dropdeadlegs Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 NO! It's already beyond that. This is going to eat away at your Marriage! And your keeping him from fixing his! Not working on your marriage is the easy way. The easy route is rarely rewarding! I wholeheartedly agree. Especially with the part I placed in bold. This emotional attachment is beyond the friend zone. I understand that you have found an attentive ear, and someone who feeds your neglected ego, but it is not healthy to continue this kind of "friendship" and it will ultimately cause you more grief and guilt than it already has. That will spiral into affecting your personal self esteem eventually. Nothing good can come from this without hurting many people. I think I was wrong to think that you could keep your job. the more details that come out, the more I'm sure that you need a complete break with no contact to overcome this. Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 Can we not just be friends? Nope Danis you can't. You need no contact and it needs to be maintained. It's time to end your EA, fess up, and take responsibility for your actions. Marriage isn't a game and if you want to stay with your H, that will be for him to decide. Now if you both decide you want to stay together then counselling is in order. This can't be done alone because like someone else said, something is wrong that you both need to work on. Good luck because it not easy confessing something like this to the one you've vowed to honor and love. Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 Look, you've been having an emotional affair for 3 years. That doesnt happen when your in a completely healthy marriage. I can gaurantee there IS something wrong. . It could be as simple as someone being a little bit fickle. example. Someone could say that they could eat pizza every night. After a while of eating pizza they want something different. There wasn't anything wrong with the pizza at all and could be the best pizza on the planet....but the person wants variety. The difference between someone in a long term loving relationship that doesn't want to be with someone else and someone that does...is the former has the maturity and the lack of selfishness to refrain from ruining a great relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 Thanks Cobra: You hit it on the head, I know what's missing from my relationship with my husband and that is something that will never change. He's not the type of guy who falls all over me with compliments and mushy stuff and he never will be. So when someone else gives me that I tend to suck it all up like a spunge. Of course some other guy gives you that. You are new to him and he wants in your pants. A guy will give you compliments and make you feel real special to get what he wants...then if say you left your husband for him...I guarantee...those compliments will die away once you become the same old same old that he has been boffing for a few years. Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 Well there you have it. A perfectly rational reason to have an ongoing sexually charged relationship with a man at work. I was sure there was a reasonable explaination. perfectly rational to an insecure and selfish person that wants to bone someone other than their spouse if things just aren't absolutely freakin' perfect. This is just ONE thing she wishes were different. That sure as hell isn't enough for her to go off and spread her legs for another man(I know danis, you didn't...replying to this absurd notion). That is just plain ridiculous. My soon to be ex sure as hell didn't meet all of my needs....so why didn't I cheat on her? Danis...don't listen to the line of BS thinking. It will bring you nothing but pain. If the only thing you are lacking is compliments...well geez...that can be worked out. But while we are on the subject of what you are lacking...do you think you meet all of your husband's needs? The answer would be no. It is impossible to meet every single petty little "need" of your significant other. So how do you think you'd feel if he started an affair with someone because you weren't absolutely perfect in his eyes with regards to you meeting all of his "needs"? Link to post Share on other sites
VIP Posted August 29, 2007 Share Posted August 29, 2007 He is married but it has been lousy for many years.They have separate bedrooms etc. Marriage of convience. And you believe that? Those are the usual lines married men give to women. He is married, but... He is a spiritual man so he would never leave his wife and never have a sexaul affair. What's so spiritual about living in a lousy marriage of convenience? Link to post Share on other sites
justice Posted August 31, 2007 Share Posted August 31, 2007 He is married but it has been lousy for many years.They have separate bedrooms etc. Marriage of convience. Oh Bu^^sh*t! Believe me I know that line. It's the same one my EX husband used with his other woman. Notice I said EX. Don't fall into this trap, get your head out of the fog it's in and quit your job if you value your marriage. It all boils down to that. Either fess up with your husband who you love and break his heart and leave him for this other man who has a wife, or quit the job, taking away the temptation and buck up and save your marriage. Brutal, honest truth, nothing more. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted August 31, 2007 Share Posted August 31, 2007 He is probably saying the truth... that they have separate rooms... I had separate rooms for years with my first ex... It's not uncommon at all.. many married couple DO have separate bedrooms, especially when one or more kids leave the home for university. The MM I met today, also have separate rooms...for many years now... why would he lie... I don't care if they share the same bed... geezz they're married... LOL Link to post Share on other sites
