Venting: You know when you just wanna burst into tears and scream "it's not fair!"??

[Carbine]

Hey everyone, just having a massive but well-deserved (I think so anyway) vent about something that's eating me up inside. There's nothing I can really do about this situation and I know that logically, I should just forget about it. But I can't, it's really upsetting me. Well, For those of you who are unfamiliar with my situation - my bf broke up with me several months ago largely because of my severe jealousy and envy over prettier girls. While we try to remain friends, he refuses to give me another chance . When we were together there was one particular girl in our social group, 'J' (a gf of my ex's friend) whom I was particularly envious of. She's younger, thinner and prettier than me. I once made the mistake of forcing my ex to compare the two of us and it turned out he thought she was 'hotter' than me because in his words "she's got a slimmer waist and her bottom isn't as big as yours" which caused some massive fights between us. Since then I've deeply resented J and said some nasty things about her to my ex and a few other people, although I've never actually said anything directly to her face. I've no idea if she's aware of my hatred for her (nor do I care) but from what I gather she doesn't know.

 

Anyway, a few weeks ago the ex decided to take me away for a night for my birthday. Now, when we decided where to go we were both at my house, in the same room and told nobody else of our plans. Then we set off on the long drive, had a wonderful time shopping and sightseeing on the way, and finally arrived at the destination. After a quiet dinner at the pub we were driving back to the motel (me thinking how great it was not to be fighting with the ex for once) when three guys jumped out in front of the car and waved us down. Turned out to be J's bf, another guy I knew, and some guy I'd never met before. The three of them ignored me, exchanged surprised hellos with my ex and asked what we were doing there. He replied "It's Carbine's birthday so we thought we'd do something". They continued to ignore me and my ex said "we might give you a call later on if we're bored or something". When we got back to the motel I asked him why he hadn't wanted to hang out with his friends. Without skipping a beat he replied "because J was there" (apparently she'd been sitting in her car across the road - i hadn't seen her). I said to him "look, we may as well go and hang out with them otherwise we'll be sitting here at 8.30pm on a saturday night watching crap movies on tv - i promise i'll be nice to her". But no, he had every reason in the world to avoid hanging out didn't he? His reasons had nothing to do with me and my needs, they were basically things like "No, I can't risk you saying anything that will upset J", "You hate J even though she has done nothing to you and I can't trust you around her" and "No, I don't want you spoiling J's night". Although I refrained from bad-mouthing J to my ex, I did try to discuss the situation with him. He jumped to J's defence every single time and I copped the blame for everything. Needless to say, the trip rapidly went downhill from there :( .

 

It just doesn't seem fair. I mean what's the likelyhood of the stupid cow turning up in the same place as us (a tiny coastal town in the middle of winter might I add), on my birthday, three and a half f**king goddamn hours from where we all live????? She had to make an effort to ruin my birthday, didn't she? No actually that's a lie - all she had to do was simply be there, that was enough to turn my ex against me. Now he refused to speak to me for a month. Great . Why the hell are guys always so quick to defend the thinner, prettier, quiet girls? This does my head in... :(

[annabelle75]

You realize your hatred of her is competely unfounded, right? Your ex-bf had every right to keep you away from her. Your hate her for no reason what-so-ever other than your insane jealousy of how she looks. Do you realize how crazy that sounds?

 

Stop letting your insecurities get the best of you. She nor your ex-bf ruined your birthday...you did. And I suspect you know it and that is why you are so upset. Ever considered seeing a counselopr about these issues?

[Carbine]

You realize your hatred of her is competely unfounded, right?

 

Completely unfounded, uh riiiiiiiggghht...and you're discussing things from who's POV exactly?

 

She nor your ex-bf ruined your birthday...you did.

 

Did I now? And how's that??

[popey]

Annabelle, I totaly understand what your saying, and don't disagree, but I'd like to add some things. We don't choose wether to FEEL jealousy or not, and further, in a world that inescapably reminds us that a woman's balue to many is correlated to her attractiveness. It is a sad and sometimes painful thing to deal with.

 

However, Carbine, we can chose how we handle this. Annabelle is right, at least based on what you've told us. Neither J nor your ex did anything wrong on the weekend. A prettier, thinner... whatever woman, doesn't deserve to be treated poorly for being attractive anymore than someone less attractive deserves to be treated as sub-value for that.

 

And if you desire honesty from your partner, and push him to compare you to other women... it is impossible that you will never hear something hurtful. EVERYONE is less attractive (objectively) than SOMEONE else whose image has shown its way to their SO.

