I've made my decision-- needed!

[Zapbasket]

good for you greencove!

 

i do understand what you mean with the overwhelming fits of sadness that still arises a year later. but...i also know we have both made huge strides!

 

go and just see where the adventure takes you....be spontaneous! no plans!

you really don't know for sure that he may not be "good" for you...maybe.

anyway, you found someone who enjoys your passion to ski....so enjoy.

 

nice to have something to look forward to, huh?

take care...keep us posted

 

Hi there Tinke,

 

Yes, that's exactly what it's all about: something to look forward to, something that shakes things up a little. You were right when you said a few posts ago that as it is it's already a gift that he awakened my senses. He pulled a strand of life out of me that has been lying dormant because I've been so down. It's wonderful when you're just going about your business and someone comes along who can do that...even if nothing "more" develops.

 

As for knowing for sure that he's not good for me...well, I had a hefty dose of instinct kick in almost immediately. I do think it says something when an attractive, charming, intelligent and successful man has never been married by the time he's 49. Also, there's NO WAY I'm doing the long distance thing. But my hope is that he'll continue to be "good" for me in the way he's already been, and at the least, you're right, he shares my passion for skiing. But all the while there are little red flags popping up that tell me he's not capable of that kind of warm, solid intimacy I really want in a long-term relationship. I think he's going to play a big role, though, in readying me for that kind of relationship with someone else, with the right person.

 

And the anticipation of all the sex just has me in a tizzy! I even went out and bought more cute little panties, not for him but for ME, because I feel so good wearing them. And before I go I'm going to get a pedicure (never have had one before).

 

Funny that amidst this feeling of release and euphoria and anticipation comes these gusts of grief. I miss my ex so much, still, every day. I think of him so much, even as I try hard not to. I guess in the end there is some solace in recognizing in yourself the capacity to genuinely love someone, as I clearly truly loved my ex very, very much...otherwise the "switch" would have flipped off by now. Knowing that my mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical "love faucets" do indeed work gives me a feeling of confidence even while I feel so very rejected and bereft.

[tinke]

you are doing the right thing by allowing yourself to just "go with it"...for yourself!

 

this is giving you the incentive to MOVE, that can't be a bad thing.

 

understand about missing the ex...but...look how far you've come!

give yourself credit for taking the plunge.

and yes, you are right..he may not be best suited for a serious romance, but, he can be a companion, if nothing else. it is at the very least adding some excitement to your life, and guiding you out of a funk!

 

try to look at the trip as purely FUN!

take care

[sunshinegirl]

Did you go on the ski trip? How was it??

 

Thought you might enjoy this post:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=1538207&postcount=438

[Zapbasket]

Hi Sunshinegirl--

Thanks for bringing that piece o' sunshine into my day! I needed it.

 

Haven't yet left for the ski trip; it's Tuesday and I am very excited! This man may not be right for me for the long term, but our e-mail and phone conversations the past several weeks confirm that we definitely will be able to enjoy each other's company--in the sack, on the slopes, and all the spaces in between

 

I've decided that a fling needn't be meaningless and uncaring. I don't think I ever understood that before. I need a release, and one that's not just sexual, but a release of the heart, as well. I'm going to be as loving as comes naturally to me and just allow myself to enjoy this person to the fullest, and enjoy each day to the fullest.

 

I most definitely plan to let you folks on LS know how it went when I return.

 

And funny, I've been crying a lot about my ex, missing him, the past week. But the nature of the crying is changing. It's release and no longer just remorse.

 

Thanks again for the dose of positive thoughts

[tinke]

oh g-r-e-e-n-c-o-v-e-, where are you????

 

 

update us on your adventurous ski trip.

[tinke]

ok greencove, unless i've missed your post, we haven't heard from you since your ski trip.

 

give us an update....how was it?

how are you doing?

 

hmmmmm.

[Zapbasket]

:bunny:Hi Tinke (and others on LS who may still read this long, old thread),

 

I had to hold off on the update because I just didn't know what to say. Sorry to leave you hanging

 

So, I went, and I had a really wonderful time. I was surprised to find that this person with whom I spent the week actually stoked some real feelings in me. Seemingly I stoked some feelings in him, as well, as he told me he'd like me to move out there and be with him. Of course I take that with a grain of salt, since it's just too early to tell...but we really did enjoy one another's company. He asked me one cuddley morning, "Do you think you could love someone like me?" And I said, truthfully, "Yes."

