Still Alone and Fearing I Always Will Be

[Noos]

Clatan

I know what you mean. I'm 34 - 35 in November. I don't think I put up walls or that I'm deficient - it's just having interests outside work and tv and being capable of independent thought when you're female is a disadvantage where I live. I can find physial attraction and emotional/mental attraction - unfortunately, just not together in one guy.

Come to Australia if you want to hang out. I'm going to see a band on Friday night,if you can make it by then...

[clatan]

Clatan

I know what you mean. I'm 34 - 35 in November. I don't think I put up walls or that I'm deficient - it's just having interests outside work and tv and being capable of independent thought when you're female is a disadvantage where I live. I can find physial attraction and emotional/mental attraction - unfortunately, just not together in one guy.

Come to Australia if you want to hang out. I'm going to see a band on Friday night,if you can make it by then...

 

Hey Noos,

 

So you live in a small town full of morons and senior citizens like me too? What part of Australia do you live in? I've always wanted to go to Australia. I guess, like most Americans, Australia is probably about my top pick for an overseas destination. If I could make it, I'd go see that band with you. Unfortunately, I'm a broke college student. I'll be lucky if I can afford to go see a band where I live this Friday! Well anyway, write back and keep in touch. I'd like to hear from you!

[Noos]

I live in Perth, the capital of Western Australia - population 2 million.

People here live life like they are following a blueprint. Go to a private school, then go to university, become an accountant or lawyer, marry your college girlfriend or boyfriend, move to one of the handful of very expensive suburbs, if you're a woman - quit your job because yoúr husband makes lot of money (and hey, women like Noos who like the intellectual challenge of paid work are just women who can't find a rich man aren't they?), have 2-3 kids and then buy a country holiday house to re-decorate. Spend the rest of your days talking about your kids and money.

 

Australia is still a very macho culture and, I'm sorry to say, that dumbing down trend is a universal phenomenon. Not good if you're a thinking woman who wants to pursue her own goals rather than live through a man. Mind you, I'm not alone - there are plenty of other women in the same situation in Australia.

 

It doesn't sound like Missouri is a good fit for you. Were you born and raised there? Is your family there? Have you considered moving even further away from your current location? Demographics seem to be a severe problem where you are. Here, there are more women than men and the women are all over educated and the men are not. these groups never travel in the same circles and one fears the other so they never give each other a chance to connect.

 

My best advice to you when you are feeling sad or lonely is to think, "would you have wanted to marry the women that your friends settled down with?" When the answer is "no", you may feel less envious and happier that you are alone. it is better to be alone and happy with yourself than in a relationship with someone you aren't head over heels for. I'm just waiting to be head over heels for someone and have it reciprocated. Reciprocation is the difficulty and the willingness to trust and be vulnerable becomes harder for me the more times i am passed over.

 

The good news is I have private health insurance, including dental, all my own teerth, no tattoos and no kids.

 

Life doesn't work out how you want it to does it? We don't have as much control as we'd like. My agenda for the weekend - go to see a band, go to the Dixie Chicks documentary screening, visit my friends who have just had a daughter, babysit my four-year-old niece, go to the gym, read my new book.

 

What are you doing?

[fray718]

Hi, so of the 3 dozen girls you dated, is it mostly you being the one not interested in teh girl? Or is it them not wanting to see you anymore after the second date?

 

I'm 24 which I suppose is still very young and people tell me that but then I think the same way you do...what about when I'm 26, 28, 30?.....I still have not had a bf yet. I've only had 2 guys in my entire life that I've dated for 6-8 weeks and both of them ended with them not wanting a relationsihp with me.....heck, it hurts, and a def a blow to my self-esteem. Everyone tells me I'm a great catch as well and can't believe I'm single...but I myself know that I tend to be pouty and clingy...which are huge turnoffs....so I'm trying to fix that up.

