Question For all Betrayed Wives.

[movinon05]

I have to ask this for clarification as I hear this often enough:

 

An OW is not the one who cheated on MM's wife and so she is not resposible for the pain caused the BW.

 

Here AP, you are saying that MM is responsible for the hurt your affair caused your family.

 

Which is it?

 

AP has already accepted responsibility for her part. Don't twist her words just because she doesn't say it in every single post!

[East of Jupiter]

The conclusion I would draw is that,

 

A) AP pursued MM, and was NOT manipulated in the least.

B) MM put the brakes on the relationship and ended it.

C) AP is bent on making MM pay for not reciprocating her declarations of love.

D) Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

 

Thanks James, your post answered a LOT of questions and makes the situation so much clearer now.

 

 

I draw from all of it that the MM is a great guy. Despite all of AP's manipulations and pushiness, he was honest and seemed kind in letting her down. He simply loves his wife and was not interested in her the way she fantasized.

 

I doubt now the many terrible things AP has said about the MM and his wife. Just as AP said, he is happy in his marriage, he loves his wife and he didn't want to have sex despite she was practically throwing herself at him. He even told her he didn't want to hurt her or her husband.

 

Man, I wish my husband was this kind of player!

 

I don't think she has the power to destroy the MM's marriage and she knows it. The man may have crossed some boundaries but in the end, he was all gentleman. She was no lady.

 

Now can you imagine living next to this obsessed female? Last week she was going on about how the MM and his wife were having a party and going on happy with their lives. I wonder now if she is stalking them.

 

Thanks Matt. I honestly was doubting the entire story. I think now that is because AP is making up some parts in order to justify her actions.

 

And I agree with everyone else, she sounds off and possibly dangerous. She needs therapy.

 

But she is not listening.

[East of Jupiter]

The real “man” is AP’s HUSBAND. This is the man who values her, who loves and respects her. THIS is the man who is happy to walk through fire for her and stand beside her through better and worse. This is the man deserving of her undivided attention, and not the neighbor’s husband. Yet, because there is no challenge involved with his unconditional love, she doesn’t place as much significance or importance on her husband’s acceptance and opinion of her as she does that of another man’s.

 

Sad, when people forget how to focus on and appreciate what they already have until it’s too late and they’ve already lost it.

 

Truer words could not be said.

[movinon05]

I draw from all of it that the MM is a great guy. Despite all of AP's manipulations and pushiness, he was honest and seemed kind in letting her down. He simply loves his wife and was not interested in her the way she fantasized.

 

I doubt now the many terrible things AP has said about the MM and his wife. Just as AP said, he is happy in his marriage, he loves his wife and he didn't want to have sex despite she was practically throwing herself at him. He even told her he didn't want to hurt her or her husband.

 

Man, I wish my husband was this kind of player!

 

I don't think she has the power to destroy the MM's marriage and she knows it. The man may have crossed some boundaries but in the end, he was all gentleman. She was no lady.

 

Now can you imagine living next to this obsessed female? Last week she was going on about how the MM and his wife were having a party and going on happy with their lives. I wonder now if she is stalking them.

 

Thanks Matt. I honestly was doubting the entire story. I think now that is because AP is making up some parts in order to justify her actions.

 

And I agree with everyone else, she sounds off and possibly dangerous. She needs therapy.

 

But she is not listening.

 

Funny how people pull what they want to hear when they are on one side of the fence. There is not one iota of doubt in my mind that if we knew every little detail of this situation that we would all come to different conclusions! One of those hazards of writing on a board where opinions fly left and right!

 

Another casting of the stones at the OW and put that MM on a pedestal! "All gentleman?" Gawd!!!!!!! Does it ever end???????

[East of Jupiter]

Funny how people pull what they want to hear when they are on one side of the fence. There is not one iota of doubt in my mind that if we knew every little detail of this situation that we would all come to different conclusions! One of those hazards of writing on a board where opinions fly left and right!

 

Another casting of the stones at the OW and put that MM on a pedestal! "All gentleman?" Gawd!!!!!!! Does it ever end???????

 

I think you need to go back through this string and read the old post from AP someone posted.

 

These are not what I want to hear. This is what AP said.

 

Yes, a man who tells the OW he loves his wife and doesn't want to have sex with her, is a gentleman.

 

Yes, a man who tells the OW that he doesn't want to hurt her and it is not a good idea, is a gentleman.

