I've made my decision-- needed!

[Zapbasket]

Sunshinegirl, you know I appreciate everything you have said to me on this board. But I really don't see how you can say what you just did without knowing me at all in person, or even knowing my name or what I look like or how I spend the other 23.5 hours of the day I'm not on loveshack. Look back over your own threads when you were getting over your SIX-MONTH-LONG relationship and see what you wrote (I read them all). You sound just like me, albeit with your own twist. There's a certain arrogance in coming on here and saying someone needs therapy, and in a tone suggesting I'm just past the point of no return. I'm a high-functioning adult who is in my own company 24/7 and I FEEL the difference in how I'm feeling and thinking from even 3 months ago; I'm LIVING that difference and sadly I'm unable to articulate those kaleidoscopic shifts here.

 

I know it's just an internet forum but nonetheless I'm irritated at your post. It's very arrogant of you to suggest what you do, not to mention insulting and evident that you're not really reading what I'm writing (for, if you were a close reader, you'd see that there is jack crap in the trajectory of my posts that suggests "crazy-making" or even circularity). You're right; I need to do more than write on a board like this, which is why you see my posts from March on number less than 400 and not 15,000: I'm spending 99% of my time doing MY LIFE: making new friends, dating, working, new-job-hunting, exercising, pursuing hobbies; keeping up with loved ones. I feel a burst of pain, I come here, I write it down, I read the boards a bit, I feel better, I go back to my REAL life.

 

I appreciate your input--and I actually really LIKE the person you portray on this site--but you're out of line on your last post.

[sunshinegirl]

I'm not trying to argue with or attack you.

 

From my perspective, you seem stuck - you are still blaming yourself, you are still struggling big time to make sense of, or make your peace with, your loss. So I suggested doing something different, something that really helped get me out of my own crazy-making (meaning it was MAKING ME CRAZY that I couldn't figure it out and kept going around in circles) stuck phase.

 

I never said you're not living your life, I never said you've posted 15000 things on LS.

 

I'm sorry you think it was arrogant of me to suggest counseling to help you move toward that. I'm sorry you think I'm jumping to the wrong conclusions.

 

Good luck.

[tinke]

ahhhh greencove..what to do.....

 

delusional? well, are you putting your life on hold "waiting" for him to come back? are you stirring up fantasies? unrealistic outcomes? are you betting on him pining for you but unable to express his emotions?

 

it appears that you are extremely hopeful and not ready to resolve that he may never contact you. i have seen great strides and then some set-backs which is perfectly normal. i may be very off on this...but, i think holding onto that hope holds onto some form of control. because to let that go means acceptance that the relationship is over.

holding onto that hope keeps it alive..almost in a dormant state, waiting for it to become active.

 

the truth for all of us is that we do not have that control over the other's actions or thoughts. we must choose to stay in that state of limbo or forge ahead to the unknown as difficult as that may be.

 

i am not sure what more you can do for the relationship. i do believe at some point you will exhaust yourself and resign to "giving up".

maybe at some point in the future he may contact you, you may run into each other, but in the meantime, you'll have to accept his words and become comfortable in your world without him.

 

just from an outsider's view, it seems that you are reluctant to let go...that just the thought of reuniting keeps you hooked and caught in that constant cycle of maybes, what ifs. not to be cruel, i very much understand.

 

i can see huge changes in my thoughts and attitude towards my ex, but only after i have DECIDED to move ahead. it seems once you allow yourself to release that grasp...it becomes much easier to reach for something else...a renewed hope.

 

you'll figure out what works for you. do give yourself credit for the leaps you have accomplished, it is not an easy task.

 

i guess again, i would have to ask...what is it you want to accomplish?

once you can answer that, you will know what direction to take.

 

take care of yourself

thinking of you!

[norajane]

But he felt he was kept waiting, put on the back burner while I struggled to finish my thesis. Shortly before he moved here, he spoke about how happy he was now that "the relationship's long hibernation is coming to an end." And I was so upset by that comment and told him so; I told him that for me I was giving 100% and the relationship wasn't in hibernation but was developing along certain lines while granted, not being able to develop along other lines because of the distance...but certainly not "in hibernation."

