No weekends together.

[girlflorida]

I've known this guy for a year now and we finally decided to start dating about two months ago. We are both very attracted to each other and started our relationship w/a lot of passion. As it turns out, we also have a lot in common...he calls me a duplicate of himself...(not sure if that's a good thing) I live w/my parents and really don't want to introduce them to a love interest unless I know it's really going somewhere. (it's just a lot easier that way)...the reason I tell you this is because I spend most of my time at his house. We've been on lunch and dinner dates...but the majority of our time is spent at his home...and that always ends up with a night of passionate sex and breakfast in the morning.

 

His family lives about three hours away and he visits them a lot. He has a lot of obligations at home, practically takes care of his parents home on the weekends. At first he would go every other week, but recently he's gone a lot more...OR his parents come to visit. I'm not comfortable meeting his parents yet, and he's obviously not comfortable introducing me to them because he hasn't asked.

 

Sooo...my problem is...we rarely do anything on the weekends...he's busy w/work/school on the weekdays and seems to always call sometime during the week to invite me over...we just don't go out!! He's sweet to me, treats me great, tells me how beautiful I am, how lucky he is to be w/me....we rarely fight. I just want to go out more often!!

 

Finally, this weekend he's going to be home....but just yesterday he emails me and tells me that his brother is having relationship problems and is coming down for the weekend....and that hopefully he can take him out....where does that leave me? Oh, I also feel like I am always the one initiating going out??? HE ALWAYS says yes...but why isn't he doing any of the asking?

 

Am I over reacting? I've been dealing fine w/this for the past two weeks (not having him home on the weekends) but my patients is starting to thin. I'm not sure how to bring this up to him, I wonder if his intentions are purely sexual...or if he's just giving me the time he has and I should be happy for that. He does call me when he says he will, he emails me...and we go out to dinner once a week...but usually on Sundays.

 

Does anyone have any advice?

[Tony T]

This is a situation where you will just have to come right out and tell him you would enjoy more of his weekend time. Let him know you understand his need to see his parents. See if there's something about this that he hasn't told you...perhaps one of them is very sick or dying. Otherwise, you need to negotiate for some of his weekend time. Get into his head and see what the problem is.

 

If after you have had this discussion with him you can't get more quality time with him during the weekends, then stop accepting so many of his weekday invitations...and start seeing other people. I'm sure there are many nice guys who would love to show you a good time on Saturday night.

 

This guy is pretty empty-headed if he thinks you are going to put up with this over a long period of time. And yes, there is a possiblity that all this may be a sex thing. Hell, he could even be seeing somebody else on the weekends while he's at his parents.

 

Dig into this good. Make yourself happy with the relationship or let it go.

[girlflorida]

Hi Tony! Thank you so much for responding so quickly! I've read a lot of your responses and I must say, everyone who writes a question is very lucky to have your well thought out and educated responses!

 

I suppose I've known all along this is what I have to do, I'm just afraid of scaring him off by being too needy.....although I think it's perfectly normal to have at least one Friday or Saturday night with the person you are dating.

 

Thanks again for your response...feel free to share any other advice you might have!

[Tony T]

I don't think it's being needy by wanting to be with the one you care about on a reasonable basis. You have been very patient. Just be kind and thoughtful in your discussions with him. There are ways you can phrase your wants and desires without seeming demanding.

 

Again, if he doesn't seem to want to give you the time you desire...dump his butt. And in all relationships, you have to ask for your reasonable desires if you ever hope to get them. That's part of a healthy relationship. Always communicate. If you don't discuss this with him now, anger and resentment will fester until you will never want to see him again.

 

How can you possibly feel special to this guy if the first weekend he has available he decides to spend it entirely with some lovesick buddy of his? I think he could have given his friend two or three hours of a shoulder to cry on and given you the rest of the weekend. His priorities are all screwed up.

 

I'm really afraid that you may just have to chalk this one up to experience and move on. The more I think about it, the more this guy seems like a real dork.

[girlflorida]

TOny!!! Aaaaahhhh....I feel the same way! The strange thing is that a couple of days ago he told me that his parents were coming in town and he wouldn't be able to go out w/me this weekend. THen he emailed me and said that his brother was having relationship issues so he invited him down for the weekend??? It's like...which one is it??? Are they all going to visit? Even at that...can't he spend a couple hours w/me?

