luvstarved Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 I am just wrestling with myself over whether I am being petty here... My feelings have been hurt a lot by my Mom and part of me just wants to quit doing for her and trying to care for her. I grew up in traditional household...old fashioned in that my mother thought women's primary goal was to keep the legs crossed until marriage and find a husband who was a good provider, etc. She always definitely favored her boys. I had 3 brothers and a sister. As adults, boys all lived within a 1/2 mile of mom and had frequent periods of going to live back at home. Me and Sis? Left at 17, never to return and live at least 500 miles away. Coincidence? Anyway time has marched on. Mom is old now. One of my brothers passed away 4 years ago and my Dad passed two years ago. When my brother died, he lived with my parents. Another brother had let his house fall into disrepair and then let it be foreclosed on. At our brother's death it so happened that the other brother had been given one month to get out. So, he moved in with Mom and Dad, later saying that our bro had died at a convenient time. Anyway he has always been irresponsible as hell. Failed to get any financial aid for his daughter's college because he could not be bothered to fill out forms, etc. In fact, my mom more or less raised that daughter. Never maintained his home, takes off work every time he builds up any vacation at all and THEN some, drinks like crazy, etc. When he moved in, he let Mom and Dad take care of him..she did laundry, cooking. He went to work and sat on his computer, let his bills stack up, paid no rent, blah blah. Well they got older...Dad started to deteriorate, and admittedly, this brother helped my mother caretake him for the last year when he declined rapidly and finally died, and I know that wasn't easy. Here is what is hurting my feelings. Mom now says that she is leaving her house (her only real asset) to HIM with the stipulation that if he sells the monies would be evenly divided. When my brother and father died, I went and took care of all the paperwork, legal stuff, etc. Brother left a minor daughter and I took care of all the guardian accounting, etc. Flew down every couple of months at my own expense to take care of things. Gave her money to make ends meet, and not money that I had just lying around, either. Several thousand dollars worth. I stripped wallpaper and redid the room she mostly stays in to make it cheerier and brighter for her. Have sent her things to make her more comfortable with an arthritic hip, etc. I've cleaned the house, cooked when I was there, repaired things when I could, taken her clothes shopping, made dozens and dozens of phone calls even from home to straighten out her affairs, which isn't easy because she never understands paperwork or remembers where she put it. Brother goes to grocery store for her and lives there. He comes home from work and goes to hs room and pretty much ignores her. She still does his laundry for him and gets no rent money...neither of them cooks anymore realy, they get take out. Until recently. He told me that he thought he should be given the house outright because he had made all the sacrifices, etc. I told him I disagreed, she still had other kids and we had all grown up there etc. Now, when I talk to her, he is the prince of the world. Every tiny little thing he does for her is cosmic and fabulous. I told her I disagreed with him getting the house because a) her argument that he is the only one without a house is crap because he lost the house he had through his own negligence and furthermore he is also the only one without a whopping mortgage b) he is not the only one who has done for her and I don't feel right being left out just because I live far away and have my own family to take care of c) he has not actually DONE anything other than physically reside there, outside of helping with my Dad, mostly for the last 5 months of his life d) he is getting as much out of the arrangement as she is. e) and this is really the biggie, I am firmly convinced that he will let the house (already an old house in need of some repair) either be lost through failure to pay taxes or go to hell by not doing proper maintenance and the only thing the rest of us would ever stand to gain was a tax bill and headache, if that. He wants the house outright so he can leave it to his own daughter. She asked me to help her with creating the will that would leave him the house under these conditions. I respectfully refused on the grounds that I would not take an active part in essentially being disowned. I say respectfully because I did say it even temperedly and acknowledged that my mother was well within her rights to do with the house what she chose, and so far have continued to take care of things for her and have not let it outwardly affect my relationship with either of them. Still, I feel hurt by this and am getting to the point that I just don't feel like doing all the nuts and bolts crap I have been doing for her, she doesn't even say thank you to me. She has even conveniently forgotten things, like she was talking about money she owed someone ($500) and how she was so relieved to pay them and get them off her back. She had conveniently forgotten that I had shelled out the $500 so she would not have to worry about it... She can't count on my brother to take care of anything, really and I feel bad for feeling so petty. I have been trying to take the high road for the last year since this first came up, but she called the other night and went on about it again and I just felt like hanging up on her. He has started in the last month or two to do more things for her (nothing spectacular, just cooking once a week and helping her with a few bills) and I can't help but feel he is now angling to be given the house outright. The house is not worth a fortune so it isn't really about the money, it is just the idea of being dissed like this. Being counted on so much and not only being unappreciated, but actually excluded. Am I being an ass? I know she is old and possibly not around for a lot longer, but it's just getting on my nerves. My whole family went to visit this past summer and my H and daughter helped with several things (that my bro would jsut never get to) and she never thanked them either. When we were leaving, H told her he was glad that we were able to accomplish certain thigns she'd wanted done and rather than say "yes I appreciate it" she changed the subject, pointedly!!! In her mind he was probably fishing but he wasn't...still, a simple thanks would not have killed her.