Have you ever considered the relationship might have come to an end much, much sooner had you not been long distance? That, in fact, it was the hibernation, the anticipation of what things would be could be might be is what kept it going? That you would have seen that he wasn't someone you could be with long term - because he cannot communicate the way you need a partner to - if you had been together instead of apart?

 

I ask because I know for sure that a long term relationship I had that was long distance for a while in the middle would have never lasted that long if we had lived in the same city the whole time and followed the normal trajectory of the relationship without interruption by distance. I would have seen far sooner than I did that we were ultimately not compatible.

 

In any case, stop beating yourself and taking all this blame. Woulda coulda shoulda makes no difference - if he and you were truly 100% right for each other, it would have worked because you both would have worked to make it work. That he didn't, or that you didn't, or that you both didn't make it work is a clear sign that the relationship would have fallen apart sooner or later.

 

No one acts 'perfectly' in a relationship. We all do what seems best at the time, and there is nothing more than we can really ever do. Things have a way of working out for the best in the end. You may not see it at the time, but 'in the end' you will see that this break up was for the best.

 

Stop dwelling. Seriously, you're making yourself ill. Turn it off. Shut down the negative, destructive thoughts.

[tinke]

hey greencove..how are you?

just a check in to see how you're holding up.

[Zapbasket]

Wow, it's been quite a month. I don't know where to begin and I need some advice.

 

Well, for starters, I don't know how it happened, but this month I got a lot of dates. I never even needed to use match.com. I've had some lovely dates, but didn't really feel inspired by any of them, i.e., most of the dates were one-time things where the guy was interested in going out again and would call, text, etc., and I just wasn't interested and let them fade out.

 

Two weeks ago, though, I was at an academic conference in my city for work, and I met someone and we went out for a drink one evening. Within 45 minutes we were into some major lip-locking and...it was really nice. We met up again the next evening, this time for dinner and what was supposed to be drinks but I had to drop some important materials by my office first; the office was nearby so he came along...and...I ended up having sex with him in my office. It felt really good--not just the sex, but the conversation, the cuddling, all of it. He wanted me to go back to his hotel for [the little that remained of] the night, but I chose not to and went home. The next day he had to fly back home out west, and I volunteered to accompany him to the airport.

 

Since then we've e-mailed a few times, and last night we talked for nearly 5 hours on the phone. All of it was nice. He has invited me to come out to visit him (he lives in Colorado and I live in NYC).

 

I'm hemming and hawing on this one. To begin with, he's 49 (I'm 31). There's nothing "wrong" with that age difference, but for me, I'd prefer someone more my age. Also, he's never been married and I'm sorry if I sound judgmental but in my view, when a man is accomplished, charming, good looking, materially successful, etc., if he's not found a way to ever finding someone to marry I see it as a red flag that the guy has intimacy issues or some other big-time hang-up. I even asked him why he had never married, and he admitted, "I was an idiot." He elaborated that he foreclosed on relationships that could probably have made it longer term.

 

He's very intelligent and though there are things about him that strike me as immature for his age, he seems like an overall decent person. But I already know that there is no hope of anything long-term with him, simply because of my OWN desires at this time of my life, where I am emotionally, etc., as well as just my instincts kicking in and telling me more than I need to know.

 

I find myself very drawn to him, however. Somehow I feel like even just the two encounters we've had so far have done wonders to pull me forward in relation to the loss of my ex that has hit me so hard for this past year. Because of this inexplicable magnetic pull I feel toward him despite all the "red flags" that are going up for me in terms of any real relationship potential coming out of this, I'm very, VERY tempted to take him up on his offer to visit him in Colorado.

 

First of all, since the holidays I've been skiing every weekend. I went skiing for Christmas break and it was the first thing that made me feel like I still have my old mojo. It felt so good that I committed to go skiing every weekend this season, and so far I have, and it's just done wonders for my spirit, my healing.

 

This guy is an avid skier (when we first encountered each other at the conference we somehow got on the subject of skiing and that's what drew us to each other conversationally) and what's more has been a ski instructor as a hobby for years. If I visit him in Colorado, we're going to spend most of that time skiing, which would be heavenly for me. Add to it that we'll have lots of great cuddling and sex, and I predict we'd have quite a lovely long weekend together.

