I've made my decision-- needed!

[Zapbasket]

I haven't felt this way in a while...but today when I woke up I felt really sad.

 

I miss him.

 

I found myself thinking how things would have been different if he'd moved here now--with me in my own apartment, successful at my job, with my thesis behind me, etc. I'd have had much more to give to make sure he was comfy and secure in his new environment. I know it does no good to dwell on couldof, shouldofs, but I feel like I wish he'd give me, and us, another chance. I wish I could open my e-mail and find a message from him, or hear my phone ring and see his number on the display. It's true, I haven't given up hope that I'll hear from him one day...even though I have given up living day to day on a diet of that hope, if that makes sense. I feel afraid I'll be in for a cruel reality check when I hear, a year from now, that he's moved from NYC back to his homecity, or to London, or San Francisco...and know that he felt no need to make one last contact with me.

 

I dunno, just feel very sad. I won't contact him...but I wish he'd contact me.

[4whatItsWorth]

I won't contact him...but I wish he'd contact me.

 

Good. He ain't worth it.

[Virgo1982]

Good. He ain't worth it.

 

You can say that again.

 

You're welcome GC.

 

I wish the best for you. You are showing progress whether you know it or not. If you miss him, but do not wish to contact him, that is excellent! Soon you will miss him less and less. I sure hope he never calls you again unless he's done a complete 180-which is highly unlikely.

 

He will still be the same guy who left you hanging the first time and you deserve better.

 

Keep fighting!

 

Virgo

[Zapbasket]

Thanks, Virgo and FWIW. What is it in all I've written about him that makes you both convinced he's "not worth it"? Does he sound to you like not that great of a guy? If so, I wish I saw it that way.

 

I'm feeling really strange, and kind-of bad. Maybe I'm just emotionally exhausted, I don't know. I've been doing so well--I just accepted a promotion at work; basically I went up not one, but two levels...not that I'm focused on levels but the work is a lot more independent and allows for a lot more creativity and initiative, which is important to me.

 

BUT: in all other respects, I feel pretty down. I miss him so much, and I still feel moments of disbelief...anguish...horror that things ended between us in the way they did. I find it difficult to imagine that he's moved on and his life is so much better without me in it, and yet I realize that if he felt even a tenth of what I've been feeling, surely he'd have ventured to contact me by now. Even if he did contact me, it wouldn't be a panacea; it would create a whole other set of difficulties and what's worse it could all not work out and then leave me in an even worse state of pain. But at least I could feel, if he contacted me, like I MATTERED to him.

 

Last night I went out on my third date with this guy and we had several drinks and made out heavily in a bar and outside on the sidewalk. He's a nice guy and I enjoyed making out but I already know he's just not what I'm looking for. I tell myself I should just enjoy some casual dating for the next several months--casual dating is a first for me--but overall I feel like I'm really not interested in anything but the real deal. And I'm afraid I'm not going to find that again. In my heart, still, my ex is the real deal. I mean, my ex is so superior to this guy it hurts. With him, I just felt that click, that being on the same wavelength intellectually and in terms of background and values. We argued about our differences but as time goes by I realize that really a lot of our so-called differences were similarities in disguise. I've always been someone who learns about a thing by exploring it's supposed opposite...because sometimes the thing designated as "opposite" is in fact much more similar to the thing you're trying to understand than the things designated as "similar." As my friend who knows us both always said about my ex and me, "Each of you has something the other needs." It was true.

 

I find myself wondering how he's thinking of the relationship now that almost a year has passed since its demise. Has he just written it off as a "bad relationship"? Does he still have feelings for me? I've been trying to keep forcing myself to move on by telling myself that he doesn't care about me and never did, because it's easier to just focus on the outward actions at this point rather than psychologize into the fuzzy realms of what could be going on in his mind, in all those thoughts and feelings he so rarely shares with anyone. Although maybe he does now; maybe he just didn't want to share with me.

 

Next to this guy from last night, my ex is WAY more communicative. I also have the feeling that this guy really isn't interested in anything I have to say, even though he keeps saying I'm the "coolest person he's met in a long time" and he "really likes me." I feel like he is just drawn to me because I carry myself well and he finds me physically attractive. My ex and I, by contrast, always had great conversations when we weren't talking about emotional stuff. But it was the great conversations that always kept up my interest in him. I was never, ever bored with him, and I never felt he was bored with me.

 

I just want him back! I received a call night before last at 9:30--around the time he always used to call me when we were LD--from a "Restricted" number. Immediately my imagination sparked up and I thought, "Could it be him?" I didn't pick up; I never do with "Restricted" calls. But I so wish I could open up my phone and see his number on my screen, or open my e-mail and receive a "Hi, how are you, could we meet up" note. What would it take for him to do that? I still can't understand why he felt he had to cut me out of his life so completely, why he felt he had to end the relationship at all. I've come up with all sorts of explanations, but none fit. "He just didn't want to be with me anymore" sounds so cold and I have a hard time believing anybody could really be that pat about it. That's akin to just having a toy you don't want to play with anymore.

 

Just wanted to vent, I guess. I wish I didn't feel this cloud of sadness even in the midst of very definite "moving on" moments. I miss him, I miss him, I miss him

[Zapbasket]

I don't know what compelled me to do this.... I'd done it many times many months ago and found nothing....

 

I went to match.com, where I have a profile I created but never filled out way back in February in response to my heartbreak over his cold e-mail telling me to get lost. I searched for profiles under his zip code and where before I'd always found nothing, now he has a profile up. The profile is pretty lame but still classy in that he doesn't brag or give cliched lists like so many profiles do. He'd visited it in the past 24 hours.

 

So I guess this is just another piece of concrete evidence that he's moved on completely, doesn't care, and will never contact me and probably doesn't have any good memories of me. There will be no friendly meeting, no holiday e-mail or phone call, nothing. Ever. I get it.

 

But...how do you kill hope? How--and this is worse--do you stop caring and loving? How do you negate the meaning of a large portion of your life so that you can really move on?

 

For what it's worth, I created a profile, too...and though I thought I'd sworn off online dating as not my cup of tea (I really feel I have better things to do with my time), I paid for 6 months. So I guess not I'm bound to solicit and accept dates, even if just as a game to remind myself date by date that the time I had with my ex is OVER and there's no going back.

