Ignored by exMM

[PoshPrincess]

This is not THE problem really. I am just totally despairing of ever getting him out of my head, even though I have long since come to terms with the fact that we will NEVER be together. Why?!!!!!

 

I haven't posted my own thread on here for a while but a couple of months or so ago I was really nasty to exMM and after him telling me "Move on and forget about me!" I have heard nothing. I was really strong for 2 months with NC and then contacted him a couple of weeks ago, although needless to say he didn't reply. Every time I do this I get SO angry with myself but I just can't seem to help it. I have thought about writing him a letter explaining everything - all my feelings, state of mind, how much he hurt me, etc - to give me some sort of 'closure' but would there be any point? I'm not even sure that he would bother reading it.

Yesterday I was sitting in a bar with my friend and he walked in (I didn't see him as I had my back to the door) and as soon as he saw me he walked straight back out again. I didn't expect any coversation from him after the way I behaved recently but I can't believe I have now driven him out of his local! I wouldn't have had the nerve to speak to him anyway but I am assuming he thought he would get grief from me and didn't want to have to deal with the confrontation.

 

I am having so many mixed feelings about him and despite now having a BF (9 months) I still cannot get MM outta my head. It's driving me crazy! It's been over a year now so why do I find it SO hard to move on? I feel like I am NEVER going to get over him. It hurts so much. Would I be better ending things with BF? I care about him deeply but I know there's no real future in our R. We have a great time together and are very good friends but it's not the 'big love thing' (for me anyway). I am wondering though if being in a R is hindering me getting over MM......?

 

I am SO confused. Help!

[whichwayisup]

NC is NC so it seems he is doing just that - Even if it means leaving a bar where you are.

I know it hurts you...Whatever you do, DO NOT EMAIL him. His actions are telling you he wants nothing to do with you and if you do contact him, that is harrassment in a sense...Also, it won't make you feel any better. DO the letter, vent it out, just don't ever give it to him. The writing is for you, theraputic reasons...

 

It is unfair to your boyfriend. He doesn't have your heart and you are not able to give him all of you. Just like your MM wasn't able to give all of himself to you...Your boyfriend deserves to be with a woman who will love him and not be thinking of someone else...Especially since you know that there is no future between you two.

 

Being alone and sorting through/getting over feeling for exMM may be the best thing..

[safehaven2aplace4us]

Maybe you shoud've waited a while before you entered a new relationship.

You're not over your mm yet. Obviously.

Therapy might help.

[PoshPrincess]

Maybe you shoud've waited a while before you entered a new relationship.

You're not over your mm yet. Obviously.

Therapy might help.

 

Thanks. I was having therapy but had to knock it on the head due to severe financial difficulty. I am considering going back to it but am worried about getting into more debt, although, as a friend said to me, I should consider it a necessity as it is there for my mental health. I am at a total loss of whatelse to do!!!

 

I know what you both mean about the new(ish) BF. I should never have got involved. For a while it helped me to forget about MM slightly but now the feelings are all back again and I've no idea why. Maybe because BF and I aren't really working out. I am just so scared of feeling lonely again and I was never one to rely on havign a man around before so I don't really get it. I guess I am worried that thoughts of MM will becoming all consuming again like they were this time last year if I am left with too much time on my hands to think!

[safehaven2aplace4us]

The whole problem might be that since you still have feelings for your mm therefore your current relationship will suffer.

Being alone/lonely are 2 different things. Think about it for a minute. It's nice to be alone for a while.

 

P.S. MM leaves you both alone & lonely.

[PoshPrincess]

The whole problem might be that since you still have feelings for your mm therefore your current relationship will suffer.

Being alone/lonely are 2 different things. Think about it for a minute. It's nice to be alone for a while.

 

Alone, I can handle, but it's the lonely feelings I had last year when things were at there worse that I have trouble handling. I am definitely not alone as I have lots of close friends and a good family around me but I feel I am all talked out as far as my problems are concerned. I am seriously boring everyone!

 

P.S. MM leaves you both alone & lonely.

 

Alone - most of the time! Lonely was one thing I didn't feel. Trouble was it was all-consuming so now that it's gone it feels like there is a huge void in my life that I don't know how to fill!

[overandout]

Unfortunately, although it does hurt, your mm is acting as if he doesnot want to resume things with you.

In a way he is dong you a favour so take it as a positive. If he wanted to make contact he would have lingered in the bar and made some eye contact if nothing else.

 

It is difficult because you obviously still have feelings for him.