 

Part of me wants to just stop answering his phone calls and move on....but then another part of me says to give him one more chance and let him know how I feel. I'm just irate thinking that another weekend is here...and he hasn't even asked me out!!

 

Ok...so if I do dump his butt....what is the best way to do it? OR, lets say I don't dump his butt right away...how should I behave? I hate playing games...but I think this guy thinks I'm going to be at his beckon call 24/7!! No thanks!!

 

Sorry...can you tell I'm worked up!! I just don't want to be played!! There are plenty of fish out in the sea for me to not have to be dealing with a jerk!

 

Tony...thanks again for some great advice....I'd love to continue receiving advice from you!

[Just A Girl2]

Hi there,

 

I've read all of your responses here, and I have to tell you, the whole thing sounds mighty fishy to me.

 

First of all, what ages are you both?

 

This "stuff" about spending so many weekends at his parents, that sounds like a crock to me. Sure, it could be true......but it doesn't sound normal. Are his parents old and in need of someone to help them out or something? Surely his parents would *want* him to have his own life, and not feel obligated to spend his weekends with them? And this crap about them coming for the weekend? If this is true, they all sound extremely needy. Most guys don't spend THAT much time with their parents, for God's sake.

 

You sure all these trips to the place where his parents live isn't to see someone else? (girl)

 

And this crap about his brother suddenly having relationship problems and coming to spend the weekend (cuz he invited him).....call me crazy but that sounds suspicious to me. Men generally aren't the type (and sorry if I offend any males here with this possible sweeping generalization) to get all emotional about relationship problems, and need to 'get away' and tell others about them. You sure he doesn't have some other girl coming to visit him? If I were you, I'd make a point of stopping by for a visit this weekend, or letting him know you'd like to meet his brother..............that's DEFINITELY what I'd do!

 

And why on earth are you both communicating by EMAIL? I'm assuming you live in the same city/town, why aren't you communicating by phone? Seems strange to me that he lets you know about his weekend plans by email. Is it that hard to pick up a phone??

 

You've known him for a year..what's his dating history been like? History of cheating?

 

I think it stinks that he only has time for you on Sundays, or maybe the odd time during the week. That's not a relationship. He should be fitting you into his life, and his weekends.....why should his family come before you? (if that's even true, which I'm thinking it's not) Of course family are important, but there needs to be a BALANCE......well, that's if he's wanting a relationship.

 

Funny, he always finds the time for sex, though.

 

I'd NEVER put up with a guy who didn't make time for me on the weekend, whether it be a Friday or Saturday. He should be fitting you into his schedule/his weekends, and making plans with you to do things on the weekend, in ADVANCE. Otherwise, it really appears that he's just using you for sex...and that he's got something else going on the side.

 

I'd keep your eyes and ears open, and I'd make yourself much less available. I'd also make a visit to his place, say, Saturday morning...you know, bring over some coffee and donuts, or breakfast from McDonald's....say you just wanted to surprise him, and meet his brother.......then see what's really going on there.

 

Good luck.

[girlflorida]

Hi Just A Girl 2! THank you so much for taking the time out to write me!! It really means a lot!!

 

WEll, this guy is definitely a rare case! I'm 25 and he's 28. His parents are in their seventies and rely on him for a lot!! But, they also spoil him rotten...it's almost like they manipulate him with their money. Does that make any sense? He drives a 50,000 Porsche...he lives in a house (his parents purchased for him)...he has a house on the beach (his parents purchased for him) and he owns every other little gadget and accessory you can imagine.

 

I never questioned how he acquired all of these things...and then finally the truth started coming out. As far as him going up to see a girl, when he visits the rents....well, that never really crossed my mind because he calls me more when he's there than when he's in town. He is in Med school (has two years left) and as you all know, that is a very demanding discipline.

 

He called me at 11:30p.m., and said his brother was passed out drunk...I guess he took him out to try to forget his "girl" problems. He then asked me if I wanted to come over and spend the night (how convenient) he mentioned how he missed me and wanted to see me. He really wanted me to come over tonight and then have breakfast with he and his brother....I don't think he'd ask me that if his brother really wasn't in town...but I do understand your concern about a guy being so "emotional" about a girl. I think it was more a matter of getting trashed and having his brothers support. (once again...a very tight family)

 

Needless to say, I told him that I wasn't interested in coming over...that if he really wanted to spend time with me, he should have thought about that earlier in the evening...I think I even mentioned "booty call"...and he said "that's not how it is"....I told him that I wanted to spend a weekend night going out with him and he said "done deal."...so I guess I will wait to see if he keeps his word next weekend.