 

Yes, a man who tells the OW he doesn't want to have an affair because he doesn't want to hurt the OW's huband (they are friends), is a gentleman.

 

These are AP's descriptions of the MM.

 

Now if you want to discuss my husband, we can debate a cheating liar. He lied to me and took advantage of the OW.

 

No, I don't blame OW for affairs. I do blame them when they cross the line with a BW and her family (as in harassment, stalking, etc.) And I make no apologies for that.

 

If the shoe doesn't fit, don't wear it.

[Fun2BMe]

Thanks James, I read through the old posts and they were very enlightening.

 

It's obvious that there was a lot of animosity and jealousy for the wife, and that AP had very strong feelings for MM then he pushed her away.

 

The motivation for telling the wife is all too clear.

 

I really hope she tells her because her intentions are evil. She firstly wants to hurt the MM who she is frustrated has a big ego and never gets hurt. On top of it she's jealous of his wife and wants to cause tension. Hopefully they'll see through her, team up together and make her more miserable as her plans to ruin their marriage blow up in her face. It's not enough she had an EA but since she couldn't get him physically she's bitter and on a vengence spree.

[movinon05]

Yes I did go back and read some of those old posts displayed here. First of all, remember... they are just "some". And no, I did not go back and read all of her posts. Who has?

 

And my exMM lied to his W and lied to me. I'm sure he actually was telling me some things truthfully, but in the end, the lies outweighed the truth.

 

My point is.... AP was venting. She was raging. She didn't post all the lovely things he said to her, did she? Because she was at the exit stage. No one posts all the lovely and wonderful things the MM said or did that got them to the point of having an EA or a PA. That is why I say, everyone just goes by what is posted here, but NONE OF US know what really went down from beginning to end.

[East of Jupiter]

Yes I did go back and read some of those old posts displayed here. First of all, remember... they are just "some". And no, I did not go back and read all of her posts. Who has?

 

And my exMM lied to his W and lied to me. I'm sure he actually was telling me some things truthfully, but in the end, the lies outweighed the truth.

 

My point is.... AP was venting. She was raging. She didn't post all the lovely things he said to her, did she? Because she was at the exit stage. No one posts all the lovely and wonderful things the MM said or did that got them to the point of having an EA or a PA. That is why I say, everyone just goes by what is posted here, but NONE OF US know what really went down from beginning to end.

 

Yes, I did take the time to read. And we may have a simple difference of opinion where AP is concerned.

 

Being the brunt of betrayall all of my life and my having been a cheater in her own right, I understand completely what you are saying.

 

You made a mistake? You regret it? That is no different than AP's MM. He made a mistake but he was at least man enough to limit the damage he stood to cause all involved.

 

Your MM was not that way. I'm sorry that a man took advantage of you but not all MM are the same as not all OW are.

 

I really think one of the things that cause misunderstandings is that we tend to lump people together. All OW are whores. All MM are bastards. All BS are terrible spouses. All marriage who experience affairs were in trouble. You see what I mean?

 

You are not AP. I have no idea what your particular experiences are and I would not automatically assume that your MM is a "gentleman" or that you are a bad woman who lured her MM to bed. I don't believe this is possible. People do as they want to do.

 

I'm sorry that my honesty about AP in anyway offended you.

[movinon05]

Yes, I did take the time to read. And we may have a simple difference of opinion where AP is concerned.

 

Being the brunt of betrayall all of my life and my having been a cheater in her own right, I understand completely what you are saying.

 

You made a mistake? You regret it? That is no different than AP's MM. He made a mistake but he was at least man enough to limit the damage he stood to cause all involved.

 

Your MM was not that way. I'm sorry that a man took advantage of you but not all MM are the same as not all OW are.

 

I really think one of the things that cause misunderstandings is that we tend to lump people together. All OW are whores. All MM are bastards. All BS are terrible spouses. All marriage who experience affairs were in trouble. You see what I mean?

 

You are not AP. I have no idea what your particular experiences are and I would not automatically assume that your MM is a "gentleman" or that you are a bad woman who lured her MM to bed. I don't believe this is possible. People do as they want to do.

 

I'm sorry that my honesty about AP in anyway offended you.

 

Hey, your honesty about YOUR OPINION about AP does not offend me. All I am saying, again, is that not one of us know the whole story! Period! And you can't say you have read EVERY ONE of her posts. (or can you? that's an awful lot!) And I have seen far too many times that people make judgments or assessments based on what they see posted on these forums. I know first hand how these subtle manipulations start from personal experience.

