Feeling Like Giving Up/Mid-Twenties Crisis

[asiatica]

I'm at that wonderful age where most of my friends are involved, engaged, married, or spawning (ie my best friend and her husband, who I live with). But I don't really know what will happen to me or what I WANT to have happen with me.

 

You see, I'm one of those people who questions things a lot. So, of course, I question marriage. I question relationships. I ask around about women's experiences with marriage, read books. I observe. What I find out dismays me to no end.

 

I see women being mistreated in marriage, an institution that doesn't really honor a woman's wants or desires, but instead pushes them to the side for the lives and wishes of others, such as husband and child. I see married women looking just drained, all vibrancy gone, looking dowdy and harried with men that no longer care to make an effort for their wives. My best friend's husband is alright, but is shallow and likes the fact that his wife has become a "good wife" who will please him (don't get me started on his monitoring of her food, exercise, weight, and the fact that she isn't blonde). I refuse to accept that marriage, for a woman, is becoming something sexless, fashionless, fun-less, sweet and universally healing of all things (and my vocabulary is shameless. oy).

 

I also start thinking of my love life, or lack thereof. I'm a special woman. I've performed opera and ballet in Lincoln Center, Carnegie Hall; owned a business, worked costuming for Cirque Du Soleil, had the option to go to college at 16. I model. I have many friends and love them all dearly.

 

I think that I've gotten all of the things "right". But I don't meet anyone (and I go out A LOT); the guys that do meet me abandon me- like my last one, just a few weeks ago. I ended up with one of my friends (or at least a man I thought was a friend) for an interlude in which he let drop a statement that sounded suspiciously like him calling me a pity-****.

 

I don't know what to think any more. I've even come to the conclusion that my ability to feel sexual pleasure is nonexistent because I only think of the other person's pleasure, not mine. In fact, I cannot imagine anything happening to me that would be arousing JUST for me. I can't have fantasies with sex involving me, they only involve me being an onlooker to someone else's pleasure.

 

At this point, I'm feeling like men not only don't like being around me, but that they like to find women, use them for sport, then throw them out and move on to someone who is comfortable and non-threatening. I don't like the passivity of waiting for someone to come to me, like some Victorian miss. And I would never want to batten down my love for sparkly clothes, my laugh, my humor, my personality, or my intelligence to be "less intimidating".

 

I'm starting to think I'll end up alone, the lady that all my friend's kids call "Auntie".

 

I don't know. Has anyone else come across this? It's just that I'm feeling alarmed at the fact that I honestly don't care to try anymore, and that I feel that I could never even let down my walls and trust enough to believe or build a relationship, much less to build belief in love at this point.

 

Sorry for the novella. I had a lot to say...

[clia]

I think it's very normal to feel this way, especially when the majority of your friends are involved, married, having kids, etc.

 

But the thing to remember is that YOU don't have to do everything everyone else is doing at the same time they are doing it. What is right for your friends may not be right for you. They may be ready to get married, start spawning (hee!), and make that level of commitment, but it doesn't mean it's the *right* thing to do, nor that it is the thing you have to do RIGHT NOW. (I always look at it like this--would I want to be married to any of my friend's husbands? No Way! I love them to death, but they aren't for me, if you know what I mean.)

 

I refuse to accept that marriage, for a woman, is becoming something sexless, fashionless, fun-less, sweet and universally healing of all things

 

It doesn't have to be. Marriage can be a great thing. I have friends who are in wonderful marriages with spouses who respect and love and cherish them. It all hinges on finding the right person, that's all. It's not brain surgery, but it does take time and circumstance.

 

At this point, I'm feeling like men not only don't like being around me, but that they like to find women, use them for sport, then throw them out and move on to someone who is comfortable and non-threatening.

 

just that I'm feeling alarmed at the fact that I honestly don't care to try anymore, and that I feel that I could never even let down my walls and trust enough to believe or build a relationship, much less to build belief in love at this point.

 

You have to change your attitude. Yes, there are a**h***s out there. There are guys who are only out for sex, guys who cheat, guys who will disappear after months of dating without a word, guys who will treat you like crap. Just accept that they are out there. However, there are also guys who will buy you flowers for no reason, call and want to see you all the time, treat you with respect, listen to you when you are upset, listen to you when you are happy, etc....get my point?

