that, but I just don't "know for sure yet" that I'm willing to discontinue dating other dudes. I know what sleeping with him will mean to him, as well as to myself, so I'm not willing to cross that bridge yet. But the more I continue to see him, the more confused I find myself. I've asked myself a thousand times if the problem is that I don't like him "enough" ... or whether I'm just not used to dating someone who treats me as well as he does (part of the whole "he's too good/nice/sweet for me" type of problem). I guess only time will tell, but I feel like there's a looming deadline approaching... Link to post Share on other sites
Sleek Geek Posted August 27, 2007 Share Posted August 27, 2007 I've been having similar doubts and questions in my mind regarding one of the guys I'm seeing. We've been on about six dates now, and I have yet to sleep with him. I think he's getting frustrated with that, but I just don't "know for sure yet" that I'm willing to discontinue dating other dudes. I know what sleeping with him will mean to him, as well as to myself, so I'm not willing to cross that bridge yet. But the more I continue to see him, the more confused I find myself. I've asked myself a thousand times if the problem is that I don't like him "enough" ... or whether I'm just not used to dating someone who treats me as well as he does (part of the whole "he's too good/nice/sweet for me" type of problem). I guess only time will tell, but I feel like there's a looming deadline approaching... Kind of sounds like me and I'm trying to figure out why I have this reflex! Is this a pattern for you or is it just this one time? (Sorry for the cardinal sin of threadjacking Krytellan). Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted August 27, 2007 Share Posted August 27, 2007 Kind of sounds like me and I'm trying to figure out why I have this reflex! Is this a pattern for you or is it just this one time? (Sorry for the cardinal sin of threadjacking Krytellan). First time. I'm not sure what it is... I just don't feel an intense amount of *magic* with him, but I feel incredibly comfortable, safe, and just all around great when I'm with him. He has all the qualities I'm looking for - the problem appears to reside solely with me. Link to post Share on other sites
Sleek Geek Posted August 27, 2007 Share Posted August 27, 2007 First time. I'm not sure what it is... I just don't feel an intense amount of *magic* with him, but I feel incredibly comfortable, safe, and just all around great when I'm with him. He has all the qualities I'm looking for - the problem appears to reside solely with me. In my case I've realized it's a pattern. I always freak out when I'm with a guy who is actually available, ready for a relationship, etc. By default, I therefore have a tendency to fall for commitment phobic guys -they're the only ones I'm confortable with. I can't figure out why. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Krytellan Posted August 28, 2007 Author Share Posted August 28, 2007 So, interesting update. We got together for dinner tonight. Afterwards we were hanging out and she brings the "talk" up again, from the weekend. She tells me that in having time to process it, that she has a different opinion than she did before. She said that where she was at in life is that she was looking for someone to emotionally connect with and someone that she can feel comfortable giving herself up to in that respect. I told her that I liked her and that I do truly enjoy the time we have when hanging out together. I said that at this point in my life I don't want to continue to invest in people that I can't yet be sure about and that I was a tad bit nervous about the fact that she has had only a minor emotional connection with a man since her husband died (sorry, that was never important to mention until now) and so I wanted to give her time to "freak out" on me, which she actually respected. So the point is we agreed to cut off the sexual part of the relationship until such time as I can decide that I am willing to give it an honest go. Until then, she is happy to continue dating under that pretense. So there we are. Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 Oh, she counter slammed... You are not quite in the cornflake box but who knows how you will catch air??? The widow thing is a new twist and I am glad I had some foresight by qualifying the monkey wretch/personality ideas. How long since she has been widowed? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Krytellan Posted August 28, 2007 Author Share Posted August 28, 2007 How long since she has been widowed? Saturday was the 2 year anniversary of his death. We have discussed both her and my marriage and I can say that I do have faith she's ready to move on. At least I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. He died from a 4 year long battle with cancer... it wasn't a sudden thing. As for the counter slam, yeah, nothing but net. But I'm actually incredibly all right with it. I respect it a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 Saturday was the 2 year anniversary of his death. We have discussed both her and my marriage and I can say that I do have faith she's ready to move on. At least I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. He died from a 4 year long battle with cancer... it wasn't a sudden thing. As for the counter slam, yeah, nothing but net. But I'm actually incredibly all right with it. I respect it a lot. Sat??? Is not that the day you two did the deed??? Oh, Holey damage corners bat man!!! Did you know about any of this?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Krytellan Posted August 28, 2007 Author Share Posted August 28, 2007 Well, yeah. Friday night actually, but yeah... Saturday too, but it wasn't the first time. What's the big deal? Not everyone is a fragile wreck you know. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 Well played friend! When you first put this up, I didnt weigh in because of my moderately similar situation. Way to fix this situation up! Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 krytellan, imagine what a disaster this would have been if you hadn't had your discussion. Now both of you fully understand each other's position and if you continue dating, it will be under no illusions or unreasonable expectations. Btw, your original read on her was dead on. She is the relationship type woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Krytellan Posted August 28, 2007 Author Share Posted August 28, 2007 This isn't fair. In my new found freedom, I wasn't supposed to come across someone I actually like and respect so soon. DAMMIT!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 Well, yeah. Friday night actually, but yeah... Saturday too, but it wasn't the first time. What's the big deal? Not everyone is a fragile wreck you know. "Fragile wreck"? Wow. No offense, K, but that makes you sound like...a meanie, to put it nicely. You said yourself that she hasn't had anything more than a minor emotional connection since her husband died. The anniversary of her husband's death was this past weekend when y'all had sex. I honestly expected a lot more understanding and empathy out of you. Link to post Share on other sites