Author luvstarved Posted August 25, 2007 Author Posted August 25, 2007 Lest I sound like I want my brother turned out on her death, I suggested that she give him 5 years to either sell the house or buy the rest of us out. He could afford it. But she did not want to put that kind of "pressure" on him. Another irritation is that she had me set up an insurance policy with the funeral home as beneficiary to pay for her funeral. Later, he had her sign a change of beneficiary to make himself beneficiary.
quankanne Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 sounds like she feels she must "care" for him even after death, and that's not an uncommon thing. Though I do feel for you after all that you've given her out of love ... you're not in the wrong for feeling the way you do, but maybe it's time to stop being so giving, you know? if she truly needs help that you can only provide, seriously consider helping her, but otherwise suggest that she get someone else to take care of her business/help her out, like with the will. That's not your place, IMO, nor should it be, because as a potential beneficiary that just creates bad blood. Serving as her executor is a different matter, though, if you feel you can carry out her mandate even if it doesn't ring fair to others in the family. don't completely separate yourself from her, but seriously rethink your response to your relationship with her. You can give of yourself, but not to an extent that it's painful for you, you know? Because it sounds like your mom feels like you are capable of providing for yourself, while your adult brother can't, and even though it feels like you're the one losing out, he's much worse off because once she dies, he's not going to have the skills to cope with those things your mother took care of.
Author luvstarved Posted August 27, 2007 Author Posted August 27, 2007 Thanks quankanne, I know that I have to continue to take the high road, but sometimes I just get my feelings hurt by all of this and it bothers me. My brother is perfectly well able to care for himself, and is merely lazy. He was married for 7 years and his daughter is now in mid-twenties. He lets my mother do whatever she is willing to do and it also pains me to see her struggling with things when she has head-to-toe arthritis. I kid you not, he does not ever even take the trash to the curb for her or mow the lawn or any of that. So my beef is probably more with him, but her going on and on about how great he is, also combined with my deceased brother's virtual sainthood, just at times gets to me and I fail to think reasonably about it. My H asks me why I continue to do all these things for her under the circumstances and I always tell him, because she is my mother and she needs me and I love her. And that's the truth and I have to remember it better. Thanks for pointing me in that direction...
Kasan Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 I am struggling with the issue of aging parents also. My mother in particular has been in poor health for several years. When the hospitalizations occur, I am the one that needs to drive the 5 hour round trip to help my dad. My brother lives 30 minutes away. You know how it goes. I too, left at 18 because of the family dynamics and I have struggled with my feelings of anger at my parents and my brother....Because he was and still is the "prodigal son." How I am I getting over this??? I realized that I need to do what feels right because when my parents are gone, there will be no "I wish I had done this or that". To me this is the most important!! So in a sense, it's about me feeling good about what I do. When I see my brother at Christmas, I think what a f***tard and let it go. I needed to forgive my parents behavior for me, not them! Will my brother probably get everything--maybe, but I tell myself it's only green paper. Will I have a relationship with my brother when my parents are gone? Absolutely not! Good luck. But my vengeful side does comes out sometimes and "What comes around goes around"!
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