I remember with my xmm that I got on the sub way with him and sat next to him, but he preferred to read the newsapaper rather than talk to me--I could tell he was distancing imself from me without being too rude like moving seats away from me. Fast forward a few years and now he hangs out in places I visit. He wants to resume contact but is too much of a coward to pick up the phone. Someone who doesn't want to resume things avoids contact with that person.

 

You know deep down that it is over and so all you can do is grieve for what you hoped might have been. I am thinking of you because it truly sucks.

[kymberann]

Hi Posh,

I can't remember the whole story of which this ended, but perhaps this continues to be difficult because the R did not end on your terms, but rather his? He ended the R and so you hold on? Even though that is closure on his part, you didn't get a chance to end it in your own way. THis only continues those feelings of rejection, when you write or make contact, no response, when he goes where you are and he leaves, again. That is just a reminder of being rejected.

I don't know, but this is what I am seeing. I agree,write the letter, but don't send it. Write another letter, ending it in your own terms. What would you really say to him. THe current boyfriend may not be the love of your life, but neither was the MM. You holding on will make you feel this way about anyone new coming in to your life. He isn't worth your time anymore! Let it go.

Best.

[silktricks]

PP, what did you have that filled your mind and your time before the MM consumed you? I'm sure that you had a full life that you abandoned to focus on MM.

 

One step at a time you need to refocus your attention and your energies. Put your energy into things that take either a lot of energy or a lot of time. Either will help move your concentration from its current focus on MM.

 

Good luck

[PoshPrincess]

Thanks all for your advice. Kimber, I suppose it did end on his terms, if you can call it an ending (yes, in his eyes it was!) I KNOW he doesn't want to resume our R, and neither would I unless he was free. I DO know where I stand but letting go emotionally is very difficult. I hate myself for showing this side of me to him. I hate the fact that he loved me because I was strong and independant, yet when things ended he saw me as an emotional wreck. I wish I had done things differently. It was quite pathetic! When I was initiating NC and he was crying and begging me to take him back I was the strong one. If only I had kept things that way. Still, I can't turn back the clock!

 

PP, what did you have that filled your mind and your time before the MM consumed you? I'm sure that you had a full life that you abandoned to focus on MM.

 

You know what, SilkTricks, I am not really sure what filled my time before. It was a weird transition because I had literally just split up from my son's Dad (where I was also totally dissatisfied with things) so the two years before MM I guess time was filled with looking after a baby and partner but even then constantly feeling like there was something missing. I think I need to sort out what it is I want out of life. I have never really known, career or otherwise, and with relationships I THINK I know what it is I want then when I've got it I decide I dont want it after all. I need to work out why it is I am so easily bored!!!

 

One step at a time you need to refocus your attention and your energies. Put your energy into things that take either a lot of energy or a lot of time. Either will help move your concentration from its current focus on MM.

 

Good luck

 

I don't think it helps that work is so quiet so I have far too much time to think. I don't particularly like what I do for a living but I have to stick with it from a financial point of view. God, I must be sounding like a right whinger today! To be honest, I AM feeling slightly better than I did yesterday, although I DID dream about MM last night (AGAIN!)

[scaredinlove]

Thanks all for your advice. Kimber, I suppose it did end on his terms, if you can call it an ending (yes, in his eyes it was!) I KNOW he doesn't want to resume our R, and neither would I unless he was free. I DO know where I stand but letting go emotionally is very difficult. I hate myself for showing this side of me to him. I hate the fact that he loved me because I was strong and independant, yet when things ended he saw me as an emotional wreck. I wish I had done things differently. It was quite pathetic! When I was initiating NC and he was crying and begging me to take him back I was the strong one. If only I had kept things that way. Still, I can't turn back the clock!

QUOTE]

 

 

PP,

 

Don't be hard on yourself, being a OW is very hard . I am still one and probably will be for a long long time...I was a nerve wreck for too long , now I am regaining my control.

 

Every OW go trhu this nerve wreck phase some get better others don't.

 

It is hard to end a relationship especially with someone you really care.Affairs are very hard to end, I haven't been able to end my and it has been quite long.

 

Just stay strong and things will be better. The letter thing is a good idea... And about your boyfriend don't make any harsh decision yet just wait a little long, you said you like him just look at him and try to enjoy him. Forget MM he is past history. I know it is hard.

 

Good luck.

[lonelybird]

This is not THE problem really. I am just totally despairing of ever getting him out of my head, even though I have long since come to terms with the fact that we will NEVER be together. Why?!!!!!