 

We've been e-mailing and talking on the phone a lot, and getting to know each other more. He invited me back and I'm going in about two weeks, and once spring arrives, he's going to come visit me in NYC. I don't know what will come of this, if anything, and the excitement of not knowing, and enjoying this new person, is wonderful soul-balm. I feel very ready to make a lot of changes in my life; I feel like whatever is transpiring with this person is uncongealing me from all the pain I've felt this past year-plus, and it's freeing up energy to enable me to take a leap.

 

But I also feel afraid. I'm afraid of becoming attached in spite of myself, and rejected AGAIN. I've found myself moved by all that's happening in the present and it's provoked a lot of feelings about my breakup and my ex and I've found myself mourning and crying about it, feeling angry and bereft all at once. I find myself wishing that my ex would contact me, and then at the same time I feel like, he's never going to contact me, face it. And I don't know which is true, really.

 

Just like I don't know what will happen with this man, if anything. If nothing more were to happen, I think I will be able to say that this served as a major catalyst to my being able to truly move on. I feel ready to start a new life, perhaps.

 

And at the same time, I'm terrified. I don't know what's going to happen...in any area of my life. I feel like in 6 months I might be in an entirely different situation of life than I am now, and that both excites and scares me. I know that if I wind up making such a series of drastic changes, it will produce quite a bit of pain at the same time, because each bold move will mean a firmer goodbye to my ex, to the time of my life during which he was an integral part, and to the possibility of a any future reconciliation with him.

 

So you can see why I hesitated writing. I have a lot of uncertainties, and a lot of conflicting feelings! I guess the one clear silver lining is that I"m beginning to feel the beginnings of my heart healing...even though I can never forget the pain I went through this past year.

 

Tinke, how are you doing? Please give me an update, as well.

[tinke]

glad you had a great time and made it home safely.

 

as i was reading your post, it struck me that....to allow yourself to enjoy this new person fully means letting go of the past. that to hold up those red flags somehow keeps the hope of the ex returning, the fantasy alive. and then i read your words which pretty much validated this.

 

well...STOP! you are entitled to happiness, excitement, and just plain ole fun in your life.

it may not be with the person you had wished, but give this a chance without the sabotage.

 

chances are vey great that IF the ex ever did reappear, you may not have those same old feelings for him in person.

 

i do understand, it still feels surreal to me. but, try to just have fun. remember your words that in the future you would try to enjoy the moment without analyzing things, etc.

i'm excited for you for your new awakenings.

 

i am sure we share the same feelings re: the ex, it is still quite painful. but, i do celebrate that i continue to survive it. the worst still...was the way in which it ended.

 

i am doing so much better than previous, still stings tho.

 

more later

take care and .......RELAX!

[Leikela]

Greencove,

 

Thanks for the update! That is wonderful that you had such a great time.

 

As for your feelings, they are completely normal. You are beginning to heal and beginning to ACCEPT the end of your relationship. This is progress even though it may not seem that way. A break up with such magnitude is literally like a death so you're going through all the normal grieving processes. Sometimes we need an outside influence to push us to that final stage.

 

I wish the very best for you. No matter who you end up with or where your life is going, you will be ok. Here's a little tip that I always live by. When you feel like you cannot take anymore and are about to break, you are a step away from success. You're almost there Greencove. Almost there!

[tinke]

hello G.C., hope you are doing well.

 

i have many more days of peace than earlier, but still some uneasy times as well.

i do feel much stronger and feel as though i am moving out of that dormant stage.

 

as you, the most difficult part was the departure...that is the sting which lingers.

but even that is lessening to a degree.

 

quite honestly, i very well believe that by some wild occurance, he did re-enter my life, i know i could not trust him..the dynamics have wildly changed. so, this is what helps to keep me real. he certainly displayed poor character and very low respect for me, i keep this in mind. but overall, i am doing much better! thanks!

 

so glad you are enjoying your new friend and share common interests, that has got to be a mood lifter! i'm sure it must feel very good to just enjoy yourself. yes, part of opening that door, means the realization of closing off the past...or the start of it.

 

but, you have waited some time now with no response from the ex, so, if it feels right...hope you continue to enjoy your new company. hope it continues to awaken you.

 

just wanted to check in....

take care

[tinke]

greencove come back...in need of your support!

having a few tough days!

