Concern over boyfriend and strippers

[IpAncA]

A tad extreme

 

Not really because some if not a lot need it and freak when asked to give it up. We all know what SC's are for and what all that scattered a** does to a man.

 

The issue lies with the guys, not the SC's.

[InLimbo2]

Even more the reason that strip clubs and dancers shouldn't matter at all to you. Sorry - I still think you are wildly threatened by strip clubs and strippers - because you see it as cheating and a violation of your relationship - if it wasn't it wouldn't be any different than him going to the local Hooters - or is that forbidden too?

 

See? That's YOUR interpretation. Men don't go to strip clubs for relationships, commitment, love, etc. 90% (guesstimate) don't even go for sex even if it's offered. It's NOT about whether you do it 100000000% better. It's purely fantasy. Sometimes it's male bonding crap (bachelor parties).

 

But it doesn't make me insecure because of this. It just means I have different things I will and will not accept in my relationship.

 

And no I know my man wouldn't go to a strip club. He has no need to pay some chick money for something that I can do 100000000000% better and for free and I probably look a hell of a lot better then the strippers anyway.

[InLimbo2]

If you go back and read what my post was in reference to - it was her saying all men who go to strip clubs are liars/scumbags/unfaithful who should do womenkind a favor and stay away from the whole gender. A lot of women don't feel that way at all - I said the ones that don't want to give it up should just find a woman who isn't upset or threatened by it.

 

 

Not really because some if not a lot need it and freak when asked to give it up. We all know what SC's are for and what all that scattered a** does to a man.

 

The issue lies with the guys, not the SC's.

[IpAncA]

I said the ones that don't want to give it up should just find a woman who isn't upset or threatened by it.

 

Yes they should find someone who doesn't mind it.

[rainfall]

Even more the reason that strip clubs and dancers shouldn't matter at all to you. Sorry - I still think you are wildly threatened by strip clubs and strippers - because you see it as cheating and a violation of your relationship - if it wasn't it wouldn't be any different than him going to the local Hooters - or is that forbidden too?

 

See? That's YOUR interpretation. Men don't go to strip clubs for relationships, commitment, love, etc. 90% (guesstimate) don't even go for sex even if it's offered. It's NOT about whether you do it 100000000% better. It's purely fantasy. Sometimes it's male bonding crap (bachelor parties).

 

 

I am not threatened by them. I just view them as cheating. Cheating is a deal breaker to me. By threatened I mean something that would end my relationship not something I think might actually happen.

 

Strip clubs are way different the hooters (which thankfully we don't have one in my town). You can't pay a hooters person to touch you and dance on top of you.

Yeah male bonding by all cheating together how sweet......

[InLimbo2]

going to a stripclub IS something that would end your relationship according to you - therefore you are threatened by them - that's the logic you use

 

looking at women dancing half naked is cheating? sorry - I just think that's crazy. guess the couple hundred thousand guys at Sturgis a few weeks ago are all guilty of cheating lol

 

ya know - not all guys that go in clubs get lapdances -and the dancers never touch them and vice versa. And yes -men male bond going there -and checking out women. Hanging out, checking out chicks, talkin bout them etc - it's something they've been doing since puberty.

 

By the way - have you ever actually been to a strip club? Or are you just going based on stories you've heard, the few extreme vids that end up on youtube etc?

 

 

 

I am not threatened by them. I just view them as cheating. Cheating is a deal breaker to me. By threatened I mean something that would end my relationship not something I think might actually happen.

 

Strip clubs are way different the hooters (which thankfully we don't have one in my town). You can't pay a hooters person to touch you and dance on top of you.

Yeah male bonding by all cheating together how sweet......

[rainfall]

going to a stripclub IS something that would end your relationship according to you - therefore you are threatened by them - that's the logic you use

 

looking at women dancing half naked is cheating? sorry - I just think that's crazy. guess the couple hundred thousand guys at Sturgis a few weeks ago are all guilty of cheating lol

 

ya know - not all guys that go in clubs get lapdances -and the dancers never touch them and vice versa. And yes -men male bond going there -and checking out women. Hanging out, checking out chicks, talkin bout them etc - it's something they've been doing since puberty.

 

By the way - have you ever actually been to a strip club? Or are you just going based on stories you've heard, the few extreme vids that end up on youtube etc?