 

I haven't posted my own thread on here for a while but a couple of months or so ago I was really nasty to exMM and after him telling me "Move on and forget about me!" I have heard nothing. I was really strong for 2 months with NC and then contacted him a couple of weeks ago, although needless to say he didn't reply. Every time I do this I get SO angry with myself but I just can't seem to help it. I have thought about writing him a letter explaining everything - all my feelings, state of mind, how much he hurt me, etc - to give me some sort of 'closure' but would there be any point? I'm not even sure that he would bother reading it.

Yesterday I was sitting in a bar with my friend and he walked in (I didn't see him as I had my back to the door) and as soon as he saw me he walked straight back out again. I didn't expect any coversation from him after the way I behaved recently but I can't believe I have now driven him out of his local! I wouldn't have had the nerve to speak to him anyway but I am assuming he thought he would get grief from me and didn't want to have to deal with the confrontation.

 

I am having so many mixed feelings about him and despite now having a BF (9 months) I still cannot get MM outta my head. It's driving me crazy! It's been over a year now so why do I find it SO hard to move on? I feel like I am NEVER going to get over him. It hurts so much. Would I be better ending things with BF? I care about him deeply but I know there's no real future in our R. We have a great time together and are very good friends but it's not the 'big love thing' (for me anyway). I am wondering though if being in a R is hindering me getting over MM......?

 

I am SO confused. Help!

Hi, with MM it isn't 'big love thing', it is more like toxic love or addictive love. maybe that's why you feel difficult to walk away. the process of this toxic love is like this:

 

-fall in love

-he began to draw back, or didn't fill the love need of yours, he cannot leave his wife for you, that imply his wife is more important to him than you

-so you became hungery, he made you think you are less valued

-the more he made you hungry, the more you WANT that validation from him, the more you want your ego to be compensated, the more you want closure from him

-the more you want validation from him, the more you lust after him, chemically he is extremely attractive to you

 

so it is difficult for you to get out of this mud, it is a ego struggle, true love will make you walk away peacefully in heart.

 

true love: wish him best, that means you care about his soul his growth, an affair can do just opposite, he will despise himself in deep his heart, he is lying to his wife his family, an affair just make him stay in dis-integrity for longer. an affair can make him opposite-grow, an affair can send him to hell

 

we all have these ego struggle in our lives. Important thing is how to get out

 

 

Healing:

-first, he cannot define your value, only God can define your value, whether he wants you or not, you are valuable person, you have to love yourself unconditionally, just like God loves you. He wants orange, but you are apple, and a good apple

-forgive him and yourself. He is human, not superman, so he can make mistakes, he can be weak, he can be confused, he can be less interity in certain period, he can be a jerk, he needs to grow.

-ask God to help you and heal you. If you ask, God will give you enough strength and grace to get out

 

You feel you cannot get closure by yourself, because you LET HIM to define your value.

[PoshPrincess]

Thanks for your kind words, SIL.

 

LonelyBird, maybe you're right. I often wonder if I actually had MM to myself and we were in a proper R, would it actually work? Maybe I am just 'in love' with the idea of him, if you know what I mean. I just wish I'd had the chance to find out.

[upto_here]

i know its hard babe..but its not too late to start things over again not with your exmm of course but start to be strong again you know you can do it .. and you already did it why not do it again....its just need a little more strenge thats all...im in position thats its not so different from you..i have to admit it that i hate being rejected..my A ended quite bad which i did not intended to ,i think you might thought the same but we can not turn back the clock what done is done, sometime we can not control our feeling and temper...but after the lesson had been learned we must to....

 

babe give yourself more credit....respect yourself ...hold your head high..you are pretty in and out if that exmm can not see it..your bf see you..for who you are..give yourself more time everytime the thought of the exmm appear just wipe it awy by something else like what you and your bf will do things together or think about yourself what make you happy...i am doing that everyday i am lucky that i have my H with me i have to admit he is the best therapy i had eventhough our M is not that perfect.. but i am thinking that ,thats A is not worth anything and its not make me happy in the long run....i wanted you to do the same ...dont give a ***t about what he thought ....by the time you read this look at your bf beside you deeply...and see how he turn round and look at you....you will know that what is worth!!!! big hug ......you can do it...

[sb129]

Thanks for your kind words, SIL.

 

LonelyBird, maybe you're right. I often wonder if I actually had MM to myself and we were in a proper R, would it actually work? Maybe I am just 'in love' with the idea of him, if you know what I mean. I just wish I'd had the chance to find out.

 

 

I found out, and it wasn't all that. Getting out was the best move I ever made.

[overandout]

Thanks for your kind words, SIL.

 

LonelyBird, maybe you're right. I often wonder if I actually had MM to myself and we were in a proper R, would it actually work? Maybe I am just 'in love' with the idea of him, if you know what I mean. I just wish I'd had the chance to find out.

