staying friends with exes and FWBs

[matman]

My gf is friends with all her ex boyfriends, one night stands, and a FWB.

I have some issues with this although I do trust her.

She says shed rather sleep with friends than randoms, which I can understand but it affects me having to see them about even if it's only once in a while.

Just wondering how to get over my jealousy.

 

I don't worry about the exes so much but I do worry about the one nighters and especially the FWB as these will never be "closed" due to the fact that there was no relationship in the first place.

 

I should qualify this and say it is not lots and it was explained that being single for a while ends up in this situation especially if you haven't had sex in months. I can relate to that though most of my past is on the relationship side of things but I have had some one nighters

[jerbear]

If she wants to sleep with others i.e. friends, well she makes friends pretty quickly if she has one nighters. It is her choice on friends, you just have some input. Let her choose her friends and if it really upsets you then let her know.

 

If you can't trust her with one nighters or being friends with ex's then it maybe a deal breaker for you. Are you invited to events or only her? If not then you might be the flavor FWB of the month.

 

Not all relationships are forever closed, sometimes it would be years before no contact is broken.

[matman]

It's not lots, just a few one nighters and some longer term relationships.

And 1 FWB.

I trust her and we are definitely in a relationship.

I just don't want to see these people (even though I am invited to events) as it might make me jealous. However, it might not because I can always think that I am the one she likes now.

So, how to deal with it?

 

I intend to stay friends with one of my exes...but I've never had a FWB and the one nighters I've had are not about any more.

[jerbear]

In a relathionship, there are give and takes.

 

She knows about your feelings, so just leave it at that; it was part of her past and she has to know and act that way.

 

To deal with it, you have to work on it yourself with her help.

 

It may require a counselor to find out what is really behind the causes of potential insecurity.

[livebuzzwords]

why would u tell an ex that u have been in a FWB and one nighters when u know he knows your morals and values - why is it ok to degrade yourself so he feels he hurt u that bad that u would do that [when u haven't] -

 

what is the reason behind all this - its not healthy

 

if i came over would u talk about it - would that help

[matman]

why would u tell an ex that u have been in a FWB and one nighters when u know he knows your morals and values - why is it ok to degrade yourself so he feels he hurt u that bad that u would do that [when u haven't] -

 

what is the reason behind all this - its not healthy

 

if i came over would u talk about it - would that help

 

Not sure I follow you here.

I asked her about her past and she was honest about 1 FWB and a few one nighters with some friends in different groups of friends.

I'm jealous because I know who they are now and I don't want to see them.

[oppath]

A little bit of jealousy and possessiveness are good things but it is a slippery slope. Don't feel it is wrong for you to feel slightly uncomfortable around these people. She is with you, not with them. Being invited to venues where you can meet them is a good thing. She is not hiding your relationship from them nor her friendships from you.

 

You do have to decide what boundaries are appropriate for your relationship. My new boundary is that once I am in a RELATIONSHIP (we are exclusive), my gf can't be hanging out with ex bf's, etc, unless (1) they know about our relationship and (2) I can meet them. As far as I am concerned, if those two things can't happen, because it would be awkward for the ex or hurt their feelings, then she shouldn't be talking to those people to begin with because they aren't capable of a friendship.

 

If your gf is hanging out with these people and you don't ever get to meet them, that is a major problem. I welcome being able to meet a gf's friends -- even ones she was sexually involved with -- because it means she is showing me off saying "look at this guy, he is mine!"

[matman]

she has even talked to these people about me before we became serious so hopefully it's okay.

I think I worry more about her past partners' thoughts rather than hers.

[matman]

If she wants to sleep with others i.e. friends, well she makes friends pretty quickly if she has one nighters. It is her choice on friends, you just have some input. Let her choose her friends and if it really upsets you then let her know.

 

If you can't trust her with one nighters or being friends with ex's then it maybe a deal breaker for you. Are you invited to events or only her? If not then you might be the flavor FWB of the month.

 

Not all relationships are forever closed, sometimes it would be years before no contact is broken.

 

Sorry, I think I didn't explain this well.

She was friends with them for months or years before having a one nighter with them and then nothing again.

[reservoirdog1]

This can be a tough area.

 

I think it depends on the circumstances. From my own situation (and I have a GF), I consider all of these "acceptable" during a relationship, concerning female friends:

 

1) Obviously I'm still in contact with XW, because we have 2 kids. The contact, however, is only about the kids. Nothing more, mostly because I want it that way.

 

2) A woman I've known for 15 years or so as a friend, who I slept with a couple of times (almost 4 years ago) after XW and I split, and who is still part of my social circle.

 

3) A woman I dated briefly and slept with twice, 3.5 years ago, and with whom I then became good platonic friends, who's now married and has a new baby.

 

4) I woman I dated once, no sex, we decided we weren't right romantically for each other, but became good friends.

[matman]

well, one on ones are what bug me.

I don't understand how you could be friends, sleep with them a few times, then go back to being friends but also having one on one meetings like dinner

?