 

What's your advice? Do I go? If I go, knowing that there is really no future between us from my standpoint even though I do genuinely like him and certainly he's made my hormones zoom all over the place in a way none of the other people I dated this past month did? And if I do go knowing that, am I just using him and therefore being really crappy and unfair to him? He claims he's not expecting anything, he just felt that the time he spent with me in NYC was special and he'd like to have the opportunity to spend more time with me.

 

As you all on loveshack know, I'm still dealing with the pain of the loss of my ex. I'm doing great, but the pain still is there and I feel that brick by brick I'm getting my life on track, getting comfortable in my own skin, etc. This development is my priority right now, and I don't want to get all involved in something that ultimately isn't good for me. I've never really done the "fling" thing and so this is all very new territory for me, on a vast array of levels.

 

One final confusing thing is that a friend of mine went skiing with me last weekend and I told him about this man and his invitation to come visit him, and my friend (a guy just a few years older than me) said, "Well, the thing is that if you pursue this when you know it's just a fling, someone else who can give you everything you're looking for in a relationship might pass by like a ship in the night." He knows all about my struggles to deal with my breakup and last weekend he admitted that he'd "love to ask me out." I understood last weekend that he's been attracted to me for a while now, and after his admission and given the conversations we had around this man and my ex I can only surmise that he's refrained from asking me out (he's not at all a shy guy) because he can sense that I'm not yet ready; I'm not "over" my ex yet.

 

So if that's really where I am emotionally, so much so that my friend can notice it, would it be just plain wrong of me to go ahead and book a trip to Colorado to have a fun weekend with this man?

 

I feel irritated with myself that the only person I managed to feel all turned on by and drawn to after all these dates with all these guys is the guy who doesn't even live in NYC and is nowhere near my age. I absolutely do NOT want to get involved in some long-distance thing after the burden of the long distance arrangement (until the end) with my ex.

 

Advice welcome as always, wise LSers

[norajane]

I feel irritated with myself that the only person I managed to feel all turned on by and drawn to after all these dates with all these guys is the guy who doesn't even live in NYC and is nowhere near my age. I absolutely do NOT want to get involved in some long-distance thing after the burden of the long distance arrangement (until the end) with my ex.

 

Then DON'T!!!

 

Your friend is right. You have to say NO to the things that aren't right for you in order to be open to say YES to the things that are right for you.

[OpenBook]

What's your advice? Do I go? If I go, knowing that there is really no future between us from my standpoint even though I do genuinely like him and certainly he's made my hormones zoom all over the place in a way none of the other people I dated this past month did? And if I do go knowing that, am I just using him and therefore being really crappy and unfair to him? He claims he's not expecting anything, he just felt that the time he spent with me in NYC was special and he'd like to have the opportunity to spend more time with me.

 

Oh come ON! Of COURSE you should go!! Why does everything have to be so goddarn heavy and serious?!? You're back on the dating scene. It's SUPPOSED to be light and fun and exciting! Go, have a great time skiing, have fabulous sex, and merrily wave goodbye when you leave to go home! This one's a no-brainer!

[norajane]

Oh come ON! Of COURSE you should go!! Why does everything have to be so goddarn heavy and serious?!?

 

That's why I think she shouldn't go. I don't think she can just go and have a fun weekend fling and leave it at that. It will be serious for her.

[Zapbasket]

Just what I feared, lol--opposing advice from two LSers whose perceptions I respect! I see both your points. Norajane, the thing is is that right now, and probably for the next little while, I don't *know* what the "right" thing is for me, relationship-wise. Things are in such flux emotionally and situationally for me right now that I don't think I'm ready to begin something serious. On the same token, I'm really not built for the fling thing as I find that in a different way it ends up taking just as much emotionally as getting into something serious, so my take has always been, just go for something that you think could become serious. It's just that right now I don't even know my own feelings! I mean, what does it *mean* that I'm so, so drawn to this guy, even while I see things in him that raise major red flags for me? He's very smart, for one, and I know that's one reason for the attraction--I never experience anything more than a passing quiver of attraction for not-so-smart guys because I get bored. After our major lip-lock, my hormones were raging...and when we were in my office it was I who blurted out, "Oh for heaven's sake will you just f*ck me already!" (This is the first time I've had sex since the last time I had sex with my ex, on December 2, 2006. Yes, I keep a mental calendar of these things, lol.) But even last night, in our phone conversation, I enjoyed it so much even while I continued to pick up on red flags in his conversational style (he's a touch self-absorbed, for one. But totally decent, overall a good person, I think.).