 

 

YOU were a bit on the side.

nothing more nothing less.

at least you kind of admit it unlike some OW here???!!

 

If he truly loved you he would leave home to be with you. When you start admitting that you can move on.

[whichwayisup]

Don't be hard on yourself, being a OW is very hard . I am still one and probably will be for a long long time...I was a nerve wreck for too long , now I am regaining my control.

 

Every OW go trhu this nerve wreck phase some get better others don't.

 

It is hard to end a relationship especially with someone you really care.Affairs are very hard to end, I haven't been able to end my and it has been quite long.

 

I know you're happy SIL, or maybe you're happy enough...It just seems like you're settling and setting the bar sooo low for yourself. It's sad because your MM has his wife by his side, spends holidays with her, birthdays with her, and another thing to think about is, if he ends up in the hospital for something serious, there's NO way you'll be allowed to see him as the rules usually are immediate family only... You just are settling and one day you may regret wasting your love and energy on a man who can't give you the whole world...

[marlena]

Hi, with MM it isn't 'big love thing', it is more like toxic love or addictive love.

 

 

Lonelybird,

How can you state this de facto? Are you in OP's shoes? Are you talking from first hand experience? And even if you are, it doesn't necessarily mean that it applies to everyone, wouldn't you agree? All dogmatic religious propaganda aside, stop and think about it!

[OpenBook]

Posh, is exMM still on your mind because he was so wonderful (in his own right) -- or because he made you feel so wonderful about YOURSELF?

 

I suspect it's the latter. That's the void you're feeling.

 

I hope that you come to realize you're wonderful REGARDLESS of him, or anyone else.

 

And about the loneliness thing -- there's nothing to be afraid of, being by yourself. Absolutely nothing. Enjoy your own company! You are your own best friend, always.

 

Best recipe for getting over a man -- make sure you always look FABULOUS whenever you're out in public -- and just go on about your business. Someone is eventually going to be bowled over by you -- someone who can give of themselves fully, everything that you deserve.

 

Yeah, you made a big mistake getting involved with the MM. So what? It's not like you're the only person on the PLANET that has ever made an error in judgment about another person.

 

I say, think about him all you want to (as long as you make sure you don't ACT on your feelings!!). Just go through it. Eventually it's really going to get OLD, thinking about him all the time. You just get so sick & tired of it after awhile. Blech! Onward and upward.

 

And that's when you'll leave it all behind you, and really start living your life again.

[silktricks]

I say, think about him all you want to (as long as you make sure you don't ACT on your feelings!!). Just go through it. Eventually it's really going to get OLD, thinking about him all the time. You just get so sick & tired of it after awhile. Blech! Onward and upward.

 

And that's when you'll leave it all behind you, and really start living your life again.

 

OB, this is really really good advice. There's nothing that makes you think about something as much as trying not to think about it. In fact, one of the things that I did in my recovery of my H's affair was to FORCE myself to think about it and think about the OW. I thought about it until my brain finally rebelled and simply would NOT think about it anymore. That was when I felt like I was finally free of the worst effects of it.

[GreenEyedLady]

Posh:

 

(((HUGS)))

 

I think that your inability to move on lies in your thoughts of whether it could have worked had you both been single in a R...

 

The problem with this is that those weren't the circumstances...And they aren't the circumstances now...Why not take your memories and feelings and accept that what you had, is what you had...and it was good for you for awhile, but it just didn't work out...

 

Just because something doesn't last forever, doesn't mean it wasn't significant...

[lonelybird]

Lonelybird,

How can you state this de facto? Are you in OP's shoes? Are you talking from first hand experience? And even if you are, it doesn't necessarily mean that it applies to everyone, wouldn't you agree? All dogmatic religious propaganda aside, stop and think about it!

see, truth is very simple sometimes, there is difference between addictive love and true love

 

addictive love: mainly is about ego love, when one cannot get love from another, people get angry, get frustrated, want revenge, want hurt another. So this is mainly about ego struggle, because people feel ego got hurt by rejection, so the ego want to be validated by the very person who hurt them. OW are very easily in this position because most of MM don't want to leave their wife. so OW feel defeated somehow

 

true love: when another person cannot give that love back, you can wish him well and forgive him, and decently walk away, even that means you will suffer without him, because you CAN wish him well even without you, this requires 'humble love' humbly admit that another woman his wife will give him what he want if he can be happy. OR if OW truly love and respect themselves, they will not put themselves in the OW position in the first place. so most of OWs have self-destructive tendency or self punishment tendency

 

An affair ruin a person's integrity, if you are willingly to be a OW, then you become a helper to aid that dishonesty. THIS ISN'T TRUE LOVE. but this most OW won't want to see. they painted dishonesty as "he must love me too much", see, here ego play a huge part in it. Okay, put religion aside, a person has conscience, the conscience is a light to guide us. whenever we do something wrong, the conscience will make us feel guilty even some people don't want to admit, because conscience wants us to do right. Those confident people are the ones who follow their lights closely. Therefore, in a long term sense, an affair will hinder both parties spiritual growth.