 

 

I went to one strip club and IMO what went on there was only one step above prostitution. The dancers were letting the men suck on their boobs and touch all over them. It was very disgusting.

 

 

I just deserve better then someone who goes to places like that and dispespects me like that.

 

Why does it have to mean I have low self esteem because I find strip clubs to be cheating and a deal brealer? (which is the impression I get from you)

[InLimbo2]

Sounds like a pretty low class joint someone took you to. I've been to several strip clubs - high end and real dives - no touching was allowed at ANY clubs. At the club you describe, the last step of prostitution was probably in the back room. Now a prostitute would be a deal breaker for me. Watching half naked women dance is not for me.

 

If the club and the dancer was seriously skanky, I'd consider that the guy didn't respect HIMSELF - wouldn't have any thing to do with me.

 

I do see where your attitude on it comes from tho now - shame - I would bet that had your one and only experience been in a higher end club you'd see things differently. Maybe - maybe not. *shrug*

 

 

I went to one strip club and IMO what went on there was only one step above prostitution. The dancers were letting the men suck on their boobs and touch all over them. It was very disgusting.

 

 

I just deserve better then someone who goes to places like that and dispespects me like that.

[rainfall]

Sounds like a pretty low class joint someone took you to. I've been to several strip clubs - high end and real dives - no touching was allowed at ANY clubs. At the club you describe, the last step of prostitution was probably in the back room. Now a prostitute would be a deal breaker for me. Watching half naked women dance is not for me.

 

If the club and the dancer was seriously skanky, I'd consider that the guy didn't respect HIMSELF - wouldn't have any thing to do with me.

 

I do see where your attitude on it comes from tho now - shame - I would bet that had your one and only experience been in a higher end club you'd see things differently. Maybe - maybe not. *shrug*

 

 

I still wouldn't like the idea of a naked chick trying to turn my man on besides me but I might not view them as a 100% every time no matter what deal breaker.

[InLimbo2]

eh - maybe cuz I've known a couple of gals that stripped for awhile - all they want is their money - they are just selling a fantasy. I'd be WAY more upset and threatened by a woman in a business suit trying to make an emotional connection with my man And same thing - then it all comes down to trusting your guy.

 

I still wouldn't like the idea of a naked chick trying to turn my man on besides me but I might not view them as a 100% every time no matter what deal breaker.

[rainfall]

eh - maybe cuz I've known a couple of gals that stripped for awhile - all they want is their money - they are just selling a fantasy. I'd be WAY more upset and threatened by a woman in a business suit trying to make an emotional connection with my man And same thing - then it all comes down to trusting your guy.

 

The problem I have with SC would be justthat. He would be paying a women besides me moeny to fulfill a fantasy.

 

I do trust my man but I just don't think SC's are a place for a man in a committed relationship to go.

[InLimbo2]

Maybe therein is the difference - I don't see the dancing naked as the fantasy - but the act they put on that THEY are turned on by the guy and want him - and that fantasy is rarely (in non-skanky clubs) ever fulfilled.

 

I've never known a guy that was addicted to strip clubs - and some men are - go in on payday and don't leave til it's spent. Every guy I've ever known -it's a sporadic to rare occasion.

 

Guess you wouldn't consider going to an upscale 'gentleman's club' with your man just so you could at least get to see the opposite end of the spectrum from the slum you went to?

 

The problem I have with SC would be justthat. He would be paying a women besides me moeny to fulfill a fantasy.

 

I do trust my man but I just don't think SC's are a place for a man in a committed relationship to go.

[rainfall]

Maybe therein is the difference - I don't see the dancing naked as the fantasy - but the act they put on that THEY are turned on by the guy and want him - and that fantasy is rarely (in non-skanky clubs) ever fulfilled.

 

I've never known a guy that was addicted to strip clubs - and some men are - go in on payday and don't leave til it's spent. Every guy I've ever known -it's a sporadic to rare occasion.

 

Guess you wouldn't consider going to an upscale 'gentleman's club' with your man just so you could at least get to see the opposite end of the spectrum from the slum you went to?

 

 

Nope I wouldn't. Sorry. I just don't like the idea of bringing a 3rd party into my relationship to turn my man on. It just doesn't do it for me.

[JamesM]

I've been dating my bf for over six months now. Things have been great between us. We have even told each other that we want to spend the rest of our lives together, but we are not engaged yet.

 

My bf is in his 30s and a "nice guy". He isn't into drugs, isn't a womanizer/player, he's smart, successful, etc. He is a drinker, but so am I.

