Girlfriend wont commit.

[Nek]

Hi. I have been in a relationship for just over 3 years. We only live a few hours apart but work and money (see below) often get in the way. I usually work between 42-72 hours a week. She doesn't have a job or anything. She lives at home with her parents.

 

Her dad doesn't think I'm good enough for her. Or didn't, about 2 1/2 years ago which is when we had to start hiding our relationship because he said she had to move out if she kept dating me. I never wanted to hide it because a a 23 year old (21 then) I felt there was no reason to be ashamed of myself or our relationship (she's older than me).

 

We've been hiding it ever since and its really expensive because I can't visit her house, and without a job or freedom from her family noticing her absence she can't visit me. The time is almost as hard to afford.

 

I have been saving for a future for over a year now, though its a small nest egg. I have a good job (Im 23 and earning average wage for everyone, not just young people) and good prospects (my corp is fortune 100 I think?). This situation leaves me so frustrated. I want her to move in with me, but she doesn't want to. She doesn't like where I live, and wants to move out of her parents place and experience self-reliance for a while before moving in.

 

I understand that because I moved out of my parents when I was barely 18. I love my parents, but I wanted the freedom too, and can't imagine it any other way. I don't want her to replace 1 bread winner with another, because that's such a limited life experience Why waste youth?

But I don't think this leaves any room for me in her life. I've already waited 3 years, I don't think I can wait much longer. I start to resent her for not seeking her own freedom, or trying harder to at least begin her period of independence sooner.

 

Should I accept the loss and move on? Maybe hope to meet again in a few years once she has got a job and got bored of the elation that comes with paying one's water/electricity/phone etc bills?

[Zona76]

In MY view she's making excuses because she's not interested anymore.

But look at it. She's got "Daddy" footing the bills and she's set. Daddy wont kick her out when there's a problem and she wont start to pull her weight.

As far as I can see it, you can't afford this girl. You make the money yes, but she's not willing to commit to your future.

Have you heard this from her father or her?

Have you tried to see what Dad thinks you need to change to better yourself? You said he thinks you're not good enough. Have a sit down man to man and see what he really feels. He may be wanting to hold on to his little girl.

Either way. If she really wanted to make a change, she'd stand up to her folks.

You're young. Continue with your nest egg. Build on it and begin a gain to seek a partner who shares the same goals.

For myself; I'm not a big spender. I have few bills. And even though I have a comfort zone now, I want to make sure it's not shot out from under me. I'll never know when my Company may possibly downsize and I will be out. I can't see myself as going to Wall-Mart now after having a comfortable job as I have for the last 20 years.

[Nek]

When we started getting to be more than just seeing each other, I wanted to have lunch with her family to meet them. She passed back that her father's response was "we have nothing to talk about".

 

I did ask what it would take. I was told a uni degree, be studying towards one, or be the same race. Something along those lines. Initially I was ok with this because I was excited about going to uni (college) anyway. However, a real job opportunity opened up and I knew that if I wanted my foot into that industry, I had to take it. I know when you're young it may seem that way, but I still think it holds true. The industry (I.T) can be very hard to get into due to the sheer number of applicants and easy-to-earn qualifications. The particular section of the industry was quite good.

 

Anyway, so I went back to her and said that I couldn't go to Uni and that we needed to find another way to make it work. I asked her to ask her dad what we could do to be ok with him and her not get kicked out but still see me. She refused to do this for about 4 weeks. The whole time I'm freaking out because I was still in that "omg love her love her" stage and couldn't handle the possibility of having to sour 1 opportunity with the destruction of another. At the end of the weeks, when I was starting my new job, I just couldn't take the waiting, the fear and the stress anymore. I said we should be friends because it was impossible for us to work it out under the conditions.

 

However I really found that I couldn't take any interest in anyone else and she was my soulmate. So I begged her to take me back about 2 months later and said I would keep my impatience and whatnot in check. We've been hiding it ever since. With every year that has passed, it has seemingly become more impossible to find a way to get approval. Her family is very important to her, so telling them would be too hard. "Hi dad, been lying for 3 years, not a virgin anymore either". She can't risk her family, so I'm left sorta on the side. It gets kinda lonely over here.