 

Maybe you could really try to think about the fact that every human being has felt hurt, insecure, inadequate, vulnerable, hates something about themselves, etc. And likewise we all have things delightfully special about us, if we indulge in it and don't suffocate it with our insecurities. Finding your way to be able to sincerely to wish happiness for as many people as possible, IMO- is a fantastic secret to personal happiness.

 

it may not be easy at first, but if you manage to give it a try... it kinda snowballs into a natural way of being, a better and happier person.

[annabelle75]

Completely unfounded, uh riiiiiiiggghht...and you're discussing things from who's POV exactly?

 

 

 

Did I now? And how's that??

 

What did she do to deserve your hatred?

 

 

And...yes. You ruined your birthday. You let your irrational jealousy get in the way of enjoying time with your EX. He simply chose to not put himself in a situation where he'd have to defend her from you and you started a fight over it. How is that anyone's fault but yours? Is he suppose to take your side and say, "Let's hate her becasue she's pretty"? Ummm ...yeah...ok.....

[Carbine]

However, Carbine, we can chose how we handle this. Annabelle is right, at least based on what you've told us. Neither J nor your ex did anything wrong on the weekend.

 

Actually, I thought i handled it considerably well. I could have easily thrown a hissy fit or caused a scene but I tried to discuss it calmly and rationally with him. And let me just clarify something; my post wasn't about who's 'right' or 'wrong' - it's about my feeling downright p*ssed off over what happened. But if you want to talk about it in terms of right/wrong, then in my mind I have every right to feel that the event of J being there ruined my weekend. Just as I'm sure I'd have the right to say that my trip was spoiled by a cyclone or earthquake - had one occured.

 

What did she do to deserve your hatred?

 

The simple reason that she was (is) more attractive than me. Which, in turn was made worse by the fact that she seemed to strike some sort of personal chord with my ex, which in turn made me feel compared and thus substandard, which in turn worsened my self-esteem issues. And also because she's sly little b*tch who uses her looks and menial amount of intelligence to make everyone believe she can do no wrong.

 

And...yes. You ruined your birthday. You let your irrational jealousy get in the way of enjoying time with your EX. He simply chose to not put himself in a situation where he'd have to defend her from you and you started a fight over it. How is that anyone's fault but yours? Is he suppose to take your side and say, "Let's hate her becasue she's pretty"? Ummm ...yeah...ok.....

 

Would you be so kind as to point out where in my original post it says that I started fight over what happened?? And for the record, no, I don't expect him to take my side because she's pretty. However, I DO expect him to have a bloody good reason for defending her in such an extreme way, in circumstances that clearly did not call for it.

[annabelle75]

The simple reason that she was (is) more attractive than me. Which, in turn was made worse by the fact that she seemed to strike some sort of personal chord with my ex, which in turn made me feel compared and thus substandard, which in turn worsened my self-esteem issues. And also because she's sly little b*tch who uses her looks and menial amount of intelligence to make everyone believe she can do no wrong.

 

 

WOW i'm speechless

[Yellowboy]

Hi, this is the first time to hear your situation but a few things I'm curious about:

 

1. When you asked to compare J and yourself, what did you want him to say? Didn't he follow it up by saying, "but I like how you look, it doesn't matter if the other girls are hotter.". I mean beauty is subjective man. Just because she's hotter doesn't mean a guy will dump the girl and just go for the hotter girls. Hell, girls can do that to guys too.

 

2. Why on earth did you decide to go out with the rest of the group? What was your intention? While your ex was right, I completely understand why you'd feel angry that it sounds like he's defending her more than you.

 

You may have jealousy issues, but hey, it's natural. I am the jealous type too. It's just seemed to me like the ex of yours could have handled things a bit more differently. Well its all in the past right? Screw em. I hope you move on and forget about these people.

 

Life isn't fair unfortunately. I've been a victim of unfairness far too many times, it can make me bitter sometimes, but I keep my hopes up, or else life would just be nothing but emptiness...

[Carbine]

1. When you asked to compare J and yourself, what did you want him to say? Didn't he follow it up by saying, "but I like how you look, it doesn't matter if the other girls are hotter.". I mean beauty is subjective man. Just because she's hotter doesn't mean a guy will dump the girl and just go for the hotter girls. Hell, girls can do that to guys too.

 

I didn't 'want' him to say anything...I just wanted him to tell the truth. What really upset and infuriated me (on top of everything else) was the fact that he took copious amounts of time and lots of pushing and shoving to actually admit the truth. I don't remember if he made any 'follow-ups', I'm sure he probably did but it's hard to remember as it happened nearly a year ago. Besides, my ex's idea of a follow-up is "Don't worry - she's younger, so she's not as heavy as you".