 

Ok. So if MM lied to her (which I'm sure he did many times). We'll never know, will we? Even AP will not know. But! If he lied to her and the W, then whose to say he isn't lying now? Yes, he's telling her he's in love with his W. But I'm sure you must have seen MANY times on these forums when people will say if the H really loved the W, he wouldn't have done this in the first place. So that argument is hard to reconcile also! Its all a bunch of shyt we have to throw up in the air and see where it lands.

 

As far as I'm concerned, and yes, it is my personal belief, that not one of us knows the whole damn truth. I've seen it recently by some other posters about a different subject altogether. Because what I saw posted was not what really went down. And I know this for a fact!

 

Maybe I'm just saying........ take everything we read with a grain of salt. Because unless we've lived it, we really have no clue to be able to make grand judgments and assessments of the posters that post here. That's ALL I'm sayin'.

[herenow]

My opinion is that nothing AP does will make any difference to the MM or his wife. AP has no idea what has happened in their marriage or what he has told his wife. Every thing she says about his past or present affairs is speculation. She has no proof to offer the BW (?) to show that he has been unfaithful. In AP's own words, she pursued him and he is the one that ended it saying that "he wants to be with his wife for the rest of his life".

 

The fact is when there are problems in a marriage, it's the two people who are married to each other that determine how the relationship will go. At some point those problems will surface and they will decide how to handle it. AP has no power in their house.

 

It's possible that this MM's "EA" with AP made him realize how much he loves his wife and he is now working towards a better marriage. It's also possible that MM does not believe that he even had an affair with AP. It's possible that the wife already knows and believes that AP came after her husband and he turned her down. None of us have any idea what the wife already knows about AP. She knows enough to have asked about it in the past. I think that if she approached AP with questions, she has probably asked her husband some questions as well.

 

If she tells, it would cause some initial drama, but in the end nothing that AP can do will change the dynamic in their marriage. As a matter of fact, his wife may see the fact that he did not pursue AP and did not have sex with her as a reason to give him another chance. Tell or no tell, the marriage will either survive or it won't, but AP has no impact on the outcome.

 

My answer to the question is do whatever you want, in the end it really won't matter anyway.

[movinon05]

And I will be the first to agree with you. Personally, I don't think she should tell. But that's not my call. But I can certainly understand how she feels.

 

Case in point. My exMM of 7 yrs (2 1/2 yrs out now) ended it. His last words to me were "I'm leaving tomorrow". Never happened. I moved on. Didn't expect it to happen anyway at that point. His W knew all about the A for 7 yrs. What she doesn't know is that whenever NC was enacted, he was the one to come crawling back, not me.

 

Ok. His W still flaunts herself around town like she's the big "winner". When she sees me she gives me a big ass smile, like she won the prize. Little does she know I could give a damn. I put up with harrassment from her for years. (Please lets not get onto that subject.).

 

I have left them in peace to do whatever they are doing. Now, what she doesn't know, is that exMM has tried 3 times since "the end" to come back in my life with gifts and promises, declaring his undying love for me. I totally ignored them.

 

But I can tell you very honestly.... that if his W confronts me in some store with that ****ass grin on her face now? She will get a barrel full of truth. Because I'm not taking the fall for him anymore.

 

So you see... I can see where AP is coming from. I don't agree with her decision. But I don't pass judgment on her, cause I've been in her position. I've just been able to move on. She has not. And I understand.

[East of Jupiter]

Hey, your honesty about YOUR OPINION about AP does not offend me. All I am saying, again, is that not one of us know the whole story! Period! And you can't say you have read EVERY ONE of her posts. (or can you? that's an awful lot!) And I have seen far too many times that people make judgments or assessments based on what they see posted on these forums. I know first hand how these subtle manipulations start from personal experience.

 

Ok. So if MM lied to her (which I'm sure he did many times). We'll never know, will we? Even AP will not know. But! If he lied to her and the W, then whose to say he isn't lying now? Yes, he's telling her he's in love with his W. But I'm sure you must have seen MANY times on these forums when people will say if the H really loved the W, he wouldn't have done this in the first place. So that argument is hard to reconcile also! Its all a bunch of shyt we have to throw up in the air and see where it lands.