[Zapbasket]

Hi Tinke,

 

I've been away most weekends lately and just got the chance to check the thread today. I'm sorry you're having some tough days--it does come in waves, doesn't it, even now? To be treated with such disrespect leaves a stubborn mark on the psyche.

 

Lately I had cause to gain a new perspective, somewhat, on how my ex handled the breakup. I've been feeling really frustrated with my job and got to a point where I told my manager in no uncertain terms that I feel exploited, frustrated, and need better support to be able to get my job done or need to redefine my role. I felt certain that I was going to quit more or less right away and I was GLAD. "Good riddance," I thought to myself.

 

And then, as I stayed late one evening to clean up loose ends, I thought back over this job, and began to ask myself just what it was, exactly, that was frustrating me so much...because a job at ANY company is always going to have its pain-in-the-a*s aspects. I certainly do have valid reasons for leaving, I realized, but I also realized that if I was going to go out, I was going to go out with class. I was going to go out having truly done all I could, having reached peak frustration, to work with what is in front of me and try to turn at least some things around. After all, I thought, it's THAT quality that really makes an employee valuable, not a skill set, per se, not experience--it's the capacity to say, "Things are not going well so how can I work to make them better?"

 

Probably I am going to leave this job in the coming months. But at least when I do leave, I'll not have just reacted to the built up frustration; I'll have moved past that to a true evaluation of the good and bad and what I want and when I leave I won't feel a need to blame, denigrate, or, for that matter, apologize. I'll have decided it's the RIGHT THING to do and in the haven of that conviction, I will be able to be compassionate and charitable towards those to whom I'll have to deliver the news that I'm leaving. There will be no need for contempt.

 

The point of this is that what I chose to do in relation to my job is exactly what our exes chose NOT to do in their relationships with us. If my ex had truly sorted through the good and bad, he wouldn't have had to blame me for everything, and he wouldn't have had to leave me with such a nasty e-mail and he would have been able to face me to have the closing conversation, in a fair, open, and compassionate way. Moreover, he would have been able to address his frustrations with me BEFORE cutting off the relationship forever. Same with your ex.

 

Being in the position to cut something off (my job), I realized that the model set by my ex in making An Ending is a lousy model, lacking in true strength and integrity. Ultimately, it's integrity that I wannt in a partner. I deserve nothing less and so do you.

 

I hope this helps a little, at least! We can only grow from this. You said something really wise many pages back, about how the doubt and burden of having been the one to end it doesn't lie with us, and that it's perhaps a good thing (for us). I would never be able to feel good knowing I ended something of such duration the way my ex ended our relationship or your ex ended yours--even if ending it was the best thing to do (perhaps it was, from their perspective--but if they really had thought it out judiciously and with compassion and integrity, they'd have not left in such an abrupt and dismissive huff), the WAY of ending it would gnaw at my conscience for a long time. And the thing is, I WOULDN'T end something the way they did--not even a job and certainly not a committed relationship with someone I'd ever once loved. I highly doubt that you would ever behave as your ex did, either. We have the reward of knowing, as time continues to pass, that we SURVIVED and PREVAILED over a terrible hurt! This, truly, if a form of liberation, don't you think?

 

Chin up, Tinke! I'm here if you want to "talk"! Here's a bouquet of bunnies: :bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny:

[tinke]

thanks G.C., i appreciate your kind words and insight. i just feel we had gone through a very similar situationa at aprrox. the same time, so you do understand where i am at in all this.

 

yes, many times i do say to myself, he lacks respect, integrity, and sensitivity...not good!

and i truly do feel a sense of relief that he is the one who broke off this long relationship, it is not on me. however, the way it was done was painful and cowardly. and still, there are days/wknds. it haunts me. overalll, i am much, much better, still feels surreal at times.

just needed someone who knows to lend a listening ear...thanks.

 

i am very excited for you and your new release. do be proud that you are out there...DOING! i do believe we both deserve better, as you've said, how can anyone dismiss someone as they did...unfeeling. i can feel myself moving away, but as you, i feel that sting of his coldness. i do believe that the new relationship started out on "tainted" grounds, not a good start, i would think.

 

anyhow, we will make it through this. just think, in the early days, we were writing non-stop, what a wealth of support. do you recall those physical symptoms? lack of sleep? we have made great strides. i need an opportunity to vent every now and then, and to be heard. thanks!

 

take great care

enjoy!

bunnies back to you......if only i knew how!