 

And I understand what people say about us avoiding headaches...alot of people tell me that as well....but I see it as how I've lived 24 years of my life without having even experienced love...and it's sad....it's as if I'm not really living life to the fullest. So yes, I understand your concern here. All I can say is maybe you should try to test it out ie do things you don't normally do on your past dates....change it up and see if you might get different results. Sorry I cant be more specific as I don't know exaclty how you are in person.

[clatan]

Look back at the girls you've dated, select the best three of them and tell us why it never worked, as in what was wrong with each girl or what happened that they didn't want to continue with you.

You must have deeper emotions than the stats you've given us. Does that make sense of what I'm looking for?

 

Okay, sorry for the delay, but I've been busy with college. But as promised, here's the first of a few examples of my dating experiences. Sorry, but I honestly can't give you exactly the "best three of them." I don't know how to say it exactly, but they were all pretty lousy experiences. I guess there where just some that come to mind before others for some reason. So, I'll just give you a "cross section" of sorts. Or what the heck? This isn't costing me anything... maybe I'll list them all?

 

I'll start with Lisa, the first girl I dated. Okay, here we go... age regression. Sorry, but this has been a while and my memory may be a little foggy on some of the finer points. This was pretty uneventful overall though.

 

It was early in my junior year in high school and she was a freshman that I met in algebra class. I thought she was pretty cute and everything and started to talk to her a little. A friend of mine, Steve, who was a freshman knew her a little better than I did, told me she liked me. I noticed she started talking to me a lot in class, so we decided to double date with Steve and another girl. We went out; typical date of pizza and a movie. I planned to eat first, which meant we'd have to catch a later movie. She had a curfew of something like 10:00 and the movie didn't get out early enough, meaning I couldn't have her home until around 10:15. I drove to a pay phone (this was before cell phones) so she could call and tell her dad. She called him and all was well. We saw our movie. We seemingly had an okay time though.

 

The next day I passed her in the hall and she didn't make eye contact with me. I said "hi" to her and she, seeming relunct, said "hi" back sort of under her breath without looking at me. Then Steve said he heard her talking to her friends talking about going out with me and that she said she'd gone out with me but didn't really like me.

 

Not sure if Steve was telling the truth though or what, I hung in there and figured I'd give it one more try. She started talking to me a little in class again though, so I went over to her house and asked her to prom. She acted like she was thrilled and went to ask her dad. Her dad came in and had a "talk" with me. He said he appreciated me asking but the answer was "no". He said I'd broken his trust by bringing her home 15 minutes late on our double date, even though I'd had her call, and brought her home at the sinful hour of 10:15. He was a preacher.

 

I continued to talk to her in class, or at least try, but she again acted like she didn't want to talk to me. After that, I kind of realized that I really didn't enjoy that date that much and that I really didn't have that great of a time with her, so I figured "why bother" and just walked away.

 

Funny thing... by about my senior year she gained a bunch of weight and kind of became one of the town sluts. To add to it, her holier-than-thou father around that time had an affair with a lady in his church and lost his pastorship. I was the dirty scoundrel huh?

 

Well anyway, the summer after my graduation, I saw her at an end-of-school party. I hadn't seen her in a long while. She came up and said "hi" and was really glad to see me and acting really friendly, asking where I've been and "gee it's been so long," and what not. I was polite and all but wasn't really interested in anything past that, and cut the conversation short. And that's the last time I saw her.

[monkey00]

You're still a young guy, you've got your whole life ahead of you. While you claim to be a great catch, no one is perfect. I'm sure there are flaws you haven't even taken into account yet. Because I know even I have flaws.

 

I don't know if anyone on this board can help you, we dont know how you interact with women and we dont know the type of girls you go after. Have you considered dating older women? Or even speed dating/single events? While some have baggage, most are well grounded and pretty laid back and they dont always create unnecessary drama like their younger counterparts.

[Aintayankee]

Ya, we are here because one of our parents got friendly, and now just have to make choices, so there is no point to regretting or stewing on the past. Just make your decisions after thinking about them, and work with the present day. Go day by day, or week by week.

