here I go again

[annabelle75]

Sigh ………. I am all tied up into knots today. I have been like this for the past week and can’t seem to shake it. If you are not familiar with my story I had a friendship with a man younger than me for over 2 years. After much convincing I finally gave him a chance and started dating him. It was great for about 3 months until he suddenly dumped me. I had fallen really hard for him and it devastated me. Well not long after the break up I had moved on and just sort of turned off the feelings I had. He then came back around and wanted to strike up a friendship. I was reluctant at first but allowed it. Over the last few months the friendship has grown and has now become more than a friendship. It is a LDR, so I haven’t actually seen him in person since before the break up and next month I have a trip planned where I will be seeing him. He planned most of the trip for me and really pushed to see me.

 

At first things started out with him being mushy and wanting to talk to me all the time like when we were dating. In the last week it has suddenly come to kind of a halt. He still talks to me but the conversations seem hollow and forced and beyond the occasional sexual innuendo there isn’t any sort of intimacy implied. Its really starting to bother me. I’m OK with things slowing down for a bit but its been over a week and I just feel like he’s losing interest AGAIN! How can that be? Why does he keep pushing to see me, only to back off once I give in?

 

I could be completely overreacting, but something just seems off. Our once nightly conversations have now become every other night and only last like 10 minutes. He always says he’s tired and needs to go to bed. But on the other hand he’s still expressing interest and even got really upset last week when I misunderstood something he said and almost cancelled the trip. He called and emailed me repeatedly for hours until I finally talked to him. He was all panicky and made me promise not to cancel. What is he doing?

 

I have to be honest and say that we’ve never had “the talk.” Since I let him back in we haven’t discussed what are relationship is now. Although I like to be as upfront as possible, it seemed my straightforwardness made him feel pressured last time. I don’t want to do that again. But at the same time, I don’t want to invest myself in him anymore than I have if he is just looking at our trip as some sort of weekend tryst and isn’t serious about wanting to be with me.

 

I just can’t get a read on the situation. I don’t know if something is really wrong or if I am just so afraid of him hurting me again I’m reading too much into everything. I need some advice before I do something stupid like break things off or go ahead and sleep with him without him wanting to really be back together. Sigh.

[Lizzie60]

If I were you, I wouldn't go there... You still have too much emotions going on for him...

 

Dump him for good before he dumps you again... because trust me... he will.

 

My guess is that he is using you when he gets lonely... he might have second guesses now that the trip is imminent.

 

If I were you, I wouldn't go and I would end the whole thing.

 

I know it's easy for me to say...but this is the feeling I have from your post.

 

Trust your 'little voice'...

 

How old are you? What's the age gap?

[annabelle75]

I'm 31 and he's 25.

 

Sigh ........ part of me is saying the exact same thing. Run now before he hurts me again. Another part of me hopes that he is "the one."

 

5 minute update: Just after I posted this he sends me an email (I'm still at work) asking what happened to me today. We were chatting via email this morning (like we do everyday) and he kept giving short little responses .....so I assumed he wasn't in the mood to chat so I stopped emailing him. I've been getting this impression from him alot lately as if I am nagging him for attention by chatting like we usually do. So I stopped and decided to give him a little space.

 

So ..... after asking if anything was wrong he then infromed me he upgraded my hotel room for the trip to a suite. Sigh.

 

Do I just tell him he didn't seem to want to chat so I decided not to keep nagging him or do I take this as an opportunity to initiate "the talk"? I'm just afraid that may be too much pressure considering we haven't even seen each other yet.

[trendyaznchica]

I would tell him just that he didn't seem interested in talking, so you figured he didn't want to. I would save "the talk" for later. The "talk" part of the talk is important, but you can tell so much by body language and facial expressions (eye contact) if you have the talk in person.

[annabelle75]

I would tell him just that he didn't seem interested in talking, so you figured he didn't want to. I would save "the talk" for later. The "talk" part of the talk is important, but you can tell so much by body language and facial expressions (eye contact) if you have the talk in person.

 

Thats kind of what I have been thinking. I should wait and talk to him in person. I'm afraid of getting scared and freaking out becasue I don't have all the answers I want right now. I am going on the trip whether he is there or not, so i might as well wait and see what he has to say.

 

I emailed him back and let him know he didn't seem to want to talk so I was giving him some space. I got an email back from him immediately, but it only was in response to the part of the email where I thanked him for the suite and said I hoped it wasn't any trouble.

 

For my own sanity I think I just need to back off and let him contact me when he feels like talking. Feeling like I am in this tug of war is not good. If he really does want me back he is going to have to work for it. If he doesn't make the effort I know I'll know his heart wasn't really into it.

[trendyaznchica]

To help you with letting him come to you and not chasing after him, you could try to keep a tally of the number of times you contact him vs. the number of times he contacts you starting say, now. I did this with my ex-boyfriend, and it really made me realize how little effort he was contributing to the relationship. The more times you contact him, the more power you give him.

 

And I completely understand what you mean about being scared that you'll freeze since you don't know the answers. But if you did know the answers, you wouldn't be having the talk. It's scary, but to make yourself happy and give you the answers, even if they suck, you have to do it. Just breathe deep and keep your head straight.