Question For all Betrayed Wives.

[Impudent Oyster]

Yanno what? I think it's actually 3 years! I must be getting better, I can't remember!

[Fun2BMe]

2 years, but never does a day go by that I don't think of it, and it doesn't help that I see OW around town. She also has children the same age.

 

Do you really want MM's wife seeing you EVERY day?

 

That's a good point. Although you want to hurt the husband by telling his wife, at the end of the day, if his ego is as big as you say and that he doesn't get hurt, the only person to get hurt is his wife and you will be the one doing it out of revenge, not to help her which is an excuse you are fooling yourself with. You want to hurt him, but you are going to end up hurting her and then yourself by feeling guilty about it, for ruining someone else's marriage.

[child_of_isis]

Tell her. She wants to know.

 

She already knows intuitively, but he has probably gaslighted her into confusion.

 

Which is the cruelest thing possible.

 

Tell her and let her see that she is not delusional (which is the point of gaslighting...making one feel delusional)

 

Do her a favor.

 

what has stopped you from doing it up until now? One of the big thing's that has stopped me is how the W will react?

 

what has prompted you to really want to do it now?

 

I can't seem to erase from my mind how very much she seemed to want to know about her H's involvement with me. Like I have said before, I should have just told her the truth then, but I choose not to! One of the reason's I choose not to that night was because we had all had a few to many drink's. I did not feel that unleashing that kind of new's should be done with an altered state of mind. This is eating at me big time Tom!

[Impudent Oyster]

She already knows intuitively, but he has probably gaslighted her into confusion.

 

 

Don't be so sure of that. I didn't know, I thought I had one of the best marriages on the planet.

 

Whatever, but you can sure that the wife will be in for a world of pain.

[Meaplus3]

Do you know that for a FACT? And even if it's true, what business is it of yours?

 

If he's a serial cheater his wife WILL find out.

 

Again, please tell me what he did to you? You keep claiming he did something horrible to you, it would help us all give advice if we knew what it was.

 

I guees it's the fact that if he suspected that I had issues with H then why could he just not leave me alone! For the first 8 month's of the ea I was trying to walk away and he kept realing me back in with his Munipulate behavior. He told me so many lies, that my head was spinning. I was so out of touch with my h and family I felt like I was on some mental "Hoilday" however it was NO holiday!! He said to many thing's to me while in the ea, thing's that pointed to the fact that he's had ea's before! Look I know I was a FOOL to even fall for him, but I did and I do regret it! I realize none of you were there but I was and trust me you would fully understand if you did see the whole picture!

 

AP:)

[Meaplus3]

Do you know that for a FACT? And even if it's true, what business is it of yours?

 

If he's a serial cheater his wife WILL find out.

 

Again, please tell me what he did to you? You keep claiming he did something horrible to you, it would help us all give advice if we knew what it was.

 

If he's a serial cheater his wife WILL find out.

 

I do NOT believe that! This mm is way to "Crafty" to let his W find out a thing!

 

AP:)

[Fun2BMe]

I guees it's the fact that if he suspected that I had issues with H then why could he just not leave me alone! For the first 8 month's of the ea I was trying to walk away and he kept realing me back in with his Munipulate behavior. He told me so many lies, that my head was spinning. I was so out of touch with my h and family I felt like I was on some mental "Hoilday" however it was NO holiday!! He said to many thing's to me while in the ea, thing's that pointed to the fact that he's had ea's before! Look I know I was a FOOL to even fall for him, but I did and I do regret it! I realize none of you were there but I was and trust me you would fully understand if you did see the whole picture!

 

AP:)

 

So basically he's scum but your idea of getting back at him by getting involved in his marriage and ruining it and hurting his wife is wrong IMO even though yes it will hurt him. It still doesn't make it ok. You'll be as scummy as him just to get even with him.

[PoshPrincess]

I'll answer your question, I found out about H's EA from an anonymous source, but I'm 99.9% positive the source was OW. D-day occurred the day after my H told OW that he was not leaving me and that they couldn't have a relationship and she should find an available man (she was single).

