5 years of no contact and then...

[KneelBeforeZod]

Ok I tried posting this last week but it looks like I needed to register in order for it to post. So here I am.

 

I am 29. When I was 19 I met an 18-year old girl, let's call her Ursa. We clicked instantly and we started seeing each other. Four and a half years later, I asked her to marry me. A year after that, she called the wedding and the relationship off completely, just as we closed on a house. I was devastated, to be sure, but fortunately I got some good advice from my family and friends, and after three or four months I stopped calling her completely and moved on. Her decision to end the relationship rather than try and work things out or postpone the wedding didn't make sense to me, but I didn't fight it. I knew I didn't want to force her to do something she wasn't ready for. Our relationship wasn't the best, we were pretty mean to each other when we would fight, etc. After that relationship I learned a lot about women and relationships in general that I had been doing completely wrong. She had some insecurity issues and communication issues also. But we never cheated on each other and for the most part we just had a lot of fun together.

 

Anyway, last week, I got a message from Ursa on myspace. She asked if I wanted to try and be friends and I tentatively agreed. We sent five or six messages back and forth to one another. Finally I said, "you know I have tons of questions for you, can we meet?" So we went out for drinks after she got off work last Thursday. We ended up talking and laughing the whole night. We didn't touch each other at all but there was definitely some electricity there.

 

Well, as it turns out, she's single, and so am I. I broke up with my last girlfriend in February, and she broke up with her last boyfriend in December. Through talking with her, I realized that we're both much different and more mature than we used to be. Our lives have pretty much run parallel to each other for the past five years, and there's just as much attraction as there ever was. It seemed to me like the opportunity for a second chance was knocking on my door, so I decided to take it.

 

So on Sunday I went to her place and we talked for a while. Then I kissed her and said that I was pretty sure we couldn't be "just" friends. She was surprised (so she says... I say she was expecting it the whole time), but agreed. We talked some more and neither of us want our old relationship back. Both of us realize how much we didn't appreciate the other one before, and how much the other has grown. The big question is whether we disconnected because we were really incompatible or whether we were just immature and didn't know any better. We're both scared and nervous about getting hurt but it seems to me like we're both on the same page and ready to give it another shot.

 

Went on a date Monday. It went extremely well and we ended up falling asleep in each other's arms on her couch that night. Nothing R rated or anything, just some snuggling. I talked with her on the phone yesterday for about 30 minutes, it was a good conversation. I probably won't talk to her tonight as she will be working late, but I expect to see her again this weekend. That's about as far into the future as we're thinking at this point.

 

I have to admit I'm scared that she'll freak out again somehow and I'll end up back where I was five years ago. But I guess I would rather risk getting hurt again than have to wonder whether it ever could have worked out between us.

 

So I guess I just wanted to share this story with everyone. I don't know what's going to happen next and I'm stressing myself out about all these stupid details like when I should call her next and what the next date should be. But those are good problems to have, in my opinion. Everything I've read here about second chances seems to be exactly correct. I didn't know any "rules" about no contact or anything. I just tried to make myself better because it felt like the right thing to do. I spent so much effort trying to forget about her that it seems unreal just to see her name in my cell phone.

 

I wouldn't call this a success story just yet, because it's really too early to tell. But I guess it's an optimistic story at least.

[Scorpio13c]

Hi Kneel,

If you aren't concerned about taking the risk of being hurt again & you feel she has a similar sentiment of trying this again, such as you, then i'd say take a chance, a very very slow chance & see what it develops into.

Just look for red flags along the way, till you're sure this is right.

Maybe second chances do happen..

 

Good luck!

 

Scorp

[Balalaika]

A year after that, she called the wedding and the relationship off completely, just as we closed on a house. Her decision to end the relationship rather than try and work things out or postpone the wedding didn't make sense to me, but I didn't fight it.

 

I have to admit I'm scared that she'll freak out again somehow and I'll end up back where I was five years ago.

 

 

Did you ever find out what her reason(s) for ending everything back then were?. I know you said: "Our relationship wasn't the best, we were pretty mean to each other when we would fight, etc." but that sounds like your take on what might have gone wrong. If you get a handle on what freaked her out the first time, it might ease your fear of it happening again.

 

I think this is a great story!. Same thing happened to me.... engaged to long term boyfriend, I broke off the engagement, and the relationship... not due to relationship issues however, just felt I was too young to know who I really was, felt I hadn't experienced life as an independant person and sensed if I didn't do it before settling down, it would come back to bite me (and inadvertantly him) on the butt. He didn't deserve that. Many years later, thanks to getting that life/relationship experience and growth and as a person, I realised what I'd really had in that person at the time, really was too young and naive to fully see and appreciate it at the time. So no second chance for me with a bit of maturity under my belt, but you're getting your chance.... fantastic!. You've got the right attitude (risk getting hurt than to wonder), so good luck!

[guinea01]

I recently had a similar chance. My ex came back after nearly 8 years. It didnt end up working out.

 

Even though the last few months have been the most painful heartbreak I have ever been through, I think in time I would tell anyone in a similar situation to go for it.

 

Good luck.

[loveinlife]

good luck kneel! =)

[KneelBeforeZod]

Did you ever find out what her reason(s) for ending everything back then were?. I know you said: "Our relationship wasn't the best, we were pretty mean to each other when we would fight, etc." but that sounds like your take on what might have gone wrong. If you get a handle on what freaked her out the first time, it might ease your fear of it happening again.

 

I think this is a great story!. Same thing happened to me.... engaged to long term boyfriend, I broke off the engagement, and the relationship... not due to relationship issues however, just felt I was too young to know who I really was, felt I hadn't experienced life as an independant person and sensed if I didn't do it before settling down, it would come back to bite me (and inadvertantly him) on the butt. He didn't deserve that. Many years later, thanks to getting that life/relationship experience and growth and as a person, I realised what I'd really had in that person at the time, really was too young and naive to fully see and appreciate it at the time. So no second chance for me with a bit of maturity under my belt, but you're getting your chance.... fantastic!. You've got the right attitude (risk getting hurt than to wonder), so good luck!

 

I think that's exactly it, when she broke it off she didn't say it was related to any specific issue. She pretty much just freaked out and couldn't go through with it although I don't think she was able to articulate those reasons at the time. Since we've met again she's expressed what you said -- she felt too young at the time, didn't really know herself, needed independence and wanted to "live a little." In fact, when I read your response I thought for a moment that she'd found my post!

 

For my part, after the initial period of shock and depression, I came to view it as a necessity. I would not have been able to grow as much if we had continued that relationship, and it's certainly better to call things off before vows and property rights are exchanged. So while it was painful for me and I wouldn't wish that experience upon anyone, I think it was responsible for a lot of my own growing up.

 

I guess I'm not really afraid of anything like that happening right now -- I certainly haven't asked her to marry me again or anything -- but it is kind of a mental block to get through.

 

Thanks all for the kind words!