Two Questions...

[RealityCheck]

A married man ever hinted me that, at the spot lose all my respect for him stored for many years, I know him and his wife. things are not like what he said. and I didn't buy one side story. I know how hard his wife tried. and I cut contact with them to minimum.

oh, there are another several, I just laughed them in my heart. I can sense that they just want quick medine to their problems or excitement, if they don't respect me for that amount, they aren't even worth to be friend

 

I don't judge their motivation: probably for love for friendship, and I didn't demean any of these. BUT, their action cause hurts, and when they can choose, they certainly can choose not to hurt others and walk away decently, they are longing for something don't belong to them in the first place.

 

You are generalizing Affairs.

 

Did it ever occur to you that Affairs happen unknowingly? That by the time the OW finds out the man is married they are deeply emotionally attached to the MM.

 

There are not many OW's who have not stated it is painful or that they have not considered the selfishness in it all. Some have also considered the W. A person cannot shut their emotions down like a light switch! It is a process. That is the grey! They are moving through it!

 

Everyone has their own time in process to come to an understanding. It is not up to anyone to decide "when" that will be.

[frannie]

A married man ever hinted me that, at the spot lose all my respect for him stored for many years, I know him and his wife. things are not like what he said. and I didn't buy one side story. I know how hard his wife tried. and I cut contact with them to minimum.

oh, there are another several, I just laughed them in my heart. I can sense that they just want quick medine to their problems or excitement, if they don't respect me for that amount, they aren't even worth to be friend

 

I don't judge their motivation: probably for love for friendship, and I didn't demean any of these. BUT, their action cause hurts, and when they can choose, they certainly can choose not to hurt others and walk away decently, they are longing for something don't belong to them in the first place.

 

Your first paragraph says you've turned down affairs with married men because you sensed their motivation was a desire for "quick medine", well you were probably right about that. Also that you lost respect for a MM you thought was lying to you about the state of his marriage, and again refused an affair with him.

 

Good for you. I'm sure we've ALL of us turned down scores of married men just like those you mentioned. I know I have. Unless we're very naive (and yes, that happens) every woman has turned down a married man because they're just that: married men looking for something on the side.

 

And I don't want to argue with you, but you did, and are still talking about the motivations of those becoming involved with a married person. Here: "choose benefit of themselves" (your earlier post) and "longing for something don't belong to them" (this post). Both of them suggesting that the person going into a relationship with a MP is doing it for reasons of selfish gain, disregarding others.

 

Not only that, you say that people posting on this board are suffering because of that motivation, and because they disregarded others. Again, that's your personal view and you're entitled to it. But I don't see how it's helping anyone much to tell people that their pain is down to them having been selfish, disregarded others, and gone after something that wasn't theirs.

 

Of course there is an extent to which that's true. But it's not the whole story by a long, long way, and it's too much of a generalisation. Just stating my opinion too.

[overandout]

I think that when the mm makes it clear that he isn't leaving. then that is what the OW is/becomes--a bit on the side.

By definition she is just that, as the mm protects the main relationship (family) and will continue the affair if he can get away with it ie. by the affair remaining undetected.

 

When the mm pushes for him to make a decision, only then will she find out just how important she is to him. Never mind all the usual excuses, finances, kids etc.

As I have said before, a man truly in love only wishes to sleep with one woman.

[silktricks]

You are generalizing Affairs.

 

Did it ever occur to you that Affairs happen unknowingly? That by the time the OW finds out the man is married they are deeply emotionally attached to the MM.

 

Sorry, RC, but you also are generalizing affairs. SOME affairs happen unknowingly for the OW as the MM lied about his status, and SOME affairs happen because the two people got caught up, but SOME affairs happen because the the woman knew the man was married didn't care that he was, and went out of her way to seduce him. I've watched that happen more than once, so am fully aware of what I'm talking about.

[RealityCheck]

Sorry, RC, but you also are generalizing affairs. SOME affairs happen unknowingly for the OW as the MM lied about his status, and SOME affairs happen because the two people got caught up, but SOME affairs happen because the the woman knew the man was married didn't care that he was, and went out of her way to seduce him. I've watched that happen more than once, so am fully aware of what I'm talking about.

 

I stand to be corrected! You are absolutely right!

I meant to say "some".

 

I agree with your post.

[Cobra_X30]

Hey, Just jumpin back into LS's greatest thread!!

 

I've noticed a certain dismal similarity to the usernames chosen by most OW. Did I ever mention I hate that term?

[RealityCheck]

Hey, Just jumpin back into LS's greatest thread!!

 

I've noticed a certain dismal similarity to the usernames chosen by most OW. Did I ever mention I hate that term?

 

Yes and most Men like to think that they are packing a snake too!

 

LMAOOOOOOOOOOO

 

Nice of you to drop by......:bunny:

[Cobra_X30]

Yes and most Men like to think that they are packing a snake too!

 

LMAOOOOOOOOOOO

 

Nice of you to drop by......:bunny:

 

Ah... finally a true Cobra reference!

 

Instead of A can we please use some other term like extramarital entanglement?? Instead of MM how about the fidelitly challenged? I think we need to update this stuff a little! It's staid and boring. I havent thought of one to replace OW yet... but I hate that one too!

[lonelybird]

You are generalizing Affairs.

 

Did it ever occur to you that Affairs happen unknowingly? That by the time the OW finds out the man is married they are deeply emotionally attached to the MM.

