lack of communication

[lilfrustrated]

What can we do to fix things.

 

We are very much in love, but can't seem to get the communication down right as to who wants to make love and when. Both of us seem to have a difficult time coming right out and saying what we want.

 

I have been brought up Catholic, so it is has been drilled into me that women do not want or ask for sex. He has been brought up to respect women, so he does not touch or ask for sex out of respect. We hint, flirt, flash and still one or the other doesn't catch on. Then the feelings are hurt, which leads to anger and then arguments erupt and then there is definately no room for sex.

 

It is getting to the point that sex is almost non-existant or too quick to enjoy the full act of love making.

 

It is getting to the point where it is affecting every aspect of our lives, including our attitudes towards each other.

 

We need help NOW!!!

[lilfrustrated]

I always thought we had great communication, but it seems that it is great until something we are discussing feels hurtful, make us angery, or implies fault.

 

We seem to be able to tell each other what is on our minds, but it usually causes arguments. It's almost like we talk but don't listen.

 

I am struggling with the fact that I want him to initiate more often, but he insists that he cannot out of respect, but says he is trying. It is killing me on the inside. His "respect" is also making me feel very undesireable.

 

It would be nice if I came home from work on a Friday night and he had made plans to send the kids to sleepovers or plan a romantic night out. Why does all the planning have to be done by the woman or not at all. Do men not desire their women as much as women desire their men.

 

I think that a woman needs to FEEL desired to feel loved. Maybe sex isn't everything to everyone, but I feel sex IS everything to me. The bedroom seems to be the only place we can be alone as a couple, and it is being used solely as a place of sleep. Am I being selfish by admitting that I am dissatisfied with my sex life and wanting more. He has to be too.

 

I just need to somehow come right out and say what i want, as does he. But what I want just can't come from my lips.

 

I think maybe a good book on communicating about sex is a great idea, but there are so many out there. Which one to choose.........

[Tony T]

First, take everything you learned about sex, every idea, every fact, from the perspective of your religion...put it in your computer...press the delete button...empty the recylcle bin...and we'll go from there. I'll wait while you do that. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

Learning about sex from many churches is like sterilizing surgical instruments by washing them in the sewer.

 

Second, I want to tell you. If a man is sufficiently stimulated, he's going to pounce all over his lady even if the Pope is in the room. The Pontiff would be welcome to watch and bless the event.

 

I can certainly understand where some religious beliefs and teachings may have affected your conduct in the sexual department but you only live once. There may be no sex in heaven so you have to enjoy it right here and now. If there's no sex in heaven, you may be screwed anyway.

 

The two of you are MARRIED!!! Look up "conjugal rights" in you bible. It clearly states that married persons have rights and obligations, one to the other, in the sexual department.

 

I don't think there is a problem here that can't be fixed by a competent counsellor who can erase some of the erroneous ideas about sex that may be lingering from your upbringing. There is also no good reason why the two of you cannot communicate with each other about sexual issues.

 

There may be a deeper reason for his lack of initiation of sex. There could be a multitude of psychological and medical reasons and all of these have to be explored. If you don't get this fixed, your frustration will grow into anger and resentment and then you'll get ulcers because you want a divorce and your religion may not permit that either.

 

I'm not cutting your religious beliefs here but there comes a time when you have to exercise your free will and decide what is going to make you happy in the context of your own person conscience and belief system. Sexual activity is a necessary component of a healthy marriage.

 

Stop dancing around this issue with your husband and take definitive steps to get to the root of the problem. If you find your husband has just lost interest in sex, then you'll have to deal with that. But unless you start taking action, communicating effectively without arguing, nothing productive is going to happen.

 

If your husband begins arguments when you are trying to communicate with him, a counsellor will be an excellent resource...not only in teaching the two of you proper and civil conflict resolution techniques...but in acting as a mediator to get the two of you on the same sexual page.

 

This issue is very complicated and it could be that in the end you may find that you husband just has no interest in sex at all. But you must take action and do it now.

[guest]

Dear Lilfrustrated!

 

Oh MY GOD I have so been there. Not because of religion per se, but definitely a certain shy prudish-ness and a definite lack of communication on both parts.

 

I was not able to find the magic solution. I tried talking about it, initiating, flirting, cooking fantastic steak dinners, lingerie, wild 'girls night' evenings...etc.

 

We had a lot of unspoken conflict that had been an undercurrent in our relationship the whole time. Again, I tried bringing that up, suggesting counseling, and everything I could think of.

 

After 10 years, I said DUDE! I am a young, hot woman and I'm missing the best years of my sexual life. We have GOT to get this straightened out, or else I've got to go. I deserve better than this!

 

Things were great for a while, we were opening up to eachother emotionally and sexually on a whole new level.

 

Within 2 months he flipped out and had a mid-life crisis--and ran into the arms of the very open, very morally flexible, very indiscreet, very vocally sexual next door neighbor. She courted him like you would not believe, right in front of me! So--that was totally weird.

 

I was MESSED up for a long time about it. I felt so rejected--especially because a. I was his wife, b. she was 5 years older than him, c. she's overweight and less attractive.

 

I learned you can't force certain kinds of 'connections' and that one just wasn't happening for us. He was probably very courageous to leave, even though it was hard, because I was very committed to working through things.

 

Thankfully, it all worked out for both of us. My new dude LOVES me, all I want! And he's really hot and very emotionally available and sweet...so he is much more able to provide the things I need. Much more than the first one ever would have been able to, even if he worked really hard at it.... It was really hard, but I'm so happy now.

 

So--long and short--I agree with Tony---men who are appropriately stimulated don't play by anyone's rules, and ALL men express their care and love physically primarily. So that means this is a SERIOUS problem in your relationship.

 

Take care of it SOONER and spare yourself the agony of feeling rejected and undesirable. A non-sexual marriage is the WORST of all worlds. You deserve and can have everything you need, including a healthy sex life.

 

Feel free to write more if the situation explodes--just remember it's NOT you--you're talking about it, you're dealing with the issue.

You can weather this storm!