 

And your 'oh so honest' husband told you all this, did he? "Oh, I told the OW I didn't want to be with her, that you were the only one I loved...." blah blah blah. Don't make me laugh!

[Impudent Oyster]

I guees it's the fact that if he suspected that I had issues with H then why could he just not leave me alone!

AP:)

 

Did you tell him to leave you alone? Refuse his calls? Refuse to speak to him?

 

Look, you've got to accept some responsibility here. How did the A end?

 

Maybe he is a serial cheat, maybe his wife suspects but doesn't care, I know a woman like that, she doesn't want her world rocked...who knows what goes on in their house. You don't, so let it be. If you tell, prepare yourself for some major drama.

 

I don't know, maybe that's what you want?

[Impudent Oyster]

And your 'oh so honest' husband told you all this, did he? "Oh, I told the OW I didn't want to be with her, that you were the only one I loved...." blah blah blah. Don't make me laugh!

 

Actually, I read their emails, so I saw what he wrote to her and what she wrote to him.

 

I sure as hell wouldn't have believed a word he said at that point, but I'm glad I made you laugh. I'm always intrigued by a woman who can find humor in people's pain. Fascinating.

 

Do you torture small animals for a real belly laugh?

[Trimmer]

AP - what will be enough for you to move on? Without being able to predict what her reaction will be, or to predict what the overall outcome will be (which may take years to play out...) will it be enough simply for you to tell her? Without knowing what may happen, will you really be able to move on then, focus on your own family, and begin to ignore them and their marriage?

 

The reason I ask, is I am concerned that you have based your need to tell co much on what is happening in their marriage, on his behavior, etc. that I am concerned that if you tell, and you don't get a satisfactory result, in terms of some change in their marriage or in his behavior, that you will still be frustrated an agonize over it. For example, if she hears you, but you believe you "notice" that he has not changed his ways, what happens with you then?

 

I think that whether you call it feeling victimized, not taking responsibility for your actions and yours alone, or whatever, your continued focus on his behavior and trying to correct it is preventing your from fully "owning" your own situation, your own behavior and your own marriage. Listen to yourself: even when you "take responsibility" for your actions, it is often conditioned with some kind of a "but" that throws resonsibility back over to "the snake"... You claim you are not acting like a victim, "BUT" he really pulled a number on you and your family, you fell for his trap, etc.... You made a one-time mistake, "BUT" he is different because he will do it again.

 

Your BUTs may all be true, but you are using them to deflect full and sole ownership of your behavior, and - I'm sounding like a broken record now - this distraction is keeping you from fully focusing on your family.

 

Again, I am now concerned that you are so focused on their behavior within their marriage that even if you do decide to "tell," if it doesn't result in some recognizable and satisfactory effect, you will remain irritated, and you will still be right back where you started, needing to break your emotional connection with him/them.

 

Several people have asked, but I don't think I saw a response from you: have you run these feelings by your therapist, and what does he/she say?

[justice]

If the ow would have come to be and told me in an honest capacity and with some proof, I'd have not liked her too much but I would have appreciated it very much. I DESERVED to know the truth. It would have saved me months of unhappiness and insecurity. No one deserves to be kept in the dark like that, it only hurts worse when you find out the truth later on. I commend you for your courage although I'm likely to get flamed for being one of the only ones having this view. I wish you a world of luck.

[PoshPrincess]

Actually, I read their emails, so I saw what he wrote to her and what she wrote to him.

 

I sure as hell wouldn't have believed a word he said at that point, but I'm glad I made you laugh. I'm always intrigued by a woman who can find humor in people's pain. Fascinating.

 

Do you torture small animals for a real belly laugh?

 

Apologies, IO. I really am sorry for what I said. I just get really annoyed when we as the OW are constantly questioned for believing the lying, cheating MMs when so many BWs are fed a pack of lies too but I guess we all believe what we want to believe. I should have asked you first if you had proof of what your H was telling you but I guess I was getting angry with my own situation and taking it out on you.