[matman]

My gf is friends with all her ex boyfriends, one night stands, and a FWB.

I have some issues with this although I do trust her.

She says shed rather sleep with friends than randoms, which I can understand but it affects me having to see them about even if it's only once in a while.

Just wondering how to get over my jealousy.

 

I don't worry about the exes so much but I do worry about the one nighters and especially the FWB as these will never be "closed" due to the fact that there was no relationship in the first place.

 

I should qualify this and say it is not lots and it was explained that being single for a while ends up in this situation especially if you haven't had sex in months. I can relate to that though most of my past is on the relationship side of things but I have had some one nighters.

 

Kissing friends can also be an issue though most think it's nothing. I believe it means something even if it's a slight attraction and many years ago.

[matman]

bumpety bump

[Cobra_X30]

well, one on ones are what bug me.

I don't understand how you could be friends, sleep with them a few times, then go back to being friends but also having one on one meetings like dinner

?

 

Um... No GF of mine is going to be having one on one dinners with another guy. I dont care if he is so flaming gay fire shoots out his butt!

 

If this is whats going on you got an issue on your hands! That is MAD disrespectful. Why would she even want to do that??

 

Look its one thing to trust a girl... its something completely different to be a retard about it.

 

What exactly is going on and with who? How often does this behavior occur, and why do you think its mostly innocent?

[matman]

Um... No GF of mine is going to be having one on one dinners with another guy. I dont care if he is so flaming gay fire shoots out his butt!

 

If this is whats going on you got an issue on your hands! That is MAD disrespectful. Why would she even want to do that??

 

Look its one thing to trust a girl... its something completely different to be a retard about it.

 

What exactly is going on and with who? How often does this behavior occur, and why do you think its mostly innocent?

 

And say, both of those one ones are with their exes who have since moved on either have gf's or got married?

[LuminousZ]

My gf is friends with all her ex boyfriends, one night stands, and a FWB.

 

Is her self esteem so low that she requires attention from all the men in her past?

 

I get the feeling she is keeping these guys close for a reason..,

 

Do you want a future with all these guys?

[matman]

It's not all the time, it's every now and again...months even.

No, I don;t want to have to see them all the time but if they are friends, what bad is there in it?

[Cobra_X30]

And say, both of those one ones are with their exes who have since moved on either have gf's or got married?

 

Not even if these guys are both married preacher's. Its not appropriate under any circumstances... especially since they where intimate at one point. Women dont dissasociate sex and emotions like that!

 

Your situation is messed up bro... One guy to another... it sounds like your getting set up to be played!

[LuminousZ]

what bad is there in it?

 

Or another question to ask..., How does having all these EX lovers enhance your relationship with her or your future together?

[matman]

Not even if these guys are both married preacher's. Its not appropriate under any circumstances... especially since they where intimate at one point. Women dont dissasociate sex and emotions like that!

 

Your situation is messed up bro... One guy to another... it sounds like your getting set up to be played!

 

Why in hell would anyone want to do that?

I think women dissasociate sex and emotions more than men do. They are more mature sexually than men and are able to do it.

I agree some girls can't but this is a very generalized statement don't you think?!

 

Or another question to ask..., How does having all these EX lovers enhance your relationship with her or your future together?

 

It doesn't at the moment but it they ARE only friends and I can accept that then it shouldn't make a difference. I just can't accept it at the moment.

I would want to be friends with some of my exes.

[Cobra_X30]

It's not all the time, it's every now and again...months even.

No, I don;t want to have to see them all the time but if they are friends, what bad is there in it?

 

If your not comfortable with it put your foot down! Its messed up and disrespectful! Look group settings are cool... One on one datenights=Bad.

 

What bad is there in it... well its going to eat you up for one. Two it puts you in the position where if she ever feels like your not giving her enough... bam she can get her swerve on with an Ex FWB.

[Cobra_X30]

Why in hell would anyone want to do that?

I think women dissasociate sex and emotions more than men do. They are more mature sexually than men and are able to do it.

I agree some girls can't but this is a very generalized statement don't you think?!

 

Yeah, I'm not going to argue with you.

 

If your comfortable with it... fine. But it would put fire in my belly!

 

Hey look up some posts by ARDriver! Same situation!

[LuminousZ]

Cobra sums it up best...,

 

it puts you in the position where if she ever feels like your not giving her enough... bam she can get her swerve on with an Ex FWB.

 

What's gonna stop her from "performing" with the FWB again in the very near future??

[matman]

You'd have to be pretty untrusting to think that?!

Especially if all these other people are involved with SOs anyway.

[loveinlife]

Hey Mat,

 

I understand your frustration, i would feel the same exact way... I don't think i can be with someone who still sleeps around and be in a exclusive relationship with. Too much drama and headache... basically why do we stay in relationships, to me its to share something special with someone and not with anyone else... good luck to you bro, you deserve that kind of respect and love from someone.