 

As far as I'm concerned, and yes, it is my personal belief, that not one of us knows the whole damn truth. I've seen it recently by some other posters about a different subject altogether. Because what I saw posted was not what really went down. And I know this for a fact!

 

Maybe I'm just saying........ take everything we read with a grain of salt. Because unless we've lived it, we really have no clue to be able to make grand judgments and assessments of the posters that post here. That's ALL I'm sayin'.

 

I see what you are saying. And for the record, I have been there. Actually a situation very close to AP's. And I have been at the receiving end of someone like AP -- illogical attachment that has lasted now going on 8 years. Yes! That long.

 

They say that people will minimize two things without fail, the amount of food they eat (lol!) and their bad behavior. So to take your suggestion that we don't know all the details, we don't know her MM"s side. With that said, what we do have as evidence of the MM's behavior during and after the affair are AP's own words. So no matter how you look at it, AP is telling us what he was like.

 

Do you think she was lying when she spoke well of MM but is telling the truth when she is speaking badly about him?

 

Did the MM lie? Of course! You can't have an affair (EA/PA) without lying. Does that make him a bad man? Not anymore than it would make you and all other women who make this mistake (self included) a bad woman for having lied during your own affair. Lying is the cornerstone of affairs.

 

Now, what AP said about her MM are things I rarely hear about cheating husbands. Don't you think? It gives me some measure of hope that there are men who can be tempted and pursued who don't go through with it. I'm sure he was tempted and I am sure he may have had some feelings for her. Ending or rejecting her should not make him a bad guy. You think?

 

Turn the situation around -

 

If AP's husband knows of the EA and has forgiven, should MM come over and give him all the details of the affair as he saw them because he thinks she is a floosy and the man needs to know?

 

Apply that to your affair situation -

 

Do you think your MM should come and talk to your husband to ensure he knows all the dirty details of your affair? Do you think that would help your husband? You? Your marriage? Your kids (if there are any)?

 

As you said, we don't know the MM's side or what his wife knows. Why do we assume the MM didn't tell the wife?

 

If I were that BW and read what AP has said about the affair and MM's behavior, I would be hurt but I might also be comforted by some of his behavior. He WAS thinking about his wife and OW's husband -- per AP's words. (since that is all we have to go on ) Not many men pass that test. No one has to agree with that, these are my feelings.

 

So in effect, what is she really going to tell the BW? We had an EA and your husband refused me? We had some inappropriate touching but he wouldn't have sex with me? That is the truth according to AP. Yes, he lied too! His wife will not be surprised by that piece of news! It goes without saying.

 

I've been saying she should tell the BW all along. I think it will help the BW in a way that AP is not expecting. But I don't think it is necessary and I think AP's motives are to hurt MM even if that mean hurting herself, BW, her own husband (think he wants to muck around in this pain some more?) and all the children involved.

 

I also think it is dangerous and she could be opening herself up for a whole new world of hurt and I've told her that as well. A BW can be quite dangerous. One that lives next door and who has access to your children is doubly so. You don't know how that woman is going to react.

 

What if that woman starts telling AP's children things about their mother? What if she gets violent in front of their kids? You just don't know what she will do and there would be no way to stop her.

 

These are consequences AP is not willing to entertain and they pertain to her own family. She is not thinking of them either.

[East of Jupiter]

And I will be the first to agree with you. Personally, I don't think she should tell. But that's not my call. But I can certainly understand how she feels.

 

Case in point. My exMM of 7 yrs (2 1/2 yrs out now) ended it. His last words to me were "I'm leaving tomorrow". Never happened. I moved on. Didn't expect it to happen anyway at that point. His W knew all about the A for 7 yrs. What she doesn't know is that whenever NC was enacted, he was the one to come crawling back, not me.

 

Ok. His W still flaunts herself around town like she's the big "winner". When she sees me she gives me a big ass smile, like she won the prize. Little does she know I could give a damn. I put up with harrassment from her for years. (Please lets not get onto that subject.).

 

Forgive me for saying so but I would do the very same thing. I would not go hide in a corner. And if I ever saw my husband's OW, she would be guaranteed to get a big smile from me. She harassed me for years (see how this works?) and what she doesn't know is that I don't give a damn about her. My only concern is my husbang, my marriage and my children.

 

Further, once again I ask you to turn the situation around.

 

What do you think your husband's reaction should be if he runs into your MM while out in town with you in tow? Should he flaunt the fact that he won? Grin at the MM and let him know that he didn't destroy him?

