Daughter Dating Addict

[sickwithworry]

Hello...This is my first experience with a message board like this but I am hoping there is someone out there who can share with me and help me to help my daughter.

 

The story is this...she is 22 years old and lives far away from me. She has been "dating" this young man for over a year. They met shortly after he was paroled for a burglery charge. I met him and knew something wasn't right and it took some time before she finally clued me in. Unfortunately, I didn't get the whole story and doubt I even have it now. He was a recovering addict or so I was told and understanding that everyone makes mistakes and seeing what I thought was the right behaviour and attitude, gave him the benefit of the doubt. I learned this only because he was arrested again and still, I gave him another chance.

 

He came home after a couple of months, clean and ready to get to work on the rest of his life. He moved in with my daughter and her father and began working. Some odd things happened but being ignorant I found ways to justify them to myself and to help her understand. Oh boy was I WRONG. Soon my ex called to say that money was missing and to make a very long and ugly story short...it was my daughter's boyfriend and he was using again. Big surprise, right?

 

So, he was asked to leave and that night attempted suicide in front of my daughter. She got him to the hospital and he was quickly released and put into gov't housing and placed on welfare. She continued to see him for a while and then found out that he was using again and told me she was done with him. She also admitted that she had been lying about how much she'd seen him, etc.

 

Well, the story didn't end there because somehow she ended up back with him again. She tells me that she's not really "with" him but is trying to stand by him while figuring out what to do. The truth is that she is, in fact, in love with him and has no intention of leaving him. He has stolen from her, my ex, my son and from me...$1000's of dollars. Still she stands by him. I have learned (and not from her) that he has been using AGAIN and that his parole has been revoked. She doesn't know I know this and I cannot tell her that I do because I cannot reveal my source of information to her.

 

Please...if anyone can help me to help her see the light please share your insight with me. My heart is breaking for her and the pain she felt...the pain she will continue to feel if she continues with this man. I looked into his background a little further and from what I can see he was first arrested over 5 years ago and has been in and out of jail on assorted burglery related charges since. He is essentially a career criminal who is addicted to heroin. Her life, her emotional well being, her finances...are all in jeapordy and I cannot get through to her.

 

I truly am SICKWITHWORRY

Thank you

[confusion92]

If it helps your daughter understands that what she's doing is hurting you also. Lord only knows what she's going through dealing with him. I'm also in my twenties and in love with an addict, tho he isn't as bad as what your daughter is dealing with... it still hurts. I've been w/ him for 6 years and everyday my mom has told me how I shouldn't stay, don't put up with it.... its so much easier to say then to actually be there. She won't leave him until she realizes she has to go and that she's done. Until then I"m sorry you can only hope that he o.d.'s or goes back to jail for a long time and then maybe she will move on. All you can do is be there to listen if she needs to talk and she knows that you love her.

[Green]

even if he od's or goes back to jail her daughter will probably just get involved with some other loser. If i were you Id try to set an example for you daughter and just get your own life in order.

[sickwithworry]

Thank you for your comments. I'm sorry that you are in the situation you are in as well. I'm curious...what makes you stay with him?

 

I know all about love and the bond it has between two people. My daughter is a kind and generous young girl who is trying to help someone she cares about. This young man is actually a nice guy but his problems run deep and my worry is that it will destroy her. I want desparately to understand all of this.

 

No matter what, she knows I love her and that I'll be here to help if it goes bad. I just hope she doesn't get hurt any more than she already has been.

 

SWW...

[sickwithworry]

Gee that was a supportive response. You know nothing about me and yet you are able to assume that my life isn't in order. I posted here looking for advice and helpful comments. If you have nothing valuable to say, it's best you not say anything.

[Green]

Gee that was a supportive response. You know nothing about me and yet you are able to assume that my life isn't in order. I posted here looking for advice and helpful comments. If you have nothing valuable to say, it's best you not say anything.

 

Its the most productive advice your going to get. I know that you going all hellicopter mom on your grown daughter and trying to steer her one way or another is only going to cause problems. Yes please be their for you daughter if she needs you but dont waste your energy and time trying to change things you shouldnt have control over. I know for a fact that there are things in your own life you could be working on, and your right I dont know you so I can be more specific about that but the point was worry about yourself and set the example its all you can do.

[sickwithworry]

Well, you've got that all wrong. I'm not doing any sort of "helicopter mom" stuff at all. I said my piece when she first got involved and told her it was her decision. I told her that as an adult she has to make her own decisions but that all decisions come with consequences -- some good & some bad. Then I stepped back and went in to supportive mode. When it fell apart and he robbed her, her father, her brother and me of $1,000 of dollars, she told me she was done and again I supported her and told her I understood how difficult this was for her. I made suggestions for where she could get him help when he tried to kill himself by running into oncoming traffic right in front of her.