 

There are not many OW's who have not stated it is painful or that they have not considered the selfishness in it all. Some have also considered the W. A person cannot shut their emotions down like a light switch! It is a process. That is the grey! They are moving through it!

 

Everyone has their own time in process to come to an understanding. It is not up to anyone to decide "when" that will be.

I didn't say it isn't painful for OW, it takes strength and courage and noble to walk away. but compare to wife's painful, some OW decide to comfort own wound or need for love, even try to fight for win. isn't it? and I am aware that some OW are addictive to MM, it isn't healthy, and staying in the affair really doesn't do good but do damage to self as well. if it is true love, you should consider more than just self. If you truly love MM, you should know that an affair really isn't good to his soul to his growth, an affair would hurt his wife and his family, then MM would live in hell if wife find out... there are many things to consider if you extend your love

 

People can control their emotions. If people let emotion run over them, then they are in trouble. and you cannot use 'emotion' to justify things, if some emotion mean to hurt self and others, we should take control over them, if we don't, then we get hurt, others get hurt.

[RealityCheck]

I didn't say it isn't painful for OW, it takes strength and courage and noble to walk away. but compare to wife's painful, some OW decide to comfort own wound or need for love, even try to fight for win. isn't it? and I am aware that some OW are addictive to MM, it isn't healthy, and staying in the affair really doesn't do good but do damage to self as well. if it is true love, you should consider more than just self. If you truly love MM, you should know that an affair really isn't good to his soul to his growth, an affair would hurt his wife and his family, then MM would live in hell if wife find out... there are many things to consider if you extend your love

 

People can control their emotions. If people let emotion run over them, then they are in trouble. and you cannot use 'emotion' to justify things, if some emotion mean to hurt self and others, we should take control over them, if we don't, then we get hurt, others get hurt.

 

I agree with everything you posted.

 

I would like to add one opinion to this post. I agree that a person can take control of their emotions, ONLY when they are ready.

 

Other than that, its a very informative post.

[lonelybird]

Your first paragraph says you've turned down affairs with married men because you sensed their motivation was a desire for "quick medine", well you were probably right about that. Also that you lost respect for a MM you thought was lying to you about the state of his marriage, and again refused an affair with him.

 

Good for you. I'm sure we've ALL of us turned down scores of married men just like those you mentioned. I know I have. Unless we're very naive (and yes, that happens) every woman has turned down a married man because they're just that: married men looking for something on the side.

 

And I don't want to argue with you, but you did, and are still talking about the motivations of those becoming involved with a married person. Here: "choose benefit of themselves" (your earlier post) and "longing for something don't belong to them" (this post). Both of them suggesting that the person going into a relationship with a MP is doing it for reasons of selfish gain, disregarding others.

 

Not only that, you say that people posting on this board are suffering because of that motivation, and because they disregarded others. Again, that's your personal view and you're entitled to it. But I don't see how it's helping anyone much to tell people that their pain is down to them having been selfish, disregarded others, and gone after something that wasn't theirs.

 

Of course there is an extent to which that's true. But it's not the whole story by a long, long way, and it's too much of a generalisation. Just stating my opinion too.

HI, I don't argue:), just try to say more clearly. AGAIN, I don't judge their motivation. their choices cause trouble and hurt. when a OW know that the man is actually an MM, she still can choose to leave. I seriously wonder why so many OW love a man who cheat and lie

 

I didn't say OW isn't painful. I see they are in pain and in denial and torture self, so I tried to find a way to let them see somethings they are denying. the longer you stay in, the painful it becomes

[lonelybird]

I agree with everything you posted.

 

I would like to add one opinion to this post. I agree that a person can take control of their emotions, ONLY when they are ready.

 

Other than that, its a very informative post.

Yes, this is another difficult issue, addictive to another person. when a person could NOT take any crap anymore, any justification won't work anymore, this person would be ready to leave.

 

many women look at men like men are airs and waters and little god, really isn't healthy. Most people who addict to another person are hunger for love for validation. Out of hungerness people hardly can find what they want, but easily taken advantage of. People should fill themselves with love first, should learn to love self (different from selfish) first, learn respect self first

[RealityCheck]

People should fill themselves with love first, should learn to love self

 

This is the key to thy own.

 

Also this is not to say that some people do not fall from grace from time to time based on whatever they are experiencing. No one is perfect. Things happen. It is a process to come back to self as well. Important is that they forgive and accept themselves, and carry on.

 

I also respect those who can admit why they do what they do and feel compassion. Those who do not look for pity, blame others or become a martyr in their transgression. These people have accepted themselves for who they are no matter if someone agrees with their ways or not.

[Hurt & Alone]

Ah... finally a true Cobra reference!

 

Instead of A can we please use some other term like extramarital entanglement?? Instead of MM how about the fidelitly challenged? I think we need to update this stuff a little! It's staid and boring. I havent thought of one to replace OW yet... but I hate that one too!

 

 

Cobra, I hate the term OW as well. I think I orginally posted that question a few months back. While trying to understand my situation I oftened found myself reading articles from 'specialists' regarding the OW. What I found is that an OW is referred to as imaginery. The rel was/is not real to the FC (your term) and the FC should forget about this person.

HELLO.......I am real and the EE was real while it was going on. We still breath and have feelings. Point being I hate the term, I am more than OW. I am important too and supposidly important to the FC while we were together.