 

I wish, seeing how lame his profile is, seeing his picture with the cockiest grin ever and with some woman cut out whose height, etc. I don't recognize as one of his friends, or the girlfriend or wife of one of his friends so who knows who she is, would make me lost respect for him, but ironically it doesn't. He says he's looking for a partner who is sophiscated, down to earth, intelligent, and fun...and I was ALL those things and more. It hurts unimaginably. I feel like such a fool for being so hurt by this, for feeling in such a state of confusion about the whole thing--the definite departure, executed so coldly!

 

I could use some support....

[tinke]

hey greencove, don't be so hard on yourself..hugs!

 

so what is the worst that can happen? ok, so you were curious...he needn't know any more.

 

glad to hear you are moving on with dating, i would guess awkward is a good description, but..progress! good for you!

g.c., just a check....if you are going to create a profile (dating), please be careful not to do it so he can check on it, or know you are dating......it could add to the pain!

 

i know it is very difficult to turn feelings off, i have not mastered this. but....reality tells me something else. listen to your head. if it truly is meant to be..it will! but do try to live! (whew, i had to take some of this in!)

 

i am surviving, overall, doing better...much, i would say.

i still have those down times with triggered memories. had a dream of him lately, that hasn't happened in quite sometime. i think for me, as well as you, it's that cold departure, the cruel way to VANISH that is very hard to swallow. it is that which stays with me.

 

i have successfully fought the urge to make contact when i am down. truthfully, i am always grateful, later.

 

sad, these men may not be at all what we remember, we change.

i think that is part of the difficulty dealing with the abandonment....they just left!

we didn't get that wind-down phase. so, we are inclined to hold "sweet" thoughts of them. probably, isn't so. well, mostly likely not. the one time i had the very brief opportunity to talk to mine, after the break-up, he was someone very different from the person i knew just months ago. if i had a little more of those "uncool" moments, maybe i would hold onto those.

 

anyhow, we both have come quite the distance. NEVER, would i want to go back to square one. remembering those days, marks my progress made..as i am confident, yours also.

 

hang in there. keep us posted on your dates!

take good care

[hidee79]

GreenCove - I feel a lot of sympathy for you.

 

You are driving yourself crazy to eat crumbs that he absent-mindedly throws on the floor. Please don't fool yourself by saying that you love him - how can you love anyone if you don't love yourself first?

 

Your entire thread smacks of obsessiveness, neediness, clinginess. Real love doesn't come with that baggage. Real love comes from a stable, solid place within you. The "love" you describe is very ego-based...and the ego is very volatile, because it needs approval, validation, and stroking from others.

 

Obviously, his life is perfectly fulfilled without you - and you've taken that very personally. Could it be possible that you're just not his cup of tea - and that's totally ok? It doesn't mean you're any less of a person. You need to learn to separate your self-worth from what he says/does.

 

If you love yourself, you have the ability to say, "it sucks that he doesn't want me, and I may feel rejected...but that doesn't mean I am rejected. Rejection is just a feeling, just an energy...like a thunderstorm. I am the sky, always beautiful, always calm."

 

Hey, everyone has been insecure and fearful. You now have a marvelous opportunity to develop yourself into an authentically secure and self-loving person. In fact, you should thank this man for not wanting you! Now you have motivation to become stronger, motivation you may not have had otherwise. What a gift this man has given you!

 

I recommend you read any book by Byron Katie.

[Zapbasket]

Hidee,

 

I think it's a bit much to say I don't have real love for him. Yes, I've taken this breakup very hard, and I'm not proud of it, and wish I felt differently. But I have to grieve, and be honest about the disappointment and insecurities the whole situation lit up in me, otherwise I can't heal...and while the progress is slow, I AM healing. I don't think my venting my feelings on an online forum can smack of clinginess or obsessiveness or neediness since I'm not pulling at him--rather I'm dealing with the fact that I was nowhere near ready to end our relationship and my attachment to him was very deep and strong. My ego IS bruised, for sure--his parting words were very harsh, and he blamed me for everything, and that those were his last words before he slammed the door forever is a tough pill to swallow. His words haunt me to this day.

 

I definitely didn't experience his Match profile as "crumbs" but rather more like a glass shard that I'd rather not have encountered. But, in the absence of answers from him, some true understanding of what happened to make him end the relationship just a couple of months after moving out here to be with me, I guess these things have to serve as the answers I seek.

 

I know that the love I gave in the relationship did come from a stable, solid place in me. But as this was my first serious relationship, maybe my expectations were unrealistic--and so, I think, were his.

 

What troubles me most is that before this I WAS a secure and self-loving person, and now I feel very vulnerable and lost. Mostly that's owing to the fact that I have had to reinvent my plans for the near future, and I've had trouble figuring out what direction I want to go in. This breakup has kindof squashed me, and I feel at a loss for how to get my power back. I'm trusting that if I take one day at a time, it will return. Or so I'm hoping.

 

I guess I just always felt that we were meant to be in each other's lives. Seeing that not pan out to be the case is rather jarring, not to mention deeply disappointing. Hopefully time will heal this....

 

Anyway, I appreciate your thoughts.

[Zapbasket]

hey greencove, don't be so hard on yourself..hugs!

 

so what is the worst that can happen? ok, so you were curious...he needn't know any more.

 

I was lucky, actually! Turns out I won't show up on "who viewed my profile" because my old profile is not filled out. Phew! You're right it wouldn't have been the end of the world, but I'd rather there be silence from both sides if he is never to indicate a desire to communicate with me.

 

glad to hear you are moving on with dating, i would guess awkward is a good description, but..progress! good for you!

g.c., just a check....if you are going to create a profile (dating), please be careful not to do it so he can check on it, or know you are dating......it could add to the pain!

 

Ugh. Online dating really is not for me. But I think going on dates and maybe having a good time and MAYBE even meeting someone who really intrigues me can only be a good thing. A friend of mine is big on online dating as she feels going on regular dates is necessary for social health, like exercise for physical health. I could see some truth in that, but I don't want to get my expectations up. It's a nice way to meet some interesting people and improve myself in the dating department, as well as to just keep possibilities open. Have you gone on any dates yet? If so, how did you find the experience? (Exhilarating, I hope?)

 

i know it is very difficult to turn feelings off, i have not mastered this. but....reality tells me something else. listen to your head. if it truly is meant to be..it will! but do try to live! (whew, i had to take some of this in!)

 

Yes, it's sooooo hard to turn feelings off, isn't it? And to re-route expectations and plans. I really don't know how to address this. I asked the therapist I've been seeing, and all she said was, "Sometimes love dies very hard...and sometimes not at all."