 

What do you expect from your husband?

 

 

 

 

I have left them in peace to do whatever they are doing. Now, what she doesn't know, is that exMM has tried 3 times since "the end" to come back in my life with gifts and promises, declaring his undying love for me. I totally ignored them.

 

But I can tell you very honestly.... that if his W confronts me in some store with that ****ass grin on her face now? She will get a barrel full of truth. Because I'm not taking the fall for him anymore.

 

I'm glad to hear that this man isn't renting space in your heart anymore thought I have to be honest, it sounds like he still has a room in your head.

 

Again, turn what you said around and apply to your husband -

 

Should the MM come over and tell your husband all the details of the affair that you may have missed because he hates the way your husband is grinning at him because he feels superior?

 

So you see... I can see where AP is coming from. I don't agree with her decision. But I don't pass judgment on her, cause I've been in her position. I've just been able to move on. She has not. And I understand.

 

Can we talk about your anger you are carrying towards MM's and his wife almost 3 years later and how that contradicts moving on?

 

And my opinion in your case is that each time this man contacts you, you should forward whatever he sends you directly to his wife. Have you? That would guarantee he would leave you alone and stands a good chance of wiping that smirk off the BW's face.

 

Of course, she may stop smirking and get physical instead. All BWs get a little crazy when betrayed but some more so than others and you said she had harassed you.

 

Sometimes, it is just best to let sleeping dogs lie. (Pun fully intended!)

[RealityCheck]

 

And....Who's carrying baggage?

And....Who should leave sleeping dogs alone?

 

Wow!

[movinon05]

I see what you are saying. And for the record, I have been there. Actually a situation very close to AP's. And I have been at the receiving end of someone like AP -- illogical attachment that has lasted now going on 8 years. Yes! That long.

 

They say that people will minimize two things without fail, the amount of food they eat (lol!) and their bad behavior. So to take your suggestion that we don't know all the details, we don't know her MM"s side. With that said, what we do have as evidence of the MM's behavior during and after the affair are AP's own words. So no matter how you look at it, AP is telling us what he was like.

 

Do you think she was lying when she spoke well of MM but is telling the truth when she is speaking badly about him? I don't know if she spoke well of him on these boards.

 

Did the MM lie? Of course! You can't have an affair (EA/PA) without lying. Does that make him a bad man? Not anymore than it would make you and all other women who make this mistake (self included) a bad woman for having lied during your own affair. Lying is the cornerstone of affairs. I'm not passing judgment on his lies anymore than I pass judgment on hers during the A.

 

Now, what AP said about her MM are things I rarely hear about cheating husbands. Don't you think? It gives me some measure of hope that there are men who can be tempted and pursued who don't go through with it. I'm sure he was tempted and I am sure he may have had some feelings for her. Ending or rejecting her should not make him a bad guy. You think? I agree. I'm not saying he's a bad guy. We don't know, do we?

 

Turn the situation around -

 

If AP's husband knows of the EA and has forgiven, should MM come over and give him all the details of the affair as he saw them because he thinks she is a floosy and the man needs to know? I think I already said that, in my opinion, I don't think she should do it.

 

Apply that to your affair situation -

 

Do you think your MM should come and talk to your husband to ensure he knows all the dirty details of your affair? Do you think that would help your husband? You? Your marriage? Your kids (if there are any)? The facts of my situation are history. My H made me call MM and let him know the cat was out of the bag and to let his W know. It didn't help my M. It didn't help our R. The aftermath of what my H did "to my kids" and what MM's W "told her kids" was completely destructive.

 

As you said, we don't know the MM's side or what his wife knows. Why do we assume the MM didn't tell the wife? I'm assuming nothing. I'm still saying I don't think she should tell.

 

If I were that BW and read what AP has said about the affair and MM's behavior, I would be hurt but I might also be comforted by some of his behavior. He WAS thinking about his wife and OW's husband -- per AP's words. (since that is all we have to go on ) Not many men pass that test. No one has to agree with that, these are my feelings. Fair enough.

 

So in effect, what is she really going to tell the BW? We had an EA and your husband refused me? We had some inappropriate touching but he wouldn't have sex with me? That is the truth according to AP. Yes, he lied too! His wife will not be surprised by that piece of news! It goes without saying. Again, I do not advocate telling.