VinaAmez Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 All I have to say is next time make sure your intentions are known first. Everyone knows that or at least should. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Krytellan Posted August 28, 2007 Author Share Posted August 28, 2007 Some of you just blow me away with your superior attitudes. May we all strive to be perfect someday. Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 Some of you just blow me away with your superior attitudes. May we all strive to be perfect someday. Don't get defensive. I apologise if anything I said was of any offense. Just offering a perspective and maybe a potential glimpse, being how I am a girl and all. Sounds like you really do like this woman and I think that the decision to put the brakes on the intimacy was the correct thing to do for both parties. That does suck that you found a good one on your first time out of the gate. Hmmm, what to do, what to do? At least you are dating and exploring yourself and other people. Remove the chip that your ex put on your shoulder and enjoy life. Just keep it respectful, honest and be open to the possibility that the Universe might just be on your side and you will fair well. Good luck Kryt. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 This isn't fair. In my new found freedom, I wasn't supposed to come across someone I actually like and respect so soon. DAMMIT!!! :) What's that annoying catch phrase the happy people in happy couples always harp about? That line you know? Something like: Stop looking. It always happen when you least expect it? Don't worry man. Maybe I just jinxed you by pointing it out and therefore your new found freedom is still all yours and none to share. If I didn't, then, well, good for you! Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 This isn't fair. In my new found freedom, I wasn't supposed to come across someone I actually like and respect so soon. DAMMIT!!! Right, because if you didn't like and respect her, it would be okay to treat her like a used condom. Some of you just blow me away with your superior attitudes. May we all strive to be perfect someday. Then stop PM'ing me and begging me for advice. That's the last you'll get outta me. Link to post Share on other sites
nicki Posted August 29, 2007 Share Posted August 29, 2007 Kry, you sound scared that maybe you have found someone good. Does it matter when it happens? Even if you had a string of women under your belt, you would still come full circle back to wanting a special woman to love. Do you want her more than you want to date others? Why not just date her exclusively and see where it goes. Even if you break up in a month, so what. Even if you meet someone else and want to leave, so what? Then that would tell you that your relationship is not so good afterall. It happens all the time How will you know unless you give it a chance? (if that's what you want and can commit to only her.) Shortly after I left my ex husband, I met a wonderful guy. I was afraid to settle down with the first guy who came along...but I really liked him and enjoyed being with him. I constantly had thoughts about going out with other guys and not wanting to cut off all my options. BUT, those thoughts went away the longer I dated only him. The scales tipped away from dating lots of guys and toward keeping him. Ironically, HE actually brought up the worry he had about ME not dating enough before having an exclusive relationship with him. He didn't want to fall in love with me, only to have me bail to date other guys. Anyway, long story short, he said "Let's give it a go. You let me know what you need, and if what you need changes. You are free to go at anytime. But I hope we will continue to grow together." That was JUST what I needed to hear. We didn't stay together forever, but it was wonderful for quite a long time. So, date other women if that's what you want. Date only her if you want. Don't worry about having it all figured out. No one does. But, don't date her and date other women, too. You have slept with her. In her book, that makes you "hers." It's just too painful to go backwards after going forward. I've never allowed my status with a guy to be reduced, only increased. If you want to date other women, then go do it. Will you miss her? Will you be jealous thinking about another guy getting all of her love? If so, maybe you want a shot to see where things go with her. It doesn't have to last forever, you know. It can last as long as you want it to. Sorry if I have been rambling. Good luck! You are a thoughtful and considerate guy. Whatever happens will be the right thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Krytellan Posted August 29, 2007 Author Share Posted August 29, 2007 Then stop PM'ing me and begging me for advice. That's the last you'll get outta me. Seriously. Why would I PM you when all you do is criticize me? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Krytellan Posted August 29, 2007 Author Share Posted August 29, 2007 Thanks for your support and advice everyone. I have made a few step in the right direction and in spite of that, I think I'm on pace to have it all blow up in my face anyway. One way or another I have a feeling that there is a hard learned lesson for me in here somewhere. I can't seem to stop making the situation more complicated with each passing night. *sigh* Just got back from 311 though. And maintaining 3rd row in a mosh pit is not what it used to be when I was 23. Am I getting too freakin old or are people a little more persistent in the pits nowadays? Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted August 29, 2007 Share Posted August 29, 2007 Just got back from 311 though. And maintaining 3rd row in a mosh pit is not what it used to be when I was 23. Am I getting too freakin old or are people a little more persistent in the pits nowadays? We are getting too old. Sad but true- I prefer to enjoy gigs these days when my face ISN"T pushed into someone armpit. Link to post Share on other sites
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