john 07 Posted August 22, 2007 Share Posted August 22, 2007 My ex broke it off with me in early march after more than 6 years. A couple days later shes with this guy that I know. They were on a quote and quote break during the summer but got right back togather when they got back onto campus. I did all the begging and calling for a while. I have been in NC for 3 months now. She called a week ago. I didnt pick up so she called with her dads phone. I picked up and it was her. She called to tell me that she was going to take back all her stuff from my apartment(she has a spare key). Thats the only reason why she called. It hurt at first. Now im back in NC again. But im sure ill bump into her on campus. I feel that NC has allowed me to heal. I do get that heartbroken feeling here and there but its no where as bad as the first 2 months. I am not as needy. Although I feel that I am healing, I feel as if my ex and I are strangers now. I feel as if I have pushed her away even further. I dont know why. Maybe i havent let go all of her yet. While in NC, she called every 10 days or so, but i never picked up b/c I wanted to make sure I was healing. I feel all that time invested into this person was such a waste. 7yrs of an amazing friendship all gone. I feel as if she doesnt care about me. Im sure she misses somethings. Honestly i want to give it another try when I have become a better person. Do feelings ever come back even after being broken apart for more than 6 months? I guess today is just one of those days for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Scorpio13c Posted August 22, 2007 Share Posted August 22, 2007 Hey John, Was she your "Girlfriend" or just friend? Link to post Share on other sites
Author john 07 Posted August 22, 2007 Author Share Posted August 22, 2007 Hey John, Was she your "Girlfriend" or just friend? She was my beautiful GF Link to post Share on other sites
Fun2BMe Posted August 22, 2007 Share Posted August 22, 2007 I think NC is good to heal yourself but if you still want her back, then you have to put another plan into place. Link to post Share on other sites
birdie Posted August 22, 2007 Share Posted August 22, 2007 Hi John, Really glad to hear you are getting better slowly, I am sure you don't need to be a better person though. You need to work out why you broke up, it takes two to manage and build something like this, the responsibility is not on your shoulders only! I think you should take time to decide whether you want her back. It takes ages for both parties to move on fully after 6 years, that's for sure. Hopefully you will be in a place soon where you will be able to review it with full rationality. Good luck and well done for handling it so well. Link to post Share on other sites
heartoutside Posted August 22, 2007 Share Posted August 22, 2007 I don't mean to jump into this thread, but Fun2BMe what you're saying seems to be different then what everyone else is saying. Or maybe I'm missing something? My ex broke up with me about 2 month ago, and I've been fighting with what I should do. There was nothing wrong with our relationship whatsoever, she just up and left. BUt most people on here say move on, go NC, she's not worth it. And I go back and forth on that every day. Some days I feel like I should just move on, others I feel like I didn't really put in the fight and effort when she asked for a "break." I guess if I want to go after her, I've got to be willing to ride this *****ty rollercoaster of emotion? Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted August 22, 2007 Share Posted August 22, 2007 I think NC is good to heal yourself but if you still want her back, then you have to put another plan into place. I don't mean to jump into this thread, but Fun2BMe what you're saying seems to be different then what everyone else is saying. Or maybe I'm missing something? My ex broke up with me about 2 month ago, and I've been fighting with what I should do. There was nothing wrong with our relationship whatsoever, she just up and left. BUt most people on here say move on, go NC, she's not worth it. And I go back and forth on that every day. Some days I feel like I should just move on, others I feel like I didn't really put in the fight and effort when she asked for a "break." I guess if I want to go after her, I've got to be willing to ride this *****ty rollercoaster of emotion? I think Fun2BMe makes a point that is consistent with the idea of NC, if you realize that NC is not simply the one-size-fits-all "way to deal with a breakup." If you want to get back together, to "fight for it", to work on it, or whatever, then NC is probably not the way to go. On the other hand, if you are at the point of accepting that a relationship is over (or if you have committed to the idea that the relationship needs to be over...) then NC is a way of helping yourself, of healing yourself. NC is not a tool to manipulate an existing relationship, it is a policy to help promote self-healing and to insulate you from getting drawn back into drama and distractions of the now-over relationship once you have committed to moving on. With that background, I hear Fun2BMe's comments as being a different angle, but still consistent with the overall theme. If the OP is really moving on, then good work with the NC. But if you are truly intending for an eventual reconciliation, then NC clearly can't be your policy forever... Link to post Share on other sites
