Ex keeps text messaging...

[heartoutside]

So for the past week, after a good 2 weeks of solid NC my ex has been contacting me via text message. The odd thing is it all started when she and I saw each other for the first time in 2 months. And the things she starts off saying in the texts are just odd things to ask about. I've already talked about in out peoples threads but thought I would start my own (I don't want to jack someone else's thread). The first time she contacted me she asked if I had seen her college idea. I didn't reply until I got home from work that night, and then we sent messages back and forth. I didn't ask or say anything stupid just friend stuff like asked about our cat. She then asked how I was doing and I told her I was ok, just tired. I left the conversation with her getting the last reply.

 

Then while I was out saturday night with a buddie watching the football game before a night of bar hop'n, I get a text from her. I thought it was another friend asking what I was up too, but to my shock it was her. She was asking how our plant was doing. (A plant a friend gave to us for xmas this past year). Who asks how a plant is doing....isn't there anything better to ask about...? Again I ddin't reply until I got home becasue I was out and didn't want to get sucked into it. She didn't reply to my reply, but did the next day when she got off work. Again we text a few times back and forth until about 11. Again she asked how I was doing, and I asked the same of her. We both said we were ok, and she said she was really tired. (If she was so tired why text me at 11 at night!?).

 

I don't want to read too much into it. I'm in a good place right now (in terms of my mind set). I don't get depressed any more, I'm going to gym every day, I'm enjoying my friends and being myself. But I love her and I don't know what to make of her contact. I don't want to rush anything or push anything on her and I won't.

 

We saw each again today at work. I got called in for a last min shift and didn't know her schedule had been changed. She used to work on mondays in the evening, but now she works all day monday. But I ran into her this morning and I said hey and I think she said hi back, but I couldn't hear her if she did. And then when I left for the day, I saw her again while she was working with another co-worker so I said "see you guys later." The one co-worker said "see ya (nickname)" while my ex didn't say anything. Was that too friendly of me?! To aloof?

[CaliGuy]

Reply to every 3rd or 4th text (or not at all if it makes you feel better).

 

You're a busy man, right? YES YOU ARE. You've got very little time for her. Make sure she knows that. Not by words, but actions.

 

Keep on the path you're on. You're a lot stronger than you realize.

 

Cheers.

[heartoutside]

If I don't reply I feel worse actually. Because then the mystery is even worse if that makes any sense....if I don't reply then I feel like I"m not doing anything, I'm just sitting on my hands and letting her go even further....

[CaliGuy]

If I don't reply I feel worse actually. Because then the mystery is even worse if that makes any sense....if I don't reply then I feel like I"m not doing anything, I'm just sitting on my hands and letting her go even further....

 

If it makes you feel worse, it's because you're letting your happiness be dictated by her. The minute you break free from that ill-conceived notion, the sooner you'll be happy.

 

Never, ever let your happiness depend on another for it will surely lead to disappointment. The only person you can depend on to make you happy is yourself. And that is just a matter of deciding to take control over your emotions (not the other way around).

 

Who cares what her calls are about. She's the one who ended it. Let her lie in the bed she made. Again, you are far, far too busy to worry about her.

 

Right?

 

Right!

[heartoutside]

I shouldn't say it makes me feel worse if I don't reply, it makes me wonder. If I ignore her, esp after all that we've gone through the past 2 month, I would be a fool. I mean, if you told me a month ago, or even 3 weeks ago that she would contact me like this, I wouldn't believe it. This is how our relationship got started way back when. She was too shy to call me at first (shy maybe the wrong word), so she would always send me little weird text messages and we would text back and forth.

 

When we first took a break, I may have felt that way, that all my happiness hinged upon her, that's why I couldn't take her texting me all the time when we first broke up. Now, it's different to say the least....

[CaliGuy]

I shouldn't say it makes me feel worse if I don't reply, it makes me wonder. If I ignore her, esp after all that we've gone through the past 2 month, I would be a fool. I mean, if you told me a month ago, or even 3 weeks ago that she would contact me like this, I wouldn't believe it. This is how our relationship got started way back when. She was too shy to call me at first (shy maybe the wrong word), so she would always send me little weird text messages and we would text back and forth.

 

When we first took a break, I may have felt that way, that all my happiness hinged upon her, that's why I couldn't take her texting me all the time when we first broke up. Now, it's different to say the least....