 

With the hours I'm working, the mere hints of a relationship every few weeks and then nothing for months, I'm just not sure I want to gamble my future on her anymore. If she wont come live with me because her dad will disapprove, what other things will come before me in our life? I did try to be reasonable for the first year or so. Occasionally muttering about her dad but overall understanding his reasons. 3 years in, haven't I proven I'm not "some guy" and instead "the guy"? Throwing away a daughter because she isn't marrying a millionaire is ridiculous. I shouldn't feel like I gotta compete with a father to this degree either.

 

To top it all off, some time ago I had a conversation with one of her friends, in which I mentioned male insecurities and an article I read about men not generally liking being the secondary bread winner. Well, my gf has an arts degree, and when she heard about it from a friend, blew up at me about how "my dad was right, without a degree you'll resent me!" etc etc. This coming from a 24yo whose never had a stable job to a boyfriend whose only been unemployed for a few weeks since graduating high school is pretty harsh. Especially when I was ready for that from the moment I started dating someone with a degree, who is also older than me (another thing those guys dont tend to like. being younger).

[norajane]

Look, if she's content hiding this 'relationship' for 3 years, and hasn't found a way to talk to her family about it, there is no future for you.

 

And give that whole secrecy thing some SERIOUS thought. If she can pull off all that lying and deception to hide you, then you know she's a capable, competent LIAR who doesn't feel any guilt about lying and deceiving the people closest to her. If you know that her family means a lot to her, yet she's willing to LIE to them to suit herself for 3 years without batting an eye, how confident are you that you won't one day be on the receiving end of those lies - if you haven't been already?

[Trialbyfire]

Why is she still living at home and family reliant if she's got an Arts Degree? There are jobs to be had.

 

Unless you want a parasite for life, I would pack up my marbles and go home. She's prioritized herself and her comfort, way before you. Sounds pretty selfish to me.

[Nek]

Well its hard to just let go of someone that means that much to me. But nor do I want to waste our young lives because we're too afraid to face facts.

 

I have worried about her lying to me before. I once found out that she had an online male friend who sent her expensive gifts, and not even on special days (bday etc). Then I found out they shared passwords and everything. He doesn't live in the same country so I just accept that they're friends. But because she lies so effectively to a man that knew her since she was a child, it can be a little hard to believe some things she says if its against my intuition to believe her.

 

But then keep in mind I broke up with her once before because I thought we might not have a future and pushing it would ruin us. I was wrong then, so what if I'm just doing it again? She might get a job soon and move out, or decide that she'd rather be with me in my place instead of only getting a few days every quarter.

 

Its just getting to be so lonely and hard. I don't understand how she can stand to be apart when there's a clear corridor to togetherness. I'm only here because of my job, although I've looked at getting one nearer to her. However with her desire to be self reliant and all, moving closer just means a shorter commute, not a closer relationship.

 

Plus because its only a few days a quarter, we can't just enjoy one another's company. Its like trying to fit months of dating and sex and talk into a few days, and deciding which to do when can cause some awkwardness.

 

Also, I feel a little used. Aside from being the one to do the commuting, paying for the commuting, initiating the contact (she doesn't like to use a phone), when we're together, she expects me to do all the cooking. Which is fine for a few days, but after a while its like "don't you want to learn?" and she always says "but I'll burn the house down". Its the lamest excuse but she earnestly clings to it even when I show her simple stuff like frying an egg. I think she might be excessively lazy and worse, expecting me to be like her father despite claims of wanting to be proud of herself (her dad does the cooking in her house too).

 

I wont go into ways she avoids sex or anything. She says she doesn't want to snuggle because "I don't need validation". Wha? I just want a hug.

[Trialbyfire]

However with her desire to be self reliant

There's nothing self-reliant about your girl. She's a user.

[Zona76]

Mister! She doesn't even want to make love with you... What kind of relationship is this?

There's nothing. Time without her will allow you to move on. She's using you.

[norajane]

I have worried about her lying to me before. I once found out that she had an online male friend who sent her expensive gifts, and not even on special days (bday etc). Then I found out they shared passwords and everything. He doesn't live in the same country so I just accept that they're friends. But because she lies so effectively to a man that knew her since she was a child, it can be a little hard to believe some things she says if its against my intuition to believe her.

 

...

 

I wont go into ways she avoids sex or anything. She says she doesn't want to snuggle because "I don't need validation". Wha? I just want a hug.

 

Um, how do you know she doesn't have a boyfriend at home? Since you only see her a few days a quarter, and you already know she's got a guy she shares passwords with who sends her expensive gifts...is it really out of the question that she's got another guy who is actually around all the time when you and expensive-gifts-guy are so far away?