[Zapbasket]

Could use some perspective from those wiser than I am

 

I traveled to Colorado again to visit my new...friend. Not sure what to call him, because he is in need of some name and I'm not quite ready to say "boyfriend" or "partner" and he's more than a fling, certainly.

 

We enjoy each other's company a lot. But I'm confused, too, because the whole thing has taken me by surprise. To begin with, he wants me to move there. He proposed that to me the last time I visited, and admitted on this visit that after he did so, he "freaked out" for a few days, as he couldn't believe he proposed such a thing to someone he's known for as short a time as he's known me. This time he assured me repeatedly that he's quite serious, that he knows what he wants and he wants me to move there and live with him with a view towards getting married and lasting for the long haul. He said he respects me and feels that I am his true equal, and that he hasn't always felt that with other women with whom he'd been in relationships. He said he always swore he'd never settle, and he feels with me, for the first time, he'd not be settling. He's told all his friends about me and I know this for certain because one of his friends is a work contact and he hinted that he knows all about us.

 

When he talks and in all his actions, he comes off as very sincere. I'm usually very good at reading people's BS.

 

So...that leaves me with sorting through my own efforts towards sincerity and my own BS, if there is any in this case. How do you know when you're ready to take a risk like the one I'd be taking if I moved out to Colorado? I'll only move if it makes sense for the totality of the direction I want my life to go in, not just for him. And I wouldn't move in with him; rather, I'd rent my own place until he proposed, if he did.

 

But I still mourn my ex, and as the possibility of something with this new man becomes an ever more real possibility, I feel pulled in two directions--one towards wishing my ex would contact me now because if he doesn't soon it'll be too late...and another towards being incredibly excited and curious about this new prospect.

 

And re: the second direction, I also feel this fear, that he's 18 years older than me and it wasn't at all what I envisioned. I'm afraid maybe I'm moving too fast, or not thinking clearly, or something. It's all taken me by surprise, all the way back to my initial reaction when I first met him: I was immediately drawn to him. It's like I just suddenly woke up. And everything that has transpired since then has corroborated that initial impression, seemingly on both sides. The other day he called me his girlfriend. I have told him that I am indeed very into him, but I've also been very forthright about my reservations, with the exception of those that concern myself--my reservations born out of still mourning my ex and yet also being very excited about this new guy and confusion about my life direction, etc.

 

I just could use some perspective. How do I go about sorting through something like this. New Guy is coming to visit me for the first time in a few weeks. I'm very excited but also apprehensive because this is fast becoming serious and it's coinciding with me being ready to make a lot of changes (job, geographic, etc.) in the coming months and I just don't know, basically, what's what. ANy reactions, wise words, pointed questions from you all that would help me get my bearings would be a great help

 

Otherwise, things are going well and overall I feel much stronger. It's true, what you all said, it DOES get better, but it's still all very disappointing...and I'd be lying if I said I no longer wished my ex would make meaningful contact.

[OpenBook]

I'm glad to hear he's coming to see you, for once (instead of you going there). That was my first reaction when I read he wants you to move out there. Possible red flag that he hasn't come to see you! But he is, so good.

 

IMO, it's too soon for you to even make a decision about moving out there to be with him, although it's sweet that he wants you to!!

 

I think you should do whatever is right for YOU. Put yourself and your career FIRST... regardless of what he says or does. If it's the real thing, he'll wait for you.

 

It's just too soon in the relationship for you to put him first... on anything.

[Zapbasket]

Hi, OpenBook. Thanks. It's good to be reminded that at this early stage, we don't really owe each other anything. The only reason I went ahead adn explored this liaison is because, beyond feeling a very strong mutual attraction mentally, physically, emotionally, etc., it so happens that right now I'm wide open in terms of being ready and needing to forge a whole new life direction. I'm really nearing the point where I've outgrown my job, I've grown increasingly committed to a range of outdoor sports and feel it makes sense to live in a place and in such a way where I can do them on a regular basis without having to wake up weekend mornings at 3am to catch a 4.5-hour-one-way bus ride to the mountains. In short, my life calls for a change and this guy happens to be in the picture while I'm in the process of making preparations to effect the change. It would make perfect sense in many respects to up and move out to Colorado a tthis time in my life.

 

What do yo mean, that if he didn't come here to visit it would be a big red flag? That he's not willing to participate in MY life and just wants me to serve as accompaniment to his, like a piece of furniture? What signs should I look for while he's here, if any? So far he's followed through in every respect on what he's said he's going to do.