 

I read a book on love a while ago, that claimed that our romantic relationships are developmental milestones and that we all have to go through multiple serious relationships to finally arrive at a level of development conducive to sustaining a healthy, long-term and equal partnership. I'm not sure I agree with this, but to the extent it's true, I feel like maybe one reason I'm having such trouble letting go is that I feel I haven't mastered the "lessons" presented to me within the relationship. He inspired me to examine a lot of things about myself, and I'd been making a lot of adjustments (that I wanted to make anyway, but the relationship served as a kind of catalyst), and I haven't finished! So I think in part I'm holding on to the relationship as a way to artifically provide myself with the familiar conditions in which to complete this work on myself. I don't know.... It's proving awfully hard to let go and I'm so tired of not feeling like myself

 

i am surviving, overall, doing better...much, i would say.

i still have those down times with triggered memories. had a dream of him lately, that hasn't happened in quite sometime. i think for me, as well as you, it's that cold departure, the cruel way to VANISH that is very hard to swallow. it is that which stays with me.

 

I read your comment on another thread that you see a real difference in your healing from the 6-month to the 8-month mark. I'm glad you're doing so much better. And yes, I identify with it being the cold departure, and the absolute FINALITY and ABSOLUTENESS of it, and the VANISHING, that makes the wound still smart. And also, as I said to Hidee, the cold words at the end. It makes me sad that something that was so long-term and at core so loving could end on such a dark note, with no possibility of working it through.

 

i have successfully fought the urge to make contact when i am down. truthfully, i am always grateful, later.

 

Did you feel better after writing that final note to him a month or so ago? Or do you now wish you hadn't? I had this temptation to send a holiday card to his parents; I'd thought about doing it this time of year many months ago...but now that the time has come, I'm not going to do it. If he really is actively out dating, to write his parents might come off as a kind of intrusion, and to his parents, as glad as they might be to receive a kind note of remembrance from me, they might also feel burdened--they'd feel they should write back but then they wouldn't want to do so out of respect for their son's position. It's very hard for me not to have the chance to tell them how fond I was of them, and how grateful I was for their many kindnesses. But I know that from here on out, for the forseeable future at least, the best course is silence. It's purely selfish: I can't risk anything that could cause more anguish. If I wrote his parents and they didn't write back, or wrote a lukewarm response, even though I'd understand why it would hurt and disappoint me all the same.

 

sad, these men may not be at all what we remember, we change.

i think that is part of the difficulty dealing with the abandonment....they just left!

we didn't get that wind-down phase. so, we are inclined to hold "sweet" thoughts of them. probably, isn't so. well, mostly likely not. the one time i had the very brief opportunity to talk to mine, after the break-up, he was someone very different from the person i knew just months ago. if i had a little more of those "uncool" moments, maybe i would hold onto those.

 

Soooo true! I know that all the circumstances in place at the breakup, and the people we both were at that time a year ago, are shells merely; he's moved on and changed and so have I--owing to the passage of time and much-changed circumstances for both of us. I think it would be quite a shock to see or talk to him now, as the bond is decidedly broken (I still felt some lingering bond when I called him back in September); we'd be interacting almost like strangers who knew too many uncomfortable secrets about each other. Still, even as I write that, it's hard to fully embrace the fact that the people we were a year ago, are gone--or buried, maybe.

 

anyhow, we both have come quite the distance. NEVER, would i want to go back to square one. remembering those days, marks my progress made..as i am confident, yours also.

 

I hear you. Though today definitely felt a bit like a return to square one. I cried a lot today, feeling remorse that things turned out the way they did and this person with whom I thought I'd be forever is now practically a stranger. I was pretty worried today, actually--and am worried; I shouldn't be getting so upset, still...or so it seems. All of 2007, while I've made a lot of advancements in my life, feels like it was swallowed up in the shock and grief of this whole breakup. I can't remember the last time I felt truly lighthearted, and today I began to fear that that feeling would never return! I hope time will heal and a year from now I can say that 2008 was the year of fully moving on and getting settled in my new life.

 

hang in there. keep us posted on your dates!

take good care

 

Thank you for your support, Tinke. It really meant a lot, especially today! I'm glad we're both healing and hope it continues steadily until we feel fully carefree again.

[tinke]

greencove, as you know, i do understand and share your journey in seeking some answers. again, i believe it is the most harmful thing when one leaves without a trace..particularly with a ltr.

 

i fully know now, that i will not receive those answers...i have to find my own sense of things. i know those words only too well, i have said them myself..i was broken!

the worst feeling is the emptiness of no communication, no contact, etc. , just gone!

but, i do feel myself moving on..and honestly, at times, feeling sorry for HIM.

why? because, he jumped directly into a very serious relationship immediately. no time to mend, etc. maybe it's just my way of thinking, but no matter what...there has to be some healing after a long relationship, i would believe. nonetheless, it's none of my business.

 

your experience just proves what many LS folks have said...don't go looking!

easier said than done at times, but the set-backs can be devastating.

 

it is true, this break up has forced me to re-evaluate my life. my plans have drastically changed, as i'm sure yours. it has taken me many, many months to prioritize my future, re-set my goals....but, i now see me without him...and, i'm going to be ok! as you, i had lost myself, and i am discovering me again. i've decided i want to live! i do not want to carry this grief any longer.

 

remember all your attributes, g.c. : intelligence, accomplishments, independence, warmth, a sense of values.......and so on.

you are still that same person.

 

just wanted you to know i'm thinking of you

take care

[tinke]

g.c.

just a quick reply....

 

as for the letter i sent..yes, i have no regrets sending it! even if he did not read it (highly likely), it was MY chance to share some thoughts/feelings. it was for ME, i felt i needed to express myself somehow since he just suddenly left.

huh? pride, shmide, who cares! i didn't think of his reactions, i thought of my healing.

 

g.c., sounds like a good idea not to send a note to his parents (for all the reasons you had mentioned). i am sure they know you appreciated them.

 

gotta run.....

keep working on you.....

hoping we are back to our old selves soon.

hang in there, remember, this is just a tough day....better ones are on the way!

 

 

p.s. dating? no, not yet...but, at least i am beginning to think of it...one day....hmmmm!

take good care of you.

[Zapbasket]

GreenCove - I feel a lot of sympathy for you.

 

You are driving yourself crazy to eat crumbs that he absent-mindedly throws on the floor. Please don't fool yourself by saying that you love him - how can you love anyone if you don't love yourself first?