 

Try not to look at the bad side of things so much. I think guys pick up on that. When I go out in a bad mood, no one talks to me. But when I chuck the bad mood and just smile and be happy, guys flock. They *know* when you are bitter and upset. They just know it. Must be like women's intuition. You gain nothing by being upset and miserable and allowing other people to control how you feel now and in the future. Don't let bad experiences ruin your drive for life or your goals or your future. Just remember that there are good experiences ahead. Try. Don't give up. Laugh off things that don't work out and remind yourself that every bad experience brings you closer to the right experience.

 

And I would never want to batten down my love for sparkly clothes, my laugh, my humor, my personality, or my intelligence to be "less intimidating".

 

Of course not! LOL. You'll find a guy who loves all these things about you!

 

I'm starting to think I'll end up alone, the lady that all my friend's kids call "Auntie".

 

No you won't. Trust me, I have a crystal ball in front of me and I can see this.

[Tony T]

Your thoughts control your life and your universe. You have developed a very fatalistic view of the world and that will serve to destroy personal relationships as well as other aspects of your life unless you set out to change your thought patterns.

 

Yes, there are a lot of relationships (marriages) that are just as you describe. But there are special ones too. Because you are highly analytical, you are likely to be hypervigilant and oversensitive to what men say and do and assign meaning that isn't there. Everything you have written is true...about SOME relationships. But you have a serious problem with generalizing and that's not good.

 

Relationships are what you make them. If your expectations are extremely high, there may be few human beings who can meet them. If you are just too lazy, then perhaps you should retire to your corner of the world and forget about love. After all, it is quite possible for you to be very happy in the single state.

 

Right now, your worst problem is yourself and your thoughts. We attract people into our life according to our thoughts and expectations. If you expect relationships to be as you describe, men to be as you describe, your experiences with other people to be as you describe above...then that's exactly the reality you will manifest in your life.

 

I don't know just how you became so cynical. Perhaps you had a few bad experiences and your thoughts created a vicious cycle that has continued to this day.

 

You need to look closely in the mirror for the person who is causing your life and your relationships to be as they are....and to cause men to abandon you. You need to step aside from yourself and take inventory of your entire life, your personality, the way you treat others, the way you make them feel, etc.

 

First, let's take care of basics and be sure your breath is fresh and odor free, that your cologne isn't too strong, etc.

 

Second, since you're above average intelligence are you associating with those on your intellectual level? A woman with your accomplishments could be very intimidating to a lot of men. Perhaps you shouldn't disclose so much about yourself too soon. Are you boastful about yourself when you first meet men?

 

Third, I sense between the lines of what you have written that you crave to be loved more than anything else in the world. I say that because you have a way of wanting to please others before you please yourself. That needs to change. You need to worry about making yourself happy...and let others make themselves happy. In the sex department, communication needs to take place so there is mutual fulfillment. Until you love your ownself, it is doubtful you will find others who will fall for you.

 

Your craving for love and acceptance shows through in your post more than anything. Everybody wants those. But an analytical mind cannot deal with the subject of love for love cannot be analyzed, cannot be understood, cannot be dissected or defined. In that sense, you've got to get more in touch with your feelings and stop analyzing your life as it relates to affairs of the heart.

 

You are a highly accomplished lady for your age and therefore will require a man who is intelligent, confident, self assured, secure in himself, independent, and a man who will give you the space where you can continue to grow in your business and creative endeavors. He is out there....you just have to seek him.... I unconditionally guarantee that he is RIGHT NOW looking for you. Yes, MR. RIGHT is looking for you now. If you give up on love, he may never find you.

 

Meanwhile, I will leave you with a link to a chapter on love in a great book called "The Prophet" by Kahlil Gibran. It's a classic and available at all good bookstores. Please click the link and read what Gibran wrote about love....read it a few times. Take it in. Live by it.

 

Don't give up. Love is right around the corner....you have my unconditional guarantee!!! Click--->http://www.columbia.edu/~gm84/gibran2.html

 

Good luck and keep smiling!!!

[asiatica]

First, let's take care of basics and be sure your breath is fresh and odor free, that your cologne isn't too strong, etc.

 

hee!!! Don't worry, I'm a total analista about these things.

 

thank you all for the good advice.

 

I'm working my damndest to have a positive outlook, but a lot of times it turns into "i'm positive blah won't work..." My best friend actually thinks that I just think too much. Definitely a possibility as well.

