How to handle this potentially new situation

[Geneva]

I have had this long distance older boyfriend for almost two years and there have been many ups and downs. I suffered alot because he played mental games with me which I won't get into now..

On Friday night at this free shabbat dinner I attended I met another guy closer to my age (ten years older) who was very interested in me. After the dinner he invited me to go out for tea with other people in the group he knew. It was very pleasant and we had a nice time. He told me he had just bought a house and wanted to finally settle down in his life.

The reason I mention this is because my older long distance boyfriend is notoriously stingy and cheap even though he isn't poor. For example, a month ago I met him in Central America for two weeks (he goes there every year for a few months to escape the winter) and he wanted us to go dutch on everything (pay for yourself) and I hated this. He hardly went to any nice restaurants and most of the time he ate at McDonald's or bought food to take to the hotel room!! I ended up paying for him to eat out in nice places because I didn't want to go alone (it was dangerous to go out alone and I didn't know the place very well, ect..) and he accepted!!!!!

Well, this other guy has talked about inviting me to nice restaurants in town, and we will go out on Wednesday night to a Japanese restaurant. Usually I don't feel a physical attraction to a man I only meet for the first time, but for this guy I am afraid I

might feel something and this scares the hell out of me.

I am afraid of disappointing this new guy or for something to go wrong because I feel I have been kind of brain washed by my long distance boyfriend.

How should I go about this?? Should I tell the new guy about my long distance relationship?? Should I tell my long distance boyfriend about this new guy I will go out with???

HELP!!!

[quankanne]

sounds like you're trying very hard to be a good girlfriend to a complete creep, and that's a never-ending, never-gonna-be-won battle. I think all of us have been through that at some time or another, with someone we've dated or liked ...

 

the best thing to do is dump your selfish boyfriend, and fast. He doesn't sound like he's capable of giving you the respect that is needed to keep a relationship viable, and really, do you want to end up with a cheap bastard who doesn't mind taking advantage of your generosity, but gripes if you order anything more expensive on the fast-food menu than a Happy Meal? I didn't think so.

 

the dinner companion you met recently (?) sounds like a decent kind of guy, like someone who wasn't raised by wolves and who doesn't mind showing respect to others. Even if this doesn't develop into a love interest with him, you can't go wrong making a friend like him.

 

I guess it's normal to be concerned, even freaked out when someone acts decent towards you, when all you're accustomed to is jerks like the LDBF ... but don't let it ruin a possible relationship with someone who is good to you in a way you deserve. You're not going to disappoint him if you're open and honest and good in return ... only if you treat him the way the boyfriend from hell has/is treating you.

 

as in any prospective relationship that you pursue, make sure you've ended one relationship before going into another one. It just makes for bad feelings all the way around if you're trying to seriously date two folks at the same time ...

[Just A Girl2]

You wanted to brush over this issue here, but let's not:

 

I have had this long distance older boyfriend for almost two years and there have been many ups and downs. I suffered alot because he played mental games with me which I won't get into now..

 

So I don't get it, why are you with a cheap, stingy man who plays mental games, in a long distance relationship where there are many ups and downs? I think I recall a lot of your posts from a couple of years ago (your b/f had some kind of shady business dealings down in Columbia or Cuba, and he wouldn't tell you what, he had women friends, etc). If I recall correctly, you never had one good thing to say about him....just lots of negative stuff....about how he mistreated you and disrespected you and how you didn't trust him. So why are you with him all this time, then? You can't really complain about how he IS if you continue to stay with him.

 

Now, about this new guy.....I may have misunderstood but I got the impression from your post that the biggest reason you're attracted to him is because he seems to have some money/has a home/will take you to nice restaurants. You're not just looking for someone with money, are you?

 

That being said, I think it would be really wrong to start seeing the new guy and not tell him about your BOYFRIEND.........that would be dishonest and deceitful (sort of like how you used to complain about your b/f, who kept secrets from you, secret bank accts, etc).

 

So it seems to me that you have to make a decision........stay with the old long distance cheap, stingy dude who plays mental games with you (why, I have no idea) and accept the way he is, or put your foot down and stop accepting crap and break up with him...THEN start seeing the new guy.

 

You do NOT have to tell your CURRENT B/F about this new guy.......just tell him the relationship is over (for whatever reasons you want to give him), and that's that.

 

But in fairness to the new guy, I hope that if you decide to see him, you do so because of who he is as a person, on the 'inside' and not because he has money to spend on you.