 

Your entire thread smacks of obsessiveness, neediness, clinginess. Real love doesn't come with that baggage. Real love comes from a stable, solid place within you. The "love" you describe is very ego-based...and the ego is very volatile, because it needs approval, validation, and stroking from others.

 

Obviously, his life is perfectly fulfilled without you - and you've taken that very personally. Could it be possible that you're just not his cup of tea - and that's totally ok? It doesn't mean you're any less of a person. You need to learn to separate your self-worth from what he says/does.

 

If you love yourself, you have the ability to say, "it sucks that he doesn't want me, and I may feel rejected...but that doesn't mean I am rejected. Rejection is just a feeling, just an energy...like a thunderstorm. I am the sky, always beautiful, always calm."

 

Hey, everyone has been insecure and fearful. You now have a marvelous opportunity to develop yourself into an authentically secure and self-loving person. In fact, you should thank this man for not wanting you! Now you have motivation to become stronger, motivation you may not have had otherwise. What a gift this man has given you!

 

I recommend you read any book by Byron Katie.

 

Hidee,

 

I thought more about what you said. I guess it's hard to tell when you're just feeling grief over a significant loss and all the self-doubts and self-blame that naturally comes with it, or when your grief is accompanied by self-doubts that are much more deep-seated, that would exist whether you'd experienced this loss or not. It is a little hard to stomach his "not wanting me" or me "not being his cup of tea" when we were together for 5 years; after a certain amount of time in a relationship you, or at least I, come to trust that we KNOW the other is our cup of tea but we're just going through a spate of problems that inevitably arise in long-term relationships. Long distance puts a terrible strain on even the best-matched relationships. I know in the beginning of our relationship--the first 2 or 3 years--I had my doubts, but I resolved them in my mind for the most part and stayed with him because I KNEW I wanted to be with him, that he was my cup of tea. I suppose I trusted that he, too, was still there after all that time because he felt the same about me. I trusted this as well because he DID move to be with me and I trusted that if he was really having doubts about the relationship he'd not have moved. I took his move to be a huge gesture of committment.

 

It's also hard to accept that the short of it all is that he didn't want me, when even at the end he said he'd wanted to be with me forever.

 

I know objectively that whatever he thinks of me is inconsequential in terms of my worth as a person. But because this is my first serious relationship, and thus my first real relationship failure, it's hard not to doubt my self worth. What if I never find someone again that I love as wholly as I loved him? What if I'm a bad partner? These are some of the doubts I'm having, and I trust they will be resolved in time, not only through my own self-work while I'm still single, but also through being in other relationships where I feel a love as strong, and am better able to demonstrate that love because I'm more knowledgeable about myself and more mature.

 

It's true that what I look for in a relationship is the kind of safety and security that I never have felt with my own family. He, by contrast, has a very loving family and while they're not perfect, of course, he has the comfort of a basic sense of ease and belonging with his family that I do not have with mine. I don't really know how to resolve this lack in me, since it's true that family is very important to me and I do want to be a part of a loving family as I'd wanted so much to be a part of his and could not believe my incredible luck at having found someone with such a wonderful family, with parents I really clicked with and who seemed to feel a strong affection for me, and vice versa. Maybe I was looking for more out of the relationship than he needed to look for out of it with me. I don't know. I don't know how to resolve this, if so, for future relationships. I feel unfulfilled in my relationship with my family and so with any new partner I see the possibility for finding that fulfillment both through our relationship as well as through the families we're a part of and the family we create.

 

I guess I have to wonder, though, whether this is not part of what love is. We all have deep vulnerabilities, fears and hurts that are unresolved, and we bring those to our relationships and a really good relationship helps you to begin to resolve them if the issues aren't so great that they impede intimacy altogether. He certainly had his insecurities that he brought to the relationship--trust issues, etc.

 

I don't know why I am having such trouble getting past this. I'm doing all I can to try and the pain is still there even after all these months--almost 10 now. I liked the direction my life was headed in relationship with him, and the connection to his homecity that being with him entailed...and now I don't know what to do with that: do I change direction, or do I keep going in that direction, since it worked well for me, but solo? He's had a profound influence on my life and clearly he still does. It's hard to shake it off. I wish I knew how but I don't see a way except to harden my heart, and I don't want to do that.

 

I'll check out the author you mention. Thanks for your insights.

[Zapbasket]

greencove, as you know, i do understand and share your journey in seeking some answers. again, i believe it is the most harmful thing when one leaves without a trace..particularly with a ltr.

 

i fully know now, that i will not receive those answers...i have to find my own sense of things. i know those words only too well, i have said them myself..i was broken!

the worst feeling is the emptiness of no communication, no contact, etc. , just gone!

 

Yes, that's what continues to get me, too. I sometimes suddenly get stricken with a great wash of pain and what my mind says to me in that moment is, "He was such a part of your life, and now he's just gone! He just announced to you that it was over, and that was it and there was no chance to talk it through!" It hurts unimaginably, the absence, the sudden departure for which I was totally, utterly unprepared. God, I can barely begin to express how it feels...but I know you know.

 

I don't know if you feel this, but one thing also that gets me about the sudden exit and the finality of it is that it makes me feel, irrationally, that I did something awful in his eyes to have deserved such an exit. It's the knowledge that he CHOSE to leave, and made such a tremendous decision after seemingly NEVER making decisions in the relationship or saying what he wanted. It's like the unspoken words of his exit were, "You want to know what I want? Well, this is what I want." When what I'd meant, of course, in asking him all the time what he wanted was for him to say so while IN the relationship so that adjustments could be made where possible to make the relationship more fulfilling to him. I can't help feeling like I've been punished or condemned, even while I know that is irrational, and unproductive.

 

but, i do feel myself moving on..and honestly, at times, feeling sorry for HIM.

why? because, he jumped directly into a very serious relationship immediately. no time to mend, etc. maybe it's just my way of thinking, but no matter what...there has to be some healing after a long relationship, i would believe. nonetheless, it's none of my business.