Fun2BMe Posted August 22, 2007 Share Posted August 22, 2007 I don't mean to jump into this thread, but Fun2BMe what you're saying seems to be different then what everyone else is saying. Or maybe I'm missing something? My ex broke up with me about 2 month ago, and I've been fighting with what I should do. There was nothing wrong with our relationship whatsoever, she just up and left. BUt most people on here say move on, go NC, she's not worth it. And I go back and forth on that every day. Some days I feel like I should just move on, others I feel like I didn't really put in the fight and effort when she asked for a "break." I guess if I want to go after her, I've got to be willing to ride this *****ty rollercoaster of emotion? Sorry to hear you're hurting heartout. When you say that what I'm saying is different than what others are saying, can you be more specific on which part of my comment? It sounds like you want to still be with her, so I don't know how anyone here can realistically tell you whether or not she is worth it. If YOU think she's worth it, then you should make an effort so that you won't have any regrets in the future. Once you've tried everything you can to get her back and it didn't work, THEN you should move on. But if you are still in love and haven't tried anything other than to give up and move on, then what kind of love is that? A weak one. That's my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
madgun68 Posted August 22, 2007 Share Posted August 22, 2007 I don't mean to jump into this thread, but Fun2BMe what you're saying seems to be different then what everyone else is saying. Or maybe I'm missing something? My ex broke up with me about 2 month ago, and I've been fighting with what I should do. There was nothing wrong with our relationship whatsoever, she just up and left. BUt most people on here say move on, go NC, she's not worth it. And I go back and forth on that every day. Some days I feel like I should just move on, others I feel like I didn't really put in the fight and effort when she asked for a "break." I guess if I want to go after her, I've got to be willing to ride this *****ty rollercoaster of emotion?Heart, At the end of the day, the only person that can decide that you ex isn't worth it is YOU. Nobody else here knows that person like you do. Remember, NC is about you and ONLY you. It's a personal decision everyone should make on their own. It's done because, for a lot of people, remaining in contact with their ex is just too painful. It's harder to let go of that other person if you're in contact. You may contact them in moments of weakness and do all of the begging and pleading for another chance; something that will like push your ex further away. If reconciliation isn't possible, remaining in contact can also keep that hope alive in you when it just isn't possible. Instead of moving on and healing yourself, you're stuck going through the pain of hoping for something that just isn't meant to be. NC doesn't take in to account the feelings of an ex at all. Something that needs to be considered. If another chance IS possible, NC may very well be counter-productive to that. Before you decide on what you're going to do (Remain in contact or go NC) you need to really think about each option before you decide. If you decide you wish to remain in contact, you should be fully prepared that the worst outcome will come to pass. Can you handle the emotional burden of that? Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
heartoutside Posted August 23, 2007 Share Posted August 23, 2007 I've posted my story, the whole thing from start to now on here, and to be honest I still don't know what to do? (and i don't want to bore you with it again) But I have some friends telling me one thing (most of whom are still recovering from either a bitter divorce, or bad break ups), I have my brother telling me it's over, and then I have another friend who is totally out of my loop of friends here (and in the states for that matter) telling me that I should fight for her love and that she can't just walk away like she has without giving me a reason why. She wanted space and I gave it to her, but when I gave her space and didn't talk to her for several days she ended up calling me and telling me she loved me and missed me. And then wouldn't stop sending me text messages. I was in such a mental mess at the time that I didn't know how to react to her sending me text messages all the time. So I told our mutual friend (who is coming off a 1 year relationship that ended suddenly) that she was texting me and I didn't know how to react, so he took it upon himself to tell her to stop and she still kept doing it. He then told her that I was looking for closure (Which I never said), but she still hasn't given it to me (not that she should). There are just so many things that seem like she is still trying to hold on but is affraid to give into that emotion. Such as getting mad at me for going on a trip to south america (a trip she and I were suppose to go on) and taking her time to move out of our apartment, and not having her things out when she said she would have them out (and she knew that she had to have them out!) And then keeping pictures of us up in her new apartment in the weeks that followed (that's not normal!) I don't know what to do?! I have only contacted her twice since she took a break from us. Once to tell her to get her things out of my apartment because I had a roommate moving in (and needed the keys) and this past week telling her it was nice to see her. Both times I didn't think she would reply and she did........ In the few days that followed our break up I wrote her 2 notes (both of which I know she kept) one saying that I'm sorry for taking her love and her for granted and that I would do what ever it takes to make this work. The other was about her being a very special person and that everyone and myself include doesn't hate her for what she is doing. That's it.....I mean I've done NC. But now, now it seems like she won't contact me anymore (after my trip to south america she doesn't feel like she can trust me anymore because she thinks I was trying to hide it from her). And I don't want to push her away by contacting her, but sometimes I feel like I should........basically I just don't know which path to take........and the hard part is, our lives are very much intertwined. Several of her good friends are my good friends and as of right now she doesnt' even really hang out with them anymore, not like she did. Both roads are a hard, and I'm not sure which to take. It's just hard to believe that 2 weeks before she broke up with me she was looking at wedding rings. Link to post Share on other sites
Fun2BMe Posted August 23, 2007 Share Posted August 23, 2007 In the few days that followed our break up I wrote her 2 notes (both of which I know she kept) one saying that I'm sorry for taking her love and her for granted and that I would do what ever it takes to make this work. The other was about her being a very special person and that everyone and myself include doesn't hate her for what she is doing. I think those notes were disasterous. You had your opportunity to play off her emotions when she was contacting you after the break up. I don't know the details - who broke up with who - sounds like she broke it off, you got hurt and shunned her when she wanted to get back together, and then sent those disasterous notes and went on a trip she was supposed to have gone with you - obviously she was contacting you like crazy thinking you'd be forgiving enough of her to take her along on the trip with you. I'd be pissed off too if you went without me on a trip we had planned. But then again it's understandable if she broke up then what does she expect, things to be back to normal? At this point you still have a chance, but don't write those types of notes!!! At least act like you are mad at her and hurt and maybe if she is deserving you will forgive her and consider getting back together, but don't go telling her you took her for granted. Why would she want to be with someone telling her they took her for granted? I wouldn't. It would remind me of why I shouldn't be with you. And to tell her you and everyone doesn't hate her says that the whole world knows what's going on and must hate her. Try to be more diplomatic and romantic and focus on her in a positive light so she feels safe and loved. Maybe plan a romantic dinner or take her on a raincheck trip - something and somewhere that will be hard for her to turn down and don't be so patronizing on yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted August 23, 2007 Share Posted August 23, 2007 Guys, this is getting close to a threadjack of john's thread here... Heart - it sound like you are dealing with some difficult stuff - I'll check in on your thread and see if I have anything to add over there... John - like birdie said, you will eventually have to decide whether (a) you want her back, and (b) whether, in spite of that, there is any chance of getting her back. If either one of these is "no", then NC, as you found, is a useful process to avoid being dragged around, sucked back in, etc... Unfortunately, I don't think anyone here can diagnose the likelihood that feelings may redevelop in the future in your specific case. I suspect it's not unheard of, but also not terribly common, either. And although it is probably tempting, you should not orient your personal development goals towards "winning her back." You will grow healthy and develop most favorably if you make a clean break, and do it for yourself. You are the target, your life is the goal. At some point in your future - near or far - you will be with someone who will appreciate you for who you are, who you have become at that point. Whether it is your ex or not, we can't predict, and you shouldn't worry about. In a year, your life will be different, in ways small and large that you can't predict right now. Go out and embrace your future, and see what you find there... Link to post Share on other sites
heartoutside Posted August 23, 2007 Share Posted August 23, 2007 Sorry about that, I ddin't mean to take over the thread..... Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted August 23, 2007 Share Posted August 23, 2007 Sorry about that, I ddin't mean to take over the thread..... hey, you deserve to be heard, but I just wanted to nudge it back towards john's OP... Link to post Share on other sites
Fun2BMe Posted August 23, 2007 Share Posted August 23, 2007 hey, you deserve to be heard, but I just wanted to nudge it back towards john's OP... I forgot about John, thought I was responding to him when it was heart lol Link to post Share on other sites
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