How do you deal with resentments in your realtionship?

[mockeryjones]

I'm curious about how you all think resentments are best handled in a married / long term relationship? Do you air them as soon as you feel them or do you tend to let things slide until they can slide no more? What have you found to be the best way to work through resentments?

[quankanne]

talking them through. But waiting long enough so that I can communicate without accusing, and sometimes that can be very hard to do, especially when I feel like I'm getting the bad end of the deal and I want him to know just how much it bugs me.

 

putting it jokingly can also help diffuse the resentment, though that's also something to be careful about because it can come out snidely ...

[PandorasBox]

IMO, I think too, its good when you have a spouse who is willing to work on the marriage, listen to each other, and try to be understanding of things. However, for me, I was the only one who worked on my marriage, so I didn't have that support from my spouse of him wanting to work on things with me or meet me half way, so that made me build up even more resentment towards him for not wanting to work on things with me. So in my case I ended things. I'm not saying that is the answer at all, but it is much harder to do when one is wanting to work on things and try to move past things and the other is not.

[portableversion]

not good to wait but timing is a factor--- don't unload heavy stuff before people are going to work or things like that--- kinda depends what the issue is though-- also take ownership of emotions (hey when you said this to me i felt this.....)

 

start with affirmations of love ( i love you AND i can still feel mad when i hear this....)

 

the conversations need to be in a non-stressed time where adequate free time is available and privacy to (depending on issue)

[Trialbyfire]

I'll tell you what not to do. Never let too many things slide because they seem insignificant per incident.

 

Always look at the bigger picture to see if there is a significant pattern to different incidents. This technique allows you to see if there are any serious underlying issues. If you run around putting out little fires, you tend to miss the blaze.

[popey]

I think certain resentments can be minor, and therefor you should first attempt to try to work them out in your own head, or through talking with friends. Anyone could get exhausted hearing **** all the time.

 

But if it continues to bother you, it could be something that is just a matter of the two of you viewing it through a totally different lense, and therfor talk will make it all better.

[silktricks]

I agree, it's important to spend some time inside of yourself dealing with the reality of the resentment. There's a high probability that some alone time will resolve the issue. However, if it doesn't resolve itself within a very short period of time (hours, not days) then it's imperative that a discussion is begun to work on the issues together.

 

The reason I say hours, not days, is that it is very easy to shove things under the covers. An issue that is unresolved is not an issue that will go away, it is an issue that has the potential of explosion of the entire relationship.

[StayClose]

I would have to say "not very well."

 

My wife does not react well to anything she perceives as criticism or insults, and she is quick to interpret anything as an insult. This makes anything I don't like about what she does a very sensitive matter. It doesn't help to use non-threatening or non-confrontational language, because she looks between the lines for insults. The only way to avoid insulting her is to be so vague she doesn't know what I'm saying, and then she complains I'm not ccommunicating clearly.

 

I tend to not worry about small stuff, so I find it easier to try to ignore small stuff. However, the small stuff can accumulate into a bigger pile.

 

From my wife's perspective, since she tends to be hyper-sensitive and sees insults and criticisms where there are not. She's very critical of herself, so she reads criticism into things I do and say where there is none. She has resentments toward me that I am demeaning and insulting to her. I explain to her I don't say demaining and insulting things, she's just misinterpreting things that way, she takes that as me saying she's crazy.

[IpAncA]

I'm curious about how you all think resentments are best handled in a married / long term relationship? Do you air them as soon as you feel them or do you tend to let things slide until they can slide no more? What have you found to be the best way to work through resentments?

 

What kind of resentments are we talking about here?

[CynicalP]

Most of my resentment is directed at myself with the choices and decisions I made though I didn't possess the knowledge nor experience to make the 'correct' decision at the time.