Siggy Posted March 28, 2003 Share Posted March 28, 2003 Hi! I was dating an older man ( Im 23,hes 36) for 7 months (We also lived together for a month), but he broke up with me saying that he didnt want to ruin my life. We are still really good friends-We enjoy each others company and have the same love for music. So we go out to concerts and events together. Only as friends. THe probelm is that we are both EXTREMLY attracted to each other. He came to visit and not even 5 mins into the door we were ripping each others clothes off! I love him a great deal, but he keeps saying that he doesnt want to lose me as a friend. He always says no matter what happens we will always be good friends. I had to finally tell him that I dont think I could be friends with him anymore. I am deeply in love with him and that eventhough we have mindblowing sex, it is more than sex to me, It means something to me. I could not pretend to not feel anything for him. but all he said was that we could just hang out with each other and still go to concerts-which means no more sex. So we promised each other since were friends-and friends dont have sex with each other. Im fine with that. But when we are around each other he is affectionate to me-hugs me, kisses me, touches me like he did when we were dating. When he visists and spends the night (cause he lives 1-1 1/2 away), I will put on pajamas, but he sleeps naked-just like he did when we were dating. Im SO confused because I feel like his actions are speaking louder than his words. He says he wants to be just friends, but then gives me all these mixed signals. He calls me all the time to "See how Im doing"...He invites me to spend the weekend with him. But Im hesitate because being around him in our old apartment, it invokes so many feelings... Im very confused...I dont know how to talk about this with him...can you help me out??? Link to post Share on other sites
witchbreed Posted March 28, 2003 Share Posted March 28, 2003 Seems to me, that for whatever reasons, he is not willing to commit himself. Now, if you had split both wanting to split and become friends again or if you both just liked the other as a friend with the occasional casual sex, that might be OK. But the way you tell the story, you are emotionally still bonded, you are still in love. Staying friends now, and him sleeping over at your place - you will stay in limbo. Hoping that he will see how good your relationsship is and finally commit. I dont think he will though. You are letting yourself in to a lot of hurt this way. In any casual affair, if one invests more feeling then mutually agreed, thats the one who will get hurt. In your shoes, I would tell him, that your still in love and that at the time being, seeing him, will let you continue to hope, that the two of you will pick up the love-relationsship again. That you cant see him, till you have overcome your love for him and are really able to cope with having lost him. As a friend he should be able to understand that you need time and that seeing him now, is basicly just causing you further hope and therefore pain. I can relate, that you still want to see him and I guess that you do hope to win him back. But at the moment you are in a no win situation and furthermore he has all he wants out of this setup, but where is his consideration for your feelings, where is the respect? Maybe somewhere in the future, the two of you will be able to be friends again, but aslong as one of you just wants friendship (and maybe casual sex) and one of you wants a relationsship, there is no way of being close friends. Tell him, that you have to stop seeing him, because you still love him and desire him, but that you have too much self respect to let yourself be hurt more. Maybe, "loosing" you alltogether, he will see what he is missing and come back willing to commit and maybe he will not. But at least you know where you stand and where to go from there. Sometimes its better to ampute, even though it hurts like hell, then to let a wound fester and in time poison the whole body. I wish you all the best. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted March 28, 2003 Share Posted March 28, 2003 For your own mental health, you need to sever all ties with this guy. There is simply no way a friendship can work when one is in love and the other is unwilling to go in that direction. I've been there many times and I know. You are only putting yourself through hell by being with him hoping that he will change his mind. He's also a real a**h*** for the way he is teasing you. He is cruel beyond imagination, to kiss you...hug you...sleep naked next to you...knowing how you feel about him and being unwilling to reciprocate. Dump this guy immediately unless you want to suffer depression the rest of your life. Link to post Share on other sites
ThisGirlNameKD Posted March 29, 2003 Share Posted March 29, 2003 PLEASE leave this guy alone, and do not let him mess with your head. If somebody can not live by the words coming from their mouth, he's not worth it. He's saying one thing and doing another. HOWEVER, he's doing one thing and saying another because you are allowing him to. This man is telling you over and over again that he doesn't want to be in a serious relationship with you. But both of you are still carrying on like you're in a romantic relationship. If you want clarity, leave him alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted March 29, 2003 Share Posted March 29, 2003 He so thinks you are whipped by the cock. Tell him that you are not comfortable by him sleeping naked. Or, if he has to sleep naked, maybe you should sleep on the couch, or make him sleep on the couch. You need to let him know that what you said was for real...you wanna be friends...ONLY. Let him know that the kisses and hugs aren't ok. When he does it, tell him thats now how you act with friends. Mind games suck...and make sure he knows you won't be suckin either....and you MEANT it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Siggy Posted April 1, 2003 Author Share Posted April 1, 2003 Thanks Guys! I guess I keep hoping that he will want to be more than friends. I will talk to him about it this weekend because the whole situation is causing me alot of pain. I want to get over him but it is extremly hard. Your right, I definetly need to stay away from him. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted April 1, 2003 Share Posted April 1, 2003 I bet a lot of guys would like to be in his position. He can have sex whenever he wants, with a younger woman, and he takes no responsibility for it. That is so manipulative of him. He teases you all the time, probably hoping that you will initiate sex, and he doesn't have to bear any burden of guilt or responsibility for it because you two haven't agreed to be in a relationship. Pick yourself up from in front of the door, wipe the muddy boot prints off and leave him, and your doormat, days behind you. Link to post Share on other sites
Kidd Seuss Posted April 2, 2003 Share Posted April 2, 2003 [color=darkred]He is testing your conviction of your decision of no sex. If he's doing all these things, avoid the situation. Stop sleeping over, for one. If he starts trying to hold your hand or brush against you in a relationship kind of way, then back off and if he doesn't catch the hint, sit him down and explain it to him. He's trying to have his cake and eat it too. Don't let him fool you into giving up the sex without committing. Then you become the male equivalent of a vibrator. Drew [/color] Link to post Share on other sites
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