My GF has low self-esteem and is obsessed with her weight

[Fluffybunny7]

My GF and I have been dating for about half a year now, and we're very close. Things are great. She and share a lot of interests, we're both very open and honest with each other, and I think our personalities compliment each other. However, the relationship is hard when she feels down. There are times when she feels worthless and thinks that everyone except me believes the same of her.

 

One of the things that really bothers me is that she uses a scale to evaluate her self-worth. People close to her, including her family and me, tell her she looks great; but she lets the scale decide that for her. I understand her fear of gaining back weight she's lost, but I try to tell her I love her no matter what she weighs. She let me take the scale for a while. But then she got upset when I wouldn't let her weigh herself as often as she wanted. So now she I let her have the scale back with the promise that she wouldn't let it rule her. But she's already using to justify herself again.

 

She says that all the things I tell her helps, and I can see some improvement; but she still basically feels the same. She's says that it'll take time... and I wouldn't expect it to happen instantly; but it's been a while and it's starting to wear on me. I don't want to be in a relationship where the other person judges their value based on appearance. She gets so self-conscious sometimes, that she runs away or avoids places because she's afraid of what people will think of her or us.

 

Anyway, I should probably cut it off here or nobody will read this. Thanks in advance for any help. Very much appreciated.

[norajane]

Does she understand that weighing herself all the time is really useless as a measure of even her weight?? Muscle weighs more than fat, water retention or loss can show a gain or loss on the scale having nothing to do with true weight, weight doesn't show fitness... So daily fluctuations in weight really mean very little, which is why it is such a bad thing to weigh in daily.

 

I guess none of that matters to her?

 

Reassurance, as you've been giving her will help, but she has to reach a point where she is comfortable with herself before she'll give up measuring her worth by her weight. Perhaps if she achieves successes in her school/work, or if she becomes involved with something OUTSIDE her self-centered body image (like helping at an animal shelter, or other volunteer work which may be meaningful to her), she can get beyond this one measure. Therapy can also help.

 

Does she have an eating disorder, too?

 

There isn't much you can do outside of what you're doing. It's up to you how long you can deal with it. I know it's hard to be with someone who puts themselves down all the time, or who doesn't believe you when you say you think they're hot, or who dismisses what you say in favor of their own negative thoughts.

[Fluffybunny7]

I'm not really sure where she's at now... but before I took the scale she would weigh herself about 5x a day. So little fluctuations would really depress her. She thought that she did something to deserve the one pound she gained within the past 3hrs. She used to purge, but since being with me has ceased to do so. However, with the scale she was eating and drinking less and would occaisionally crash. When I took the scale, that got better. But now that she's got it again... I'm worried.

 

Volunteer work sounds interesting, I suggested that to her at one point as a way to not only get out and do something but as a way to overcome her social anxiety.

 

Thanks for your advice.

[norajane]

Crash? As in faint?

 

Get this girl to a psychologist and a nutritionist. She's damaging her health. Her mind is already in trouble if she's weighing in 5 times a day and is becoming depressed over every minor fluctuation.

 

She has a PROBLEM. This is not normal.

[chill chic]

In a way, I can relate to your gf. I have an eating disorder, have been for awhile, ever since I first popped my first diet pill 5 years, it has gotten progressively worse. I stopped taking the pills about 4 months ago cold turkey because they were having an effect on my kidney. During that time I was anorexic, because the pills stopped me from eating. Now I've resorted to bulimia, and I've ALWAYS told myself it wouldn't get this bad and I know I have a problem. I'm the opposite of your gf though, whereas I NEVER weigh myself, haven't been on the scale by myself for about 4 years now. When I go to the doctor, I tell the nurse not to say it out loud. I also exercise excessively. But I realize I have morethan just an eating disorder problem, it relates to other problems as well.

I'm not sure how bad her case is, but it has nothing to do with you, it's all in her head, somewhere along the way, she has heard something or seen something that pressures her to be a certain weight. And yes she does have low self-esteem, and the only thing she can do is work on this herself, until she feels it's out of her control, then she needs to seek help. It may or may not involve you, but be there for her when she asks for help. Right now she needs a close friend, does she have any girl friends? I would say you, but she could throw it in your face that guys just don't understand, I know that might not be the case with you. All you can do is show her love, don't force her to do or not do, let her handle it on her own for now. Hope this helped a little.

[Fluffybunny7]

Crash? As in faint?

 

Get this girl to a psychologist and a nutritionist. She's damaging her health. Her mind is already in trouble if she's weighing in 5 times a day and is becoming depressed over every minor fluctuation.