Author danis Posted August 31, 2007 Author Share Posted August 31, 2007 Ok, this is a little off topic. My sister and I were having this discussion the other day. Define cheating. Is it just a thought and then it's considered cheating. At what point have you crossed the line and it is considered cheating? Is it a kiss, a touch or is it just the act of intercourse? Some say an emotional affair is cheating, is this true? Link to post Share on other sites
VIP Posted August 31, 2007 Share Posted August 31, 2007 I think a thought is cheating already. Link to post Share on other sites
Author danis Posted September 1, 2007 Author Share Posted September 1, 2007 OK, Someone tell me I did good. Today I went to work and told the OM, that we should back off and that I was going to concentrate on my marriage. Also he kinda hinted that he was going to be at the park tomorrow with his dog, if I wanted to stop by for an icecream. And..... I'm not going to go. How's that? Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted September 1, 2007 Share Posted September 1, 2007 Don't go to the park, that is GREAT, but only a start. Pat yourself on the back, and keep moving in that direction. AWAY from him! Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted September 1, 2007 Share Posted September 1, 2007 Ok, this is a little off topic. My sister and I were having this discussion the other day. Define cheating. Is it just a thought and then it's considered cheating. At what point have you crossed the line and it is considered cheating? Is it a kiss, a touch or is it just the act of intercourse? Some say an emotional affair is cheating, is this true? Trying to establish a single definition for "cheating" or "infidelity" that everyone will agree to is a fool's errand. Do a search on here for "what is cheating" and you will find many, many threads where the subject is repeatedly argued. You know what is more useful than trying to find out what everybody else thinks "cheating" is? Ask yourself, what should the boundaries be within your marriage? And, given your current activities, if you have any trouble putting yourself in the right frame of mind to consider that honestly, ask youself more specifically "What behavior would I consider out of bounds of my husband? For example, if he had come to you 4 years ago, when I assume you were also "totally in love", but hadn't yet started this dalliance with your coworker, and he said to you "I have to tell you, there's this woman at work, and for the last 3 years I have been feeling and doing {what you described to us...}" how would you have felt about that? It doesn't matter what word you would have put on it (inappropriate? wierd? dangerous? cheating?} ask yourself how you would feel if the shoe were on the other foot, and try to break through the fog of rationalization that your current situation has probably thrown up and be honest about it. Don't look outside yourself for a definition of what is appropriate; be honest enough to form your own opinion - one that you would be comfortable applying to your husband, and one that you are a good enough person to apply to yourself. Often a good place to start: ask yourself two questions. The first is the one above: "what would I think if my husband were behaving as I am?" and the second is "what would my husband think if he had an honest and complete view of my behaviors right now?" Link to post Share on other sites
2old4this Posted September 4, 2007 Share Posted September 4, 2007 OK, Someone tell me I did good. Today I went to work and told the OM, that we should back off and that I was going to concentrate on my marriage. Also he kinda hinted that he was going to be at the park tomorrow with his dog, if I wanted to stop by for an icecream. And..... I'm not going to go. How's that? I'm really sorry that I am sitting here trying (unsuccessfully) to repress a chuckle. What you did was the equivalent of putting up a yield sign. Maybe it will be the start of the end of your EA, but probably not. You have deep, strong feelings for this person, and it will likely take many, many attempts to successfully move on. I know from personal experience, I have been there for many years. I have quit her (in my mind) way too many times to count. But that deep, sincere, loving feeling just doesn't get willed away, it is too much from the heart, not the head. Sorry if I'm a downer. But I have to admit I have taken a lot of joy from my EA. And it has never escalated into anything physical, not even a kiss on the cheek. We make playful gestures, as if reaching for each other's hand, but that's it. Just enough to show we care, but not enough to put us at risk. We can't help our feelings, and I doubt you can either. But you can control your actions. My advice: enjoy your feelings, control your actions. Link to post Share on other sites
bestadvisor Posted September 4, 2007 Share Posted September 4, 2007 OK, Someone tell me I did good. Today I went to work and told the OM, that we should back off and that I was going to concentrate on my marriage. Also he kinda hinted that he was going to be at the park tomorrow with his dog, if I wanted to stop by for an icecream. And..... I'm not going to go. How's that? I thought you said you and him never met outside of work and now he invites you to see him outside of work. What kind of married man wants to mee other woman for icecream.....He wants to get into your pants....religious my ass. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted September 4, 2007 Share Posted September 4, 2007 OK, Someone tell me I did good. Today I went to work and told the OM, that we should back off and that I was going to concentrate on my marriage. Also he kinda hinted that he was going to be at the park tomorrow with his dog, if I wanted to stop by for an icecream. And..... I'm not going to go. How's that? Awesome! Now start making some plans to work on your Marriage! Link to post Share on other sites
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