 

It's just like right now in my life I'm searching for something, and I don't know what it is. I feel very adrift even while I feel very directed, as in very DETERMINED to grow from this very sad experience. I'm looking for challenge, adventure, wits and interactions and experiences against which to sharpen myself into a stronger, wiser, more self-knowledgeable human being. I feel simultaneously like "anything goes" and also very self-protective.

 

Openbook, you're speaking the language of this more reckless part of me that's cropped up with a vengeance lately. I've been trying to gratify this part through skiing. The snowy mountains have become my breakup and each time I ski over them--each time a little better skier--I feel this incredible euphoric rush and my soul is screaming, "I'm going to be okay! I'm going to be okay!" I feel like the skiing is getting tangled up in my thoughts surrounding this guy and maybe it's clouding my judgment? I mean, you say that I can theoretically just go out there, have a total blast, and then ride off into the sunset with no repercussions. But what if after that weekend he wants something more? What if, say, he then wants to come visit me in NYC? After staying in his ski resort condo and benefiting from his ski expertise and other generosities for a weekend, how can I just turn around and say, "You know, I just don't think this can go any further"? I'd feel awful doing that, especially if I did that after having forseen that this is how I'd probably feel--that there's no future for us for the simple reason that he's not ultimately what I'm looking for, even while he has qualities that I certainly respect and admire.

 

I'm just so frustrated that I feel so much desire to jump this guy's bones over and over and that at the same time in the midst of all these options that have descended upon me, I've alighted on THIS ONE as the best so far!!!!! I'm not good at situations like this.

[Zapbasket]

That's why I think she shouldn't go. I don't think she can just go and have a fun weekend fling and leave it at that. It will be serious for her.

 

Oh, you have struck a chord . Maybe that's something I should change and maybe this is an opportunity to challenge myself to just go with it, not worry about the impact, and just enjoy the moments as they unfold and who cares if I already know he's not the one for me. I've already looked into flight fares and schedules and lift ticket prices .

[underpants]

Oh Greencove,

 

Well, one ...hey, you got some sex.

 

Two, now you are thinking....

 

All understandable and weird and confusing.

 

I don't know what to tell you, except ...flip a coin maybe.

 

If you do go ...go to have fun. If you chose not to go, make that decision the right one for you.

 

Life is long and short at the same time and you can go in circles trying to map the right course.

 

Do what feels in your gut to be the right thing for you.

[sunshinegirl]

I mean, what does it *mean* that I'm so, so drawn to this guy, even while I see things in him that raise major red flags for me?

 

It could be any number of things. First thing that came to mind is maybe you see him as "safe"? Meaning, you already see the red flags, you know he's unavailable (geographically at least) and has some immaturities etc, and being a smart woman you therefore KNOW you won't let it go very far. In a weird way then, maybe that makes it feel less risky to let your emotions go wild with him.

 

This is only a theory, but I wonder if you met someone who really was available and into you and who you *could* be into... it would force you to really really get over your ex, and maybe cause a new round of mourning and coming-to-grips... and maybe you (at some level) would shy away from that, protect your feelings, not let yourself fall for the new guy?

 

I have no idea. Just a thought.

[OpenBook]

Openbook, you're speaking the language of this more reckless part of me that's cropped up with a vengeance lately. I've been trying to gratify this part through skiing. The snowy mountains have become my breakup and each time I ski over them--each time a little better skier--I feel this incredible euphoric rush and my soul is screaming, "I'm going to be okay! I'm going to be okay!"

