Concern over boyfriend and strippers

[brownhairedgirl25]

Hi, I am a female in my mid twenties. I've been dating my bf for over six months now. Things have been great between us. We have even told each other that we want to spend the rest of our lives together, but we are not engaged yet.

 

My bf is in his 30s and a "nice guy". He isn't into drugs, isn't a womanizer/player, he's smart, successful, etc. He is a drinker, but so am I. Neither one of us are very religious. He also has a very good relationship with his parents, especially his mother

 

The reason why I am posting this today is because a few weeks ago, we were talking about past experiences before we started dating. Somehow the subject came up about strippers and strip clubs. He told me about a few times when he had gone to strip clubs and gotten lap dances, way before we were dating. There was one time when the stripper gave him a lap dance for free and she even let him touch her boobs. This made me feel uneasy, but it was before we were dating.

 

He also talked about a friend's bachelor party that he attended, again before we dated. He told me about how there were two strippers that came over to a friend's house and how they did whip cream games and then pulled out dildo's and had one of the guys manually have sex with them with the dildo. This guy happens to be one of my bf's best friend and he even had a gf at the time! I told my bf that I found that disgusting and asked him if he did anything like that and he laughed and said "Do you really think I would do that?"

 

Then, a few weeks after, he told me about an old friend of his that is married who emailed him and told him that he was on business travel and asked what the good strip clubs were in the area. My bf was laughing at this and said "I guess that's what happens after men have been married for a while". Then I said, "I sure hope that's not the case" and this sparked a discussion. At this point I told him I didn't approve of strip clubs and that I thought getting a lap dance from a girl was considered cheating. His response to this was he'd let me know if he ever went to a strip club. I said, "And then what? Does that make it okay?" He said no, he wouldn't go to one unless he was with me or if it was for a bachelor party. He said that strip clubs do nothing for him and why would he need to go and watch other girls when he has a hot gf?

 

After all of this, I started doing research and found out how common it is for guys who are married and in relationships to go to strip clubs and bachelor parties and how some guys really look forward to it because it is an excuse to see, touch, receive dances, etc, with a stripper that a gf or wife cannot say no to. I found out how sleazy strip clubs are, how sexual lap dances really are, and how graphic these private bachelor parties are (many seem to be much worse than what my bf admitted to). Even though I want to believe my boyfriend, I am sickened by all of this and am afraid that he is just telling me what I want to hear. After all, I'm sure even the worst guys' gfs believe that there man isn't like that.

 

This really has me questioning my relationship with my bf. I don't want him to set foot in strip clubs, or worse yet, be involved with a bachelor party with private strippers coming to houses or hotels and doing this kind of sh*t. The problem is, I feel like this is inevitable, and at some point he's going to want to go, especially to a bachelor party (His best friend just got engaged) and I see his friends as the group of guys that will want to have strippers around. Also, I don't want him to have strippers at his bachelor party if we get engaged. I just find it sickening.

 

I know that some couples establish rules, such as no lap dances, no touching, etc but I know how a bunch of guys get when they get together. They egg each other on and call each other p*ssys if they don't do what everyone else is doing. Many guys would cave to this kind of pressure.

 

I feel silly for worrying about something that hasn't even happend yet but am I wrong for wanting this? What should I do at this point? This is eating me alive. I want to be proactive and do something now before anything happens. I've been through this before with an ex boyfriend and all he did was lie to me about things. However, he was a jerk and he doesn't even compare to my current bf but I'm worried that this might be an issue with MOST men! After all, my ex bf told me the exact same things about strip clubs meaning nothing to him and how he wouldn't go and he still went.

 

I don't know how to bring this up to my bf. I don't want to sound crazy or controlling but I'm afraid that the time is going to come when his friends are having their bachelor parties and they are going to involve strippers and he's going to want to go. Am I just going to have to accept it? It just doesn't seem fair. I would never want to be involved with anything that had to do with a male stripper while involved with him.

[brownhairedgirl25]

That my bf does watch porn and owns his own. This does not bother me bc it's not a live person that he is looking at or touching but what does this say about his character?

[directx]

You know, I am a pig and pervert, and I was ready to stick up for strip clubs, which I do.

 

However, I am with you with regards to the 'touching' and especially the dildo insertion.

The only thing worse than that is actual insertion.

I mean, I wouldn't want my girl to manually jerk a male stripper.

 

I think it a strip club is ok if all you are doing is watching, but a guy blows it if he doesn't feel its wrong to touch or get involved in an 'act'.