 

The reason why I am posting this today is because a few weeks ago, we were talking about past experiences before we started dating. Somehow the subject came up about strippers and strip clubs. He told me about a few times when he had gone to strip clubs and gotten lap dances, way before we were dating. There was one time when the stripper gave him a lap dance for free and she even let him touch her boobs. This made me feel uneasy, but it was before we were dating.

 

He also talked about a friend's bachelor party that he attended, again before we dated.

 

I told my bf that I found that disgusting and asked him if he did anything like that and he laughed and said "Do you really think I would do that?"

 

I told him I didn't approve of strip clubs and that I thought getting a lap dance from a girl was considered cheating. His response to this was he'd let me know if he ever went to a strip club. I said, "And then what? Does that make it okay?" He said no, he wouldn't go to one unless he was with me or if it was for a bachelor party. He said that strip clubs do nothing for him and why would he need to go and watch other girls when he has a hot gf?

 

After all of this, I started doing research and found out how common it is for guys who are married and in relationships to go to strip clubs and bachelor parties .

 

I found out how sleazy strip clubs are, how sexual lap dances really are, and how graphic these private bachelor parties are (many seem to be much worse than what my bf admitted to).

 

Even though I want to believe my boyfriend, I am sickened by all of this and am afraid that he is just telling me what I want to hear.

 

I don't want him to set foot in strip clubs, or worse yet, be involved with a bachelor party with private strippers coming to houses or hotels and doing this kind of sh*t. The problem is, I feel like this is inevitable, and at some point he's going to want to go,

 

Also, I don't want him to have strippers at his bachelor party if we get engaged. I just find it sickening.

 

I know that some couples establish rules, such as no lap dances, no touching, etc but I know how a bunch of guys get when they get together. They egg each other on and call each other p*ssys if they don't do what everyone else is doing. Many guys would cave to this kind of pressure.

 

I feel silly for worrying about something that hasn't even happened yet but am I wrong for wanting this? What should I do at this point? This is eating me alive. I want to be proactive and do something now before anything happens. I've been through this before with an ex boyfriend and all he did was lie to me about things.

 

I will "stray" back to the OP.

 

First, I see a few things that strike me. As a guy, I see your BF being honest with you about his past. This is good. But I think he is doing it before he knows you well enough.

 

Second, you say he is a nice guy? DO you really feel this? Or is this what people tell you?

 

Third, his past seems to make you uneasy. I think I know the answer, but why is going to strip clubs such a great issue? Has he had GFs before? What is your opinion of those relationships? Has he told you about any of them?

 

Fourth, you told him how you felt. He said he would be honest with you about any future dealings with strip clubs. Do you think he would go to them secretly? And do not think about past BFs...just him.

 

Fifth, it is also common for men to have mistresses, do drugs, etc. But happily, common does not equal "most men." So, the question becomes..will HE go to strip clubs while in a committed relationship?

 

As for strip clubs being sleazy, I have read of many and been to only a couple. The type of sleaziness depends entirely on the state and city you live in. By far the majority of clubs do not allow much. And girls get fired for such activity. But if they can get more money for allowing men to touch them...and get away with it, then yes, they will do it. Here in the Midwest, very few areas have such leniency. Bachelor parties are another issue.

 

I think you are being silly for worrying about it ahead of time. But I see why. Your past BF lied to you about this. My only answer to this is that you will need to keep open lines of communication with your BF. And yes, you will somehow need to talk with him or it will keep eating you up. He needs to know that this issue is important to you. Will he go to strip clubs while with you? No one knows the answer. I do know that when we first meet and date someone, we do not know them. So, we DO worry about the future more. The more we get to know someone, the more we learn if our fears are "real" or if they are ridiculous.

 

Let the relationship go where it will. I understand your past is affecting your present, but even if he doesn't go to strip clubs in the future, he could do something else. We never know and cannot control the future. I think (from experience) that as you get to know him you will discover that either he is like your old BF or he is not. You are trying to avoid being hurt again, but unfortunately, life and love always contain the risk of hurt and pain. You will not prevent this. Love and relationships are all about trust and vulnerability.

[RIDINGTHEBULLS1]

You are punishing your bf for being HONEST with you. And your bf has not done anything wrong but be OPEN with you about what has happened to his FRIENDS. And then women wonder why men lie!