 

I've been saying she should tell the BW all along. I think it will help the BW in a way that AP is not expecting. Personally, I think that's a big assumption. We don't know the BW, what she knows, what she's really like, if she cares or not. My exMM's W still hung on after 7 yrs! But I don't think it is necessary and I think AP's motives are to hurt MM even if that mean hurting herself, BW, her own husband (think he wants to muck around in this pain some more?) and all the children involved.

 

I also think it is dangerous and she could be opening herself up for a whole new world of hurt and I've told her that as well. I agree. Especially since I've lived it. And apparently you have too. But we can't hold everyone's hand, can we? Sometimes we have to experience it ourselves. A BW can be quite dangerous. Umm. You're talking to someone who got a fat lip and bruises on her leg from the W, not to mention her attempts at public humiliation. One that lives next door and who has access to your children is doubly so. Yup. She still associated with my kids when they wanted nothing to do with her. You don't know how that woman is going to react. Agreed!

 

What if that woman starts telling AP's children things about their mother? What if she gets violent in front of their kids? You just don't know what she will do and there would be no way to stop her. Lived it. I could write the book.

 

These are consequences AP is not willing to entertain and they pertain to her own family. She is not thinking of them either.

 

You're not telling me anything I don't know. We happen to disagree about her telling. But again, its not my call.

 

Another example... I stopped posting to OWs on this site, trying to keep them from going forward with the A, trying to provide my 20/20 hindsight in the hopes they didn't have to go through what I did, but in the end, I gave up. People, especially those enmeshed in the high emotions of love and hate and anguish, are not going to listen. And they have to walk their path just like I did. I would love to stop them all and save them. But I can't. I've come to realize that we can say all we want, but people will take what they want and leave the rest behind.

 

But even through all of that? I can't judge them! I just can't!

[movinon05]

And I will be the first to agree with you. Personally, I don't think she should tell. But that's not my call. But I can certainly understand how she feels.

 

Forgive me for saying so but I would do the very same thing. I would not go hide in a corner. And if I ever saw my husband's OW, she would be guaranteed to get a big smile from me. She harassed me for years (see how this works?) and what she doesn't know is that I don't give a damn about her. My only concern is my husbang, my marriage and my children.

 

Further, once again I ask you to turn the situation around.

 

What do you think your husband's reaction should be if he runs into your MM while out in town with you in tow? Should he flaunt the fact that he won? Grin at the MM and let him know that he didn't destroy him?

 

What do you expect from your husband?

 

I'm glad to hear that this man isn't renting space in your heart anymore thought I have to be honest, it sounds like he still has a room in your head.

 

Again, turn what you said around and apply to your husband -

 

Should the MM come over and tell your husband all the details of the affair that you may have missed because he hates the way your husband is grinning at him because he feels superior?

 

Can we talk about your anger you are carrying towards MM's and his wife almost 3 years later and how that contradicts moving on?

 

And my opinion in your case is that each time this man contacts you, you should forward whatever he sends you directly to his wife. Have you? That would guarantee he would leave you alone and stands a good chance of wiping that smirk off the BW's face.

 

Of course, she may stop smirking and get physical instead. All BWs get a little crazy when betrayed but some more so than others and you said she had harassed you.

 

Sometimes, it is just best to let sleeping dogs lie. (Pun fully intended!)

 

Ok, I'm going to give you time to read my last post. You don't have my facts straight. I'm divorced. And yes, I HAVE moved on. I hold no anger towards him or his W! I'm at the stage of indifference and quite frankly, its a wonderful place to be.

 

I completely understand her anger and anything she might throw at me. But what you don't know, is that she did this with ignorance. Ignorance to the fact that while she was throwing daggers at me, he was still with me, and she didn't know it. And then, let's throw in the kids. She did all this in front of her kids! And they did the same thing to me! Hey. You can say all you want and they can say and do all they want, but the FACTS are that her H and their father is just as guilty as I was! They just don't know all these recent facts either.

 

To take up on your phrase, the reason I DO NOT tell his W about all of this new stuff is because I choose to let sleeping dogs lie! I don't care anymore. No anger. No resentment. They are on their own! That's coming from my heart. My point was that, if it happens again, she will get the truth from me. Because I will no longer cover up for him like I did when I WAS in love with him. And I ASSURE YOU!!!!!!!!! I have no feelings whatsoever for him. I'm living a life now that is far better than my M, and far better than my A.

[East of Jupiter]

You're not telling me anything I don't know. We happen to disagree about her telling. But again, its not my call.