 

Of COURSE you're going to be OK! You've just been thru one of the most painful experiences life has to offer. And guess what? You are STILL a fabulous skiier. And a kind, sensitive soul. Nobody can take that away from you. EVER! You are enough. You are fabulous!!

 

I feel like the skiing is getting tangled up in my thoughts surrounding this guy and maybe it's clouding my judgment? I mean, you say that I can theoretically just go out there, have a total blast, and then ride off into the sunset with no repercussions. But what if after that weekend he wants something more? What if, say, he then wants to come visit me in NYC? After staying in his ski resort condo and benefiting from his ski expertise and other generosities for a weekend, how can I just turn around and say, "You know, I just don't think this can go any further"? I'd feel awful doing that, especially if I did that after having forseen that this is how I'd probably feel--that there's no future for us for the simple reason that he's not ultimately what I'm looking for, even while he has qualities that I certainly respect and admire.

 

You are not bound in blood to this guy. You don't owe him a damn thing. He has expressed a desire to bask in your company. He has also expressed that he's not really looking for anything either. So what is the moral issue with spending some time with him?? Spending time with someone and enjoying their company does NOT produce any obligation to each other. You don't have to "define" the relationship, or where it's going. Just enjoy it in the NOW.

 

I'm just so frustrated that I feel so much desire to jump this guy's bones over and over and that at the same time in the midst of all these options that have descended upon me, I've alighted on THIS ONE as the best so far!!!!! I'm not good at situations like this.

 

Honey, you're sitting in the catbird seat. Do you think skiing in Colorado with a hot man is going to cause all the SG's in NY to all drop dead when you get back?? HELL NO! Work it girlfriend!! Life is to be enjoyed!!

[tinke]

G.C.

 

glad to hear you're enjoying life!

 

be careful not to start analyzing this invitation and/or sabotage an opportunity to travel and have some fun for a wknd.

 

why not just go and see what develops, if anything? you are young, single, and you enjoy his company, so why not just go with it...STOP thinking so hard about this.

if it doesn't feel right...leave!

 

honestly, due to your vulnerability from the way your ex broke up, i would guess it would be natural to find red flags with all men...in the beginning.

you do not owe him anything, it is an invite. and....he is sparking your interest!

 

try to think of it as a wknd away, traveling somewhere to have some FUN.

 

unless of course, you do not feel safe....then i would put much more thought into it.

but, if that isn't the case...don't read sooooo much into it.

 

as we know, life takes us on some unplanned detours...explore.

if it isn't right....you are not signing on for a commitment.

 

the one thing you had emphasized that you've learned post break-up, is not to over-analyze things....but rather go with it....then later, if need be, you can always weigh things out. but right now, it seems a little too soon to put your guard up...relax..enjoy his company.

 

your heart will tell you what to do...follow your instincts!

 

good luck to you whatever you decide!

[Zapbasket]

It could be any number of things. First thing that came to mind is maybe you see him as "safe"? Meaning, you already see the red flags, you know he's unavailable (geographically at least) and has some immaturities etc, and being a smart woman you therefore KNOW you won't let it go very far. In a weird way then, maybe that makes it feel less risky to let your emotions go wild with him.

 

This is only a theory, but I wonder if you met someone who really was available and into you and who you *could* be into... it would force you to really really get over your ex, and maybe cause a new round of mourning and coming-to-grips... and maybe you (at some level) would shy away from that, protect your feelings, not let yourself fall for the new guy?

 

I have no idea. Just a thought.

 

Hi SunshineGirl,

 

Yes, that's one thing I fear. I guess it's not even so much my not trusting the other person, but myself right now. As it is I've spent so much time this past year questioning whether there was some maladaptive psychological thing in me at work that got in the way of my previous relationship's success and especially I question whether it's due to just ME that we spent so much of our relationship long distance. I'm afraid that maybe I'm not capable of intimacy, that maybe I have too many defenses up even while I FEEL overall like a very trusting, open person.

 

And yes, even while I"ve come a long way in accepting that the relationship is over, if I'm honest deep in my heart I still love my ex and perhaps I'm not yet available for accepting and giving new love. Every interaction with a viable man I've had, I find myself both consciously and unconsciously comparing the man with my ex...and afterward I always end up missing my ex a little, even while simultaneously, in the case of this new guy, I feel inspired, aroused, excited.