 

I am glad that you and your H have been able to move on and hope things continue to work out for you. It's good to hear that some people are able to recover from such a horrible mess.

[Impudent Oyster]

Apologies, IO. I really am sorry for what I said. I just get really annoyed when we as the OW are constantly questioned for believing the lying, cheating MMs when so many BWs are fed a pack of lies too but I guess we all believe what we want to believe. I should have asked you first if you had proof of what your H was telling you but I guess I was getting angry with my own situation and taking it out on you.

 

I am glad that you and your H have been able to move on and hope things continue to work out for you. It's good to hear that some people are able to recover from such a horrible mess.

 

Okay, understand, but hell no did I believe anything he said!

 

Affairs turn people into suspicious, untrusting amateur detectives. It's the gift that keeps on giving...

[PoshPrincess]

Several people have asked, but I don't think I saw a response from you: have you run these feelings by your therapist, and what does he/she say?

 

Hi AP, re the above - do you have a therapist? If not, I think it might be a good idea for you to talk to someone. Not about MM and his marriage but about your own feelings, which obviously go deeper than just this A a you were unhappy in your M beforehand. I myself have been seeing a therapist as I want to get to the underlying problems of WHY I became involved in such a destructive R in the first place.

[Impudent Oyster]

If the ow would have come to be and told me in an honest capacity and with some proof, I'd have not liked her too much but I would have appreciated it very much. I DESERVED to know the truth. It would have saved me months of unhappiness and insecurity. No one deserves to be kept in the dark like that, it only hurts worse when you find out the truth later on. .

 

Justice, how long ago did you find out? I felt this way up until a few months ago, now I'm starting to believe that I really and truly wish I had never known.

[Trimmer]

Hi AP, re the above - do you have a therapist? If not, I think it might be a good idea for you to talk to someone.

I assumed she did - at least in the past - based on this comment in her other thread:

Sorry but I feel it had much to do with the state of both of our marriages. If all was so perfect in each then neither one of us would have fond the ea so appealing, this is something my therapist said to me many times and I believe it!

[justice]

Justice, how long ago did you find out? I felt this way up until a few months ago, now I'm starting to believe that I really and truly wish I had never known.

 

It seems like it has been forever, it has been what? A year and a half now or better? When the real truth did finally come out, I felt as if I were set free, I still have my bad times, but I never doubt for a moment that I did the right thing in divorcing my husband. He was alot like AP's other man and I just knew deep down in my heart that I could never trust him ever again. I feel alot better now, living on my own and not having to decipher whether or not the truth is being told to me. I have a full life now, one that gets stronger every day. And I plan on going forward and never looking back. Honesty is always the best policy, it truly is.

[Impudent Oyster]

It seems like it has been forever, it has been what? A year and a half now or better? When the real truth did finally come out, I felt as if I were set free, I still have my bad times,.

 

Now this is the point that sticks in my craw...how do you ever truly know that you've gotten all of the "real truth"?

 

This is what makes me crazy, because once you know your spouse cheated, you never really know what went on every time they met, what he said, what he told her about you, it's maddening! It's like you have this overwhelming need to know but it's just not possible.

 

That's why I feel you're never truly free from that cloud of deception. It sucks.

[whichwayisup]

AP, whatever you decide - I just hope you're able to put whatever feelings are left, good/bad, whatever - And get to the point where you don't care at all. To be indifferent completely when it comes to exMM and his wife. They'll be just like any other neighbour on your street. Nothing more, nothing less.

[PoshPrincess]

I assumed she did - at least in the past - based on this comment in her other thread:

 

Thanks Trimmer! I sometimes miss things as I log on from work and just scan through some of the threads!

 

IO, I think I would feel the same if it were me (re wishing you had never known). "What you know doesn't hurt you" as they say, although this would totally depend on whether an A was a 'one off' or not and whether anyone else knew what was going on. I would imagine there's nothing worse than everyone knowing but you that your partner is having an A.

 

In Justice's case, if her H had the ability to be a serial cheater then finding out would be a case of 'the sooner the better'. No one wants to be the last to know.