 

If he says he doesn't, you gotta trust him I guess. He is going to look like a wuss if he doesn't go to his friends bachelor party

 

(HINT: If he comes home smelling like coffee, it means he used the techinque of rubbing dry coffee grounds over his body to get rid of that 'stripper' smell or other odors. Some clubs do this now).

[popey]

I feal ya on this. If I were you, I would talk to the bf about it, taking the approach that you want to talk to him about feelings you are having, and fears and/or discomfort you are experiencing about the matter. Not that you are accusing him of wrong, or planned/potential future wrong. But that you have an issue here, and as your partner who loves you, you want and/or need him to make decisions that enable you to feel ok about it. As far as the need to visit strip clubs, or to attend bachelor parties in which live and interactive sex acts occurr, I don't think these are unreasonable sacrafices to ask man to make if you sincerely feel that is what is needed for you to feel comfortable.

 

But if you want to make it productive, IMO, the convo ought to be based on your boundary needs in this relationship, and NOT about trust. It seems that you find no reason to not trust him specificly- your past expereinces, or general discomfort about the subject matter, are insufficient cause to raise a question of trust about him... again... IMO- and I know all too well that this is easier said then done, but true.

 

and for a bit of empathy- I do understand how the thought of him wanting to indulge in any of the questioned activities can be so hurtful, when you can't imagining wanting anything similarly reciprocal with another male.

[popey]

oh- and I also feel the same way about porn vs. strippers. For me there is a big difference between wanting to watch a naughty movie and wanting to indulge in up close, live naked flesh- and touching- HUGE difference.

[Enema]

Everyone has a different opinion about what is and isn't ok.

 

What you have to do is talk to your boyfriend and work out what you BOTH feel comfortable with.

 

This can't be all one-way traffic from you demanding the world, as personally I think you're going a bit too far with your insecurities and expectations.

 

If you can't come to a healthy compromise and understanding on this issue it's time to go separate ways.

[Carbine]

...the techinque of rubbing dry coffee grounds over his body to get rid of that 'stripper' smell or other odors. Some clubs do this now).

 

Please, PLEASE tell me you're kidding...

[Cad Rake]

but a woman should NEVER have a heart to heart with a man. No offense. It makes men feel extremely controlled and makes you look clingy.

 

"I wanted you to know how much it hurts when you pay some woman to rub her p*ssy on you," just doesn't work.

 

Act like it doesn't matter. Heck, go to the clubs with him and buy him a lap dance. He will worship you and will never leave you.

[directx]

but a woman should NEVER have a heart to heart with a man. No offense. It makes men feel extremely controlled and makes you look clingy.

 

"I wanted you to know how much it hurts when you pay some woman to rub her p*ssy on you," just doesn't work.

 

Act like it doesn't matter. Heck, go to the clubs with him and buy him a lap dance. He will worship you and will never leave you.

 

I disagree. A woman or man shouldnt 'ACT' like something they are not. And believe me, if she follows him to the club, its a DRAG.

It's like watching a porno with your family in the same room. Its just odd. Because then she watches you to see all your reactions and its just uncomfortable.

 

If you are not into it, you are not into it. Its just who you are. Tell him how you REALLY feel instead of having a relationship with lies mixed in.

[burning 4 revenge]

strip clubs are great because you can just pick women and virtually (and sometimes literally) have sex with them

[directx]

I want a girl that can dance and look like a stripper, but not actually be a stripper

[burning 4 revenge]

i just want a girl

[directx]

i just want a girl

 

Stop looking for one, and you will find one (or two!)

[Cad Rake]

And believe me, if she follows him to the club, its a DRAG.

 

It's only a drag if she's a drag. I've taken several girlfriends to strip clubs. It's always been hot. I've never, however, watched porn with my family in the room, so I can't comment on that one.

[LakesideDream]

Brownhairedgirl25, This subject has been done, and done. That being written, there is a simple way to solve the problem. I have been to a strip club.

 

I am male, 57 and been to one "strip club" one time. It was a bach. party for my employer held at one in Hollywood Ca around 1986. I was the oldest guy invited, and married with two young kids. I agreed to go and offered to be the "designated driver" a 16 passenger was rented and I picked em up and took em home, I was bored to tears all night, although the free Pepsi and bar snacks were OK.

 

Why did I go? I was invited by the guy who signed my checks. He knew from social interaction that I wasn't "morally or religiously" opposed to strip clubs just not experianced or interested. My family, with stay at home mom and lil kids depended on my above average income in a competitive business.

 

I wasn't excited about going that time and never went again. I currently live in a medium size city with at least 20 such clubs... still no interest 20 years later (and now single).

 

Tell your BF that you are seriously opposed to the idea of him going to the clubs, and that if he does, that becomes a deal breaker for you. It's a matter of love and respect. If he cares from you and respects you he will honor your wishes.