 

Yes, I think he'll regret jumping into another relationship so quickly, or if not regret, then the feeling of unfulfillment will creep into this relationship, as well and he'll be off looking again. One thing I respect in my ex is that seemingly he DID take time to heal--I know for a fact that up until September, at least, he hadn't dated anyone. It makes it painful in a way because it makes his decision to leave me seem all the more well thought-out, since he obviously took the time to consider things rather than avoid doing so by diving into another relationship. Based on this and other things I know about how he's conducted himself in the past many months, I have a lot of respect for him as he's acted in accordance with the thoughtful person I always knew him to be. Of course, his handling things in this way decreases the likelihood, probably, of his ever reconsidering our relationship...or maybe it increases it...or really maybe I shouldn't be thinking this way! (Just gave myself a light slap on the wrist. Like I said, the hope dies very, very hard.) But in your ex's case, the non-thinking he's done will eventually catch up to him, and he may come to view your relationship very differently a long way into the future.

 

your experience just proves what many LS folks have said...don't go looking!

easier said than done at times, but the set-backs can be devastating.

 

I don't know. Maybe this was the cold splash of reality I needed. Since I can't kill the hope on my own, maybe it will take actually having to see him walking the street hand in hand with another girl for me to finally get it. What I'm banking on is that perhaps it will take ME walking down the street hand and hand with a new guy to realize that all is okay, no matter what the outcome. My hope also is that before that time I get closer to fully coming to terms with this whole thing, and to feeling okay within myself. I have come a long way, but I have a long way to go, this I know.

 

God, I just loved having him in my life. He opened my eyes to so many things. And you know what? I think I'm also having a hard time, and yearning for him, because as I said to Hidee he brought the stability to my life that I crave. When I imagine him all moved on, what hurts is thinking of him in his apartment in the most settled, most family-oriented neighborhood in Manhattan, with plenty of money in the bank and his family back home sending e-mails and pictures and he with a wide range of friends, a new girlfriend who is giving him the things I could not give him because we were long distance (waking up beside him EVERY morning, cooking dinner together, traveling together on weekends, hanging out regularly with his friends, etc.). And right now I can't help comparing myself to that, and seeing myself in a great neighborhood but a studio, with very little savings and a job that pays a third of what he makes, with only my frustrating relationship with my mother and having to start from scratch, it seems, with making good friends in this city and not having the money to go skiing regularly on weekends, etc. Sorry for going off on that; I was just responding in full to your point that it's agonizingly painful when your snooping brings you new information that is hard to absorb.

 

it is true, this break up has forced me to re-evaluate my life. my plans have drastically changed, as i'm sure yours. it has taken me many, many months to prioritize my future, re-set my goals....but, i now see me without him...and, i'm going to be ok! as you, i had lost myself, and i am discovering me again. i've decided i want to live! i do not want to carry this grief any longer.

 

Me neither! It's like carrying around a 200-lb block on your shoulders. I'm glad you're finding yourself whole again; it must feel like an incredible liberation!

 

remember all your attributes, g.c. : intelligence, accomplishments, ndependence, warmth, a sense of values.......and so on.

you are still that same person.

 

just wanted you to know i'm thinking of you

take care

 

Thanks . I feel like I've temporarily lost my sense of independence, and in its place is a terrible sense of aloneness. My values I question; maybe I have placed too much stock in the wrong values and need to make major adjustments. But I don't believe they're lost for good! Just trying to resurface, hopefully in an improved form. I hope you, too, hold on to your intrinsic self-worth as you build a new life for yourself, and I'm so glad we can share the journey!

[tinke]

greencove

first you may have placed too much stock in the wrong values? reality....you did what you did at the time for a reason, you made those choices because they were the priority at the time...don't second guess yourself now. you reacted to HIS actions, and made choices that were important. and by the way, how very lucky for you...can you imagine putting your life on hold for him, and then he leaves! none of us know what the future holds or why we decide what we do..it just feels right at the time, we listen to our instincts. surely, you believed (as i), that he would remain a constant, and surely there would be time to share "oneness". such isn't the case, there is a different road planned for us......try to have faith in this.

nothing i enjoy reading more than the stories of a new romance, an awakening, and that oh..now i know why feeling.

 

to keep sane, i have to believe there is a purpose in this..it is out of our hands..we are led elsewhere.

 

no, i did not believe i did something horribly wrong for him to leave. no doubt, i could have done things differently, and i would have, if he expressed his feelings of discontent.

i truly believed we would be together for the long haul, i believed our love could sustain the distance, other obligations, etc. but i realized, i was the only one commited in the relationship, understanding that things are not always rosey and simple.

 

 

doesn't make it easier, but if anything...it is never one-sided, or just one person's fault, i am sure you realize this.

it seems your values differed from his, also. as you had said, never would you treat someone so coldly, etc. you know, obviously, some can. i don't get it!

 

you miss him because he added balance to your life....i know.

but, there are many men who can contribute their sense of balance.

might i ask g.c.....in your heart, do you really believe there will never be any other?

i ask, because initially the pain was so great i couldn't imagine getting involved again, but as time passes, i am thinking how nice it would be just to have a companion again(to start). just someone to share thoughts with. in time, i can see me seeking this out.

it's one of those things missing in my life right now, just the ability to call, or grab a bite to eat at the last moment, etc. ohhhhhhh, and wknd. getaways!

i don't want to give up on those things...the simply joys.

 

so, he has decided he doesn't want me...ok, well i still want my life to continue. do you get what i am saying? i believe it will happen for the both of us in time if we allow it.

 

it is becoming easier to fight the urges to contact him, i distarct myself, or just grieve.

but, i believe it is senseless now, to put myself out there when he clearly avoids me.

and, hehe, in my good moments, i actually feel and say...HIS LOSS!

i am finding me again!

 

we do share a commonground, many similarities. the one thing i can tell you, mine was older and still had conflict-avoidance issues. i can honestly say now, that is the one thing i look forward to in a different relationship...how refreshing to hear a man actually express his thoughts/feelings/opinions, etc. do you feel this way?

 

anyway, continue to take good care

wishing you peace

[Virgo1982]

I know objectively that whatever he thinks of me is inconsequential in terms of my worth as a person. But because this is my first serious relationship, and thus my first real relationship failure, it's hard not to doubt my self worth.

 

You are going to stop using this twisted logic to evaluate yourself missy:mad:

 

It is this very thinking that kept you with him for five years.

 

You can turn that statement around to make more sense:

 

I know objectively that whatever he thinks of me is inconsequential in terms of my worth as a person. Because this is my first serious relationship, and thus my first real relationship failure, I have to realize that there might be many more failures until I find a man who's good enough for me.