[justice]

Now this is the point that sticks in my craw...how do you ever truly know that you've gotten all of the "real truth"?

 

This is what makes me crazy, because once you know your spouse cheated, you never really know what went on every time they met, what he said, what he told her about you, it's maddening! It's like you have this overwhelming need to know but it's just not possible.

 

That's why I feel you're never truly free from that cloud of deception. It sucks.

 

IO, I've not really read much of your situation, are you still with your H? I take it you are. That's kind of my point though, I knew I had enough truth to make a decision, we were still married at that point, but I also knew it wasn't the whole truth and he was still hiding alot of stuff and it was finally the hiding stuff and the small white lies that I caught him in that enabled me to make the final call. I couldn't live with him without the whole truth of the issue. If you are going to start over and really work on a marriage and you are the one who cheated, then you need to provide total honesty and not hide or lie about anything in regard to the affair when your marriage partner asks. It is crucial. After D day comes, you have to kind of work up from ground zero in order to rebuild, if you know what I'm trying to say. You have to start from a place that has been taken back to it's natural and raw state, clean of any lies totally before you can learn to fix things and make them solid, otherwise, like a building that has a bad, shaky foundation, the marriage will tumble and break apart.

[justice]

Thanks Trimmer! I sometimes miss things as I log on from work and just scan through some of the threads!

 

IO, I think I would feel the same if it were me (re wishing you had never known). "What you know doesn't hurt you" as they say, although this would totally depend on whether an A was a 'one off' or not and whether anyone else knew what was going on. I would imagine there's nothing worse than everyone knowing but you that your partner is having an A.

 

In Justice's case, if her H had the ability to be a serial cheater then finding out would be a case of 'the sooner the better'. No one wants to be the last to know.

 

Hi Posh! There's something I haven't posted, I found out that my exH had had two more minor affairs before the one that I found out about, minor because neither one of them went further than them sleeping together three or four times. So he was indeed a serial cheater. Had I of known there would not have been a third affair in our marriage because I would have left him then and there. And no, no one especially not the wronged spouse wants to be the last one to know. I always want the truth, no matter how much it hurts me. I am better for it.

[Impudent Oyster]

IO, I've not really read much of your situation, are you still with your H? I take it you are. That's kind of my point though, I knew I had enough truth to make a decision, we were still married at that point, but I also knew it wasn't the whole truth and he was still hiding alot of stuff and it was finally the hiding stuff and the small white lies that I caught him in that enabled me to make the final call. I couldn't live with him without the whole truth of the issue. If you are going to start over and really work on a marriage and you are the one who cheated, then you need to provide total honesty and not hide or lie about anything in regard to the affair when your marriage partner asks. It is crucial..

 

I agree with you Justice. As far as I know (again, you never truly know if you've gotten the whole truth), my husband has been truthful and isn't hiding anything or lying, but if I did find out that he was?

 

I'd have to end the marriage.

 

Bottom line, you have to carefully weigh all options and make the right decision for you and your children.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I was so out of touch with my h and family I felt like I was on some mental "Hoilday" however it was NO holiday!!

 

And your still “out of touch”, AP. Considering you spend more time obsessing about the neighbor’s husband and marriage than you do focusing on repairing the damage you have done to your own. People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Wouldn’t be wise to become too smug at this point that your own husband will continue to offer you support and help you to feel “safe and secure” while you constantly obsess over another lover you were jilted by and are clearly not finished with.

 

Until you get back into your own marriage (where you belong) ... you are still on a “mental holiday”. Perhaps some professional counseling would help you to find closure in a more mature, healthy and responsible way before you turn into a bunny-boiler and compound your “mistakes”.

 

Rather than asking strangers whether or not you should nuke the neighbor’s husband because he had the audacity to replace you with another mistress ... perhaps you should confide in your husband and ask him what he thinks about your plan. After all, his opinion is the ONLY one that should count at this point. Especially since he and your family will also be included as part of your collateral damage, again.