Why do I allow him to do this to me?

[Roxanne]

Tim & I have known each other for 4 years. I am 32, he's 28. I have two children from a previous marriage. The very first time I saw him I took a double take and I knew that I was going to be with him. I love him very much. We lived together for the whole year 1998. Last January, I began to nag him about going out with his friends all the time and leaving me at home, and basically not including me in any aspect of his life. Suddenly, he moved out and moved into his buddies house who had just broken up with his wife as well. Since that time, we have continued to see each other. Actually, it is more about sex than anything else. He is the best sexual partner I have ever had, and I can not imagine myself having sex with anyone else...ever. When we are in bed together, he talks about marriage, babies, and us buying a house, etc. Then on the weekends I don't hear from him. He also sees his exgirlfriend, his first love. He tries to tell me that he is not sleeping with her and that they are just friends, although he has gone away with her for the weekend on two different occassions that I know of. On both occassions, there were a few other people that went with them.

 

I never ever call him. The only time I pick up the phone is to return his call, but I do sit around, wait, and hope that he calls. And wait and hope that he wants to have a real relationship with me. It has been a full year now that we have been apart. I am a very pretty girl, I have a new job that is exciting, I have a cute apartment, and great friends. But I am still unable to let go of my feelings for him, knowing that all he is doing is using me and making me look like an ass. My New Year's resolution is to close that door for good, but don't think I am going to keep it.

[elizabeth]

hello,

 

ive read your message. jusr hearing about your situation makes me feel bad. i believe i may have been in a similar place myself. because of that, i know how hard it is to end it even though you seem to know it's not quite right. when you do find the strength to move on - i promise you there are some wonderful experiences out there with other , more committed men. be strong, and know that when it's right, you will find a better place for yourself. best of luck and happy new year.

Tim & I have known each other for 4 years. I am 32, he's 28. I have two children from a previous marriage. The very first time I saw him I took a double take and I knew that I was going to be with him. I love him very much. We lived together for the whole year 1998. Last January, I began to nag him about going out with his friends all the time and leaving me at home, and basically not including me in any aspect of his life. Suddenly, he moved out and moved into his buddies house who had just broken up with his wife as well. Since that time, we have continued to see each other. Actually, it is more about sex than anything else. He is the best sexual partner I have ever had, and I can not imagine myself having sex with anyone else...ever. When we are in bed together, he talks about marriage, babies, and us buying a house, etc. Then on the weekends I don't hear from him. He also sees his exgirlfriend, his first love. He tries to tell me that he is not sleeping with her and that they are just friends, although he has gone away with her for the weekend on two different occassions that I know of. On both occassions, there were a few other people that went with them.

 

I never ever call him. The only time I pick up the phone is to return his call, but I do sit around, wait, and hope that he calls. And wait and hope that he wants to have a real relationship with me. It has been a full year now that we have been apart. I am a very pretty girl, I have a new job that is exciting, I have a cute apartment, and great friends. But I am still unable to let go of my feelings for him, knowing that all he is doing is using me and making me look like an ass. My New Year's resolution is to close that door for good, but don't think I am going to keep it.

[Tigerlily]

I've been in a similar situation myself and it hurts heaps, right? Deep down when (for whatever irrational, obscure reasons), we love the one we know we shouldn't, it's this continual push/pull, almost love/hate relationship we have we them. And for the most part, we hate ourselves for loving them. But don't worry yourself unnecessarily...as corny as this sounds, you do get over these types of mostly unhealthy relationships. I want to be gentle with you because I respect your feelings, and, well, it's that time of year. But, I think you need the truth from me rather than a softer, fuzzier bunch of bull. He's using you hon. He's manipulating the love you feel for him and getting what HE wants. The classic, but very tired, "have his cake and eat it too" selfishness that so many men, (oops, I mean people), abuse. Get tougher Roxanne. Again, deep down you know this is not right; you know he is being selfish and inconsiderate; and you have already admitted to yourself that you want to close the door on him, AND this relationship. Yes, it's hard...it's hard anytime we know we need to say a permanent goodbye to someone. Yes, you'll be tempted to continue contact with him if and/or when you do finally close that door. But you know you'll be better off. Don't do what I did and live for years in misery and frustration. Please, think enough of YOURSELF, and save yourself from such unnecessary heartache, because you also know that if you keep him in your life in ANY capacity, that's all you'll get for your troubles. Come on girl...BE STRONG, and MOVE ON WITHOUT HIM. Eventually you'll feel this weight of gloom and yukky feelings just lift off your shoulders...and like me, one day you'll wake up feeling wonderfully peaceful again. Believe me, the long-term peace of mind is well worth a reasonably short period of longing and sadness. I now sincerely ask myself, what in heaven's name did I ever see in that guy?. I wouldn't take him back now...for anything. It's fabulously freeing. All the best to you Roxanne, and good luck!!