[quankanne]

It's perfectly normal to feel off-kilter because you're seeing all your colleagues and friends getting married and starting families, but don't dispair, just find the best way you can to live YOUR life. Yeah, it gets depressing, but in about 10 years, the cycle is gonna seem like everyone's getting divorced, then 10 years after that, you start seeing death come take friends and family members. But it's all in how you filter it in, how you allow yourself to be affected by it, not in the actual events.

 

There's nothing wrong in enjoying what you've accomplished, but don't be so hard on yourself when your love life isn't what you'd like it to be -- it'll happen when it's supposed to happen, but in the meantime you need to let your heart "grow" – start rethinking how you view marriage and relationships. It's a kiss of death if you're looking for love, but with a jaded heart -- how can anything grow under harsh conditions? And, a lot of it has to do with learning how to accept yourself, warts and all. Once you do that, it follows that others will, too.

[asiatica]

i've thought a lot about how to become more positive and less judgemental of myself. i figured out that it's the little things like not putting myself down verbally, or just treating myself to something cheap and cute when i get something accomplished.

 

what i'm having a hard time with is hope. i used to have it, then i think the past got the best of me. the biggest conundrum of all is how to build up hope again, as well as how to build up faith. i keep on wanting tangible proof, and yet love is intangible (i think Tony said that, and if i'm wrong, my 'umble apologies).

 

so i'm working on a leap of faith, slowly kicking down layer upon layer of mess and suspicion.

[moimeme]

You could try Iyanla Van Zant's "In the Meantime". It's a pretty good read.

[Dragonflys]

This happens a lot with people who became talented artists or musicians at a young age. Being among an opera and ballet crowd you had to learn to be very 'proper' at a young age which meant a strong level of self awareness was required. Now that extra self awareness makes you more analytical, sensitive and self critical.

 

Love can be very anti such control. Love is more about expressing unfiltered feelings, being your true 'self' rather than an image your parents or guardians viewed you should be. Sexuality comes from being able to let go and be consumed by something larger than the controlled vessel that you are. It's easy to apprecaite it as an onlooker, because you are seeing affection being performed just how you wish you could do it.

 

I think your only way out is to just get out there and communicate with people. Don't expect too much and expect to get a little rattled. View every encounter as a learning experience or a test. We instinctively as humans are able to adapt and learn from what we see around us, even if it may not seem apparent, so its just time and experience you need. I would say your only control point is deciding who you will talk with, beyond that just let things happen. Get into conversations, make friends, learn what makes you laugh, feel good, and take it from there.

 

The more you analyse it without getting out there, the more it will drive you nuts and the more you will see the wolrd through your own filter rather than for what it is.

 

I wish you well!!!!

 

Oliver

[Ally Boo]

In the Meantime is a VERY good book.

[Kidd Seuss]

[color=darkred]A lot of the times, if you don't like the type of guys you are attracting, you can change that by changing where you "go out a lot" to, people you surround yourself with, or even hunt down the specific quirks about you that make you think you seem to attract the garbage. I said it in another post, and I will repeat it for you. If you are very religious, church is a good place to meet some pretty down-to-Earth people. But they do have their hypocrites too. Though if you can't be happy being to yourself, then you probably won't be happy in a relationship. Self-love is a very important factor in any relationship.

 

Drew [/color]

[asiatica]

I have definitely learned to accept myself more, but there definitely is that huge part of me that is hypercritical. No joke. If I get so much as a parking ticket and can't pay it, I think that the world is going to end and the cops will be knocking down my door.

 

I'm making myself slow down and take things more as what they are than as "what they are that isn't what i want and it's wrong AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGHGGGGGGGGGG!". I've also started to fantasize about things through my eyes rather than seeing myself through someone else's. That's a big help, I must admit.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "If I get so much as a parking ticket and can't pay it, I think that the world is going to end and the cops will be knocking down my door."

 

Sounds reasonable to me. Isn't that what really happens? Somebody must have gotten a parking ticket in Iraq...look what's happening there!!!

[koreanman]

I would recommend buying some books that teach you how to think positively. There are a lot of good ones at Barnes & Noble. I was a very cynical, negative thinker myself before, until I realized that I did not want to live my life that way. Ever since I opened up and let go of my anxieties and fears, facing them head on, things have taken a new light and all these wonderful, unexpected things happen and my life has taken a new direction.