 

True love never fail, and perfect love cast out fear, today most people don't believe anymore, but it is true. If it is true love, you will always feel lifted up from, not feel frustrated and put down all the time as the selfish love does.

 

Like I said before, if your love only toward yourself, and don't consider his wife and family, it is selfish love. and you will always be in the dark area of his life, belongs to his sinful secret, you reflect out his ugliness. in a long term he probably will not love this his ugliness. no matter what kind of man he is, people always wants to grow higher spiritually, unless they are corrupted too much

 

And universal laws is "selfish people will not be genuinly happy"

Bible teach "love your neighbor as love yourself", do what God wants us to do, God will put rejoice and peace into our heart. It works like wonder

 

Pride causes many difficulties in people's lives, but many cannot see their own pride

[PoshPrincess]

OpenBook; Posh, is exMM still on your mind because he was so wonderful (in his own right) -- or because he made you feel so wonderful about YOURSELF?

 

Both, I have to admit. Ok, so he wasn't 'perfect man' material (aside from him being married of course!) To me he was gorgeous, attentive, considerate, kind, etc. He made me laugh so much. We had such good rapport together which is one of the things I miss more than anything! If you saw him in the street you wouldn't necessarily look twice (he ain't no Brad Pitt) but he had a certain charisma that I've never found in anyone else. To me, he lit up a room full of crowded people when he walked in! He wasn't particularly well-educated (well, was less educated than me) and didn't have a very well paid job but none of that was important to me. I loved him for who he was.

 

I suspect it's the latter. That's the void you're feeling.

 

God, yeah...he did make me feel wonderful about myself and was the first man in my life ever to do that. It felt like he put me on a pedestal and he really couldn't believe his luck being with me which was strange for me as I ain't nothing special (obviously in his eyes at the time I was, just like he was to me). My current BF does make me feel special too but there just isn't that connection. Neither MM nor me ever really believed in soul mates and we felt it was a bit corny to say it, but that's kind of how it was, like he was the missing piece of my jigsaw puzzle!

[PoshPrincess]

LonelyBird, to me it WAS true love. That's all I can say. I believe at the time that it was the same for him too, but people and circumstances change. I have to take something from the whole mess and this is it. I have tried making myself think that he was using me but I know deep down that he wasn't. At the time, he truly believed he felt the same way.

 

BTW, I DO wish him well. I have heard a few times from other people that he isn't happy. He has made the decision to stay with his W and I DO want him to be happy about that because otherwise, what's the point in it all? The hardest thing with our break-up was that he couldn't tell me he didn't love me. If he had said, "It was a mistake, I don't love you, I love my wife!" it would've been so much easier to understand. Instead, for a long time, he left me half thinking that one day there may be a chance for us because he still loved me. At least that isn't the case now so maybe I CAN finally move on in time.

[lonelybird]

LonelyBird, to me it WAS true love. That's all I can say. I believe at the time that it was the same for him too, but people and circumstances change. I have to take something from the whole mess and this is it. I have tried making myself think that he was using me but I know deep down that he wasn't. At the time, he truly believed he felt the same way.

 

BTW, I DO wish him well. I have heard a few times from other people that he isn't happy. He has made the decision to stay with his W and I DO want him to be happy about that because otherwise, what's the point in it all? The hardest thing with our break-up was that he couldn't tell me he didn't love me. If he had said, "It was a mistake, I don't love you, I love my wife!" it would've been so much easier to understand. Instead, for a long time, he left me half thinking that one day there may be a chance for us because he still loved me. At least that isn't the case now so maybe I CAN finally move on in time.

I believe you deserve such love and even more from a unmarried man, not secretly.

 

When you are ok with the position of being an OW, he will automaticlly think you don't look yourself as the way you should look at yourself or you don't value yourself much as you should. That is how human being built. If you allow them treat you certain way, and they will.

 

How about think he actually did a favor to you? that you will meet a more wonderful man in future, and this man will make a full commitment to you

 

If you believe in God, that is more simple, just ask God to send you one, prayers work wonderfully