no passion

[Teethgrinder]

Just want to take a survey: How much of a warning sign is it for a married couple to only have sex once every 5-6 weeks. We have been married less than 2 years, and my wife has never had any interest in sex.

 

In fact, she told me during the act that she does not enjoy it and states that any woman that says she enjoys it has to be lying.

 

I understand that some woman are incapabable of climaxing during the act, and I have tried to be understanding. In fact, I even went out and purchased a sex toy for her... She was receptive at first and seemed to enjoy it, then stated, "It feels too weird..." I can understand that.

 

Anyway, the bottom line is that I feel that I have sacrificed my sex life to live with a passionless woman. Frankly speaking, life without sex seems like an immeasurably long and joyless life.

 

Am I selfish to want to split up?

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "Am I selfish to want to split up?"

 

It's far more honorable to split up than it is to commit adultery. I don't understand why you got married in the first place if you knew she wasn't interested in sex and it was so much more important to you....a mistake you shouldn't make again.

 

In the normal course of marriage, interest in sex usually diminishes for one or both partners over a period of time....but not to nearly the extent as yours and not as soon.

 

From a religious perspective, even in the Christian bible the conjugal rights...or sexual obligations....of married people one to the other are discussed in detail. So you've got some support in that area, whatever your beliefs may be.

 

You are correct that sex is extremely important and a basic desire, or need, of human beings.

 

If you love your wife otherwise and want to give it one last chance, you might think about going to a sex therapist or counsellor. You may even have her examined by a good medical doctor or gynecologist.

 

Is she able to have an orgasm via masturbation or other means? Maybe there are some things out there that could sexually stimulate her...or perhaps there are medical reasons she is not interested in sex. Is she under a lot of stress? See if you can get to the bottom of this if you have the will.

 

If the problem can't be solved, you need to leave. But be kind and understanding. I'm sure there's nothing in the world she would love more than a good orgasm if she was able to have one. Consider her problem an illness or a disease. All sane people like to be sexually aroused and satisfied, other things being equal.

 

If you don't solve this and you don't leave the relationship, anger and resentment will grow and destroy it anyway. Get out now if you must so the two of you can remain friends. But do try some of my last resort suggestions first.

 

My own take on this is that there are SERIOUS communications problems in your relationship. If the two of you had a good understanding of each other, you would have known of this problem long long ago...and you would already know exactly what is in her head. Very possibly she has been damaged psychologically from past abuse or some traumatic situation she hasn't told you. That's why I suggest seeing a counsellor first. Of course, the healing process could take a long time.

[HokeyReligions]

Were you and your wife sexually active before marriage?

 

If so:

Was she interested then? Was sex more frequent?

 

You both may need some counseling and your wife should be checked out by a doctor - there are a lot of illnesses that have decreased sexual feelings as a symptom. Some medicines cause that too.

 

The counseling is for the emotional turmoil that you both are feeling. She probably feels guilty and sad because she's not fulfilling your needs and that can make her feel even worse about sex itself.

 

If she was never interested in sex you should have known that going into the marriage. Think back and see if you can remember anything she might have told you about her past relationships / upbringing that may have something to do with her lack of interest. Or was there anything in your relationship with her that would cause a sudden change?

 

I certainly would not give up on the marriage because of this. You took vows for better or worse right? Don't run away, work to resolve this.

 

 

The fact that she said "any woman who enjoys it is lying" tells me that she probably has never had a satisfying sexual experience and that some counseling is needed - for both of you to work through this.

 

If she has felt like sex is a duty -- something that must be done, like washing dishes -- then I can understand her attitude and the change in frequency of your sex life. There are lots of scenarios here and only a qualified, trained therapist can help your individual situation. I would suggest starting with a physical doctor and looking at family history. Then find a counselor that you are happy with and GO!

 

Love can beat this and find both of you happy, but it requires a lot of work. Marriage requires a lot of work.