 

2. Why on earth did you decide to go out with the rest of the group? What was your intention? While your ex was right, I completely understand why you'd feel angry that it sounds like he's defending her more than you.

 

*Shrug* just to be sociable I guess. I never spent a lot of time in J's company. In the year and a half my ex and I were together I've probably run into her say, half a dozen times or so? The first time was at her bf's birthday party (when I was forced to drive him the stupid b**** home), one time was at a b'day for a friend of my ex's I get on well with, once at a football grand final bbq (after which my ex compared us), once at an engagement party, the time on my birthday...that's all I remember.

[annabelle75]

You basically nagged and bullied your boyfreinded into admiting he thought she was hot; coupled with the fact that you barely know this woman and you think you are justified on all this? You're nuts.

[popey]

Carbine, I honestly think that you will find more happiness by trying to reevaluate your views on other women. However, I do not think you should be determined as "nuts." I think you are struggling with something that is hard for you, and its not a crazy issue, you just have a week grasp on managing it. Your not nuts. But you could benefit from working on this issue. You want to stop feeling like you just want to scream? and I believe you do. I really think the first step is to release (what seems to maybe be) a knee jerk reaction to hate on someone who gives you cause to feel envy.

[Yellowboy]

I didn't 'want' him to say anything...I just wanted him to tell the truth. What really upset and infuriated me (on top of everything else) was the fact that he took copious amounts of time and lots of pushing and shoving to actually admit the truth. I don't remember if he made any 'follow-ups', I'm sure he probably did but it's hard to remember as it happened nearly a year ago. Besides, my ex's idea of a follow-up is "Don't worry - she's younger, so she's not as heavy as you".

 

Well, think of it this way. I tend to think there *is* always someone better than yourself in the grand scheme of things. I don't mean just in terms of relationship situations, but take sports for example. You could be the top athlete in your school, but on a national level, how competitive are you? That's the same with a person's physical appearance, and you'll have to admit that.

 

It's too bad you don't remember what he said to follow it up...it could have been meaningful words but perhaps you ignored it since you were so infuriated with his choice of who was hotter. Either way, the guy doesn't seem to do a good job at comforting you going by that quote though...

 

*Shrug* just to be sociable I guess. I never spent a lot of time in J's company. In the year and a half my ex and I were together I've probably run into her say, half a dozen times or so? The first time was at her bf's birthday party (when I was forced to drive him the stupid b**** home), one time was at a b'day for a friend of my ex's I get on well with, once at a football grand final bbq (after which my ex compared us), once at an engagement party, the time on my birthday...that's all I remember.

 

I dunno...it seems to me like you wanted to be in a social situation and try to compete with her perhaps at a subconscious level. I just don't see why you'd want to be sociable with a person you hate, there's gotta be something more than that. Hey, I could still be wrong, that's just my impression.

 

So we all get jealous, hate on people for no reason, it's natural, we are humans. Don't be so hard on her man. Jealousy kills us all. My ex ended up dating this guy, and I hated his guts. It's not like he did anything wrong to me, but yeah I still hated him. He not only "took" my love, but he also stole my path to promotion so it was a double strike to me. I admit I am being the ******* here, but one thing I am completely right about is that he didn't deserve that promotion. I had more experience and somehow he ended up getting the spot. It was just so upsetting I left my job. But that's all in the past. I have a different life now and I feel good about the way things are now. I hope you will find something new as well.

[LakesideDream]

A few times in my marriage (25 years) my ex asked questions like you asked your BF, "is she hot, or hotter" etc. I always answered with a "who cares, I haven't noticed", cause I refused to fall into the trap.

 

No man can answer those questions honestly without substantial risk of disaster. You forced your BF to answer and disaster ensued.

 

Tell me why a person is responsible for her (or his) body style, slim waist, nice posterior, breast size (natural) etc? That's mostly genetic's. Sexy is as sexy does. Enticing women, who has a pleasant nature are always sexier than the over made up, under dressed bimbo types. Nothings sexier than walking into the bedroom of someone you love, knowing she's ready and excited about the oppertunity to please you (and be pleased), believe me.

[Cad Rake]

that's pretty weird stuff. The question is: how unattractive are you really? We can bet if the BF actually told you another chick was hotter, he was pretty fed up with ya by that time.

 

The reason he's not getting back together with you is not because of your jealousy, it's probably because of your unattractiveness!

 

Here's my tip: cut off all contact with him, get your ass to the gym, and then "bump into" him a few months down the line when you look good.