[lovely81]

GreenCove, I had to reply because I've gone through such a similar situation over the last year. Our exes sound very alike. Mine was 7 years, abrupt departure and I felt he was left with his stable wonderful family, money in the bank, friends, all I had was Mom. But I haven't felt that way in awhile. I think you're doing all the right things and everyone moves at their own pace. Here's what made things move a little faster for me:

 

1) went on a diet

2) started taking a creative writing class

3) pursued new friendships

4) online dating

5) some good TV

6) No contact, no asking mutual friends about him, no stalking on the internet.

7) trying cooking.

8) Writing a journal

9) Talking to friends about it (but rotating them so no one got too overwhelmed.

 

I agree online dating led to a lot of Oh no, he's not like my ex, but you know it was an easy way to feel I was putting myself out there and just getting simple comforts, having a reason to leave the house and not think of him became paramount. Time definitely heals the most, but those things provided a good distraction. It's been a year now and sometimes I still get sad quite unexpectedly, but I just want to tell you you will reach a WONDERFUL point where you won't be looking at your life as broken because he's not in it. You'll be able focus on yourself and you won't be sorry that you now think of him in a negative or indifferent or maybe even just nonemotional way--you will be fine with what you have. (or as fine as a human being can be).

[Zapbasket]

Lovely81, thank you and I'm sorry about your breakup. I've done all the things you mention and I keep doing them, but the hurt remains. I just trust that it *will* lessen.

 

On January 18 of this year, his mother wrote to me that her son doesn't share his feelings with them and she tries to give him space and so doesn't ask, and so, she said, "I guess time will eventually reveal how he feels about the relationship." Back then, I was in shock, and I felt assured that since his departure made so little sense, surely he'd contact me once his anger and confusion wore off. That thought made things more bearable. But now, as the time keeps passing and still nothing, his mom's words hit me because they no longer suggest hope but rather finality. In this way the sudden and shocking departure is like a knife that keeps on stabbing, because what is becoming revealed is the extent of his intent that I play no part in his life from here on out.

 

You don't say what precipitated your relationship's end. Have you given up all hope for the two of you? I still have not. Not that I'm thinking it's likely, but I still feel a deep bond with him on some level--the kind of bond you'd only ever develop if it was, at one point, truly reciprocated. I can't describe it. That's why I feel so confused at times still. I keep feeling slapped in the face by his complete severing of any ties with me with seemingly no looking back, no second thoughts. And then I feel, still, connected to him and I wonder how he was able to sever his connection when I still felt it coming from him a year ago this time (this weekend one year ago was our last weekend together).

 

How do you cope with the questions you must have had when he abruptly left, the WHY?

 

I've had a rough week emotionally with this, because as I said last week I saw him on match.com and I started a profile. Two days later we were delivered to each other's e-mail inboxes as "mutual matches" and that our criteria matched each other's 100%. I wondered how he felt to see my profile up, if he cared at all, or if he just blocked my profile from searches. It just adds another bizarre element to the whole thing.

 

I really appreciate your posting, Lovely81. I'd be curious to hear more about your relationship, and what you think happened, and how you feel about it all now--you can pm me if you'd prefer. As with Tinke, it's always comforting to know there are others out there who had this happen to them!

[Zapbasket]

It's funny how, when you go through something too complexly painful to really absorb all at once, you have this slowly shifting kaleidoscope of perceptions and feelings--you know your outlook and understanding are changing but it's so, so slow.

 

I feel, all of a sudden, like for the first time I'm seeing head-on the very real possibility that I may never hear from my ex again. This Wednesday will be exactly one year since the breakup. On 12/5/06 he called me in the evening, baited me into an argument, told me he didn't want me to come to his homecity with him for the holidays, said it's over and hung up on me and turned off his phone. All this time I was sure I'd hear from him and now that the 1-year mark is about to expire, that 'gut feeling' I had that given how abruptly and uglily he ended things he would surely contact me now is giving way to resignation. I suppose this is a good place to be, but it's so very painful.

 

How do you recover your self-esteem? I feel like mine has really taken a hit. Filling out my match.com profile, I struggled with what to say that really captures *me* because I feel, for the first time in my life, like I really don't know myself. I'm unhappy in my job and want out, and I find myself here in NYC when I never wanted to return here (I'd lived here 6 years ago); I only returned because of my ex. My lease expires in May and I won't have the money together in time to move and I'm just so unhappy here. I go out and meet people almost every night of the week, I go running, I'm involved in lots of activities, and yet I feel deeply unhappy and lost.

 

I feel so inadequate that here I struggle financially and my ex had enough money to not think twice about moving from the place we'd found together to a new place, for a fresh start. I feel like his life is going swimmingly while I struggle, and that makes him look like the winner, doesn't it?--and it makes it look like he was right to break up with me. I feel like he has so much more than me...and what's so funny about that is that in the relationship I felt I had so much more than him, in terms of character strength and inner resourcefulness. Where has that gone? I guess I feel like his big income and big family and the fact that he could be so utterly definite makes it a fact that his life is heading in a great, solid direction while I flail about. It's such an awful feeling. I have never felt this insecure in my life.

 

I guess I just thought I was at least worth a phone call, a conversation, a "I am sorry I ended things the way I did. I never meant to hurt you; it's just that I felt things were going very badly and I had to get out." It leaves me with quite a sick feeling, this outcome.

 

I'm ashamed at having such a hard time, after all this time. I really, truly am. What am I missing in my efforts to cope? I feel like I am doing all the right things. My mom told me a few weeks ago to "just keep putting irons on the fire and eventually everything will come together." I am putting irons on the fire, but I feel like everything is such a great struggle and I feel like there must be something wrong with me that I'm struggling this much.

 

I feel so, so disrespected.

 

When, when, will it start to feel as though things are looking up? Why isn't he struggling? I know I don't know whether or not he's struggling--but if he were struggling half as much as I have been, I feel like that would manifest itself somehow in the things I've heard about him. I don't know.

 

I feel really awful. I don't know what other steps I can take.

[Zapbasket]

I guess the question is, how do I proceed when there were so many things he brought to my life that I want to incorporate as my own? Being with him really changed me in a lot of ways, in that it opened me up to a whole new way of looking at and dealing with things, and I don't want to lose touch with all of it. How do I deal with the love I had for his homecity; I loved it so much there that I'm finding myself thinking of moving there? I plan to visit there in the coming months just to test how much of what I'm feeling is for the city, and how much for the poignant memories I have of being with my ex there.