 

I'm curious, have you been betrayed? Most BS's will tell you they want to know. I think it is a small minority that would not want to know.

 

I personally believe that each situation should be looked at individually. A stupid mistake that stands no chance of being repeated (IMO) does not outweigh the pain and long term trauma of betrayal. That how I, I, I, feel about it. But I know I am in the minority there. Maybe, because I have been at both ends. There are things that are better left unsaid and when we apply this to matters not related to affairs, I get a wider acceptance of my opinion.

 

Another example... I stopped posting to OWs on this site, trying to keep them from going forward with the A, trying to provide my 20/20 hindsight in the hopes they didn't have to go through what I did, but in the end, I gave up. People, especially those enmeshed in the high emotions of love and hate and anguish, are not going to listen. And they have to walk their path just like I did. I would love to stop them all and save them. But I can't. I've come to realize that we can say all we want, but people will take what they want and leave the rest behind.

 

Heck I don't have to go far to relate! But I encourage you to share your story as much as possible. For every OW posting that ignores your warnings, there may be ten others lurking that you may help.

 

I did not go back and quote the part of your post where you explained the assault from the BW. I am so sorry to hear that you had to go through that. I was not angry at the OW when I found out. My anger was focused on my husband but I could do little harm as he is much larger than I am.

 

Please keep posting and sharing. I think your story is an important one to tell. There are many OW and CM's who are attacked but don't say anything out of shame for having gotten themselves in that situation and because they just want to forget it.

[East of Jupiter]

 

Ok, I'm going to give you time to read my last post. You don't have my facts straight. I'm divorced. And yes, I HAVE moved on. I hold no anger towards him or his W! I'm at the stage of indifference and quite frankly, its a wonderful place to be.

 

I completely understand her anger and anything she might throw at me. But what you don't know, is that she did this with ignorance. Ignorance to the fact that while she was throwing daggers at me, he was still with me, and she didn't know it. And then, let's throw in the kids. She did all this in front of her kids! And they did the same thing to me! Hey. You can say all you want and they can say and do all they want, but the FACTS are that her H and their father is just as guilty as I was! They just don't know all these recent facts either.

 

To take up on your phrase, the reason I DO NOT tell his W about all of this new stuff is because I choose to let sleeping dogs lie! I don't care anymore. No anger. No resentment. They are on their own! That's coming from my heart. My point was that, if it happens again, she will get the truth from me. Because I will no longer cover up for him like I did when I WAS in love with him. And I ASSURE YOU!!!!!!!!! I have no feelings whatsoever for him. I'm living a life now that is far better than my M, and far better than my A.

 

Yes, our posts crossed. I understand better now. And knowing how violent she is, I can also understand why you don't get involved with the situation.

 

I also understand why you are angry with the creep. It makes me angry just reading about it!

 

Oh but that is one dog that deserves a rude awakening! And if the only way to get him to leave you alone is to tell the wife, you bet I would!

 

Living well is the best revenge.

 

I did not tell OW's husband. If she is to believed, he is an abuse jerk who abuses their children. I could not chance it was true and he would have hurt her or their kids. I may not like her for her behavior after the affair ended, but I would not want her hurt. I just want her to leave us alone!

[movinon05]

I'm curious, have you been betrayed? Most BS's will tell you they want to know. I think it is a small minority that would not want to know.

 

I personally believe that each situation should be looked at individually. A stupid mistake that stands no chance of being repeated (IMO) does not outweigh the pain and long term trauma of betrayal. That how I, I, I, feel about it. But I know I am in the minority there. Maybe, because I have been at both ends. There are things that are better left unsaid and when we apply this to matters not related to affairs, I get a wider acceptance of my opinion.

 

Heck I don't have to go far to relate! But I encourage you to share your story as much as possible. For every OW posting that ignores your warnings, there may be ten others lurking that you may help.

 

I did not go back and quote the part of your post where you explained the assault from the BW. I am so sorry to hear that you had to go through that. I was not angry at the OW when I found out. My anger was focused on my husband but I could do little harm as he is much larger than I am.

 

Please keep posting and sharing. I think your story is an important one to tell. There are many OW and CM's who are attacked but don't say anything out of shame for having gotten themselves in that situation and because they just want to forget it.

 

I thank you for your candor. But forget me now. I have been on my own journey of healing. And part of that is to stay away from this forum. Sometimes I feel like I just can't save the masses, you know? A's have been in existence for centuries and will continue whether I am around or not.