 

We do not talk about this now because she does not know that I am aware she is still with him. She has told me that she still cares for him and that she is in touch. She also told me that he is back in jail for parole violations. It is relatively easy for her to have a clandestine relationship with him because her father is not tuned in and I live on the other side of the country from her.

[dropdeadlegs]

I certainly feel for you and your situation. It is excrutiating to watch a child in a downward spiral, making what we believe to be poor, even dangerous, choices. Being so far away must make it much harder.

 

Dealing with an addict from an emotional perspective is so complicated. From the outside looking in, it is difficult to comprehend why anyone would allow a generally destructive, often toxic, person to remain in one's life, especially someone not closely related. There are many lines of thought that could explain the phenomena.

1) Saviour syndrome - our love can overcome anything!

2) Self esteem issues - for some reason we don't feel we deserve better, or something better doesn't exist.

3) Self blame - the addiction is partially our fault. If only we had/hadn't...

Just to name a few, there must be dozens of possible explanations.

 

It appears that your daughter is being somewhat forthcoming, but not able to be completely upfront about everything. Surely she doesn't want to worry you, fears your disapproval, and desires your acceptance of this man should he overcome his demons. However, I think it is important that she know you have more knowledge than she is aware of. She can't be completely honest with you until you are completely honest with her. You do not have to reveal your source, and if the source comes out (and is somehow hurt by the revelation) your daughter still comes first. I also think her father needs to be "tuned in." He is in more immediate contact and has the right to know she is still involved with this man in ways she has not fully disclosed.

 

Of course there is only so much you can do as you are dealing with an adult. I applaud your support. I'm not sure you can do much more. I'm not as familiar with Narcotics Anonymous as I am with Alcoholics Anonymous, but AA has support groups such as Al-Anon and Alateen that assist the loved ones in dealing with addiction problems. I bet NA has similar support offered that helps one understand their limitations in the recovery of an addict. From watching A&E's Intervention series, the counselors suggest that tough love is the only route to encourage recovery and keep your own sanity. If the addict is using, they cannot be any part of your life. Only when in a recovery process do they get your support, even if you can never disengage your love. They have a saying, "I will not love you to death." It would be a very tough thing to do, and the loved ones of addicts need emotional counseling as much as the addict does.

 

Best wishes, sww. Keep the lines of communication open and encourage complete honesty. I would rather know the most awful truths than believe the most beautiful falsehoods. I'm sure you would, too. Tell your daughter that your support is not dependent on half-truths and assure her that you can better support her with complete knowledge.

[confusion92]

Well I don't know why I've stayed for so long, at first I didn't think it was a problem and he hide it quite well, by that time I was in love. Like all others I thought well I can help, or if I do this... or if I had done that.... I tend to blame myself for most things uncontrollable. I found myself in a hole and instead of getting out, I dug deeper. In 2004 I became pregnant with our daughter and I thought she would change him, I thought if I wasn't important enough then surly she would be. Sadly enough it wasn't the case, next of course was to take him away.... so we bought a home 30 minutes away from town with all of his "friends". Once again it didn't work, I now hang on because I don't know what else to do. I still love him, and now so does our daughter very much and I know what life is without a father, I can't do that to her. He loves her too much to take that away from her..... enough about me, you know your daughter and you know how strong she is and what she is capable of handling. She will leave when she can't take it anymore, and it doesn't mean that she'll end up with another person like this. Just talk to her when she needs someone to talk to, support her in her decisions, and try not to talk down about the person she loves.... it will only push her away and make it more difficult for her. I'm here if you would like to talk, I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Remember not all of our paths choosen will be straight and narrow, some are rocky and dangerous but it doesn't mean they don't lead to where we are supposed to be in the end.

[Geoffrey]

...it is very difficult to have a wide perspective.

 

I speak from experience - I was with an alcoholic girlfriend (we split up almost two years ago now) - I waited and prayed she would work to get herself well - and she didn't. She only got worse. She only made poor, "if it feels good now - do it" choices. I did everything I knew to do to try and help her, not everything right, I made mistakes too. She eventually left me for another, very sick alcoholic with more $$ to support her. I spent a ton of my own money on her and I know I will never see a dime of it back.

 

And truthfully...I cannot thank them enough for that.

 

The first six months away from her were like hell without the heat. We loved each other but her addiction took over and started calling the shots in her life. I was without direction, still drinking heavily myself, and left with many aspects of my life in a terrible mess. In May of last year, I found a job in Florida doing what I have always DREAMED of doing (they actually found me). At the time, I lived in NE Ohio (like you, confusion92) - and this company actually flew me back and forth, every other week, for almost seven months, until they hired me on full-time and moved me down here last December.

 

I never felt so important in all my life!

 

If that toxic relationship hadn't TANKED so badly, I wouldn't be living in a beautiful house about two miles from the beach, doing what I LOVE and making a DIFFERENCE in peoples' lives. And being well-paid and appreciated for it too.

