Shy male virgin, age 24, needs advice

[Ant24]

Hi, I am new and I found this forum searching for ''sisters souls'', I wanted to read opinions from guys that have similar problems.

 

I am 24 and still a virgin. And I try not to talk about this with the few friends I have in real life, that's why I chose a ''face-less'' medium as the internet. They know, but I avoid brining the matter up and asking for advice, they might think ''he's pathetic, whiny'' etc.

 

First, I'd like to know how ''bad'' is my situation. I know that the ''standard'' is 16-17, (some guys feel bad that they are virgins at 15, HA!) so I feel a bit old.

 

Second, if I meet a new person and we start getting along well, how will he/she if (when such a discussion comes across, some people talk about past relationships) he/she learns that I NEVER had any relationship. Will he/she think I am ''inferior''.

 

Also, I am in general very shy, not very talkative, ugly, and so my chances for a relationship are very limited (if any).

 

EDIT: I didn't mention that when I was a student in the UK, there were two cases where a (British) girl approached and opened a conversation with me, but I didn't know what to say and how to say it, and after a while of me staying speechless they left. (true story) I was told women never court, only in very rare cases and if the guy is really handsome, and since I am ugly I thought I was about to be made fun of so that's why I didn't talk. Do women approach an ugly guy to make fun of him?

 

I'm OK with my sexlessness at the moment, I'm more into computers and spending time, going out etc. with my friends, but I worry for the future, since unmarried people over-30 don't have the happiest life imaginable I guess.

 

Also, I am NOT very social i.e. I am not one of those that say ''hi'' 10 times in 30 minutes when walking on the street when they go out, I don't know a lot of people. I know that knowing a lot of people raises your chances in everything, but my character was always a bit ''reclusive'' since I was a kid.

 

Any opinions would be very helpful.

[Tony T]

You have a lot of problems but being ugly is not one of them.

 

YOU WRITE: "I worry for the future, since unmarried people over-30 don't have the happiest life imaginable I guess."

 

Your statement above is an example of bumbling ignorance more than anything. You should worry more about being less judgemental about yourself and others, getting more education, becoming more open-minded, etc., than about being unmarried. Marital status is totally irrelevant to happiness. Some of the most miserable people in the universe are married and some of the happiest are single...and vice versa. Happiness is a state of mind, not a status.

 

Your problem is having pathetic self esteem. I would like to take five minutes right now to bow my head and feel sorry for you. (XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Ok, five minutes is up. I really to feel sorry for the pathetically crumby life you have created for yourself because of your crazy thinking and low self esteem.

 

First, the world doesn't care if you ever get laid so you better take control over that yourself. And if girls walk up to you and start talking and you don't say a damned thing, how are we supposed to help you. I suppose you would give a prostitute the money and not even make her take off her clothes.

 

You need to see a counsellor and find out why your confidence, self esteem and self image is so low. You'll have to work on that. Your looks are irrelevant to your desireability to other women. Females seek a man of intelligence, character, confidence, personality, etc. They are not nearly as visual as men in terms of being attracted to looks.

 

Yes, women like good looking guys but most have been that route and find other traits more important. And there are MANY women who find shy guys to be cute and attractive...as long as they don't crawl up in a ball and freeze in front of them. Use your shyness to your advantage and attend workshops and seminars to cure yourself. YOU are the one with this problem and YOU are the one who is going to have to do the work to improve yourself.

 

But your looks aside, if you don't get enough confidence to talk to a lady and have something to offer her by way of conversation, doing things together, etc., you don't stand a chance. You'll not get that kind of training or experience over the Internet. You get that through experience. Women want a MAN, not a wimp. The want a guy who can get into them, get into their head, talk to them, show an interest. They are repulsed by anybody who sulks and feels sorry for themselves. That is so unsexy it would cause a woman to desire a sex change operation.

 

As far as being a virgin, that too is irrelevant. The right woman will make no judgement of that. Matter of fact, she will be tickled that she is your first and be happy to teach you some thing. She will also be thrilled that she doesn't have to worry about getting any sexually tranmitted diseases from you. You don't really need to disclose anything about your inexperience to her until the matter is concluded. If you date a girl who is 18 or 19, she may not even realize you haven't been around the block.

 

I've not seen anyone with as low an opinion of himself as you in a long time. Until you start thinking more of yourself, you're dead in the water. Do everything you can to learn how to converse, to come out of your shell, and do the things that women enjoy. Until you do that, all the advice in the universe if for naught.