 

And honestly, if I was a BW, yes, of course, I would want to know. You think the BW of APs MM should know. And yes, you are questioning her motives. But IMO, having my own experiences, I don't think AP should tell. She has enough work to do in this aftermath. IMO, she needs to help herself, concentrate on her M and her kids, go to counseling perhaps. Telling the BW will just add more time and anguish to her own healing process. Right now, I'm caring about AP. That is my opinion on how she can get past this. It worked for me.

 

So maybe that's why I'm here now. To give a voice to those who need to heal. And I'm hoping it might work for AP.

[movinon05]

 

Yes, our posts crossed. I understand better now. And knowing how violent she is, I can also understand why you don't get involved with the situation.

 

I also understand why you are angry with the creep. It makes me angry just reading about it!

 

Oh but that is one dog that deserves a rude awakening! And if the only way to get him to leave you alone is to tell the wife, you bet I would!

 

Living well is the best revenge.

 

I did not tell OW's husband. If she is to believed, he is an abuse jerk who abuses their children. I could not chance it was true and he would have hurt her or their kids. I may not like her for her behavior after the affair ended, but I would not want her hurt. I just want her to leave us alone!

 

Again. Seriously EJ, I'm not angry with him! I'm just not! I'm more focused on my life and what happened and I have come to the realization that things happen for a reason. And those things got me where I am today. No. I would not have chosen that path, but it is what it is, and I have learned.

 

He can have her! She can have him! I just don't care what they do anymore because they have to live with each other. I know them both very well. If they don't kill each other, then they'll be lucky! lol!

 

Of course, as I said. If he does it again, or if she approaches me, I will not protect him. Because I have absolutely nothing to lose or gain from this. But I will not be a pawn for her. If nothing else, it will stop her grins in her tracks.

[East of Jupiter]

I really hope she tells her because her intentions are evil. She firstly wants to hurt the MM who she is frustrated has a big ego and never gets hurt. On top of it she's jealous of his wife and wants to cause tension. Hopefully they'll see through her, team up together and make her more miserable as her plans to ruin their marriage blow up in her face. It's not enough she had an EA but since she couldn't get him physically she's bitter and on a vengence spree.

 

When it comes to injured egos and hurt emotions, OW and BW are not much different.

 

I don't see AP as evil. She is wounded and confused. It's a stage everyone goes through but she seems to be looping. And a person who stays in this combative posture for long can easily become self destructive. And it is a self-destruction she does not recognize.

 

What she seeks cannot be found in the MM's home or his wife. The healing has to come from her and the appropriate people are those who understand, care and love her (her husband, kids, family).

[RealityCheck]

When it comes to injured egos and hurt emotions, OW and BW are not much different.

 

I don't see AP as evil. She is wounded and confused. It's a stage everyone goes through but she seems to be looping. And a person who stays in this combative posture for long can easily become self destructive. And it is a self-destruction she does not recognize.

 

What she seeks cannot be found in the MM's home or his wife. The healing has to come from her and the appropriate people are those who understand, care and love her (her husband, kids, family).

 

I experienced both and agree! Both sides are a sh*ty places to be.

 

I also agree with MO when she stated that AP needs to heal and opening up more than a can of worms can send her spiraling down.

[movinon05]

What she seeks cannot be found in the MM's home or his wife. The healing has to come from her and the appropriate people are those who understand, care and love her (her husband, kids, family).

 

BINGO!!!!!! Isn't that what I have been saying all along? (Hmmm. Maybe I didn't say it and its what I have been thinking while getting through all these posts!!). So why tell the BW?

[movinon05]

I also agree with MO when she stated that AP needs to heal and opening up more than a can of worms can send her spiraling down.

 

Now that's an even BETTER way to put it!!!!!!! Geez! If I'd just said all that in the beginning, maybe we wouldn't have so many pages!!!!!!!! LMAOOOOOO duh!!!!

[RealityCheck]

Now that's an even BETTER way to put it!!!!!!! Geez! If I'd just said all that in the beginning, maybe we wouldn't have so many pages!!!!!!!! LMAOOOOOO duh!!!!

 

You know I love you to death and I am so proud of you! You've come a long way. You do belong here. Experience is wisdom and you have plenty of that!

 

Just don't let it interfer with that busy social life....sheeeeeesh....lol