Concern over boyfriend and strippers

[annabelle75]

If they can't agree on this subject they should not be together. If having naked women dance for him and touch him is that importnant to him that he is willing to hurt his SO over it then he should find someone who shares his beliefs.

Noone should have to be in a situation in a realtionship that makes them feel unloved, worthless, unattractive, not good enough, etc.

 

 

I think people should have to let their SO know from day one if they are into strippers and lap dances. It sure save people alot of trouble. (at least if everyone had to be honest.)

 

Go back and read her original post. He doesn't care about strippers. He has no plans to go to a strip club. She's freaking out for no reason. He hasn't done anything wrong. If he gets upset because she sits him down and starts telling him that he is not allowed to see a stripper again it's not going to be becasue he likes strippers. Its going to be because she's telling him what to do and being paranoied and jealous over something that hasn't even happened.

[Cobra_X30]

Go back and read her original post. He doesn't care about strippers. He has no plans to go to a strip club. She's freaking out for no reason. He hasn't done anything wrong. If he gets upset because she sits him down and starts telling him that he is not allowed to see a stripper again it's not going to be becasue he likes strippers. Its going to be because she's telling him what to do and being paranoied and jealous over something that hasn't even happened.

 

 

Here's a late night TRUE DAT!

[woodsfield]

my wife still has a pic stuffed in the closet of a male stripper (he had a thong on---far as they went) with his hand on her boob removing a single from her chest (this was while we were dating and she was at the beach with HER FAM). only think about it when it appears during every other spring cleaning....did not make me happy, but who gives a damn? i've had other issues with past(s), tho.....

 

not all guys do NASTY things like "dildo" a stripper just because their friends do, but you can judge a man by his friends (sometimes). i've personally never seen that at any strip club or bachelor party, but maybe i hang out with losers or winners (whatever your take).

 

i think you should lighten up....ya'll been dating for six months and your already giving him sh*t about strippers and bachelor parties?? if you can't trust what he tells you now, you'll never trust him. being "not too religous" and a drinker, you'll most likely find guys that like strip clubs.

 

you will someday be married and before the big day, your soon-to-be-husband will have some kind of bachelor party (most likely) and i'm sure you'll have a bachelorite party, right?

[rainfall]

Go back and read her original post. He doesn't care about strippers. He has no plans to go to a strip club. She's freaking out for no reason. He hasn't done anything wrong. If he gets upset because she sits him down and starts telling him that he is not allowed to see a stripper again it's not going to be becasue he likes strippers. Its going to be because she's telling him what to do and being paranoied and jealous over something that hasn't even happened.

 

 

No but one day this problem might come up in their relationship since he has said he has gone to bachelor parties before. It is better for them to see if they are in agreement on this now then 3 years later when they are planning a wedding and he wants to go to a strip club for his bachelor party and she doesn't know what she should do because of it.

[IpAncA]

I'll just say that if their not on the same page about this it WILL cause problems later.

[directx]

I'll just say that if their not on the same page about this it WILL cause problems later.

 

And I think that sums up the whole thread...

[popey]

Lakeside Dream- I so agree with you. I really don't understand the seeming position of "this is right" or "this is wrong" here. I feel strongly that there is nothing wrong with the strip club industry, or dancers, or single men going/indulging, porn, or even prostitution (clarification: i think it should be legal, with labor rights, etc.) but the concept- no prob.

 

I do however, think I may have a problem with these things being a part of the life of a man that I am involved in a committed relationship with. If my best friend, sitste, brother, etc and their SO do not. Cool. Its totally personal, like so many other things.

[Citizen Erased]

i just want a girl

 

I called dibs on you ages ago so no women for you

[Krytellan]

Even though I want to believe my boyfriend, I am sickened by all of this and am afraid that he is just telling me what I want to hear.

 

So let me get this straight. He (not very smartly) tells you all of these explicit details of every encounter he or a friend has had with a stripper, including whip cream and dildo insertions, and you think he's just telling you what you want to hear? I'm trying to figure out why he would tell you any of these details in the first place.

 

Seriously, you're gonna try to control him, he won't like it, and everyone will be miserable. If this is such a big deal for you it will come up over and over and over again in relationships until you find a boring asexual man who has never been to a strip club, and likely isn't into sex at all. If that's what you want, then complain away to him.

[rainfall]

So let me get this straight. He (not very smartly) tells you all of these explicit details of every encounter he or a friend has had with a stripper, including whip cream and dildo insertions, and you think he's just telling you what you want to hear? I'm trying to figure out why he would tell you any of these details in the first place.

 

Seriously, you're gonna try to control him, he won't like it, and everyone will be miserable. If this is such a big deal for you it will come up over and over and over again in relationships until you find a boring asexual man who has never been to a strip club, and likely isn't into sex at all. If that's what you want, then complain away to him.

 

So its either a man hates sex and is boring or is goes to strip clubs? Theres no way to compromise? Seems like thats what you are saying....