 

Good point too about him having to be willing to wait. It WILL be a big move for me, if I do it, and he'll have to respect that. So far it seems he does; he doesn't pressure me in any way.

[OpenBook]

What do yo mean, that if he didn't come here to visit it would be a big red flag? That he's not willing to participate in MY life and just wants me to serve as accompaniment to his, like a piece of furniture?

 

Because everything you do in the beginning of a romantic relationship sets the tone for the rest of it. HE should be doing most of the work in the beginning, not you. HE should be initiating the phone calls, text messages, emails, disrupting his life and making all the travel plans in order to come see YOU... because YOU'RE WORTH IT. I cannot tell you why it works better this way. I just know that it does. It is the nature of men.

 

And the reverse is ugly. If you do all the work from the very beginning, he will start expecting it from you all the time... and you'll end up with a lazy guy who seldom lifts a finger for you and doesn't show you affection.

 

And that exact same lazy guy will happily step up to the plate for another woman who comes along and expects him to WORK for it before she'll give him any chance at all.

 

What signs should I look for while he's here, if any? So far he's followed through in every respect on what he's said he's going to do.

 

The only specific thing I can think of is, Does he initiate plans for activities, or does he expect you to arrange everything? Other than that, just listen to what he says, and watch what he does. Don't "test" him or anything!! (that's too much effort!!) but just listen and observe. Trust your gut. And remember, this is just a visit. Keep your attitude light and casual.

 

Good point too about him having to be willing to wait. It WILL be a big move for me, if I do it, and he'll have to respect that. So far it seems he does; he doesn't pressure me in any way.

 

Wellllll...... I'm not so sure about that! He has already asked you to move out there, hasn't he? That's pressure. And IMO it's premature pressure. He's asking a lot of you!! and so early in the game... It's sweet, but I would be cautious. You really don't know him that well, and certainly not for very long.

 

Have fun!! But guard your heart, and keep it light and fun. The way dating should be!!

[Leikela]

Greencove,

 

When you are facing such a major life changing decision, this is the time to look back and rediscover what brought you to this point in your life.

 

I have gone back through some of your old postings. Perhaps reading these again will bring things back into perspective for you:

 

You said this about your EX moving here for you:

I know why he wants nothing to do with me. Moving thousands of miles away from your family, regardless of whether its through the same company and your company is paying for it, to be with your partner is a HUGE leap of faith and he's the one who took the leap of faith, not me. He moved all the way here and all his expectations surrounded our relationship, since that's the only reason he moved here. He was very vulnerable when he came here--didn't know anyone (only a handful of people from grad school and from his homecity) and didn't really know the city (though he'd worked here one summer during grad school). So when that didn't pan out according to his expectations, breaking off with me was nothing less than an act of survival. He had to build a life here from scratch, and when he realized it was going to be too hard to do it with me, he banished me so that he could focus on building a life here and get comfortable in a space where everything was unknown and unfamiliar.

 

The following are sections pulled from posts in regards to your current man:

Also, he's never been married and I'm sorry if I sound judgmental but in my view, when a man is accomplished, charming, good looking, materially successful, etc., if he's not found a way to ever finding someone to marry I see it as a red flag that the guy has intimacy issues or some other big-time hang-up. I even asked him why he had never married, and he admitted, "I was an idiot." He elaborated that he foreclosed on relationships that could probably have made it longer term.

 

But even last night, in our phone conversation, I enjoyed it so much even while I continued to pick up on red flags in his conversational style (he's a touch self-absorbed, for one. But totally decent, overall a good person, I think.).

 

That's the thing: it *doesn't* feel right. Unless this man unfolds a whole array of new, wonderful facets that I could not have foreseen, I already know that he is not It for me. At the same time, I really enjoy his company, I'm drawn to him, I enjoy kissing/touching him and being kissed/touched by him.

 

So I ask you this: What has changed that you now feel he is worth uprooting your whole life and moving out to Colorado? What would you do if your EX contacted you right now and wanted to try and patch things up?

[sunshinegirl]

It's a red flag to me that he's already brought marriage up. How long have you known him? How many times have you visited him? How much cumulative time have you spent with him?

 

IMO, a lot could go wrong if you rush things; it's hard to see what would go wrong if you slowed things down. Don't let his excitement dictate the pace.

 

That being said, I'm glad you've met someone that you like so much!