 

But what about the rest? It keeps him in the forefront of my mind and makes it hard for me not to feel really inadequate, i.e., that all these things I want as my own were taken away and now I have to re-find them.

[annieo]

I guess the question is, how do I proceed when there were so many things he brought to my life that I want to incorporate as my own? Being with him really changed me in a lot of ways, in that it opened me up to a whole new way of looking at and dealing with things, and I don't want to lose touch with all of it. How do I deal with the love I had for his homecity; I loved it so much there that I'm finding myself thinking of moving there? I plan to visit there in the coming months just to test how much of what I'm feeling is for the city, and how much for the poignant memories I have of being with my ex there.

 

But what about the rest? It keeps him in the forefront of my mind and makes it hard for me not to feel really inadequate, i.e., that all these things I want as my own were taken away and now I have to re-find them.

 

You just have to wait it out and deal with the pain/readjustment. I went through a traumatic break-up years ago, first love, were together for 7 1/2 years (and I instigated the break-up, so you'd think it wouldn't be too tough), and let me tell you, it was hell. I'd say it got even worse over time, when I married for the first time, because I then realized that I was never going to feel for the love for my husband that I felt for guy number one.

 

Fast forward 10 years, two kids, extremely unhappy marriage (during which I nursed BIG regrets over guy number 1). Then fate stepped in and I met my current husband. I divorced husband number one and moved on. And I now know I can really love someone, heart and soul, who isn't guy number one. If you had told me this pre the year 2000, I wouldn't have believed it. I really did finally move on.

This took a total of 11 years! 11 interesting, painful, learning years and I wouldn't trade one minute of it, not even the crappy parts, because it's made me who I am now.

 

All of those things that you learned/had with your ex are still in you, you just are feeling the pain of the loss of him. And I don't know if going to his city sounds like a good idea - give it some time or I fear you are going for him/memories, which will only depress you further.

 

Take care and good luck.

[norajane]

But what about the rest? It keeps him in the forefront of my mind and makes it hard for me not to feel really inadequate, i.e., that all these things I want as my own were taken away and now I have to re-find them.

 

You need to keep reminding yourself that you were a WHOLE, COMPLETE person with a life of your own long before you met him, and you are now, and you will continue to be in the future.

 

You need to look to your future with anticipation and excitement as you hold it in YOUR hands, it's all about you and what you make of it. Your life consists of a series of choices and decisions - looking back and pining away for what might have been does not bring you closer to what you want now, or what you will want tomorrow.

 

Perform a ritual on Dec 4. Take all the things that you have of him left in your place and box them up - gifts, pictures, mementos, etc. Throw them out if you can, but if you're not ready for that, box them up, seal them, and bury them deep in your closet. Light candles, incense, play music, whatever your thing is, and visualize every item you put in the box as one less burden you are carrying around your shoulders. Put it away, toss it out, let it go. Be free.

 

Then, on Dec 5, that is the first day of the rest of your life. Do something new and different to celebrate your freedom from your past, and the exciting future you are fully capable of creating for yourself. The possibilities are endless - give some thought to what you want out of your career, and write down the steps you need to take to get there. Give some thought to where you really want to live, and write down the steps you need to take to get there. It's time to look forward.

[lovely81]

Hi Greencove,

 

My year break up anniversary was a week ago mid-November, and I was very sad for about a week. I never figured out why, and I still don't know why and I don't care anymore. You'll get to this place one day too. I mean I don't think I'm fully recovered yet, but after awhile I just kind of became a little realistic. It was like at first nothing made sense, then it all clicked into place. I have to say, meeting someone I liked a lot in a TOTALLY different way, helped tremendously (even though that didn't work out). Your ex and my ex sound like they both had communication problems. My ex was VERY depressed about work life leading up to his abrupt dumping of me, he was a depressed person in general. I'm not happy shiny person myself, but I have a certain joie de vivre that was stifled around him a bit--I saved it for my friends. Understand when he broke up with me, I didn't really acknowledge these differences or thought of them more as differences that somehow made we had stronger. But now that he's gone, I've been able to be honest that I want and need someone who can be a more talkative, and more enjoying of life.

 

I made new friends and I did things the old me wouldn't have done . And over time, I've become a new me. The old me of course was in love with my ex--because she (uh, meaning me) was different. The new me doesn't need him and wants someone that matches her. It's all a process of opening yourself up to the world and of time.

 

Also I cut off all contact with him and stopped tracking him down on the internet. That helped, I think, although sometimes I hear about him talking to our mutual friends and I get very upset--it sort of feels like I've fooled myself into thinking he never existed, and then I get a little surprised he's around.

 

Anyway, I have to say it's pretty hilarious to me I'm writing this right now. I felt much more like you a few months ago. Not only do I not care about my ex, I care much more about this other person who I've only known four months (as friends but my wanting more.) Not caring about the ex has also allowed me to stop obsessively thinking about how wonderful his life is (and he's been in a new relationship for awhile!!) I know his life is just a life with its ups and downs just like mine. Yeah, it sucked I had to be devastated, but things will even out in the end and if they don't...I don't know in the cosmic scheme of things, I'm happy with my lot.

[Zapbasket]

You just have to wait it out and deal with the pain/readjustment. I went through a traumatic break-up years ago, first love, were together for 7 1/2 years (and I instigated the break-up, so you'd think it wouldn't be too tough), and let me tell you, it was hell. I'd say it got even worse over time, when I married for the first time, because I then realized that I was never going to feel for the love for my husband that I felt for guy number one.

 

Fast forward 10 years, two kids, extremely unhappy marriage (during which I nursed BIG regrets over guy number 1). Then fate stepped in and I met my current husband. I divorced husband number one and moved on. And I now know I can really love someone, heart and soul, who isn't guy number one. If you had told me this pre the year 2000, I wouldn't have believed it. I really did finally move on.

This took a total of 11 years! 11 interesting, painful, learning years and I wouldn't trade one minute of it, not even the crappy parts, because it's made me who I am now.

 

All of those things that you learned/had with your ex are still in you, you just are feeling the pain of the loss of him. And I don't know if going to his city sounds like a good idea - give it some time or I fear you are going for him/memories, which will only depress you further.

 

Take care and good luck.

 

Hi AnnieO,

 

Thanks for your message. Your story is amazing and really had an impact on me: I feel so reassured that it can indeed sometimes take a long time to overcome deep feelings of love for someone and the anguish of losing them. I'm so glad for you that you finally found real love again and are happy, after all those years of what I'm sure must have been a lot of growth (gained through pain--it's always that way, isn't it?).