 

I too was a VERY heavy drinker, VERY heavy smoker, no diet, etc. In the nine months that I have been down here, I have QUIT smoking and QUIT drinking - I also lost about 15 lbs too. And I eat healthy, nutritious meals every day - no more junk food either! I got myself CLEAN.

 

My life is now in order, I have CONTROL over the things I can control, and I GOT WELL. I look and feel better than I ever have in my life - I am HAPPY. I feel like I have slowly come back to life again!

 

And to think it took all that destructive living and codependence to reach this point...believe me, it was a long journey - but it also meant LEAVING THE TOXIC ONES BEHIND. Some of them I really liked, too.

 

If you hang around with people who are well...you cannot help but pursue wellness yourself. It does rub off.

 

If you hang around sick...you will open the door for it to come into your life as well. I know this from first-hand experience, and I can tell some stories of dealing with this person's addiction (the way I was treated, things she did, etc) that would literally make you fall right out of your chair.

 

I don't know how old you all are...but it can happen to you too, if you choose it. IT IS A CHOICE. Your daughter can decide for herself who she allows in or out of her life...and logical consequences follow our choices.

 

I am 42 and I only wish I had pursued wellness as diligently as I am pursuing it now, but the good news is that if I live to be 100, then I've got 58 good years left. I look at it that way. How you think...determines how you feel!

 

YOU CAN ALL DO THIS TOO. So can your daughter - I understand your feelings, for I have children too. IT IS A CHOICE. It isn't easy, but given enough time and effort....it works.

 

And just because you leave the addict doesn't mean you don't care for them or don't love them - it means you are taking care of yourself and not permitting their actions to destroy your life as well (Al-Anon taught me that).

 

I can't get those ****ty years back...but I can sure prevent the remaining time I have from circling the bowl, if you know what I mean.

 

Get going.....and good luck!

[lovesparis]

there are a ton of addicts that have gotten clean stayed clean and are wonderful people to be around.... however, your daughters boyfriend is not one of them. at least not yet.

 

loving an recovering addict can be an awesome thing, but they need to love themselves before they can love someone else.

 

firstly, he needs to be willing and interested in going into recovery. secondly, he needs to find a group that fits his personality and needs, b/c he needs to realize he can't do it on his own. thirdly, he can't be ready for a relationship until he learns who he really is.

 

so... that brings us to your daughter. she needs to get into a group like alanon or naranon for the people who have addicts in their lives. i don't know what it's like to love someone who is actively addicted and using, but i'm sure that those groups, or groupslike them,will help her do what she needs to. addicts tend to hurt those around them, who love them, most. but not because they really mean to. it's necessary for them to have support from their freinds and family, but often that support isn't able to be given again until they've proved themselves.

 

good luck to your daughter adn her boyfriend.

[Geoffrey]

so... that brings us to your daughter. she needs to get into a group like alanon or naranon for the people who have addicts in their lives. i don't know what it's like to love someone who is actively addicted and using, but i'm sure that those groups, or groupslike them,will help her do what she needs to. addicts tend to hurt those around them, who love them, most. but not because they really mean to. it's necessary for them to have support from their freinds and family, but often that support isn't able to be given again until they've proved themselves.

 

From my experience, it is like hell wthout the heat. Addicts make EVERYONE around them MISERABLE. While we who love them watch them slowly and methodically destroy themselves with NO REGARD for the consequences or feelings their actions produce. It is truly nightmarish. I had an ex-GF who was out of work and I NEVER KNEW what I was going to find when I got home from my job. Usually it was someone who was DEAD DRUNK, and VERY verbally abusive, and I ended up hiding the car keys because she wanted to go out and get more after what she drank was all gone. It was sick. Rolling around on the floor, slurring her curse words at me. But I loved her enough and was naive enough to think this would all pass...it only passed when I left her and moved on with my life.

[Green]

the problem with hell is your stuck

[living ina crapworld]

Hello...This is my first experience with a message board like this but I am hoping there is someone out there who can share with me and help me to help my daughter.

 

The story is this...she is 22 years old and lives far away from me. She has been "dating" this young man for over a year. They met shortly after he was paroled for a burglery charge. I met him and knew something wasn't right and it took some time before she finally clued me in. Unfortunately, I didn't get the whole story and doubt I even have it now. He was a recovering addict or so I was told and understanding that everyone makes mistakes and seeing what I thought was the right behaviour and attitude, gave him the benefit of the doubt. I learned this only because he was arrested again and still, I gave him another chance.

 

He came home after a couple of months, clean and ready to get to work on the rest of his life. He moved in with my daughter and her father and began working. Some odd things happened but being ignorant I found ways to justify them to myself and to help her understand. Oh boy was I WRONG. Soon my ex called to say that money was missing and to make a very long and ugly story short...it was my daughter's boyfriend and he was using again. Big surprise, right?