[Geneva]

I didn't mean to make it sound like I was only interested in this new guy because he had money to spend on me. I only used it to make a contrast with my current BF's money habits, but it is nice when a man acts like a gentleman towards a lady. Now I don't expect that men should pay for everything, especially if the two people are the same age and are in equal positions, but if the guy is older and more established I think it is only normal that he pay for more than the woman.

Obviously I've been a hypocrite towards myself for putting up with my current BF's money ethics (or non-ethics) and even falling for some of his traps (for example, inviting him to go somewhere on a day trip and offering to pay out of guilt due to an arguement we had had, ect...)

 

I just want to go out with this new guy alone and see what my other potential options could be because it seems like forever that I have kept most of my options closed.

[girlflorida]

Hi Geneva. How often do you see your boyfriend? He's a lot older than you but refuses to pay for your dinner when you come to visit? THis guy sounds like he's totally taking advantage of you. (to say the least) You've been dating for two years, living in different countries? How in the world are you handling that? Especially when the guy treats you like crap!! I agree with Just A Girl2...you must make a decision to either stay...or get out!!

 

SOmething you have to be careful with is to use this new guy as a crutch. You are lonely and vulnerable...so be careful. Take things slowly and remain friends with him, get to know him, and then go from there. I would deal with your current relationship first, then once you have made the decision to leave your boyfriend...take some time...remain friends with the new guy...and start dating him once you somewhat get over your current boyfriend.

 

Remember...you should be treated like a lady!! NEver accept less!!

 

GOod Luck!

[clia]

Geneva,

 

Why are you staying in this relationship with your boyfriend if you are not happy?

 

There is no law out there that says you can't break up with him. I think it would be extremely rude and disrespectful to go out on a date with a new guy without breaking up with your boyfriend first. I don't care if your boyfriend is a jerk, you don't want to sink to the disrespectful level. If you aren't happy, break up with him. You don't need "back up" to break up with a man. Break up with him, and then go out with the new guy.

[quankanne]

call me obtuse, but I didn't get the impression that she was interested in *using* the new guy, just concerned about where he fit in picture. Having dated someone like her jerk boyfriend, I understand where she's coming from: you stay with someone like that because you don't really understand that this is the most you're going to get from him, instead, you keep thinking that if you are a "good" girlfriend to him, he's going to see the error of his ways and become more generous, more loving, etc. I think each and every one has been in a relationship like that, where it was very one-sided and nothing could ever really come from it.

 

I also remember it was hard to even consider dating another man after I broke up with el pendejo, because I thought I was lacking something, that I was the screwed up one for not being able to make that relationship work .... it does a number on your head and your heart, and you just don't trust your new feelings. But, Miss Neva, it gets better, and you do start trusting yourself again after you've been burned. Just be sure to extricate yourself from your relationship with the jerk before giving your full attention to the new guy, who sounds like he's one of the good guys.

[Ally Boo]

I just want to warn you about something. I have been involved with a few selfish men in my time, and when you come across a guy who is everything you WISH your man WOULD be, you get in a dangerous zone.

 

You have to keep in mind that you don't really know this guy, and part of the reason you are so attracted to him could be bc he's so different.

 

Its like....why do women in a loveless marriage have affairs with guys they'd never give the time of day to, under any other circumstance with them being single? It's the same concept. It's so different than what you are used to (in the example's case, it would be affection and attention) that you grasp onto it without a second thought.

 

I would break up with the LDB and then wait a while for your head and heart to clear and get over this mess he's put you through. Then, give this new guy a call...to give yourself a fair chance, and not get in over your head.

[Kidd Seuss]

[color=darkred]From the sounds of it, the boyfriend isn't much of a fella. And, just for future reference, mind games = mental abuse = ABUSE. Would you stick around a guy who smacked you around all the time? Its the same thing. I think you should be open about what you are doing to both parties involved. Its better than getting caught in a lie or concealing the truth. But do realize that you may run the risk of being single again if things don't work out with the new fella. But being single isn't entirely horrible either... And it leaves you open to attract new talent.

 

Drew [/color]

[Geneva]

Okay so I finally went out on a date with the new guy yesterday.

I wanted to get a "feel" for him before deciding whether to tell him about the long-distance boyfriend and I ended up not mentioning it at all because I wasn't sure whether I thought there was "potential" for him to become my new boyfriend.

 

Actually, I met him at his house which he was renovating and we went to a restaurant for dinner which was very pleasant.