 

She has a PROBLEM. This is not normal.

 

Not faint... but almost. She just loses all energy and has to rest. I can't get her to see any help as she's been seeing psychologists and counselors until meeting me. She was on a lot of drugs, and just felt absent from her body. Now she's quit all of that because she turned 18 before we met and was happy to have a say in what was done to her.

[Fluffybunny7]

chill chic:"Right now she needs a close friend, does she have any girl friends? I would say you, but she could throw it in your face that guys just don't understand, I know that might not be the case with you."

 

She has a few friends, but none nearby that she could really visit.

Thanks for your perspective.

[norajane]

Not faint... but almost. She just loses all energy and has to rest. I can't get her to see any help as she's been seeing psychologists and counselors until meeting me. She was on a lot of drugs, and just felt absent from her body. Now she's quit all of that because she turned 18 before we met and was happy to have a say in what was done to her.

 

Ah, then you need to accept this is who she is and how she is, and it's not going to change any time soon.

 

She has to seek out help for her problem because she wants help, and she has to buy into the concept of food = energy, before she gets healthy.

 

She's going to keep weighing herself, restricting her food and water, and feeling depressed about her weight. That will not change until, well, something bad happens and she ends up in a hospital, or she herself realizes she needs help. It's not on you - you can try, but don't blame yourself if you don't get through to her.

[whichwayisup]

Volunteer work sounds interesting, I suggested that to her at one point as a way to not only get out and do something but as a way to overcome her social anxiety.

She has social anxiety, has a low self image of herself, the obsession of her weight (it IS an obsession, weighing yourself so many times a day isn't a good thing) she needs therapy. Google cognitive behaviour therapy. It'll help her gain back her self esteem, self confidence and teach her heathier ways of thinking and handling her lower moments. She probably is depressed as well - Hense the negative thoughts and worrisome thoughts that others think badly of her, and how she doubts how you feel about her...

 

She also needs to see a nutritionist to help her keep on a healthy diet. Skipping meals and having almost fainting spells, low blood sugar etc., is only making her feel worse. A round of blood tests will show what vitamins and minerals she's missing, she may need B12 shots (and that will help with her energy level, raise her mood as well) if she isn't eating properly.

 

You are a good boyfriend! Stay positive, give her lots of affection, support, love...And, make her LAUGH. Laughter is always good medicine.

[Fluffybunny7]

I want to thank all who offered their wonderful advice.

 

whichwayisup: Google cognitive behaviour therapy.

 

Thanks, I did look into that and it seems pretty similar to what I've been doing with her. I went out and looked at some books on the subject, but they used a very psychological approach (duh, it's therapy). So I decided I'll read up on it online, but I don't want to sound like her psychiatrists. I did, however, get a book called "talking to Anxiety" that is about supporting someone in your life who suffers from anxiety; which is where a lot of her depression stems from. So I hope that'll help me help her.

 

Once again, thanks for all of your advice and encourage. I believe that she and I can get through this together.

[lino]

Does she understand that weighing herself all the time is really useless as a measure of even her weight?? Muscle weighs more than fat, water retention or loss can show a gain or loss on the scale having nothing to do with true weight, weight doesn't show fitness... So daily fluctuations in weight really mean very little, which is why it is such a bad thing to weigh in daily.

 

Exactly right!

 

Does she go to a gym? If not then I think it would be a good idea for her to visit one regularly as it will help her with self esteem and keep her in shape too.

As for the eating disorder stuff, sorry can't help with that as I know nothing about it.

You sound like a good bloke, good luck

[whichwayisup]

Buy the "Feeling Good Book" By Dr David Burns, or the "Been there, done that? Do this!" By Sam Obitz. Both books are CBT and are extremely helpful.

 

but they used a very psychological approach (duh, it's therapy). So I decided I'll read up on it online, but I don't want to sound like her psychiatrists.

 

CBT is talk therapy. A therapist who SPECIALIZES in CBT will help her and honestly, you can only do so much. She needs to try CBT firsthand.

 

I suffer from an anxiety disorder, (much better now) and found the best therapist. We connected from day one. That is the key too, finding the right person.

[JCD]

She needs to get out more and do things so her mind isn't occupied with self conscious thoughts. She needs to learn some skill that would improve her self esteem and confidence so she doesn't feel like she is worthless. Lastly, she needs to realize that what others think about her doesn't matter, to a point of course. It also helps for her to face her anxieties and fears head on and to conquer them.