 

 

I don't want to read too much into it. I'm in a good place right now (in terms of my mind set). I don't get depressed any more, I'm going to gym every day, I'm enjoying my friends and being myself.

 

This is what you should be focusing on. Not her, but you.

[heartoutside]

Caliguy man, I appreciate the advice and I know your just giving tough love maybe. But basically you keep giving me the same answer. It seems like your tune won't change (for my situation at least) until she and I are back together. And not I'm saying that will happen, but if I don't try how will I know? I haven't put up much of a fight, I went right into NC after she asked for a break, and we talked a few times afterwards, but I never ever begged (I did look weak at some points).

 

I"m just wondering if I should send her a text after all the contact she has initiated in the past week? I'm going on another vacation this weekend, and last time I went on a vacation I didn't tell her, and she flipped out, felt I was hiding it from her.

 

Any suggestions?

[CaliGuy]

Caliguy man, I appreciate the advice and I know your just giving tough love maybe.

 

Tough love is a good thing. It shows people that they can not take you for granted. It teaches you to love and respect yourself. It makes men out of boys. Not saying you're a boy, just giving you some examples.

 

But basically you keep giving me the same answer. It seems like your tune won't change (for my situation at least) until she and I are back together.

 

From all the post on LS and all the life experiences of others, it seems that ex's rarely want you back until you have truly moved on. And most of the time when we reach that point we don't want our ex's back because once our self-respect and self-confidence is back to healthy levels, our vision becomes 20/20 and we realize that person is not good for us.

 

And not I'm saying that will happen, but if I don't try how will I know?

 

The harder you fight to win and ex back the more damage you do and in actuality, the lesser your chances are of success. In order for an ex to truly want to come back, it has to happen on their own accord. There's nothing you can say or do to "win" their hearts back. That is something only they can do on their own.

 

This is why second chances rarely work. It's because the one who wants it ends up subconsciously manipulating their ex. If your ex isn't 100% committed to making things work, it won't work. You need both people working at 100% for ANY relationship to work.

 

I haven't put up much of a fight, I went right into NC after she asked for a break, and we talked a few times afterwards, but I never ever begged (I did look weak at some points).

 

So you understand that if she even remotely thinks of you as weak or soft, the more you talk to her the more you reinforce that belief, correct? If you want her to see the strong, confident you, then live your life to fullest and don't give her a second thought.

 

I"m just wondering if I should send her a text after all the contact she has initiated in the past week? I'm going on another vacation this weekend, and last time I went on a vacation I didn't tell her, and she flipped out, felt I was hiding it from her.

 

Any suggestions?

 

Yep.

 

Go on your vacation, have a great time and don't reply to any of her messages. Stop putting any focus on her and keep it on you and your healing. You have NO OBLIGATION to her whatsoever. The minute she broke up with you she gave up any right to know your whereabouts or your welfare. That's part of tough love. She can not break up with you and then expect to stay in your life. At least not in the capacity she was before.

 

People are insatiable beast. We want what we can not have then when we finally get it, we don't want it anymore. She is the one who has to earn your love, respect and trust. That certainly won't happen if you are catering to her every whim and replying to all her messages.

 

Let her stew and wonder about you.

 

The less information you give her, the less interactions you have, the more she will wonder, the more she will reminisce and the greater the chances she will have a change of heart. I am not saying it WILL happen. But you can not screw up if you aren't around, you know what I mean?

 

Let her wonder about you. If she truly regrets her decision and wants you back, neither hell or high water will stop her from contacting you. And the only time you should listen, if at all, is if she confesses to making a grave mistake and wants to try again.

 

And even then you will need to start the relationship all over again, like you are dating a new person. I'm not saying "make her pay", I am simply saying that trust and respect is earned over time, through deeds and actions. Not words.

 

Cheers.

[wwjd]

from your posts i gather that you want to get back together with her. is that correct?

 

if so, and if she was the one who broke up the relationship, then you need to let her come to you. don't think that this is a game or anything because it's not, really. it just makes sense that if she was the one who ran for the hills, then she is the one who needs to come back down because if you run up there with her, she might just kick you off. and that, my friend, and unnecessary heartache brought on by rejection.

