keet Posted August 25, 2007 Share Posted August 25, 2007 Hello! I've been with my common law spouse since 1998...just over 9 years. The day before Christmas 2000 he proposed to me and it was also at that time that we were planning our first child. At the beginning of January 2003, pregnant with my second, our relationship was bad. He owns his own company and expected far too much out of me while I was trying to take care of my then 18 month old daughter. It was so bad that I moved out with my daughter in April 2003, one month prior to giving birth to my second. We were split up for 5 months and got back together in August 2003. Just after I moved out I gave him back his engagement ring and told him that I didn't want to marry him. Well, it's been 4 years since our separation and our relationship is just like it had been prior to our troubles. We rarely fight and get along well. I've known where the engagement ring was since we got back together. However, we have not talked about marriage or being engaged. (Six months after we got together, he did call me Fiance but that was the end of that.) Does he still want to marry me? I have no idea. He was probably very hurt about me calling it off and perhaps is waiting for me to mention it. I am too stubborn and scared to ask for it back. For the past few months I've put the ring on and thought, well, perhaps he will notice. Then I get scared and take it back off. Yes, I know marriage is a piece of paper. Yes, but at the same time, it's also a higher meaning. I am 38 years old and, as the mother of my kids, I have a different last name than my kids and my spouse. I don't feel like a family with a different last name. Will marriage change anything? Maybe not. Sometimes I get scared too as I hear of people getting married after a very long time together only to go through a divorce pretty quick after their marriage. I truly do want to marry him and I have been constantly thinking about it for 6 months now. Should I or should I not say a thing? Should I just leave it as is? Link to post Share on other sites
curiousnycgirl Posted August 25, 2007 Share Posted August 25, 2007 If it is important to you - then you need to bring it up. He may be just as scared as you to rock the boat. Who knows. Of course you run the risk of his saying he is no longer interested in marriage - so you need to be prepared for that possibility. How would you feel if he said that? What would you do? At the very least I think you owe yourself the discussion, and the answer to the question. Avoiding it because you are scared isn't going to make it go away. I wish you luck and hope it goes the way you want. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 25, 2007 Share Posted August 25, 2007 If you don't say anything this will drive you nuts...It's better to be honest and upfront with him. Don't bring up the past, just tell him that you love him and for the sake of your kids, maybe it's time to official. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 25, 2007 Share Posted August 25, 2007 Should I or should I not say a thing? Should I just leave it as is? You're thinking about it every day, obsessing over it , wearing the ring and hoping he'll notice, but... You can't talk about it ? If it's true that communication is the key to long-term marital success, then I'm worried about your future together ! Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author keet Posted August 28, 2007 Author Share Posted August 28, 2007 Alright, I finally brought it up last night. I asked him if he still wanted to marry me and he said yes but yes and paused because he thought I was going to say more. He told me that his worker had mentioned that I had been talking about marriage to his fiancee. We talked about what had happened at the time we had separated and he said that he also thought I was too busy for marriage. We then talked about some other things that have been happening around here and why I was down last week. Ok, he said yes but I think I caught him off guard and he was probably surprised that I brought it up. In the end, the conversation isn't over. Does this mean I can wear my engagement ring again? I don't know. Does this mean to start making plans? I don't know. Well, he didn't say no. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 In the end, the conversation isn't over. Does this mean I can wear my engagement ring again? I don't know. Does this mean to start making plans? I don't know. Well, he didn't say no. Again, how can you leave a conversation about something so central to your relationship and not know the outcome? Here is a sample script for the next time you talk to him about it: "I'd like to start planning our wedding. What date shall we have it on? How many people shall we invite? Who will be the best man? Maid of honor?" See, that's not so hard . Oh, and the most important question of all: "Open or cash bar?" Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author keet Posted August 30, 2007 Author Share Posted August 30, 2007 Again, how can you leave a conversation about something so central to your relationship and not know the outcome? Here is a sample script for the next time you talk to him about it: "I'd like to start planning our wedding. What date shall we have it on? How many people shall we invite? Who will be the best man? Maid of honor?" See, that's not so hard . Oh, and the most important question of all: "Open or cash bar?" Mr. Lucky LOL I really appreciate your candor. What you said the other day was what made me talk to him about it. I know that my hubby appreciated my openness as he told me so the next day and also mentioned to a worker of ours what I had said. We own our own businesses and right now hubby is running around with his head cut off trying to finish a project. Then he was also planning to go away on a fishing trip as a bonus to his workers (he will be back tonight). Yes, I truly suprised him the other night. From what I hear it was a good surprise for him to be appreciating my openness. Hubby and I don't seem to have a lot of one-on-one time for the past two months. We have two children (1 - 4 years old boy and 1 - 5 year old girl). Because of the summer, their bedtime hours are totally screwed up and now they are up later. Anyhow, I have a surprise planned for hubby in two weekends and I am planning a night away for us. We desperately need it. I especially need it as I only go out once per year. This night is just planned for us with no talk of business etc. It will provide the opportunity to discuss our life together further. BTW, there are many reasons why I want to get married and non is because I think it will change our life. It is also not the fairy tale aspect of it either. Next May will be 10 years for us and I want to celebrate the 10 years of us and our love and a new beginning by getting married. I've always wanted to marry him but unfortunately we both screwed that up 4 years ago when we separated for 5 months. Since then, I wanted to get back on track and make sure things were good between us before bringing up the subject. My kids have been saying we are married which we are not. And now that they are older, it would be wonderful to have them involved in the marriage ceremony. I don't feel like we are a family with a different last name than my hubby and children. It may not be important to some but it is important to me. And after 10 years, being called girlfriend just doesn't sit right either. Link to post Share on other sites
Author keet Posted September 6, 2007 Author Share Posted September 6, 2007 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t129277/ This is the surprise I was planning for my hubby. Link to post Share on other sites
Bobby NoBrains Posted September 6, 2007 Share Posted September 6, 2007 Sounds to me like you're headed in the right direction Good luck. Just my two bits .. Bobby Link to post Share on other sites
Cad Rake Posted September 14, 2007 Share Posted September 14, 2007 Um, I'm sure you've already addressed this elsewhere... but just in case you haven't.... I'm assuming that you're not calling your man a LEGAL "common law" husband, right? The vast majority of all states and western countries have abolished the concept of "common law" spouses. I think there are 10 states that recognize it, but (to quote a marriage web site).... To be defined as a common law marriage within [those ten] states, the two parties must: agree that they are married, live together, AND hold themselves out as husband and wife. Common-law marriage is generally a non-ceremonial relationship that requires "a positive mutual agreement, permanent and exclusive of all others, to enter into a marriage relationship, cohabitation sufficient to warrant a fulfillment of necessary relationship of man and wife, and an assumption of marital duties and obligations." Black's Law Dictionary 277 (6th ed. 1990). Since you two are "talking about getting married" rather than that you are already married, it would indicate that you have not yet "agreed that you are married" and are therefore NOT common law spouses even if you live in a jurisdiction that allows for it. Right? Link to post Share on other sites
Cad Rake Posted September 14, 2007 Share Posted September 14, 2007 "Open or cash bar?" Oh and.. Weddings with cash bars have no class. Link to post Share on other sites
tommyr Posted September 14, 2007 Share Posted September 14, 2007 I truly do want to marry him and I have been constantly thinking about it for 6 months now. Should I or should I not say a thing? why on earth would you even consider telling him such a deep and personal thought? secrets like this are to be shared only with anonymous internet creeps like me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author keet Posted September 29, 2007 Author Share Posted September 29, 2007 why on earth would you even consider telling him such a deep and personal thought? secrets like this are to be shared only with anonymous internet creeps like me. LOL BTW, I never told him that I'd been constantly thinking about it for months. Link to post Share on other sites
justpassingthrough Posted October 1, 2007 Share Posted October 1, 2007 We own our own businesses and right now hubby is running around with his head cut off trying to finish a project. Hubby and I don't seem to have a lot of one-on-one time for the past two months. Anyhow, I have a surprise planned for hubby in two weekends and I am planning a night away for us. I don't feel like we are a family with a different last name than my hubby and children. My kids have been saying we are married which we are not. Hmmmmm. I wonder where the children got that from... Link to post Share on other sites
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