[Zapbasket]

Of COURSE you're going to be OK! You've just been thru one of the most painful experiences life has to offer. And guess what? You are STILL a fabulous skiier. And a kind, sensitive soul. Nobody can take that away from you. EVER! You are enough. You are fabulous!!

 

Oh, thank you, OpenBook! Your words make me feel really good.

 

You are not bound in blood to this guy. You don't owe him a damn thing. He has expressed a desire to bask in your company. He has also expressed that he's not really looking for anything either. So what is the moral issue with spending some time with him?? Spending time with someone and enjoying their company does NOT produce any obligation to each other. You don't have to "define" the relationship, or where it's going. Just enjoy it in the NOW.

 

I don't disagree with you, but I don't fully understand. I mean, when people confide to each other what they want out of life and a partner, etc., and then they make known an attraction--physical and more-than--to you, don't you have SOME obligation to be sensitive to their feelings? I mean, obviously my going to Colorado doesn't obligate me to continue associating with him afterward if I don't want to, but doesn't my coming there imply that I'm drawn to him in more than just a "fling" way?

 

Honey, you're sitting in the catbird seat. Do you think skiing in Colorado with a hot man is going to cause all the SG's in NY to all drop dead when you get back?? HELL NO! Work it girlfriend!! Life is to be enjoyed!!

 

Good point and thanks .

[Zapbasket]

be careful not to start analyzing this invitation and/or sabotage an opportunity to travel and have some fun for a wknd.

 

why not just go and see what develops, if anything? you are young, single, and you enjoy his company, so why not just go with it...STOP thinking so hard about this.

if it doesn't feel right...leave!

 

That's the thing: it *doesn't* feel right. Unless this man unfolds a whole array of new, wonderful facets that I could not have foreseen, I already know that he is not It for me. At the same time, I really enjoy his company, I'm drawn to him, I enjoy kissing/touching him and being kissed/touched by him.

 

And now I'm afraid I've already sabotaged the opportunity to go out to visit him. I really acted like a skittish panther when we spoke on Tuesday, because I had all these conflicting emotions/impulses going on in me all at the same time. I fear I may have made things complicated when for him it's just a visit. It's just that he's not like your typical guy in that he's very touchy-feely and so in a way HE complicated things by asking what we were going to do about our situation--our situation that isn't very practical but yet at the same time we're mutually drawn to each other, in his words. I'm finding myself in an insecure moment, fearing I scared him off and he's just decided to leave it alone.

 

honestly, due to your vulnerability from the way your ex broke up, i would guess it would be natural to find red flags with all men...in the beginning.

you do not owe him anything, it is an invite. and....he is sparking your interest!

 

Gosh, you're probably right. I've got some definite trust issues right now. I don't know who I can trust now because I trusted my ex more than I ever trusted anyone and look how that turned out. And I don't trust myself, because I still have this subtle but nagging fear that maybe I'm damaged goods and that's why my last relationship ended so badly, with me deserving to be so coldly and completely banished. I'm not aware of these trust issues until someone presents themselves as a possible object of trust, like this guy.

 

try to think of it as a wknd away, traveling somewhere to have some FUN.

 

unless of course, you do not feel safe....then i would put much more thought into it.

but, if that isn't the case...don't read sooooo much into it.

 

as we know, life takes us on some unplanned detours...explore.

if it isn't right....you are not signing on for a commitment.

 

the one thing you had emphasized that you've learned post break-up, is not to over-analyze things....but rather go with it....then later, if need be, you can always weigh things out. but right now, it seems a little too soon to put your guard up...relax..enjoy his company.

 

your heart will tell you what to do...follow your instincts!

 

good luck to you whatever you decide!

 

Yes, Tinke, I did promise myself to check my tendency to overanalyze. I'm just so afraid of making a mistake, and winding up never finding anyone to marry, never having a family...I'm SO AFRAID because at one time I had all of that, and it was all taken away and I fear that was the best I'll ever have. But maybe this is a worthy small risk, going to Colorado, and I can have fun and practice trusting in the company of a very interesting and charming man.