 

her text messages seem to be a vague attempt to reestablish communication, as well as a safe way (for her) to "test the waters," as they say. by you replying courteously, she is getting the impression that you are willing to talk as well as the assurance that you have not yet forgotten her.

 

i think that you need to readily decide whether you want her back or not, nothing in between. if you decide that you want the chance of perhaps having a relationship with her again, then i'd suggest that you keep on replying to her text messages in the same tone she sends her, when you can. after some text chatting, i think you should step up and ask her if there is any particular motive behind her unusual questions.

 

this is not meant to be confrontational or anything like it, but it is meant to clear things, so as to keep you safe more heartache if she just happens to not have reconciliation in mind. remind yourself that it is unfair to you to be left in the dark as to her real intentions. so, while i think that, if you want another chance with her, you ought to casually chat some more, i don't think you should let it string along too far, for your own sake.

 

if, on the other hand, you think that the turbulences are not worth it, then you need to call her and tell her to kindly leave you alone because you are uninterested in superficial and meaningless talk.

 

i understand you completely on the feeling of "what if." i think that is one of the hardest things to deal with: "what if this, that if that." however, you need to realize that a lot of times those "what if's" do not give an accurate portrayal of reality. for example, you remember this:

 

This is how our relationship got started way back when. She was too shy to call me at first (shy maybe the wrong word), so she would always send me little weird text messages and we would text back and forth.

 

just because your relationship began similarly to the way things are playing out now does not mean that the outcome will be the same. just because she is texting you does not mean she wants to get back together. it might, but there is no guarantee. and while it's understandable that you want to see where this leads, you need to be fully aware that it can lead to that which you want or to more heartache.

 

a lot of times we sit and reminisce of better days, of days where love was so strong you could physically feel its presence, only to proceed to think about the precise moment when things went awry, and to speculate, wondering "what if i had...". feeling and thinking this way is common, but is not always advisable. realize that even if you had the opportunity to go back and materialize those "what if's" it doesn't necessarily mean that things would have evolved in a better way than they are now. and honestly, sometimes finding out is just not worth it.

 

so, all in all, look into your heart. figure out what *you* want and decide if you are willing to take a plunge that may or may not have a safety net.

 

good luck!

[heartoutside]

WWJD: Yeah, I've thought about it a ton, my love for her and such....there were times where I didn't want to get back together. Where I trullly felt it would be best, but that didn't last long. I Love her, plain and simple. There is no beating around the bush and I've told her there can be no friendship, it has to be either a relationship, or nothing. As for the text messages, I have no idea what they mean. It's just that in the past month, she has gotten horribly mad at me for 1: her thinking I was trying to hide my trip to south america (a trip she and I had talked about but could never afford, my brother paid for this trip) 2: Asking her to get her things out our apartment nicely after the first of this past month, after she has said on several occasions that her things would be out on such and such day, it took her over a month to get her things out, and even then I had to get the last remaining things and drive them to our friends house...After both of these events, esp the 2nd one I thought I would never hear from her again, and that's when I started to feel that maybe it was for the best, but that didn't last the afternoon because that afternoon she ended up texting, and then calling that evening.

 

 

So far, she hasn't texted since sunday. Who knows. She may be expecting me to respond some how. She seemed very uncomfortable on monday when I saw her.

 

The question is do I text her at all? Or just let her text me?

 

Caliguy: It's kind of a double edge sword. Sure, by not doing anything I can't "screw" things up...but then again, but not doing anything I maybe screwing things up. It would be one thing if she didn't contact me at all...if she was just out of my life and made no attempt to contact me. But even after getting mad at me TWICE (for no just reason really) and feeling that she would surely not be in contact with me after that, she still has continued to contact me. It's a thin line I have to walk.....and I understand the WHOLE idea of she made the choice of leaving our relationship, but who would I be if I didn't try...it's a 2 way street. Not always. I've been dumped by ladies before, and I know when it's a one way street

[heartoutside]

I was going to send a text to her tonight. I know she won't be going out tonight because she has to work tomorrow. I read in a link to another posting that it's a good idea to sometimes attempt some contact, but only to show that you are still interested. I"m not sure if I want to go that route. Caliguy I know your answer The route I should be taking is the route for myself. That's a hard route to take when I keep seeing "signs."

 

I'm sure this will pass. I know I won't send it, I guess I'm just writing on here rather then to her.......who knows....