 

Why don't you post some body shots and then we can a true feel for what's going on here.....

[Yamaha]

The problem is within you. This women J has taken on your insecurity for all women you see as prettier than you. You need to get a handle on your jealousy and anger for women who have done nothing to you. You need to realize that you are just as good as J but you don't because you feel inferior. This is not her problem but yours.

[Cad Rake]

I mean, the girl might be downright ugly or hugely chubby. Let's face it, if she weighs 150 lbs or has the face of Manuel Noreiga, then it's not "all in her head." She may be objectively unattractive, and that would explain a lot.

 

Reminds me of a girl who once told me, "I'm not single because I'm fat, I'm single because of low self esteem." I nodded politely but thought, "No honey, you're single because you're fat." Even if Eva Longoria had low self esteem, she'd be guaranteed to have men fighting over her.

[Capricorn]

I mean, the girl might be downright ugly or hugely chubby. Let's face it, if she weighs 150 lbs or has the face of Manuel Noreiga, then it's not "all in her head." She may be objectively unattractive, and that would explain a lot.

 

Reminds me of a girl who once told me, "I'm not single because I'm fat, I'm single because of low self esteem." I nodded politely but thought, "No honey, you're single because you're fat." Even if Eva Longoria had low self esteem, she'd be guaranteed to have men fighting over her.[/quote

 

Thank god not all men are as shallow as you!! You think all men are attracted to the same type of women? Your clueless. I know a couple guys that prefer bigger women. Also a lot of guys don't like fake boobs and a hundred pounds of makeup either. The majority of men that are shallow like you don't have a mind of their own and prefer what society and the media considers beautiful.

[Sal Paradise]

I can see why he broke up with you. You have some serious emotional issues. You seem to think the world revolves around you.

[annabelle75]

I can see why he broke up with you. You have some serious emotional issues. You seem to think the world revolves around you.

 

I agree. The people I know who claim to have the lowest self esteem are usually the most self centered. They use self esteem as an excuse to obsess over why the world doesn't revolve around them. I'm not saying that people don't have genuine self esteem issues but I get tired of people using it as an excuse to behave like this.

 

Honestly, I may sound pretty harsh but maybe its time people stopped patting her on the back and giving her pep talks about her self esteem. I think she needs some one to give it to her straight and let her know that she will NEVER have a good healthy relationship until she deals with her emotional issues.

[Trimmer]

A few times in my marriage (25 years) my ex asked questions like you asked your BF, "is she hot, or hotter" etc. I always answered with a "who cares, I haven't noticed", cause I refused to fall into the trap.

 

No man can answer those questions honestly without substantial risk of disaster. You forced your BF to answer and disaster ensued.

Amen. You gave him an unsolvable problem, and you would have been pissed no matter how he handled it.

 

You think that when you asked him to compare the two of you, if he had just "told you the truth" right off that you would have been perfectly OK with it? When you harbor a hatred of this woman (this b***h as you call her) simply because of her looks, and in spite of the fact that you have barely had any contact with her? Once you asked that question, a meltdown - your meltdown - was inevitable.

 

Then on the vacation, he saw her and avoided putting everyone together (a wise decision, given your previous reaction) and you pushed him to go socialize with the group? Huh? What? He may have explained himself clumsily, but then that just gave you something more to be upset about, when you could have just said: good, let's spend the night by ourselves (like it was originally going to be, anyway...) and we'll make it special then. See, you complain that they showed up at this place and ruined your weekend, but then you also pushed him to go out and hang with the group because otherwise you'd be sitting around "watching crap movies."

 

I think your ex may have detected a pattern that your relationship put him in a no-win situation too many times, and bailed out. Heck, if he's such a jerk in your eyes, then he effectively did you a favor too, didn't he?

[Carbine]

Well, think of it this way. I tend to think there *is* always someone better than yourself [...] That's the same with a person's physical appearance, and you'll have to admit that [...] It's too bad you don't remember what he said to follow it up...it could have been meaningful words but perhaps you ignored it since you were so infuriated with his choice of who was hotter [...] I dunno...it seems to me like you wanted to be in a social situation and try to compete with her perhaps at a subconscious level. I just don't see why you'd want to be sociable with a person you hate.

 

True, we've run into other better looking girls before but but he's never made such a point of sticking up for them as he does with J. Maybe he's just doing it on purpose to try and teach me a lesson, who knows? There's something I didn't mention about his follow-up as I think it's basically irrelevant; we were both pretty angry at the time and he lost it at one point and pushed me to the floor. Maybe that's added to the way I feel about her. You're partially right about the competing on a subconscious level, but I never actually wanted or tried to be sociable with her! I'm talking about social gatherings of 15 - 40 people from my ex's crowd. I was his gf hence I was kind of expected to rock up.