 

And how are you doing, Tinke? How are things with you? Hope you are doing well??

[norajane]

That's the thing: it *doesn't* feel right. Unless this man unfolds a whole array of new, wonderful facets that I could not have foreseen, I already know that he is not It for me. At the same time, I really enjoy his company, I'm drawn to him, I enjoy kissing/touching him and being kissed/touched by him.

 

And now I'm afraid I've already sabotaged the opportunity to go out to visit him. I really acted like a skittish panther when we spoke on Tuesday, because I had all these conflicting emotions/impulses going on in me all at the same time. I fear I may have made things complicated when for him it's just a visit. It's just that he's not like your typical guy in that he's very touchy-feely and so in a way HE complicated things by asking what we were going to do about our situation--our situation that isn't very practical but yet at the same time we're mutually drawn to each other, in his words. I'm finding myself in an insecure moment, fearing I scared him off and he's just decided to leave it alone.

I'm so afraid that you're going to go on this visit, and then come back and be all, er, obsessive about him and thinking that you are starting a love relationship, when, really, he may be thinking fun sexy fling. You know, like, the guy might enjoy having a woman fly in every now and then for some no-strings nookie...

 

I could be wrong - I know nothing about this guy and your interactions. Nor do I think there's anything wrong with no-strings nookie. I just fear that you wouldn't be able NOT to get more deeply engaged with him. You're pretty vulnerable right now...

[Leikela]

Greencove,

 

That is great you've met a man that makes you feel alive! But like you said, you know he's not "the one" for you. From my experience, you're right about an older man like him never married. That screams commitment phobic!!

 

Also, you've mentioned in the past that your family life wasn't the greatest and that's what you loved so much about your ex's family. This is going to sound strange but perhaps you're already familiar with psychology. (I'm in the psychology field.)

 

Usually when one parent of the opposite sex lets you down as a child, you seek that kind of relationship in a mate. Hence people dating/being attracted to people much older than them. They are inadvertently seeking that relationship that they missed out on with their parent.

 

I'm not saying this is you, but could it be a possibility? I'm just going by what I've picked up on by reading your posts. Since I know nothing about your past, it's just a stab in the dark.

 

I also feel that the other poster is right too. This man is "safe". "Unavailable" so to speak. You're right too though when you say you're not ready for a serious relationship. You still have more growing/healing to do but this man is a great distraction. I say have fun with it but cautiously.

 

Best of luck to you. It is quite evident that you're making progress.

[tinke]

greencove....

 

as i see this, you've answered your own dilemna......."IT DOESN'T FEEL RIGHT".

knowing this, it may be best then to leave it alone.

 

he's awakened your senses, i would imagine that is a gift in itself.......

now go and use that awakening on someone you are more suited for.

 

at least now you do know that feeling, that there CAN be life and excitement after your ex. naturally, you would gravitate towards those good feelings. but..if it doesn't seem right and you are already feeling uneasy/uncertain about him and his intentions, etc...

follow your instincts. there are plenty other men out there, and i am sure you WILL experience those good feelings again!

 

take good care!

[Zapbasket]

God. Just when I feel like I'm finally truly making progress and that agonizing dull ache of pain that was like a constant companion through 2007 is subsiding, the ache comes back. Forgive me, I'm having a moment here...I know it will pass but it's hurting really badly just now. I have a date this afternoon; I feel down and don't feel like going and I just need to get this out of my system.

 

I saw that my ex attended a meetup event last night with "+ one guest." Immediately I thought "girl" because recently he deleted his membership in two singles meetups. I know I shouldn't keeep tabs like this but partly I do it so as to avoid showing up at the same meetup. And I know that it's easy to take scraps of info on the internet and weave it into all kinds of things; it could be that his sister came to town to visit and they went to this event. Who knows, and I know: WHO CARES. I can't wait until I get to the point where I truly stop caring.