[CaliGuy]

and I understand the WHOLE idea of she made the choice of leaving our relationship, but who would I be if I didn't try...i

 

A man learning self-respect for one.

A man learning that you can not FORCE someone to love you.

 

She hasn't really made any effort whatsoever to reconcile. It seems to me, at least on the surface, that she's throwing table scraps on the floor and you're pouncing on them.

 

If you have even the slightest amount of love and respect for yourself, you won't bite.

 

I know it's hard in your position to hear and heed this advice. But take it from me and many others who have been in your shoes.

 

If she wants you, she will make it VERY clear. In the meantime, go live your life and don't return the calls or text. She is simply fishing for your attention to make sure you're on the hook, when and IF she ever decides she wants it.

 

If that's the way you want to live your life, by all means do what you feel is necessary. Advice here is worth what it cost you to receive it.

 

Cheers!

[CaliGuy]

Caliguy I know your answer The route I should be taking is the route for myself. That's a hard route to take when I keep seeing "signs."

 

I'm not so sure these are signs as much as they are flags. Red flags, to be exact.

 

Do you think, perhaps, that you just might be seeing things for what you want them to be and not what they really are?

 

Brother, I've been there. I have a good idea of what you're going through. Wish I had listened to the same advice I am giving you now back then.

[AriaIncognito]

I know you dont want to listen to CaliGuy, but to be honest, you should. He's right.

 

I've been doing as CaliGuy says and trying to learn to be happy for myself and not let my happiness depend on having a relationship. It's hard, I won't lie, but it's better than becoming codependent on a relationship. And it's certainly better than letting some ex throw crumbs at me while I eagerly eat them up.

 

I should note that I've been NC with the ex since the end of May. not a since ounce of contact. And I'm getting better. I don't wake up wondering about him and dont go to sleep wondering about him. Sure, he pops into my mind, but nowhere near as frequently as before.

 

You and I are worth MUCH MORE than just crumbs. We deserve the entire cake.

 

Don't settle for less.

[Lyssa]

I"m just wondering if I should send her a text after all the contact she has initiated in the past week? I'm going on another vacation this weekend, and last time I went on a vacation I didn't tell her, and she flipped out, felt I was hiding it from her.

 

Any suggestions?

 

I'm sorry you're in this situation but I can assure you, it will pass.

 

You shouldn't have to tell her about the vacation because you're no longer seeing each other. So, what's the point? You have your own life now and so does she. Live yours to the fullest and let her live hers.

[heartoutside]

Thanks for the advice I guess. ariawoman I'm not sure what your situation is with your break up, and I'm not sure if you know mine. BUt let me ask you guys something. Should I not react to a text message that says "hi" with a winking smilie face from out of the blue?

 

I know I can't force her to love me, I'm not a fool. YOu don't see me sending her flowers, or doing any stupid "movie" stuns (standing outside her condo with a boom box, or any number of John Cusack moves). If anything, I've handle things as well as could be handle considering the past stress. And I'll say it again. I did NC from the start......I'm still doing it. I may have broken it twice in the past 2 months.....I think we are just beating a dead horse here....I know she isn't the end of the world, and I certainly don't depend upon her for meaning in my life or of my worth. I know I"m independent of her and her relationship...But that doesn't stop me from loving her...and wanting to try.

[101NEO]

Heartoutside,

 

i've been chatting with you and letting you know my situation a little here and there as well as gettign to know yours.

 

I did just the opposite of what everyone else is telling you and things are starting to work out for me. However she didn't want to have me out of her life in the first place, as she says she was just unhappy with some of the circumstances in our situation and she wanted me to be a bigger, stronger man about some things.

 

now we aren't back together but we are taking it slow. we hang out a couple of times a week and see how it feels. I'm loving it, she's liking it. her explaination for just "liking" it is that she's scared that things might get all fouled up again. but we have talked about all the things that went wrong for us and we are slowly putting it back together.

 

one thing i do agree with the others in the post on is that you need to almost force yourself to move on and when she sees that, you start to tickle her jealousy button. not that you want to make her jealous, even though you probably in some way do, but you just migth see that maybe you've lost some feeling for her and maybe you don't want her back. if you do end up wanting her, and everything about her and you, then tickle that jealousy button. thus making her realize that she's about to lose you. especially if she hasn't found someone else. same thing happened for me. i decided to just move on and say "to hell with her, i don't need her, she's totally replaceable."