 

BTW: My husband and I have been together over 20 years. It's been around 12 years since we had sex. We made a decision to stay together and I could not imagine being happier than I am with him, and he has said the same to me. Now I am glad that the intimate physical part of our relationship dwindled and disappeared because that has actually made us closer and stronger and the love is deeper than I ever imagined. We are both so much more fulfilled that we would have been had we remained sexually active. But it was hard work and took lots of tears, and yes, a couple of breakups.

 

My story does NOT mean that your marriage will be the same way. Don't think ahead right now or get upset or depressed over thoughts of a sexless life. Focus on helping yourself and helping your wife so that you can get past this hurdle and move on to the next one.

[Tony T]

I think your marital arrangement is an exception, in good part because the two of you are highly committed, very mature and from a generation that honored agreements a bit more. I am very happy that this is working for you.

 

It's not likely that a younger person who is highly sexually charged will want to stay in a sexless marriage. However, I agree with you that there are a lot of unanswered questions in the thread starter here.

[jamieileana]

depending on how old your wife is she could be having thyrod, menopausal or low hormone functions.

 

have her get a full medical check up and talk to her gynocologist about all this before ruing out anything else.

[teethgrinder]

Thanks for all of the very thoughtful responses.

 

Frankly, I took a good sex life for granted when I was single and I ignored the warning signs during our dating stage. I figured that we would get some "chemistry" going after marriage. Boy, was I wrong.

 

Anyway, I should try to get her to get counseling. Unfortunately, in addition to the sexual problems, we tend to have terrible communication skills. Based on our past track record, I think that any attempt to broach the subject would end in an indictment against me to the effect of "How can you betray me," or "Blame everything on me."

 

In all honesty, I can be pigheaded and have never exactly received any commendations in the emotionally supportive department. But I do try, as I think is evidenced by the fact that I try to get advice through sites such as this.

 

I talked to my friend and explained the situation. I also added the fact that she refuses to discuss parenthood and firmly believes that parenthood would be a waste of time with her. My friend took these facts, in addition to the fact that she spends a fair number of evenings a week with her friends, as a warning sign that she may be having an affair.

 

Maybe she is just in a bad place right now. God knows that I have been there many times myself. I should try harder to communicative, and I resent the fact that going home has become the low point of my day.

[Tony T]

Your marriage is clearly in major crisis. It shouldn't have taken place in the first place. YOU have to take full responsiblity for that. You had all the warning signs ahead of time.

 

Try counselling if you will...and she will. Otherwise, put an end to your misery and free yourself to find a relationship that will be fulfilling for you. The one you're in simply isn't happening at this time and given the information you have offered it's highly doubtful it will ever be good for you.

[yes]

May I ask why you decided not to have sex 12 years ago? I just can't think of a reason a couple would do that... Sorry if my Qn is too personal - just ignore it, in that case!

 

-yes

[Ally Boo]

Yeah I'd definately see about getting some counselling. That's not normal. When I was married, we had the same situation. He would actually complain about me coming on to him. Saying he felt used for sex. LMAO So, like, I stopped. For a month and a half, I left him alone before he wanted me. We were 21 years old, been married a year and a half, and no sex. That was so not normal.

 

I felt the same thing you said in the last line of your post. Sex is important...but you sacrifice your sex life for THIS? Granted, companionship is the most important, but, if you dont have the same priorities in that department. Before you are tempted to commit adultry, get some counseling. Maybe she has been sexually abused and could use your help and love to get her past this. If you truly love her, then try to find out what the deal is.

 

As for me, I think he was probably violated in some way in the past, but I've dismissed it in my mind by saying he's gay. LOL

[sheeba]

Originally posted by yes

May I ask why you decided not to have sex 12 years ago? I just can't think of a reason a couple would do that... Sorry if my Qn is too personal - just ignore it, in that case!

 

-yes

 

i didn't want to steal the rant from the original poster, but yeah-i debated asking out loud-or PMing hokey about this when i read it....

 

um hokey? WHY? my curiosity is killing me. i have no shame. lol