[blue_eyed_girl]

I wish that I could shovel you some more of the flowery positive crap that people like to fling at girls like us. But I can't.

 

You're so cute, you're so smart, you're so successful, ...you're so ALONE.

 

This society has no use for women who have it together. You can have a career and keep it together, or you can be "sweet" (dumb and full of hope and spineless) and have a relationship, but there is no middle ground.

 

The only chance we have is to learn to be content with whatever we choose.

 

Get a dog. Mine loves me excessively. Every time I go near her, her little eyes light up and her tail wags. How can you resist that kind of unconditional love?

[jessicakicksbut]

This society has no use for women who have it together. You can have a career and keep it together, or you can be "sweet" (dumb and full of hope and spineless) and have a relationship, but there is no middle ground.

 

 

I think I found the middle ground...and many of my colleagues I feel have also (have it all together, career, relationship, etc.). But, those I know who have found it are what society would consider "boring" or "cold".

[flower]

My opinion - I agree with blue_eyed_girl somehow. Those good and capable men seem to be attracted to sweet ladies who are dependent on them. They seem to evade those cute, successful, intelligent ladies. Not all but most. They don't feel comfortable or afraid they cannot keep up with their energies to marry such ladies - something to be studied !!

 

Appreciate what you have! Sounds like you have it all except to hit the golden man! There are many ladies out there who have less bountiful qualities like you.

 

Hope - Turn your face to the sunshine and you will never see darkness.

[koreanman]

I sort of agree. I am a 25 year old guy. At my law school I meet young, intelligent, ambitious, and articulate women everyday. At first, it was intimidating I admit. I think that a lot of guys just feel more comfortable with a women who will be more affectionate, tender, and not exacerbate any insecurities they have, or make them feel like they are inferior in anyway.

 

Don't get me wrong, a real man who is mature enough to handle an intelligent woman is all the more praiseworthy. But there is something to be said for why rich, successful men like trophy wives. I mean these women serve a genuine function for this men, and give them much more pleasure in their own ways. I don't think there's anything wrong with that either. I think its just a matter of personal preference, and whether you can afford or attract a trophy wife.

[flower]

Good sharing, koreanman! If I am a young, rich, handsome, intelligent and successful man, I would want to have a trophy wife than the other case. Why? Just my view point - A trophy wife has time for herself and family. House matters and children will be well-taken care of, sexually she will put in more effort in pleasing me and got time to read and "improve". She will have time to exercise, go beauty saloons to keep pretty so presentable whenever I need bring her out for functions or holidays. Chances of me eating homecooked food is higher with her. She will not be meeting so many men compared to working career women so a lasting marriage is more ensured and I feel more secure since my work schedule is likely to be very hectic too. I can call and reach her anytime easier compared to busy career woman. She is less likely to argue with me, more submissive after my hard day's work given that she is likely to be less stressed, less critical, less intelligent, more understanding and eager to please. I have more control and it feels good to be able to support a family on my own. Bottom-line is if I can afford a trophy wife, why not! Again, personal preferences prevails.

[Rogue]

Asiatica, I think from your post you being too hard on yourself. I think somehow you got the idea into your head that if your love life slowed down that something was wrong with you, or that you have failed somehow or have some flaw.In my opinion , nothing can be farther from the truth.

 

In your lifetime, you most likely will meet thousands of men. Of those thousands, let's say, 100 or so will be attractive to you.Of those 100-200, you will prolly have a chance to date , say 20-30?(I'm just guessing,no hard facts....but you get the picture).Of that,you can only marry one.So if you do the math, the chances of you marrying any particular man you meet is several thousand to one! And the chance of one of your relationships going the distance with someone you're currently dating is about 20-30 to one. So, logic dictates that you will have more failures than successes in the relationship department. I know, it's weird logic...but doens't it make sense a bit?

 

Anyways, there's also the "connection" factor.What I mean is to make a connection with someone,( a very real connection) you have to get to know the person really really well. I can only speak for myself, but I find it damn hard to get to know who a person "truly" is. You can know a family member or a friend for years and still not know who they really are. And if it's that hard to know someone you've talked to for years, try to imagine how tough it is for someone you've only dated a few times! And at the same time, that other person is prolly just guessing at who you are.(So if they reject you, don't take it personally because they don't know who they're rejecting).