 

Tell me why a person is responsible for her (or his) body style, slim waist, nice posterior, breast size (natural) etc?

 

I never said they were. But trust me, girls like J know exactly how much power they have from their looks alone and more importantly, how to use/abuse it. That's where the responsibility comes in.

 

The question is: how unattractive are you really?[...]The reason he's not getting back together with you is not because of your jealousy, it's probably because of your unattractiveness!Why don't you post some body shots and then we can a true feel for what's going on here.....

 

Others may disagree with you, but I think you're probably on the right track! I've been told that i've got a pretty face but that I could tone up a bit and lose some fat from certain areas of my body. I guess my looks are pretty understated and I don't do much to bring out my so-called best features - I don't see why I should bother, when there are girls like J around. Yeah I could post some body shots but it'd be pointless; I lost a fair bit of weight a few weeks ago (suddenly and for no apparent reason ). I'd look totally different to what I did back when we broke up.

 

I can see why he broke up with you. You have some serious emotional issues. You seem to think the world revolves around you.

 

Well who is it meant to revolve around? As the saying goes 'you can't please all of the people all of the time'. I'm surviving on this planet for me and nobody else. Hence, I put myself first and never bother wasting effort on things like misplaced altruism or undeserved respect.

 

You think that when you asked him to compare the two of you, if he had just "told you the truth" right off that you would have been perfectly OK with it? [...] Then on the vacation, he saw her and avoided putting everyone together (a wise decision, given your previous reaction) and you pushed him to go socialize with the group? Huh? What? [...] you could have just said: good, let's spend the night by ourselves (like it was originally going to be, anyway...) and we'll make it special then

 

No, I'd have still been upset but not quite to that level. He tried very hard and very obviously to avoid my question which infuriated me and automatically made me think 'well he obviously thinks she's hotter than me, but he must think she's MUCH MUCH MUCH hotter because he's making a gigantic effort to avoid answering. The logical conclusion is that the answer will devastate me'. When he finally did confess, I had to coax the answer out of him in bits and pieces and it was uncharacteristically vague and gentle. Because of this I still don't feel as though he's been entirely honest with me, and this absolutely enrages me. As for pushing him to let us all socialise on the trip, well he's always going on at me to stop acting like a jealous b*tch and to start being nice to girls i'm envious of. I've found this almost impossible to do in the past but he's admitted that he's noticed me making an effort lately. Honestly, I was prepared to put my resentment aside that night simply because I didn't want to be bored all night and also to use it as an opportunity to make a good impression in his eyes. Another thing I wanted to make clear; his attitude changed as soon as he saw her sitting in the car. At that stage I wasn't even aware of her presence and he knew I hadn't seen her because it was dark and because he and the other guys were completely blocking my view of her car. Yet thats when he became nasty and didn't let up for the rest of the trip.

 

I think she needs some one to give it to her straight and let her know that she will NEVER have a good healthy relationship until she deals with her emotional issues.

 

Give what to me straight?? Some sort of life-lesson? Well perhaps you're right but if you think you are that someone annabell, then you're mistaken. You're clearly trying to convince everyone that you're holier than thou and full of invaluable advice, but your comments clearly show that you have very little understanding of the issue. And accusing me of being nuts? Well you shot yourself in the foot at that point, didn't you?

[norajane]

No, I'd have still been upset but not quite to that level. He tried very hard and very obviously to avoid my question which infuriated me and automatically made me think 'well he obviously thinks she's hotter than me, but he must think she's MUCH MUCH MUCH hotter because he's making a gigantic effort to avoid answering. The logical conclusion is that the answer will devastate me'. When he finally did confess, I had to coax the answer out of him in bits and pieces and it was uncharacteristically vague and gentle. Because of this I still don't feel as though he's been entirely honest with me, and this absolutely enrages me.

 

He wasn't trying to be dishonest with you. He avoided answering because he knew how you'd react at hearing the answer, so he hoped to avoid saying anything. You dragged it out of him, and now you're blaming him for having an opinion that he would never have voiced or thought much of.

[Carbine]

Norajane: He is the sort of person who prides himself on being brutally honest. From the way he answered I know without a doubt that he was understating it. I'd made sure he knew WHY I was asking - he may see it as pointless but it's fair for me to want to know what type of look he considers attractive and also to ask the logical question "then why are you with me as opposed to someone who looks like THAT?"