 

once i did that i met a couple of absolutely gorgeous women who i had lots and lots of fun with. i asked one to go to six flags with me and when the ex found out, she freaked, and invited herself. now i fell sucker to that one and cancelled with the new girl so i can take my ex. huge mistake. should have told her sorry, i have someone going already. on top of that i never ended up going to six flags because my ex and i got into a slight arguement, i think because she wasn't very happy about me going out with another girl. so i called six flags off to avoid an arguement.

 

so what i'm saying is that you have to do what's good for you. what you feel in your heart and in your gut. for me, walking away was an option but not an option i wanted to explore. at least not quite yet. right as i was about to, is when she said maybe we can do this.

[heartoutside]

I don't know what to really think right now? But caliguy, I would have to say in a sense you are right. I have to just let her be, and if she wants to realize that she made a mistake then SHE has to make that realization. The thing that is driving me nutz right now, is over the past 2 months, there have been several situations where I seriously thought she would never talk to me again. Not that I did anything wrong, but just based on her reaction, I felt that she was done, she hated me or whatever. But then this ****. The text message'n every other day or so with stupid random questions as an excuse to start a conversation. Adding my best friends wife to her facebook page a few days ago (when they have both been on face book for over a year). I mean, when is she going to talk or see my friends wife.

 

I had a talk with my good friend, who happens to be a good friend of my ex (only this friend I can trust won't tell my ex what I've said or asked). But I told her about what my ex has done this past week with the texts. And her simple answer was, "she's ****ing with you." I"m not sure if she is, I'm not sure what she is doing. But I know for sure that I won't text her again....not for now...and again this is the hard part....is she ****ing with me, or is she trying to reach out.....my gut wants to say she is reaching out, but I'm hearing everyone say that she's just messing with you, or she's just making sure you're still there....on the hook. It's a hard line to tow. I know I love her, even after all the **** she's put me through. That's the funny part, you would think that I would hate her even more after this, but for some reason, even though i know she isn't the end of the world, I still want her in my life, and I still love her.

 

And I just want to say, I would like to walk away. At times i felt I could, but I feel that some how I need to try harder or fight harder....that I walked away from the beginning and I never really fought the real fight....

[birdie]

sorry if you have already mentioned this but why did you two break up? that should sort of help you figure out whether you should fight or flight. I understand that you love her but do you think that the two of you are compatible?

[heartoutside]

Compatible, YES. That is what makes this so hard, and so strange. She and I were the BEST of FRIENDS. We did everything together, and loved doing everything together. Shopping (food and clothes), cooking, cleaning, movies....just everything. That's what makes this hard.

 

There was no reason, it was out of the blue, out of no where. Which is why I kind of forced her to say we're breaking up. I was so blind sided by the whole thing when she told me that I didn't know how to react. That morning she made me breakfast, she then went out for coffee with her good girlfriend and actually called me up because she forgot her wallet and needed me to drive it down to her. I did, she gave me a big kiss and said I love you. Then she came home and said we need to talk, I need a break, I'm confused....etc etc.

 

We had a great relationship, best friends, did everything for each other. We may have fought once in a blue moon. The only thing that I can think that freaked her out was 2 things. One, in the week leading up to our break up, I was out of town, and her father came to stay with us. He's a drug addict, or was and hasn't been in her life as a father for sometime. She's lived on her own since she was 15 and her mother left her in a shopping cart at the store when she was 4 and hasn't seen her since. Anyway, her father came to stay and while he was here he opened up to her and started crying about this lady he fell in love with and she broke his heart. I'm not sure if something he said freaked her out or what, but that weekend she said she needed a break.

Two: Things had kind of gotten into a routine. But not a bad one, just a routine. Maybe in hindsight not a good thing, but maybe that helped. She's in college (she's 24) so maybe she just wants to have fun...I don't know.....

 

But there was nothing that lead to our breakup that I know of. There is no other guy, I didn't beat her. We loved each other very much....and everyone was just as shocked when this happened as I was.

[CaliGuy]

But there was nothing that lead to our breakup that I know of. There is no other guy, I didn't beat her. We loved each other very much....and everyone was just as shocked when this happened as I was.