[Reckless]

Ant,

 

Can I just pick up on the fact that you mentioned several times that you are "ugly". Your 'problem' is not your being a virgin, which would not be a problem for the right person, it's the fact that you seem to feel you are undesirable and unattractive - this does tend to become a self fullfiling prophecy.

 

So can I ask you - are you ...

 

'Mick Jagger' ugly = scrawny/weird looking/sexy

James belushi = overweight/plain looking/sexy

Tommy Lee Jones ugly = bad looking/thug-like/sexy

Woody Allen ugly = geeky/cute/sexy

Harvey Keitel ugly = ordinary/stocky/sexy

Lyle Lovett ugly = strange looking/unusual/sexy

James Gandolfini (Sopranos) = Italian ie. Nuff said/sexy

James Wood ugly = wicked/phyco/sexy

 

or

 

maybe you're like my boyfriend the makes-me-weak-at-the-knees-melts-me-with-a-smile-slightly-chubby-bald-pasty-skinned sexy...

 

Don't let anyone or anything make you believe you're ugly, not even your mirror. Get out and live and the rest will take care of itself.

 

R.

[quankanne]

ouch, Tony

 

okay, now from an old married woman:

 

having a virgin isn't a turn off, but it IS kind of hard being around someone who is having problems communicating. Maybe because I'm a chatty person, I can't quite understand how hard it is for someone to talk to others. If anything, sign up for classes, join a group (NOT an internet group, but one where you interact with live people), and learn how to be more comfortable around people. Believe me, that's the first thing someone will consider when they're looking to connect (for romance, for a quick one, for a long=term relationship). you need to be able to communicate with them comfortably.

 

you don't think you're handsome? as long as you don't have BO, you have good hygiene and your knuckles don't drag on the ground, how bad can it really be? But then again, it all goes back to finding the personality, not the package, attractive. Yes, it's always fun to think you're going to land a hot looking babe or stud, but in the dark, everyone looks the same. So you really need to work on communication skills. Believe me, there are lots of us gals (regardless of age or relationship status) who'd rather be stranded in an elevator with someone we can feel comfortable with because he doesn't mind making that connection by talking, than with a hottie who has absolutely nothing to say. ¿Comprende?

 

if it helps, watch people who are at ease striking up conversations with people. Study their style, listen to how they approach different topics. My boss's wife will talk your ear off if you're not careful, but I've also seen her put people at ease because she's so friendly, and I admire the heck out of her for that. You're bound to want to spend more time with someone you feel comfortable with, regardless of how much money that person makes, or what they do for a living, what they drive, where they live, what they look like or if they're experienced in bed.

 

if you're uncomfortable with the idea of chit-chat, just remember that many people find it equally uncomfortable to be around people they feel they cannot connect with. I'm sure you've got many neat things about you -- some of your hobbies, your passions, you likes, heck, even your family can be a good starting point in launching a harmless conversation. so brush up on your social skills, and the rest will fall into place.

[Frost]

Hokay ... first off ? Mon ami you spend WAAAAAAAAAAY too much time putting yourself down ...

 

I am 24 and I am also a virgin (granted I'm gay so perhaps that has SOMETHING to do with it) and I don't look at myself as being either pathetic or a late bloomer or underdeveloped ... just ... taking my time basically !

 

Ask yourself how many times in your life so far you have wanted something so badly, and then turned around after it had happened and decided that you were happier beforehand ? Like ... imagine getting a tattoo and then turning around later and deciding you didn't want it ... it's not all it's cracked up to be ... you were wrong to have wished the time BEFORE getting it away as now you'll never have that time back ...

 

Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying that I plan on DYING a virgin - just that ... well ... sex ISN'T the be-all and end-all of life, y'know ? When you have found the right person and started a proper relationship with them, THEN you should be comfortable enough to explore sex with them ...

 

... you CERTAINLY don't sound as if you need a one-night stand.

 

As for you considering yourself to be "ugly" ? I doubt it ... because beauty is in the eye of the beholder ... you WILL meet people that look at you and DROOL ... just because you might not look like Tom Cruise doesn't mean you don't have what it takes

 

People will not generally think any less of you for finding out you're a virgin ... individuals are smart - CROWDS of people are dumb So whilst I wouldn't suggest you go tell the lads that you're a virgin, because they WILL poke fun at you, people on a 1-2-1 are generally FAR less concerned with your sexuality.