 

A question: did you ever, in all that time, contact your first love? During your first marriage, where you nursed regrets over letting your first love go, did you ever reach out to him? Or he you? Are you in contact with your first love now, and if not, do you feel that in those 11 years of sorting through your feelings, he really became a part of you, or you became him in certain respects?

 

I'm so glad you wrote because I can see that it's going to take me a long time to fully come to terms with this, to the point where I can truly say it's all behind me. I'll be in the subway and suddenly remember some little loving interaction we had and my eyes will well up. Or I'll go from feeling intuitively that I will definitely hear from him in the next year, to feeling, again intuitively, that I'll never hear from him again. I'll feel very far away from him, and then very close. I swing from intense anger to deep longing and love. I feel like for the next couple of years and maybe more, this is going to be one of those Big Events that will change me fundamentally in a lot of ways, and hopefully in the long run, for the better. Right now I just feel like I'm swimming in confusion.

 

I'd really be curious to hear more about your story; you can pm me if you want to go into more detail. For instance, I'm curious: why did you end the relationship and then what made you feel subsequently that you made a mistake? Or did you feel it was a mistake? If you had it to do all over again, knowing what you know now, what would you have done differently? Why did you marry your previous husband when you knew you did not love him in the fullest sense?

[Zapbasket]

You need to keep reminding yourself that you were a WHOLE, COMPLETE person with a life of your own long before you met him, and you are now, and you will continue to be in the future.

 

You need to look to your future with anticipation and excitement as you hold it in YOUR hands, it's all about you and what you make of it. Your life consists of a series of choices and decisions - looking back and pining away for what might have been does not bring you closer to what you want now, or what you will want tomorrow.

 

Perform a ritual on Dec 4. Take all the things that you have of him left in your place and box them up - gifts, pictures, mementos, etc. Throw them out if you can, but if you're not ready for that, box them up, seal them, and bury them deep in your closet. Light candles, incense, play music, whatever your thing is, and visualize every item you put in the box as one less burden you are carrying around your shoulders. Put it away, toss it out, let it go. Be free.

 

Then, on Dec 5, that is the first day of the rest of your life. Do something new and different to celebrate your freedom from your past, and the exciting future you are fully capable of creating for yourself. The possibilities are endless - give some thought to what you want out of your career, and write down the steps you need to take to get there. Give some thought to where you really want to live, and write down the steps you need to take to get there. It's time to look forward.

 

Hi Norajane,

 

Thanks for this advice. I was away in DC for work the 4th and 5th, but since then I've been thinking about what to do next. I'm going to put it down in another post.

[Zapbasket]

Hi Greencove,

 

My year break up anniversary was a week ago mid-November, and I was very sad for about a week. I never figured out why, and I still don't know why and I don't care anymore. You'll get to this place one day too. I mean I don't think I'm fully recovered yet, but after awhile I just kind of became a little realistic. It was like at first nothing made sense, then it all clicked into place. I have to say, meeting someone I liked a lot in a TOTALLY different way, helped tremendously (even though that didn't work out). Your ex and my ex sound like they both had communication problems. My ex was VERY depressed about work life leading up to his abrupt dumping of me, he was a depressed person in general. I'm not happy shiny person myself, but I have a certain joie de vivre that was stifled around him a bit--I saved it for my friends. Understand when he broke up with me, I didn't really acknowledge these differences or thought of them more as differences that somehow made we had stronger. But now that he's gone, I've been able to be honest that I want and need someone who can be a more talkative, and more enjoying of life.

 

I made new friends and I did things the old me wouldn't have done . And over time, I've become a new me. The old me of course was in love with my ex--because she (uh, meaning me) was different. The new me doesn't need him and wants someone that matches her. It's all a process of opening yourself up to the world and of time.

 

Also I cut off all contact with him and stopped tracking him down on the internet. That helped, I think, although sometimes I hear about him talking to our mutual friends and I get very upset--it sort of feels like I've fooled myself into thinking he never existed, and then I get a little surprised he's around.

 

Anyway, I have to say it's pretty hilarious to me I'm writing this right now. I felt much more like you a few months ago. Not only do I not care about my ex, I care much more about this other person who I've only known four months (as friends but my wanting more.) Not caring about the ex has also allowed me to stop obsessively thinking about how wonderful his life is (and he's been in a new relationship for awhile!!) I know his life is just a life with its ups and downs just like mine. Yeah, it sucked I had to be devastated, but things will even out in the end and if they don't...I don't know in the cosmic scheme of things, I'm happy with my lot.

 

Hi Lovely81,

 

Thanks for posting. Are you dating someone new? I wasn't clear based on what you said. But if so, it sounds like it's really helped you put your ex in the past. Now, do you really feel like you no longer care at all about him? To me, that seems to be an impossible place to reach, or not for a long time, while the care I do have has a chance gradually to soften into a generalized warmth I have reserved for anyone who ever mattered to me at some point in my life.

 

It also sounds like what's helped you move on is your realization post break-up that really you DON'T want someone like your ex. In that way, it seems like you were able to "break up" with him on your side, so that even if at first the breakup wasn't mutual, it has become so. Maybe? For me, I feel like as time passes I realize that some things I made a big deal about really aren't such a big deal, and that while his communication certainly wasn't great, nor was mine: I pursued, he withdrew and I'm as responsible for sustaining that dynamic as he is. I look back and see the ways I could have changed tactics and in the process been more sensitive to his needs and feelings. I also see how much and how deeply I truly enjoyed his presence, his thoughts, his little ways--I mean, I knew I loved having him in my life but having him not in my life has made me realize just how much he added to my existence, my worldview, my way of interacting with people, etc. He has been a profound influence who still, in my memory, influences me. It's so hard to find a way to sever all that.... I wish that over time I realized he wasn't for me, but over time instead I've realized the opposite, which adds a whole other layer of pain.

 

I hope I can get to where you are. Especially as it seems that my ex is not experiencing what I am--a realization that in fact I AM the best partner for him in the way that I realize he truly is someone I could spend my whole life with. This week, he changed his online dating headline to read, "Looking for something completely different" and of course I cried over that because it shows how utterly, completely determined he is to erase me from his life and move on. I have to find some way to come to terms with the dichotomy in the respective ways his eyes and my eyes have opened to the meaning of this breakup.

 

Do you ever think you'll be in contact with your ex?