 

Follow the plan we discussed. She's young and yes, probably confused. But if you try and force her back to you it will only serve to push her away.

 

Time and lots of it, away from you, is about the only thing that will truly change her mind. What you need to do in the interim is focus on yourself and your healing so that if a second chance arises you'll be confident enough in yourself not to make any rash mistakes.

 

I think you're doing fine. You're stronger than you realize.

[niceguy27]

wow....I cant believe I didnt see this one earlier. I am having the EXACT same thing go on. Same age, everything. Except for the dad part. She hit me out of the blue also by dropping this bomb. Says to everyone she has the greatest boyfriend, hes amazing, etc. Have a wonderful relationship. No reason to end it.

 

She then proceeded to say she needs time to "appreciate me" and "realize" what she has. So we are on this break thing. I am praying its only for a month or so. We have never been apart that long before and am hoping that maybe she honestly does need her space.

 

Man, it sure does help to talk to you guys about this.

[heartoutside]

Niceguy, let me just point out something. Just because our situations are similar or appear the same might make it easier for us to relate in terms of the pain or the loss. But, what I've learned on here is that is where the similarities end. When it comes to the out come, or how we should react, our situations are totally different and will be totally different because we're not dating the same person (at least I hope we're not ). So just remember that every situation is different no matter how much they look alike on the surface. You need to do what is right for you and your situation, but you've also have to be prepared for what may happen to you. The only thing you can really worry about is yourself right now, and focus on that. You're more important right now.....

[heartoutside]

I returned from another vacation and some how I kind of feel worse. When I left, I was doing great, I felt like life would easily move on. But this weekend kind of changed things. I realized that I really do love my ex, and I really do miss everything about her, even after all the crap she's put me through the past 2 months.

 

On Sunday, the 2nd day at the beach (3rd day from home), I sent her a text. I know I shouldn't have but I did. I just asked how her party went the night before. I hardly had any cell service, which I didn't realize at the time. So I sent the text and went out and had fun. I left my phone in the house and didn't check it until midnight or so. Still no text. But I walked 3 ft and wham, my phone blows up with 2 texts. The first from her sayin "it was fun, how is you?" Since I didn't have any service and didn't reply, she sent a 2nd text saying ok,well i hope you're doing well.

 

I didn't reply until the next day, I say I'm fine and I ask how she's doing and I tell her that I have no cell service. I also ask is she's still going to our friends labor day party. She replies 15 mins later telling me that she has school on tuesday, weds and sometimes on friday, glad to hear things are good (Which I never said). I reply a little later saying, ok, well how are you doing? And she writes back she's good and at our friends party. Then later that night she sends me another text asking me if I can do her a favor, if I know if I still have her school planner saved to my desktop. She knows I'm out of town because I told her I wasn't going to the party because I would be out of town, so i'm not sure why she asked me that. I would have no clue. I don't reply to it, because I don't know and I'm having a good time.

 

The next morning I send her a goodluck on school text because it was the first day. She writes back thanks, for the encouragment! I appreciate it!

 

So that was my weekend. I had a goodtime, but coming back was tough. Everything seemed to remind me of her even more now. The train ride back from the airport (which went right by her new place), sitting at the airport like she and I would always do on our trips. It all reminded me of her and how much I really do miss her.

 

I had a talk with all my friends wives while on sititng on the beach. I told them the whole story and they all think I should just sit her down and have another talk with her. Tell her that she has to either be in my life or out of it. They also think I'll be back at the beach next summer with her. I'm not so sure.........

 

I'm not really sure what road to take?!?

 

I mean why would she send me her school schedule?!?! What do I have to gain from it. Does she want me to know when she is avaliable?!

 

I do know that I do really love her.

 

Now I'm dealing with which road to take. Should I lay it out there, or tow the line like I've been doing?

[niceguy27]

Hang in there. I think you have a wonderful job of keeping busy and thinking things through. The schedule thing...not sure why that is. Maybe she is gauging how interested you are in her daily life? Making sure your still there in some way maybe?

 

I recently spoke with my ex and she mentioned that she ready to sit and talk about some things. I am trying my hardest to not be too serious with her.

 

Since you really do love her and know what you want, I dont see any reason to keep a little spot open for her for when she is ready to come back, you will know what to do.