[sb129]

Greencove, it sounds like you have moved on alot since I last checked on your thread.

 

Its nice that you have found someone who has given you such a confidence boost!

 

I would exercise caution about moving though- Colorado to NYC is a loooong way, and as your ex demonstrated, its really difficult to uproot yourself and completely transplant your life somewhere else.

If its for someone you don't know that well yet, then I think there are potential problems in that.

 

I did it, and to be honest, I wish I never did. Even though ultimately the decision led me to my fiance, moving to a town where the only person I knew was my exBF was HARD, and caused alot of resentment within our R which contributed to its demise.

 

NYC is such a great place- surely in a city of 9million people you can't find someone a little closer to home?

 

Sorry this all sounds so negative- I just don't want you to get hurt or to find yourself in a situation that is the reverse of your last one.

[Zapbasket]

Thanks for the input, everyone.

 

Sunshinegirl, what do you mean that it's a red flag that he's already brought up marriage? Certainly it's a little faster for my taste, but honestly if he didn't say anything about that I'd not get involved with this man (I really don't want to do another LDR).

 

I ask because I wonder if you'd still think it a red flag if I told you this: the first time I visited, when on the last night he told me he would love it if I moved there (this coming out of my admission that I don't really enjoy living in NYC), I asked him, "Well, what do you mean you want me to move here? What's your fantasy around that?" And that's when he said, in great embarrassment, that his fantasy is that I"d come here and we'd end up getting married. So in a way I solicited the mention of marriage. Still a red flag?

 

I ask because it takes me by surprise, as well, as I usually move more slowly. It's just in this case, the whole situation isn't very practical and now I'm in this place where I didn't just close it off after ou rinitial weekend fling, and now I'm kind-of involved here, and I'm very curious to see what happens while also unwilling to move just for the sake of finding out--I'd only move to CO if holistically it makes sense for me to be there.

 

SB129:

I just don't want you to get hurt or to find yourself in a situation that is the reverse of your last one.

 

I appreciate all you have to say. Funny, I've been wondering myself whether one of the draws to this situation for me is that it IS the "reverse" of the situation with my ex. It enables me to be in his shoes to some extent (my ex's shoes). On some level, if I moved there I'd prove to myself that I have the courage to take that kind of leap of faith. Of course, there are other levels motivating me and I'm not entirely sure this is one of them. But your bringing it up makes me feel like I should explore the possibility that it IS subtly motivating my choices.

 

I know you love NYC! And it is a great city. But I've lived here 7 hears already before this year and when I left in 2001 it was for good, I thought. I was worn out by NYC. And in anticipation of this New Guy coming in a few weeks, I'm cleaning up the disaster area that my apartment is (reflecting my state of mind and my ambivalence about being here), and looking head-on at the way I've been living is throwing in my face the truth: that I'm not at all happy here. I just find the place too much, too hard to make meaningful connections (though sure, you meet people all the time, but rarely does anything come of it)...and I'm happiest when I'm in a vehicle pointing AWAY from Manhattan. I think I need to pahy attention and leave here. But then, the other day I cried in a cab because I thought how great this city could be if you are sharing it with a SO. The alienation that the city creates would be meliorated with an SO, and probably then it would really feel to me like a great place. But as it turns out, the only person in all the dating I did November-February that captured my interest happened not to be from here. That can't be helped...can't it?

[Zapbasket]

Okay, Leikela, I had to get to your quesiton to me in a separate reply. This is a toughie.

 

Greencove,

 

When you are facing such a major life changing decision, this is the time to look back and rediscover what brought you to this point in your life.

 

I have gone back through some of your old postings. Perhaps reading these again will bring things back into perspective for you:

 

You said this about your EX moving here for you:

I know why he wants nothing to do with me. Moving thousands of miles away from your family, regardless of whether its through the same company and your company is paying for it, to be with your partner is a HUGE leap of faith and he's the one who took the leap of faith, not me. He moved all the way here and all his expectations surrounded our relationship, since that's the only reason he moved here. He was very vulnerable when he came here--didn't know anyone (only a handful of people from grad school and from his homecity) and didn't really know the city (though he'd worked here one summer during grad school). So when that didn't pan out according to his expectations, breaking off with me was nothing less than an act of survival. He had to build a life here from scratch, and when he realized it was going to be too hard to do it with me, he banished me so that he could focus on building a life here and get comfortable in a space where everything was unknown and unfamiliar.