[clatan]

You're still a young guy, you've got your whole life ahead of you. While you claim to be a great catch, no one is perfect. I'm sure there are flaws you haven't even taken into account yet. Because I know even I have flaws.

 

I don't know if anyone on this board can help you, we dont know how you interact with women and we dont know the type of girls you go after. Have you considered dating older women? Or even speed dating/single events? While some have baggage, most are well grounded and pretty laid back and they dont always create unnecessary drama like their younger counterparts.

 

Sure, I've thought about dating older women, but that's not for me. That's not to say I'd rule it out completely. If I happened to meet a really intertesting, woman in her late thirties to mid forties that I had a lot in common with and found attractive, I'd go for it. The chances of that ever happening are extremely slim to none though.

 

For one, I'm 36 and as I said earlier, there are few women my age or even several years younger that are not divorced with a couple of kids, The chances of meeting a never-married, childless woman in her early forties are pretty much zilch.

 

Another thing is just the physical attraction side of it. I've browsed profiles of women on dating sites that I assumed were in their late forties only to be surprised to find that they were my age or a couple of years younger. The other day I went to a tech college to check on classes and the lady I met with asked when I graduated. I told her '89 and she said "Oh, okay you're just a couple of years younger than me." When I looked at her I feel like I'm talking to someone totally outside my general age group.

 

I don't care about age per se. There are some women in their late thirties that look ten years younger than they really are I'm sure, but I don't see many of them. I'm just not attracted to older women. People can call that shallow or whatever all they want, but that's the way I'm wired and I can't change that. I just cannot be attracted to someone that looks older than me.

 

As far as baggage and drama, I've found that age is not necessarily much of a factor in those areas, although baggage is a pretty predominate trait for older women. I'm not into baggage, that's another reason that I'm not interested in older and/or divorced women. They've all got their issues with their ex and what not and you often have to hear all about it, which is in essence "drama." I just want someone like me who's never been married with no kids. I'm not out of line in expecting that.

 

I always hear people equating drama with younger women. While that may be true, it's not true of most of the younger women I know. Actually, as far as the women I know, it tends to be the opposite. The girls in their late teen to early twenties that I know tend to be, by far, the nicest, brightest, laid back and squared away of all the women I've known.

 

I sing and play in plays at a small town nearby me in the young adult theater league, so most all the girls I know tend to be from there. I also know a small handful from college. I guess maybe its just this way because a higher caliber of girls tend to be involved in things like that.

[Mary3]

I think its virtually impossible to meet a woman of your criteria ...

 

And some ( not all ) of the drama does come from younger girls ,not a mature woman. Ask the cougar bait guys and they will tell you why they prefer an older woman She's already done playing games , partying , kissing the pavement ...but she has a high drive and enjoys making love....

 

The *baggage* that older woman have such as divorce or embittered attitude can be overcome . Its only baggage if she makes it so.....I am happily divorced and its the best thing I ever did.

[Trialbyfire]

Oh, didn't notice the reply. It still doesn't give me any insight into who you are clatan.

 

Have you ever felt strongly, deeply, passionately, about anything in your life, negative or positive? Forget your love life for now.

[AriaIncognito]

RE:

 

 

If you are really quite a catch, then why are you still single? You shouldn't be. You may be an exception -but there are definitely women out there in the same position as you -single in their mid 30s.

 

 

S&W

 

I'm confused by your above statement. Are you saying that you think if people ARE catches there's no way they'll stay single into their 30s? If so, I whole heartedly disagree.

 

People are staying single a lot longer than they used to. As they say 30 is the new 20. People are delaying marriage for the benefit of education and establishing careers. I would hope that people who have done so, wouldn't be viewed negatively.

 

You can be a catch and be well, any age really. I dont think one implies the other. But maybe I misunderstood your meaning, which is why I'm asking you to clarify.

[pixiegurliechick]

If it makes you feel any better, I'm a girl in my early 20s and I've never even been on a date let alone had a boyfriend.