 

What I'm trying to say is most of us stumble along through relationships without a road map. Yes,some of us do better at relationships because they are better at relating to other people or they were blessed with a lot of good prospects.Some simply lucked out. But most of us , even those married friends of yours, simply learned through trial and error.They prolly kissed a lot of frogs to find their prince.

 

Anyways, I'm myself trying to be more aware of who the woman I'm dating or interested in is.I'm making more of an effort to understand them , their experiences , their motives their feelings before I decide whether or not I'm interested. I'm trying to look past appearances ,past initial impressions and make sure I give them a fair chance.

[jessicakicksbut]

Trophy wife...great, if your not looking for intelligence!

[flower]

my view: think trophy wives need some form of intelligence to keep their wonderful and capable husbands' hearts with them 'cos there are some women out there who wants to take over the trophy

[jessicakicksbut]

This is just my opinion, but I feel that an intelligent woman who is not afraid to speak her own mind would not allow herself to become a trophy wife, unless she is truly not in the marriage for the right reasons. If she is intelligent, but seeking a man who will support her financially, a man that is handsome above anything else, or has self-esteem issues, then I feel she will allow herself to become the trophy wife. Why do I feel this way you may ask...in my mind the definition of a trophy wife is basically someone who is "good-looking, agreeable, the perfect 'mom', the perfect 'cook', can keep a well-maintained house, etc." Being an intelligent woman in my opinion goes beyond education, to someone who can stimulate others into controversial conversation, stand up for their beliefs, and never falter upon them unless they are proven totally wrong. This goes against my definition of a trophy wife, since they are supposed to be "agreeable". What do others in this forum feel about this?

[LALady]

Me Too. I read your letter about feeling like giving up and I feel the same way.

 

Only I am not in my 20's anymore.

 

I am 33 and going to be 34 soon.

 

I have never been married and do not have children.

 

I want SO MUCH to get married and have children.

 

But the relationships I have been getting into all end and I am back again - still looking.

 

I see my married girlfriends struggle, too. I see how they have changed and I am not sure I really want what they have, either.

 

However I am feeling like giving up too.

 

When I date, I have since I was 25 been upfront about wanting marriage and children so I don't waste my time with the wrong guy, but eventually each relationship has ended disappointingly,

and I am tired of men LYING.

 

Thank you for your letter. It helps me to know I am not alone.

[rain]

I am in the same postion. Pretty attractive (not model material, but I am far from ugly), finacially stable, intelligent, and alone. I am 32 and still haven't met "the one" I may never meet him. I have accepted that. I am not going to settle for less than I deserve. Most of my friends are male so I asked them why don't men ask me out. They say even though most men will not admit it, they want the "traditional" wife, one that stays home, takes care of the house, raises the kids, cooks the meals, and dotes on their husbands. I am far from that picture. So I think until women like us meet a man who is not intimidated by an independant woman, we will have to learn to be happy being single.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Being strong and independent does not mean you are destined to live without love!

 

I find this thread rather interesting because I just watched a program recently whereby they interviewed three exceptionally attractive, financially independent women who claimed they could not find partners because “men were intimidated by them.”

 

They also interviewed three bachelors who had dated women of this caliber but inevitably ended their relationships with these women for one reason or another.

 

The general consensus all six had reached by the end of the program was that “intimidation” was not a factor at all!

 

One of the bachelors interviewed was well off himself, and wanted an “equal” partner…not a subservient one. He claimed that most of the strong, independent women he dated had that: “I don’t need a man, I can do it myself” attitude when it came to relationships. This “hard edge” was a turn-off for him and made it increasingly difficult for him to stay romantically interested for any length of time. Like most people, he desired to be with someone who made him feel “needed,” not financially, but emotionally. Money aside, no one wants to be in a relationship where feel they have no value or nothing worth while to contribute.

 

Another gentleman claimed that he had no qualms what-so-ever about being with a woman who made more money than him. As a matter of fact, it seemed the other way around. What he found, is that he had difficulty keeping up with women who were use to the finer things in life…expensive restaurants and trips abroad. On his quote: “Denny’s budget,” he found that most of these women soon lost interest in ‘him.’

 

Strong, independent women should be proud that they can do it on their own. So long as that badge of honor doesn’t turn into a suit of armor! Men, just like women, want to feel loved and needed in a relationship. And to do this, we must allow some vulnerability and never give our partner the impression that our secure, independent lives would carry on just fine without them…