 

I think in general what I say here is absolutely true. But now that more time has passed, really I'm no longer sure that he really moved here "for me." It could be that I was a catalyst for his putting some aspects of his life behind him and starting fresh, the move for him being, at core, not so much about moving forward WITH ME as moving AWAY from other things in his life. Just as in the same way with this New Guy I'm not sure just how much of my attraction is based on my sense of the real viability of a healthy, long-term relationship with this man and how much is based on my desire to start afresh and my need for an outside impetus to keep me from exercising my default response to hardships, i.e., "to stick it out." This is why if I DID move to Colorado, I'd not move in with him but get my own place, because it may be that I get there and find I don't feel towards this man what I thought I did.

 

I also feel a little less charitable towards my ex in some respects: yes, it IS tough to relocate...but he had it pretty easy: his company paid every cent of his moving expenses; he didn't have to worry about a whole new job with a whole new company; he'd been making a 6-figure salary several years before mooving and was getting paid just under 6 figures with the company that paid for him to move; plus he sold his apartment in his homecity and that got him about 175k after the mortgage was taken out. He rode here on a pretty soft cushion, I think.

 

And yet (sorry for the flip-flopping), I feel simultaneously that regardless, emotionally for my ex this WAS a huge deal as he always so afraid of risk and uncertainty and this was his first big leap. FOR HIM this was truly a big leap and his financial and job security doesn't negate that fact. So yes, I think I was right in what I said, that he had a lot riding on things working smoothly with me and when they got rough he just had to break it off because his inner resources to deal were so diminished.

 

Which takes me back to why I'm trying to be cautious with this New Guy. I'm aware that moving and actually being there could suddenly and drastically change the nice dynamic we have going so far. I could get there and discover, to my horror, that I no longer have "use' fo rhim, even though I'm not at all consciously using him--I'm genuinely attracted to him. Which takes me to the red flags I was talking about. (next post)

[Zapbasket]

 

The following are sections pulled from posts in regards to your current man:

Also, he's never been married and I'm sorry if I sound judgmental but in my view, when a man is accomplished, charming, good looking, materially successful, etc., if he's not found a way to ever finding someone to marry I see it as a red flag that the guy has intimacy issues or some other big-time hang-up. I even asked him why he had never married, and he admitted, "I was an idiot." He elaborated that he foreclosed on relationships that could probably have made it longer term.

 

But even last night, in our phone conversation, I enjoyed it so much even while I continued to pick up on red flags in his conversational style (he's a touch self-absorbed, for one. But totally decent, overall a good person, I think.).

 

That's the thing: it *doesn't* feel right. Unless this man unfolds a whole array of new, wonderful facets that I could not have foreseen, I already know that he is not It for me. At the same time, I really enjoy his company, I'm drawn to him, I enjoy kissing/touching him and being kissed/touched by him.

 

So I ask you this: What has changed that you now feel he is worth uprooting your whole life and moving out to Colorado? What would you do if your EX contacted you right now and wanted to try and patch things up?

 

Thanks for asking such incisive questions, Leikela--it's a big help. What has changed... Well, I still feel uneasy about the 49-and-not-married thing. And I've been really up front with him about it. He said that all through his 30s, he would get into relationships that he knew from the get-go weren't for the long haul. I asked him why he wasted his time and these women's time approaching things that way and he said, "It all goes back to those 4 little words: 'I. Was. An. Idiot. You're smarter than I was in my 30s about these things. I was immature."

 

He then explained that in his early 40s he WAS in a relationship he thought was for the long haul, but that woman left him and married someone else a year later, saying "I love you I'm not in love with you." He was crushed, and then immediately after had a series of misfortunes that led to him not even dating for 2 years (he told me these misfortunes and it all adds up).

 

After he so forthrightly told me all this stuff, I felt bad for picking on him so relentlessly about being 49 and unmarried. I concluded that it was a combination of personal choices AND the unexpected "**** happens." Other people I've spoken to about it have said it's not unheard of for a man to finally reach a certain age (one older than many) and just finally know what he wants and be ready for marriage.

 

Re: the self-absorption.... Well, he admits that he's not by nature given to modesty and humility, and he's not. But he's not a narcissist that I can tell, and he's been very attentive to me so far, in every respect. Also, as he's seen the evidence of MY interest in him, the self-absorption manifestations have lessened; I think they were a defense.