 

I think he is slowly starting to get the hint that I will not tolerate being treated like this. I know it all sounds so fishy...only because it's a really rare thing to see a grown man so involved in family life. I often wonder if there will ever really be room for me in his family,....considering the fact that he's such a "mama's boy."

 

As I have stated before, part of me wants to end it now. But a bigger part of me really enjoys the time I do get to spend with him. We are always laughing and playing and being goofy...something I've never really experienced in a prior relationship. For the first time I feel like I can be myself instead of trying to be "Miss Perfectionist."

 

As for his past relationships....he was in a five month relationship prior to me...and as far as I know, the girl was an alcoholic, so he dumped her.

 

Is my story starting to make more sense? Who thinks I should dump the guy? Who thinks I should stay??

[Just A Girl2]

Hi there,

Thanks for providing more info! And hey, GOOD FOR YOU!, for standing up to him last night.....and standing your ground and yeah, not being his booty call, that's excellent as hard as it might have been to do.

 

Okay, so based on all the material things his parents have lavished upon him, he sounds like a spoiled rotten brat. Heh. How many med students have 50K Porches? LOL Yep, maybe his parents do manipulate him, with material things...and because they spoil him, he feels a certain sense of obligation to them. But....that's a big red flag, I'd say...if you're ever considering a long-term relationship together. You can already see that his parents will always come first, he's spoiled, he's a Mommy's boy, and that you seem to come last on his priority list, above anyone in his family. Spoiled people generally have a real knack for taking people for granted....which I think is what he's doing with you...and that sucks.

 

He's 28 and his parents are in their 70s? Hmmm, you know this for a fact? That would mean they had him when they were late 40's or so. You sure he's being straight with you?

 

Gotta tell you, things in the beginning of a relationship generally don't get better..they generally get worse over time. If after a year of being friends, and 2 months of dating, he's putting you last and putting everyone but you FIRST, chances are a) he's too clueless and selfish to realize that he's doing this....and b) things likely aren't going to ever change. Goodness, he's not a kid, he's a grown man....and you'd *think* a grown man would know enough to make a place in his free time for his girlfriend, right? You shouldn't even HAVE to be explaining this too him. I don't imagine he just fell off the turnip truck LOL

 

But yeah, you're more than free to see if what you told him 'sinks in' and if he makes any actual changes.....how next weekend goes, but if I were in your shoes, I'd probably try to face the fact that things will likely not get better, and you're always going to feel last on the list......his family will always continue to come first........and just try to gradually wean yourself off of him (in terms of your feelings for him) .......sort of slowly detach yourself.......and hey, if he gets his sh*t together, it's a bonus, if not, you've really not lost anything....and then you can focus on finding a guy who knows how to treat you. :-)

[girlflorida]

Okay...so what do you think I did tonight? I went out...got intoxicated...and called him up to see if I could stop by for some loven!! He denied me the time because the dogs would bark and wake his rents up!! I felt like such a dumb ass for even calling!! Grrrrr...I had the ball in my court and I had to go and mess things up!! I was so good last night and said no...but then I do exactly what he did last night!! What's wrong with me????

 

I guess the bottom line is I miss him and wish I could see him more often. If things don't start to change I must slowly let him go....that makes me really sad!! BUT I must face reality.

 

OH...and Just A Girl 2....I think you have some great points. His family will most likely always be first in his life...I'm really starting to wonder if things could ever change. I do know that his parents really are in their 70's....he is the youngest of like 12 kids!!! All from different marriages....crazy huh!!

 

We'll see how tomorrow goes...I hope we can sit down and have a heart to heart discussion!

 

Thanks for the advice!

[girlflorida]

Well...well...well...I met with my guy today and we had a wonderful lunch together! I communicated my issues w/him about feeling like everyone else in his life comes first. He said that he was really sorry about neglecting me lately but his father has been really sick and he's had to help his mother out. He just feels like he has to spend as much time with his father as he can, because there is no telling how long he will live.

 

Then he shocked me by asking me if I would spend a long weekend with him in the Bahamas (next weekend)...

 

Sooo....off to the Bahamas I go....thank you all for encouraging me to stand my ground and do what everyone has to remember to do in a healthy relationship...COMMUNICATE YOUR NEEDS!!

 

I'll keep you posted on how things are going!