danis Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 Hey, I'm new and have a secret that I cannot hold in anymore. I've been married for 20 years and am totally in love with my husband. However I have feelings for a co-worker and have had them for nearly 3 years. I can't get away from him because I see him everyday, it's killings me not to be able to be with him, and the guilt I am induring for having these feelings is also killing me. We do not see each other outside of work but keep in contact on the phone. I've tried desperetly to cut the ties but I can't do it. Help. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 Hey, I'm new and have a secret that I cannot hold in anymore. I've been married for 20 years and am totally in love with my husband. However I have feelings for a co-worker and have had them for nearly 3 years. I can't get away from him because I see him everyday, it's killings me not to be able to be with him, and the guilt I am induring for having these feelings is also killing me. We do not see each other outside of work but keep in contact on the phone. I've tried desperetly to cut the ties but I can't do it.Help. Have you actually thought about what you wrote? You are totall in love with your husband, at the same time it's killing you not to be with your man at work. It's time to either quit your job or your marriage. Hey, it's only a 20 year investment. Link to post Share on other sites
Author danis Posted August 28, 2007 Author Share Posted August 28, 2007 Thanks, I know what the correct resolve should be and I am working on quiting my job. I would like to get another job first for financial reasons as I have been there for 20 years. It's just very difficult to go to work everyday and see him. It's easier to think about what the correct thing to do is. Than actually live it and carry it out. Just the smell of him, drives me crazy. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 Thanks, I know what the correct resolve should be and I am working on quiting my job. I would like to get another job first for financial reasons as I have been there for 20 years. It's just very difficult to go to work everyday and see him. It's easier to think about what the correct thing to do is. Than actually live it and carry it out. Just the smell of him, drives me crazy. I quit a good job, many many years ago...with my first ex... I had feelings for this young guy at work.... It was driving me crazy... so I finally quit my job... I was getting miserable because of that situation... Link to post Share on other sites
Author danis Posted August 28, 2007 Author Share Posted August 28, 2007 Do you think you made the right decision? Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 Quick question: How would you feel if the roles were reversed and your husband was pining away for another woman at his workplace and just the smell of her drives him crazy? Maybe if your were honest with your husband it would end this desire for this OM. Does your husband really deserve a spouse who for 3 years wishes to be with another man? The time and energy you have spent on this OM has been taken away from your husband and your marriage. What a waste. I wish you luck but it is time to open your eyes and mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author danis Posted August 28, 2007 Author Share Posted August 28, 2007 I know all that. I lye next to him when he is sleeping and cry because I feel so quilty. So I go to work the next day and tell myself that I can do it, I can stay away from the OM. And then he shows up and gives me that smile and the butterflies start all over again. I already have the best guy, that's why it is eating me inside. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 Do you think you made the right decision? At the time.. yes... My kids were younger and I knew it was only 'lust' and that it wouldn't last anyway... he had a gf... I was the same age as his mom... nothing happened... It would have been a sexual thing and I didn't want to shove my life out for a piece of 'tail' back then... LOL I finally left my H many years later but not for another man. Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 Hey, I'm new and have a secret that I cannot hold in anymore. I've been married for 20 years and am totally in love with my husband. However I have feelings for a co-worker and have had them for nearly 3 years. I can't get away from him because I see him everyday, it's killings me not to be able to be with him, and the guilt I am induring for having these feelings is also killing me. We do not see each other outside of work but keep in contact on the phone. I've tried desperetly to cut the ties but I can't do it. Help. Find another job. but the problem with that is you'll end up having feelings for another guy there too. Its the "grass is greener" syndrome. You have been married for a long time...so things naturally go a little stale. Either that or its just the idea that you haven't had someone different in a long time. So the question you need to ask yourself is...are you worthy of marriage to a fine man? Are you fit to be a married woman? If the answer is yes, then for god sake wake up and quit acting like a giddy 16 year old and do right by your husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Author danis Posted August 28, 2007 Author Share Posted August 28, 2007 Well, it's defienetly not the fact that things have gone stale. Our sex life is amazing and our feelings have only gotten stronger. I think you may be onto something though, when you said it may be because I haven't been with someone else for so long. The attention and flirting from someone else has probably turned my head, boosted my ego and gotten out of hand. Everybody is absollutely correct on all accounts. I just need to be strong enough and eliminate the OM from my life. Link to post Share on other sites