[brownhairedgirl25]

So let me get this straight. He (not very smartly) tells you all of these explicit details of every encounter he or a friend has had with a stripper, including whip cream and dildo insertions, and you think he's just telling you what you want to hear? I'm trying to figure out why he would tell you any of these details in the first place.

 

What I meant was, I think he just told me what I wanted to hear when he talked about not going to strip clubs anymore unless I was with him or strippers not doing anything for him.

I agree with whoever said that I am freaking out over something that hasn't happend yet. And I don't want to come across as paranoid or jealous. But isn't it natural for people to become defensive when the fear of getting hurt strikes them? Why is it too much to ask that he isn't in the presence of another naked woman if we are in a committed relationship? I just don't get it. I would not want to be around another man. And I know for a fact that he would not appreciate me going out to a bar and giving some dude a lap dance or letting him lick whip cream off of me or vice versa. And for all of you people who say that finding a random person at a bar isn't the same thing as a stripper because the stripper is paid to do these things and it's their jobs, you are full of crap. I think it's worse for someone to go out and actually pay to have this done. It really is such a double standard. It sucks.

Should I go ahead and talk to him now before the issue comes up? I would much rather end this before we get too involved if we have different morals. I would hate to waste years together if we are going to cross this problem later on down the road. What do y'all think?

[brownhairedgirl25]

 

If this is such a big deal for you it will come up over and over and over again in relationships until you find a boring asexual man who has never been to a strip club, and likely isn't into sex at all. If that's what you want, then complain away to him.

 

First of all, the fact that he has been to a strip club before does not bother me. I just don't want him to go to one while we are committed together. I don't think that's too much to ask.

 

Second of all, I do not want a boring asexual man. My bf is very sexual and I don't even care that he watches porn. But to me, strippers (aka live nude women that you can touch, talk to, and do god knows what else with) are crossing the line.

[a4a]

Should I go ahead and talk to him now before the issue comes up? I would much rather end this before we get too involved if we have different morals. I

 

Yes discuss it.

 

It is that simple....... you cannot expect him to change and not want to go if that is what he lives for........ nor can he expect you to be ok with it.

 

Chat - hash it out... if it is a deal breaker for you... then it is what it is.

 

I am not willing to accept that sort of behavior in my life either. Take it or leave it.

[milvushina]

Seriously, you're gonna try to control him, he won't like it, and everyone will be miserable. If this is such a big deal for you it will come up over and over and over again in relationships until you find a boring asexual man who has never been to a strip club, and likely isn't into sex at all. If that's what you want, then complain away to him.

 

I agree with the first part of your post, it was indiscreet of him tell her stories that risque, but the quoted paragraph might not be true. She might sit down and talk to him and he might agree that she's being reasonable, at least about personal dances, if not about the clubs, period. Sometimes your spouse just has a good point and you decide to do what the two of you think is right. I sure wouldn't feel like I was being controlled if I agreed to a reasonable request.

[Carbine]

I don't think you're being crazy or controlling, I think you're being perfectly reasonable! If the issue is something that worries you now and is likely to cause further anguish down the track then you're wise to establish rules and boundries as early as possible. God I wish I'd had the insight to do that with my ex, maybe if I'd stood up for myself we'd still be together. I don't plan on starting a new relationship with anyone in the future but if it does happen then he'll know right from day one that it's either me or his stupid strippers - end of story.

 

He is going to look like a wuss if he doesn't go to his friends bachelor party

I daresay his absence would actually serve as a good example to his friends on the importance of respecting and staying faithful to one's partner - something the bachelor and the other attached men at the party could learn a lot from IMHO. But maybe people get married for other reasons nowadays.

 

BTW you haven't answered my question about the coffee grounds...couldn't tell if you were actually being serious or just stirring the pot . Either way, I'd like to know.

 

Let's get more realistic, which is more difficult, forgoing strip clubs or quitting smoking? People quit smoking every day, many of them to please their spouses, or to enhance their sexual pleasure.

 

Exactly. And it applies to other things as well. One of my supervisors once told me, in no uncertain terms, that she'd break up with her long-term bf unless he received councelling for the years of sexual abuse he'd suffered as a child. From what she told me, her bf did not want or possibly even need to undertake therapy but still she pushed the point because SHE wanted it. People are forced to do things like this to please their spouses and it's always considered acceptable - so why are strip clubs any different??? For reasons beyond my understanding, they seem to have some sort of illusive quality about them which makes them appear as some sort of critical resource for a the ongoing survival of the male species, or their God-given right, or somewhere inbetween. I just don't get it.

[annieo]

I know what you are dealing with, bhg25 (if you care to find my thread, 'strip clubs, lying, private dances" from earlier in the spring. My husband went to clubs behind my back and lied like a trooper about it).

Like you, I am cool with porn (enjoy it, actually) but real flesh and blood women are a different matter.