 

But for now, I can't help it; it hurts. Just the thought that he was at a meetup with a new girlfriend while I was meanwhile at another meetup that was a total bore socially, hurts. That pain rose in my chest and at 2am I had to go out and get cigarettes (the way I've tried to palliate the pain this past year) and I ran into a friend who lives in my building, told him what was going on after he noted I looked really sad, and he told me that from the sound of it my ex was a "pussy," an "*******," and he was never happy with me and never loved me. He said, "I'm sorry, but a man who has that much trouble saying what he wants is a pussy."

 

I find myself agreeing with my friend.

 

Still, when will this hurt subside? I'm about to go out and have myself a productive afternoon and get all good-spirited up for my date and make it fun and tomorrow I'm going skiing. But I can't help feeling: if he's such an ******* and I'm this wonderful woman that people keep telling me I am, why has my ex already been able to go out and find a girl he's comfortable enough with to say, "Hey, want to stop by this meetup event tonight?" and I've not found anyone except this Unavailable Colorado-ian that remotely sparks my interest and am still alone?

 

'Cause right now, I DON'T wish my ex well. I want him to feel lonely and unhappy. I know it's small of me, and in a bigger place I do wish him a good life...but I just once want to see him not alway have it so easy. I want to be the one who has so many GOOD dates to be with; I want to be the one swept off my feet so that I'm so carried away in the thrill and joy that I don't give a rat's a*s what my ex is doing. Why is he having it so good while I'm still trying to find my way?

 

Okay, onward. Thanks for listening. I feel better knowing I confided this burst of pain and bereftness and confusion to someone.

[sunshinegirl]

He said, "I'm sorry, but a man who has that much trouble saying what he wants is a pussy."

 

I find myself agreeing with my friend.

 

GOOD. Take this and find your inner "I got screwed over!" beeyotch! Get PISSED at him! When you find your anger, and remind yourself over and over and over and over and over again of all the crap, stupid, insensitive stuff he did (HOWEVER small), you will have some insulation from, and protection against, the wistfulness of "how come he's found happiness and I haven't?" feelings.

 

Because eventually you will get to a place of thinking: "Ewww...let her have him! I am so glad I don't have to deal with that pussy anymore!"

[Zapbasket]

I'm going. The ticket is booked, my manager has approved my vacation time, and I'm both excited and apprehensive. I know that overall I'm going to have a really good time.

 

Any advice about the protocol for things like this? I mean, so we slept together, ONCE, and hung out for two evenings and one hour at an airport. We know there's a complete lack of practicality in this whole get-up, but I think we both are anticipating a fun time. I did sense a little apprehension in his voice when I told him I'd gotten the vacation time, but he did turn around and immediately book the ticket on his points.

 

Like, the first evening, when he picks me up at the airport and we go back to his house, should I be totally cool with sleeping in his bed? Should I sleep on the couch? Or should I just be open to whatever happens and know that as long as I'm having fun, anything goes?

 

I'm glad I'm doing this. It really makes me feel excited, like I have something to look forward to, something that breaks me out of this steel architecture of hurt and disappointment in which I've been imprisoned this past year. I'm doing really well overall.

 

But I still feel the pain. Today in the bathroom at work I just suddenly felt this pang and I closed myself into a stall and cried a little. There's no way to articulate how you felt in relation to someone, felt a lot of love there, and then this outcome and how it still has the capacity to shock even a year later.

 

I have a long way to go before I can fall in love again, this I know. But I do feel that the key to healing is to just leap out there and keep taking risks. Hence this trip to Colorado. I really believe that sometimes people are just dropped into our lives without our least expecting it and even though they may not be "good" for us in all the ways we're looking for, being open to whatever may happen with them can teach us really important things about ourselves in addition to giving us poignant memories that we can enjoy reminiscing about years down the line. Such is my hope for this trip. And hell, if it goes really badly and he turns out to be a jerk, I'll be at one of the country's top ski resorts and will have a great time regardless!

[tinke]

good for you greencove!

 

i do understand what you mean with the overwhelming fits of sadness that still arises a year later. but...i also know we have both made huge strides!

 

go and just see where the adventure takes you....be spontaneous! no plans!

you really don't know for sure that he may not be "good" for you...maybe.

anyway, you found someone who enjoys your passion to ski....so enjoy.

 

nice to have something to look forward to, huh?

take care...keep us posted