 

I have experienced this first hand with coming out - I was PETRIFIED about it, but ALL my mates (because I did it on a 1-2-1) were FINE about it, and I have lost NO friends in the process.

 

You're not inferior - you may have tricked yourself into believing you are ? But you ain't ............... at all .............. sorry ...

 

"Also, I am in general very shy, not very talkative, ugly, and so my chances for a relationship are very limited (if any)."

 

Shyness you will overcome in time. Talkativeness you will master in time - you just need to start off having a couple of totally MEANINGLESS conversations and you'll soon learn just how easy it can be.

 

Your opinion of yourself being "ugly" will change when you meet someone who fancies you ... but in the meantime ? Why not join a gym (I did - I don't consider myself ugly, but I'm no looker - I just wanted to feel better about myself so I dragged my @ss to the gym and now I feel GREAT !!)

 

You seem to spend an awful lot of time beating yourself up over what you consider to be your iniquities, but not ONCE have you commented about what you perceive as being your good points ...

 

... are you generous ?

... are you caring ?

... are you thoughtful ?

... are you considerate ?

 

These are FAR FAR FAR FAR FAR more important than whether you've had sex yet and these ARE the types of things which will affect your "chances", if you wanna call it that, of finding and settling down with a girl ... your virginity will be lost in a single night ... your loving your partner (when you get one) should last forever

 

"I'm OK with my sexlessness at the moment, I'm more into computers and spending time, going out etc. with my friends, but I worry for the future, since unmarried people over-30 don't have the happiest life imaginable I guess."

 

REALLY I don't believe that ... I think it's causing you considerable distress or you wouldn't have come here, non ?

 

"Also, I am NOT very social i.e. I am not one of those that say ''hi'' 10 times in 30 minutes when walking on the street when they go out, I don't know a lot of people. I know that knowing a lot of people raises your chances in everything, but my character was always a bit ''reclusive'' since I was a kid."

 

I would strongly suggest that you begin to look at putting yourself in positions where you ARE going to meet people, as this will naturally lead to you beginning to strike up conversations with them and, thereafter, chat to them, and so on and so forth ... joining a gym would be a good start

 

If you start to feel better about the way you look, then this will adversely affect a number of other things.

 

Who knows - you might even be sunbathing topless on the beach by the summer !!

 

Take care and don't panic ! You're very young to have so much stress on your shoulders

 

- Frost.

[janisc]

Don't feel bad. I'm a THIRTY TWO year old virgin.

Yet, I know the stigma is worse for guys as you are supposed to lose it when you are like 16 and the women you marry are supposed to be "pure".

 

Good luck to you!

[Carly]

Hello Ant,

 

You suffer a social anxiety that is clinically significant and therefore you may be an ideal candidate for some new medication that is highly effective and non-addictive.

 

Please, Ant, go speak to your doctor about meds like Paxil, which are proven effective at low dosages for social anxiety. You should notice an improvement within a week or so. Combine these meds with a few sessions on communications skills, and you will be off to the races.

 

This medication, and other closely related meds, may even help your morbid preoccupation with your looks, which probably are not as "ugly" as you see it.

 

It will be scary to give up the security of the Internet and start facing the world of real live people, face to face.

 

It's true, there ARE some people out there, like Tony, who will repond to your efforts to reach out with meanness. That is their problem.

 

But remember, Ant, that MOST people out there are quite nice and sincere in their efforts to help out. As you can see from the remaining posts, LOTS of people out there care more about other's feelings than their own self-centred needs to gratify thier egos by putting others down.

 

Please, speak to your doctor about your social anxiety.

[life suuuuux]

I lost mine when I was like...umm 23 or 24 i think. She was my first gf too. And yeah, I met her over the internet. Pretty lame huh. See you're not the only one.

 

But anyways, I'm a little on both sides, so I see your point of view but I also agree with what these other people are saying. I'm shy too and all that.

 

I ain't proud that I had to go online to meet my first gf, in fact that totally sucks. I wish I could be like...yea I met my first gf back in junior high and we made out in her sister's bed etc ... but nope. But in my situation, and I think yours, I'm just waayy too shy. So I say, go online (make sure you take a pic of yourself in some cool pose and do some photoshop if you gotta...jus playin) and try to find someone who's a little like...yourself. Find a quiet shy girl. Cuz we all know..the quiet ones are the freakiest lol. good luck man.