My husband and I got into another discussion about this last night, and I had a sort of realization/epiphany. I don't think that men think of the strippers as actual people, they are more like 3-D holograms of sexy women, complete with smells, sounds and lots of ego stroking attention (for a price). I am going out on a limb here, but I think I would almost prefer (chosing between 2 evils) that my husband chatted up some real girl as opposed to the whole fantasyland that is represented in a club. Firstly, because it makes him seem less like a sleazebag/loser who needs to pay for attention, and secondly, because it's real and I can deal with it. I can't compete with fake boobs, fake lust, you dance for me because I paid you, you little slut. Weird power imperative going on, methinks. Yuck.

I also had a very interesting conversation last night with a female friend who worked behind the bar in a club, and she told me that she would notice how completely bored the girls looked as they were giving a guy a lap dance. Yawning, looking at the clock, that sort of thing, meanwhile the guy is drooling and oblivious (and I am sure most of them don't care). I think for you average woman, this is a very disturbing image. Not the kind of guy you want to be with. Again, yuck!!! Yuck, yuck, yuck!

State your terms clearly. I don't think you are being unreasonable, and you don't want him coming to you after the fact and acting like he didn't understand how you feel. For me, it's please don't lie to me ever again and no lap/table dances. If you go to a club, tell me (he swears he'll never set foot in one again, but we'll see).Do I think I'll get the truth? I hope so, but who knows... Broken trust is a tricky thing to repair.

[IpAncA]

Asking some or maybe a lot of guys to stop going to strip clubs or whatever is like asking them to cut their balls off. I've never in my life seen how defensive some men get over this.

 

I can't imagine what some men go through but it must be tough and stressful to choose.

 

Anyhow like I said before both people need to be on the same page about it. If not, then problems will arise.

[annieo]

"I can't imagine what some men go through but it must be tough and stressful to choose."

Are you serious?!?! My heart really bleeds for these guys (not).

I think if it's that difficult a decision, save yourself the stress and hardship, boys. Don't get into a relationship. Keep the strippers in booze, coke and thongs (and hopefully, therapists) with your money, and do any potential girlfriends/wives the favour of saving them from the real stress of being with a liar/scumbag. Just abstain from relationships if you can't be honest and/or faithful. Do womankind a favour. We'll be ok.

[IpAncA]

Of course I'm serious.

[popey]

Anneio, interesting point about the choice between two evils. not sure what i think about that just yet. But I do find myself feeling similar things about a man in a relationship desiring the strip club experience. I haven't yet been able to find an comprehension of this not being pathetic, and consequently making the man an undesirable. (I don't feel this way at all about a fully single man).

 

and I too, enjoy porn, and feel it is VERY different for the same reasons you mentioned.

 

I posed this question to male defenders of strip club frequenting. If your gf was going out with the girls, and some wanted to go to dinner; some wanted to go to this gay bar with great drinks and music; and some wanted to go to the posh bar known to be packed with attractive, successful, single men .... and your gf decidely wants the rich,hot men bar - would this be ok, fine?

 

they were silenced. perspective huh?

[Krytellan]

Keep the strippers in booze, coke and thongs (and hopefully, therapists) with your money, and do any potential girlfriends/wives the favour of saving them from the real stress of being with a liar/scumbag. Just abstain from relationships if you can't be honest and/or faithful. Do womankind a favour. We'll be ok.

 

Have I just been given permission?

[InLimbo2]

A tad extreme How about the middle ground - get involved with women who's egos aren't wounded and who aren't threatened by strippers and strip clubs.

 

 

"I can't imagine what some men go through but it must be tough and stressful to choose."

Are you serious?!?! My heart really bleeds for these guys (not).

I think if it's that difficult a decision, save yourself the stress and hardship, boys. Don't get into a relationship. Keep the strippers in booze, coke and thongs (and hopefully, therapists) with your money, and do any potential girlfriends/wives the favour of saving them from the real stress of being with a liar/scumbag. Just abstain from relationships if you can't be honest and/or faithful. Do womankind a favour. We'll be ok.

[rainfall]

A tad extreme How about the middle ground - get involved with women who's egos aren't wounded and who aren't threatened by strippers and strip clubs.

 

 

I'm not threatened by SC or strippers. I am threatened by cheating though which to ME sc and strip clubs are just that.

[InLimbo2]

therefore you see strip clubs and strippers threatening

 

you see clubs and dancers as cheating

cheating threatens you

therefore you feel threatened by clubs and strippers

 

 

 

I'm not threatened by SC or strippers. I am threatened by cheating though which to ME sc and strip clubs are just that.

[rainfall]

therefore you see strip clubs and strippers threatening

 

you see clubs and dancers as cheating

cheating threatens you

therefore you feel threatened by clubs and strippers

 

 

But it doesn't make me insecure because of this. It just means I have different things I will and will not accept in my relationship.

 

And no I know my man wouldn't go to a strip club. He has no need to pay some chick money for something that I can do 100000000000% better and for free and I probably look a hell of a lot better then the strippers anyway.