 

So, he was asked to leave and that night attempted suicide in front of my daughter. She got him to the hospital and he was quickly released and put into gov't housing and placed on welfare. She continued to see him for a while and then found out that he was using again and told me she was done with him. She also admitted that she had been lying about how much she'd seen him, etc.

 

Well, the story didn't end there because somehow she ended up back with him again. She tells me that she's not really "with" him but is trying to stand by him while figuring out what to do. The truth is that she is, in fact, in love with him and has no intention of leaving him. He has stolen from her, my ex, my son and from me...$1000's of dollars. Still she stands by him. I have learned (and not from her) that he has been using AGAIN and that his parole has been revoked. She doesn't know I know this and I cannot tell her that I do because I cannot reveal my source of information to her.

 

Please...if anyone can help me to help her see the light please share your insight with me. My heart is breaking for her and the pain she felt...the pain she will continue to feel if she continues with this man. I looked into his background a little further and from what I can see he was first arrested over 5 years ago and has been in and out of jail on assorted burglery related charges since. He is essentially a career criminal who is addicted to heroin. Her life, her emotional well being, her finances...are all in jeapordy and I cannot get through to her.

 

I truly am SICKWITHWORRY

Thank you

 

Your story is heartbreaking im a young woman myself and i dont think there is much you can do to stop her from seeing him girls are emotional and attachment to men is very hard to break. if you see it from her point of view this guy is probably pleading with her not to leave him im sure he is still smart enough to entice her to stay wether it be threts of suicide or saying how sorry he is all the time. but no matter how nice it would be to think he will change he wont unless he found the lord of corse. and your daughter wont leave him till he lets her by him meeting someone else or going to far that she has to leave. i had many problems with men when i was younger and my mum tried to reason with me too but no good cos people are always going to self involved and i didn't care at that point what my mum wanted i knew she was right but still didn't care. i did become a christian and it changed my life and now my mum and i are best of friends and she cant beleive iam the same person. but in your case all you can do is be there for her support her no matter how much it hurts you and be there when she calls give her advise because no doubt it will get through to her maybe not straight away but some day. dont ever loose hope things will be better. let love and faithfullness never leave you bind them in a tablet around your neck write them on a tablet of your heart Proverbs 3 2-4 hope i have helped in some way

[andersks]

I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years. The first 2.5 years my boyfriend was using painkillers such as oxycontin and morphine (the synthetic version of heroin). He was also drinking heavily and smoking a lot of weed.

 

The problem was that I thought so highly of him as a person and loved him so much that I completely overlooked all the typical drug abuse red flags. I wasn't even fully aware of his use of painkillers. I knew that his mom had several prescriptions for these pills, however, and ocasionally she would tell me that some would be missing. Looking back on it, I was in denial. I was also enabling him.

 

Eventually, I got sick of his indifference about the relationship, sick of him sleeping all day, and sick of him putting me last in line. I broke up with him for good (we had broken up before). This was the point where I put everything on the line and said goodbye and meant it. I had met someone else, and was interested in dating him.

 

A month later he called me immediately after totaling his car. He made it to a friends house and hid his vehicle, couldn't get a hold of his parents or sister to come pick him up and I was over an hour away. His sister finally reached him and brought him back to his parents house. An hour later, his mom called me and told me that he attempted suicide. They were taking him to a treatment center in the hospital.

 

I visited him every day in the hospital. He was in rough shape most of the time, going through withdrawals and such. Luckily, he had to stay until the hospital let him go, because of his attempted suicide. He was also fortunate enough to be in the care of a doctor who was able to prescribe him suboxone. (This is a more effective treatment than methadone because there isn't a chance to abuse it. Plus, suboxone is made so that any interaction with outside opiates will send your body into shock and thus, into the hospital)

 

He has been sober for a year and a half. No drugs, weed, alcohol or even cigarettes.

 

The whole point is that he had to stand on his own two feet, without me there to make everything feel okay, in order to hit rock bottom. In which case, he wasn't cabable of standing on his own two feet.

 

Unfortunately, you can't save your daughter any pain because she'll feel it whether she's with him or not. I think that you should let her know what you know and reassure her that you're not mad and that you're not making any judgements. At least this will open the lines of communication and hopefully, she will feel comfortable enough to talk to you about it. That way, you can be a support for her which it sounds like you are wanting. I know that anytime i've hid something from my parents, it's been because I was afraid, embarrassed, or didn't want to hurt them. She just needs to know that she doesn't need to fear you or worry about your diapproval or hurt feelings.

 

Maybe you two could check out some of the doctors in the area to see if any prescribe suboxone. That way if something happens again, she'll know where to take him. (I really do think that it is what saved my boyfriend)

 

Sorry this is so long!