Tim & I have known each other for 4 years. I am 32, he's 28. I have two children from a previous marriage. The very first time I saw him I took a double take and I knew that I was going to be with him. I love him very much. We lived together for the whole year 1998. Last January, I began to nag him about going out with his friends all the time and leaving me at home, and basically not including me in any aspect of his life. Suddenly, he moved out and moved into his buddies house who had just broken up with his wife as well. Since that time, we have continued to see each other. Actually, it is more about sex than anything else. He is the best sexual partner I have ever had, and I can not imagine myself having sex with anyone else...ever. When we are in bed together, he talks about marriage, babies, and us buying a house, etc. Then on the weekends I don't hear from him. He also sees his exgirlfriend, his first love. He tries to tell me that he is not sleeping with her and that they are just friends, although he has gone away with her for the weekend on two different occassions that I know of. On both occassions, there were a few other people that went with them.

 

I never ever call him. The only time I pick up the phone is to return his call, but I do sit around, wait, and hope that he calls. And wait and hope that he wants to have a real relationship with me. It has been a full year now that we have been apart. I am a very pretty girl, I have a new job that is exciting, I have a cute apartment, and great friends. But I am still unable to let go of my feelings for him, knowing that all he is doing is using me and making me look like an ass. My New Year's resolution is to close that door for good, but don't think I am going to keep it.

[Trent]

Tim & I have known each other for 4 years. I am 32, he's 28. I have two children from a previous marriage. The very first time I saw him I took a double take and I knew that I was going to be with him. I love him very much. We lived together for the whole year 1998. Last January, I began to nag him about going out with his friends all the time and leaving me at home, and basically not including me in any aspect of his life. Suddenly, he moved out and moved into his buddies house who had just broken up with his wife as well. Since that time, we have continued to see each other. Actually, it is more about sex than anything else. He is the best sexual partner I have ever had, and I can not imagine myself having sex with anyone else...ever. When we are in bed together, he talks about marriage, babies, and us buying a house, etc. Then on the weekends I don't hear from him. He also sees his exgirlfriend, his first love. He tries to tell me that he is not sleeping with her and that they are just friends, although he has gone away with her for the weekend on two different occassions that I know of. On both occassions, there were a few other people that went with them.

 

I never ever call him. The only time I pick up the phone is to return his call, but I do sit around, wait, and hope that he calls. And wait and hope that he wants to have a real relationship with me. It has been a full year now that we have been apart. I am a very pretty girl, I have a new job that is exciting, I have a cute apartment, and great friends. But I am still unable to let go of my feelings for him, knowing that all he is doing is using me and making me look like an ass. My New Year's resolution is to close that door for good, but don't think I am going to keep it.

 

Your story sound very similar to my own. I recently broke up with my girlfriend after 2 1/2 years. This was definitely the love of my life. Marriage, children, and family were definitely part of my future. I've recently sat down to read a book called "Love must be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson. The main message that I found in the book is that if you really want things to work out as a couple, you must be tough. It takes everything that you have but you have to be strong, stand up to your SO and tell him that your feelings have changed. You still love him and want him to be happy, but you are going to focus on your own happiness, and you're not sure wether that will involve a future with him.

 

Then you must not be predictable. He will assume that you are always going to be there for him, and you want to be. But you must not give in to his needs every time. Please be strong about this, for it is your best chance of having a future with him.

 

I am in the same boat as you right now and having friends to talk to can help. Good luck.