 

RE: my statement that it "doesn't feel right." I don't know any longer HOW it feels. This man keeps surprising me, and then I find myself surprised by my attraction to him. (though he IS very attractive, if shorter than what I usually am drawn to--he's my height...which, again surprise!, has this wonderful benefit if my being able to borrow his rollerblades while I was out visiting and we went to the park when we weren't skiing, and his ski gloves when it turned out it was colder on the mtn than we'd anticipated, and his ski poles when he discovered what cheap heavy pieces of junk my poles are. This is a shallow example, but there are all kinds of related ways I find myself surprised by him.

 

I just don't know, and I guess I'll have to let circumstances decide whether I'm going to find out. Meaning, I'll begin my jobhunt and if nothing turns up in his city, and something better turns up elsewhere, then I'll go elsewhere and foreclose on this one. But of course, I type that knowing that as more feelings get involved that would be difficult to do. Each visit, each interaction gives me data and perhaps as time passes it will give me the clarity I need to make a good decision.

 

Re: your last question, if my ex initiated contact and wnated to get back together....that's easy. If he came to me with that sincere and honest purpose, yes, I would let New Guy go and take him back and it really would be a no-brainer. After 6 or more more months with New Guy, that would be a more difficult thing to do...and I may not be able to do it (or want to). But I can't forsee that far right now; too many unknowns. But yes, I still want my ex back. That's why this is all so scary. If I leave here, I am truly closing that door, to enter a whole bevy of unknowns. It's terrifying, and is causing me more than a few tears...the flip-side to the excitement I'm feeling at the same time!

[sunshinegirl]

Sunshinegirl, what do you mean that it's a red flag that he's already brought up marriage? Certainly it's a little faster for my taste, but honestly if he didn't say anything about that I'd not get involved with this man (I really don't want to do another LDR).

 

I ask because I wonder if you'd still think it a red flag if I told you this: the first time I visited, when on the last night he told me he would love it if I moved there (this coming out of my admission that I don't really enjoy living in NYC), I asked him, "Well, what do you mean you want me to move here? What's your fantasy around that?" And that's when he said, in great embarrassment, that his fantasy is that I"d come here and we'd end up getting married. So in a way I solicited the mention of marriage. Still a red flag?

 

It's not a red flag to learn someone is marriage-minded early on. It is a red flag if they are talking about marrying YOU early on. How can he possibly know that so soon when you have spent, what, one weekend together in Colorado, and how much time together in New York? That kind of commitment talk so early would make me run the other way because it's based on a hormonal, honeymoon-stage, fantasy-based evaluation. I don't mean that in a judgmental way, but the "love goggles" thing is starting to be documented scientifically. People are literally "high" during the early stages of relationships - lust, infatuation, whatever you want to call it, isn't deep love based on an objective evaluation of the other person.

 

I would also run from a guy talking marriage this early because I had that very experience with the ex that brought me to this board. We were talking long-term commitment three months into the relationship, and in retrospect that was a big mistake. We were totally putting the cart before the horse, and it seems that the same thing may be happening in your situation. (IMO, it's still a red flag if you solicited the comment...others may disagree.)

 

Now, that being said, a close friend of mine met someone in Feb '06 and a month or so later, they were already talking about marriage. I was wildly skeptical at the time, but a year after they met, they were engaged. Married in November, they are now expecting their first baby. So they seem to be an exception. HOWEVER, in my friend's case there was never an ounce of doubt in her mind about him, or their pace, or anything. They knew what they wanted, they saw it in each other, and boom. So, perhaps they are the exception that proves the rule?

 

I don't know. I'm not seeing the same level of certainty in your posts, which just says to me that slowing this thing down so you can think clearly about it all would probably be a good thing.

[sunshinegirl]

Re: your last question, if my ex initiated contact and wnated to get back together....that's easy. If he came to me with that sincere and honest purpose, yes, I would let New Guy go and take him back and it really would be a no-brainer. After 6 or more more months with New Guy, that would be a more difficult thing to do...and I may not be able to do it (or want to). But I can't forsee that far right now; too many unknowns. But yes, I still want my ex back. That's why this is all so scary. If I leave here, I am truly closing that door, to enter a whole bevy of unknowns. It's terrifying, and is causing me more than a few tears...the flip-side to the excitement I'm feeling at the same time!

 

I just read this: all the more reason to slow things down with New Guy! You're not over the old guy yet!