 

If not... well that's why he's still a boyfriend. BF/GF etc. are the relationships before marriage, serious committment and children. If he can't repect your wishes find someone who will. Once he understands, the choice becomes his.

 

Problem solved.

[Cad Rake]

if only..

 

A woman cannot change a man's sexuality. If she gets him to tell her he will never do [whatever] again, she can be sure he's still doing [whatever] behind her back.

 

Find a man whose sexuality you can live with. And learn what his sexuality is early on. Because you will never change it. Nagging will only drive it underground.

[LakesideDream]

if only..

 

A woman cannot change a man's sexuality. If she gets him to tell her he will never do [whatever] again, she can be sure he's still doing [whatever] behind her back.

 

Find a man whose sexuality you can live with. And learn what his sexuality is early on. Because you will never change it. Nagging will only drive it underground.

 

 

Of course you are correct, however you have put "strip clubs" into a catagory that they should not be. Human (male or female) sexuality is geneticly imprinted over thousands of generations, and enhanced by enviorment. Strip clubs are optional commercial establishments with a short history.

 

Every person has the right, and the responsibility to set boundries for themselves. If the OP lets her BF know that strip clubs are a "deal breaker".. just states it as fact, it's not manipulation or a Nag, it's a fact, actually a condition she sets for herself and her relationships(s).

 

It's no different than saying "no threesomes" or "no unprotected sex". Or .... if a person is so inclined "no drunkeness". If those are your standards, so be it.

 

The world is becoming delusional. Everything is P.C., many people look for "grey" area's in everything. Buck the trend and have firm standards,

 

"Be true to Yourself"

[Cad Rake]

That's exactly what I said. You can't change it. If you realize the man has sexual patterns that don't mesh with yours, get rid of him. But don't bother with the ultimatums. He will lie to you to keep you. Just leave. If you can. If you can't, live with him and his desires.

[LakesideDream]

That's exactly what I said. You can't change it. If you realize the man has sexual patterns that don't mesh with yours, get rid of him. But don't bother with the ultimatums. He will lie to you to keep you. Just leave. If you can. If you can't, live with him and his desires.

 

 

I don't get it. Each of us change everyday. We make changes for our preceived benifits all the time.

 

When entering into a relationship with another person, each person must lay out their own boundries. It's a give and take proposition.

 

Are you trying to tell me that deciding that as a man you would rather have "strip clubs" or the love of your life..?

 

Let's get more realistic, which is more difficult, forgoing strip clubs or quitting smoking? People quit smoking every day, many of them to please their spouses, or to enhance their sexual pleasure.

[directx]

It's only a drag if she's a drag. I've taken several girlfriends to strip clubs. It's always been hot. I've never, however, watched porn with my family in the room, so I can't comment on that one.

 

Did the women you brought to strip clubs have the same attitude as the TP?

[rainfall]

but a woman should NEVER have a heart to heart with a man. No offense. It makes men feel extremely controlled and makes you look clingy.

 

"I wanted you to know how much it hurts when you pay some woman to rub her p*ssy on you," just doesn't work.

 

Act like it doesn't matter. Heck, go to the clubs with him and buy him a lap dance. He will worship you and will never leave you.

 

Why she should have to change who she is to be in a relationship? If she doesn't like the idea of having some women put her p8ssy all over him then he either needs to respect that and not do that or find someone who doesn't care.

[annabelle75]

Why she should have to change who she is to be in a relationship? If she doesn't like the idea of having some women put her p8ssy all over him then he either needs to respect that and not do that or find someone who doesn't care.

 

But on the same point...why should he have to change who he is?

[Cad Rake]

obviously it's a problem. I'm just saying that if she sits him down and tells him to stop, she'll find later that he's still doing it only not telling her about it.

 

That's all.

[rainfall]

But on the same point...why should he have to change who he is?

 

 

If they can't agree on this subject they should not be together. If having naked women dance for him and touch him is that importnant to him that he is willing to hurt his SO over it then he should find someone who shares his beliefs.

Noone should have to be in a situation in a realtionship that makes them feel unloved, worthless, unattractive, not good enough, etc.

 

 

I think people should have to let their SO know from day one if they are into strippers and lap dances. It sure save people alot of trouble. (at least if everyone had to be honest.)

[IpAncA]

obviously it's a problem. I'm just saying that if she sits him down and tells him to stop, she'll find later that he's still doing it only not telling her about it.

 

That's all.

 

Hopefully he wouldn't do it but that's not always the case. If he has the will to do it and can get away with it, he would IMO do it.