I had thrown my back out so I could barely walk and was in alot of pain, so I still wasn't sure if I was attracted to him or not, but he seemed nice enough.

Afterwards he invited me to his place to have tea which I accepted, but was uncomfortable with my back pain and he didn't have a couch, so he asked if I wanted to lie down in one of the bedrooms, but I declined. He later asked if I wanted to spend the night (I live about half an hour drive away in the suburbs) in one of the bedrooms, and he said, "I won't try anyting with you," but I declined as I was certainly not ready to try a sleep over thing even if nothing would have happened. I think this is kind of fast on his part. Don't you?

 

In the past I've usually almost always felt an immediate physical attraction to men I later became involved with and we did things too soon. I wonder if what I'm experiencing now for the first time is the "normal way" healthy relationships develop.

 

He's supposed to come over to my place for lunch over the weekend, and I have access to a hot-tub. Would that be too suggestive if I asked him to bring a bathing suite? I mean, would he get ideas that I was interested in him physically?

[quankanne]

sounds like he was more concerned about you possibly being in pain from your back problems, than he was trying to jump your bones. Maybe you, from your past experiences with men you were physically attracted to, read more into his offer than was actually there? Or maybe not, only you can decide ...

 

if you've got access to a hot tub, I think that's a wonderful way to get relief from backpain; especially if you are able to go on a regular basis. I don't think it'd be too forward to invite him to "therapy" if you keep it in that context (as in, "I've been going every day to our spa/hot tub/whirlpool to help ease the pain in my back ... I'll most likely be going out there Saturday, you're welcome to come keep me company if you'd like," or something low-key but to that effect). Unless he's a real hornball, I don't think he's going to read into that invitation that he's got a chance to have sex with you. Especially if you mention the back pains!

[clia]

So now you are cheating on your boyfriend? Nice.

 

I wasn't sure whether I thought there was "potential" for him to become my new boyfriend.

 

Why do you need a boyfriend so badly? Why do you need backup so badly before you end things with your current boyfriend?

 

He's supposed to come over to my place for lunch over the weekend, and I have access to a hot-tub. Would that be too suggestive if I asked him to bring a bathing suite? I mean, would he get ideas that I was interested in him physically?

 

I think it's way too suggestive for a second date. Hot tubs are meccas for sex and suggestiveness. I'd avoid the hot tub and let him take you out to lunch at a restaurant. Are you cooking for him already? Didn't you just meet this guy? Why aren't you expecting him to date you properly? Have him pick you up and take you out and make no mention of the hot tub.

[Just A Girl2]

Ms Geneva,

 

Keep in mind, this is just my OPINION (which very much mirror's Clia's).

 

Your long distance boyfriend is a jerk. I remember your posts about him from 3 yrs ago.....tons of posts about the shady things he did, the way he mistreated you, disrespected you, kept secrets from you, used you, took you for granted, would not allow you to phone him when he was down in Central America (he wouldn't give you a # where he could be reached, and insisted on calling YOU collect, when HE felt like it, etc).

 

Why on earth are you with this old fart? (He was a LOT older than you)

 

Now, regardless of the fact that he's a huge pr*ck, I think it's extremely wrong of you to be seeing this new guy, even if it's just as friends.......because you're being deceitful to him (I'm sure he's thinking you wouldn't see someone else), and it's deceitful to the new guy. The new guy obviously should be told that you've got a LDR with someone you've been with for 3 yrs. That's common sense and common courtesy. You might think it's no big deal because your old fart LDR is a bonehead, but it still doesn't justify it. If you feel compelled to check someone else out, you should just be done with it and end it with him, period.

 

What if this new guy really starts developing feelings for you? It CAN happen quickly for some people. I'm SURE he assumes that you're single, right? Do you think he'd be spending time with you if he knew you were in a long term relationship? I don't think so. Most people don't invest time (and money) in someone who's not available.

 

I think it was a bit much to go back to his house on your first meeting.....you don't really know him, he could be a psycho for all you know.

 

As for inviting him out, and to use a hot tub with you, I think that's out of line. He would very likely read a lot more into it (what guy wouldn't?)....and again, he's going to keep thinking you're single/available, which you're not.

 

I think it's tacky to have one relationship going on (regardless of whether it's bad or not), while getting your feet wet in another one. How would YOU feel if the tables were turned, and you met someone and they wanted to spend time with you, only they were actually in a long distance relationship? I imagine you'd feel pretty p*ssed, deceived, lied to (lie by omission), used, lead on.

 

Common sense is really warranted here. Use some.