design1 Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 sounds like your husband is your best friend, soul mate, whatever, right? since you have such a great relationship, amazing sex life and your feelings are so strong for each other... here's what you do... tonight when you get home from work, sit down with your husband on the couch and look lovingly in his eyes and tell him that you've been wanting some other guy for 3 years now, the smell of him drives you crazy, its killing you not to be with him, he gives you all those wonderful butterflies... and when you HEAR your husbands heart break and see his life come to an end right before your very eyes... then maybe you'll see how absolutly absurd and disgusting your behavior is. god i'm SOOOOOOO sick of lame ass excuses "oh i just can't bring myself to stop flirting with this guy or this girl." "i love my husband/wife with all my heart, but all i want to do is screw this guy or this girl" PLEASE. LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME!!! you should be ashamed of yourself. you have no right to do this to another human being! tell your husband what you're doing... he has a right to know what you are and what you are doing. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 Well, it's defienetly not the fact that things have gone stale. Our sex life is amazing and our feelings have only gotten stronger. I think you may be onto something though, when you said it may be because I haven't been with someone else for so long. The attention and flirting from someone else has probably turned my head, boosted my ego and gotten out of hand. Everybody is absollutely correct on all accounts. I just need to be strong enough and eliminate the OM from my life. Look, you've been having an emotional affair for 3 years. That doesnt happen when your in a completely healthy marriage. I can gaurantee there IS something wrong. What is making you vulnerable to this? If your husband is providing for all of your emotional and physical needs... but you want more... maybe councelng is a good next step. Link to post Share on other sites
Author danis Posted August 28, 2007 Author Share Posted August 28, 2007 Thanks Cobra: You hit it on the head, I know what's missing from my relationship with my husband and that is something that will never change. He's not the type of guy who falls all over me with compliments and mushy stuff and he never will be. So when someone else gives me that I tend to suck it all up like a spunge. Yes I have been having an emotional affair for years, but is that safe? Or is that just a pathway to a full blown affair? Is it considered cheating already? Is it possible to have a platonic friendship with this OM? Link to post Share on other sites
get.mos Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 danis: many people consider an emotional affair the same as a physical one. while men get more upset over physical, women get upset over emotional. what you're feeling could lead to a physical or more. the fantasy may not be enough. i agree w/cobra: something is up w/your relationship. and for that, i'm so sorry for your situation. (that's not to sound judgmental either, dahling.) relationships are soooo difficult; nothing is ever one side or the other. rather, it's about miscommunication, lack of compromise on both parts, etc. ultimately, you must be true to yourself. hugs. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 Thanks Cobra: You hit it on the head, I know what's missing from my relationship with my husband and that is something that will never change. He's not the type of guy who falls all over me with compliments and mushy stuff and he never will be. So when someone else gives me that I tend to suck it all up like a spunge. Yes I have been having an emotional affair for years, but is that safe? Or is that just a pathway to a full blown affair? Is it considered cheating already? Is it possible to have a platonic friendship with this OM? First... You can have that! Your husband as great as he may be, is failing to fulfill one of your needs. That puts you in a vulnerable situation! Is he approachable enough that you can talk to him about this? No, emotional affairs are not safe at all. For one the guy your flirting with wants to get in your pants, and your encouraging that. Not good. You may have the personal strength to keep it from getting physical, but that would make you a rare woman! Oh, and yes it is considered cheating. I strongly urge you to talk to your husband about his romantic impulses. Some guys are just absolutely lazy in this regard, but he's in a position where if he doesnt change he will alienate you and eventually lose you! Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 It would take a lot of guts to admit this to your husband, but if the roles were reversed and my man was having these feelings for someone else, I think I would want to know so that I could try to make the changes needed to be the woman who meets all his emotional needs. Communication is hard. Totally honest communication can be even harder. Removing yourself from the environment might help short term, but if that piece of your relationship with your husband continues to be missing, the situation could rise again. Good luck in however you decide to resolve things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author danis Posted August 28, 2007 Author Share Posted August 28, 2007 We've talked over and over about his lack of attention in this department. He says it's because he grew up with only 7 brother's and really has no clue as to what women need to hear. So he tell's me all the time that he loves me and I know he does. When we talk about what I am missing in our relationship he understands, and he tries but he will never really be that kind of person. Then it just reverts back to the same ol'. He never tells me when I look nice, but when someone else says something like, "wow your wife looks really hot" he'll be beaming with pride but he's never the one to say it himself. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 We've talked over and over about his lack of attention in this department. He says it's because he grew up with only 7 brother's and really has no clue as to what women need to hear. So he tell's me all the time that he loves me and I know he does. When we talk about what I am missing in our relationship he understands, and he tries but he will never really be that kind of person. Then it just reverts back to the same ol'. He never tells me when I look nice, but when someone else says something like, "wow your wife looks really hot" he'll be beaming with pride but he's never the one to say it himself. Lame excuses! I'm a guy... and this stuff doesnt come natural to me. I had to learn to overcome my shyness, and move out of my comfort zone! He is bieng lazy and taking you for granted! See he doesnt need to know what women want to hear! He needs to know what YOU want to hear. Tell him what you want to hear. Then when he says it or does it... Reward him. Guys work on positive feedback... just like puppies! Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 We've talked over and over about his lack of attention in this department. He says it's because he grew up with only 7 brother's and really has no clue as to what women need to hear. So he tell's me all the time that he loves me and I know he does. When we talk about what I am missing in our relationship he understands, and he tries but he will never really be that kind of person. Then it just reverts back to the same ol'. He never tells me when I look nice, but when someone else says something like, "wow your wife looks really hot" he'll be beaming with pride but he's never the one to say it himself. Well there you have it. A perfectly rational reason to have an ongoing sexually charged relationship with a man at work. I was sure there was a reasonable explaination. Who could expect you to endure 20+ years of marital bliss minus flowery flattery? Your doltish husband obviously needs "marriage classes" and intensive individual counseling. Only then will he be able to flatter you the way you need to be flattered. Even then it may be to late. You may never be able to trust that his flattery is genuine, and not a vasil attempt at saving his marriage. While I don't believe that all emotional relationships are "affairs" I do believe that many are serious error's in judgement. No two people (male or female) are the same. All bring different attributes to the table. You have 20+ years invested in your husbands good and bad points, through both good times, and not so good times. You are still in the infatuation stage with your co-worker. Again, if you want to save your marriage, quit your job and consentrate on your marriage. The "financial" considerations you have will pale in compairison to the financial ramifications of the enevitable divorce you are risking. Link to post Share on other sites
directx Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 What kind of stuff do you say over the phone? Can it qualify as an emotional affair? Some more details would be nice. What is this workers situation? He unhappily married, single? Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 We've talked over and over about his lack of attention in this department. He says it's because he grew up with only 7 brother's and really has no clue as to what women need to hear. So he tell's me all the time that he loves me and I know he does. When we talk about what I am missing in our relationship he understands, and he tries but he will never really be that kind of person. Then it just reverts back to the same ol'. He never tells me when I look nice, but when someone else says something like, "wow your wife looks really hot" he'll be beaming with pride but he's never the one to say it himself. Old dogs CAN learn new tricks. I agree with Cobra that excuses and reverting back to form aren't going to cut it. I know that I have made several positive changes in my adult life, and all of them were because someone I love needed and expected me to change. That was the initial catalyst, the possibility of losing someone I loved. Of course the changes have benefitted my life, as well as the lives of those around me. You have a big investment in your marriage, but you also have a big investment in your job (20 years for both, right?) Maybe I am naive because I have not been in this situation, but I think you can keep both investments if you really want to. Does this guy at work share your feelings/pursue something more, or is this more on your part? I'm unclear on that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author danis Posted August 28, 2007 Author Share Posted August 28, 2007 Well it feels really good to finally talk to someone about it. I've been hiding it for so long it was beginning to comsume me. I know it's far from over, but it has already helped me tremendously to actuallytalk to somone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author danis Posted August 28, 2007 Author Share Posted August 28, 2007 My coworker feels the same way about me. We talk about everything. Yes it is definetly an emotional affair. He is married but it has been lousy for many years.They have separate bedrooms etc. Marriage of convience. He is a spiritual man so he would never leave his wife and never have a sexaul affair. So he loves the extra attention I give him. I would have to be honest and say that I think I am emotional attached to him far more than he is to me. Can we not just be friends? Link to post Share on other sites
directx Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 Have you both acknowledge you have feelings for each other? Because is its only you and you reveal it, it might put an end to it all, so it might be a good thing. If you both acknowledged feelings, have you discussed how much? Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 Can we not just be friends? NO! It's already beyond that. This is going to eat away at your Marriage! And your keeping him from fixing his! Not working on your marriage is the easy way. The easy route is rarely rewarding! Link to post Share on other sites
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